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The Madwoman of Menotomy
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Free Ice Sunset Icons

Date and Time  - Feb. 16th, 2007, 10:38 am

Current Mood  - awake awake
Current Music  - budgies in conference

sol: fire and ice    sol: my heart belongs to the sun    sol: warmth, light, and life - spring will come

sol: touch the sun    sol: chasethe sun    sol: follow the sun


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Solstice

Date and Time  - Dec. 21st, 2006, 02:09 pm

Current Mood  - awake awake
Current Music  - budgies in conference in next room

Happy Solstice


Today, I thank Sol for providing the light that has guided my days, kept warm the air I breath, allowed grow the food I eat. The center of our spinning system, our little plot in the Universe. Your glory will continue to shine billions of years after I'm gone.

Though there are many others of your kind, you are the caretaker of my world and therefore I honor you above your siblings. You hold a place in our sky and our hearts. Thank you.

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Medical Today

Date and Time  - Nov. 6th, 2006, 07:41 pm

Current Mood  - drained drained
Current Music  - budgies gurgling

My dad:

His surgery went fine and should be out in time to vote straight Republican. They are going to put the second stint in next Monday. Things are looking good and he appears very willing to give up cigarettes.

Me:

I do not have Behçet's disease (with about a 95% certainty). However, he was cautious about the" ulcerations" on my tongue and suggests that I get a biopsy after I get a teeth cleaning. He did not have a suggestion as to what they might be looking for with a biopsy. I've had the ulcerations on my tongue for as long as I can remember, the one dentist I asked said I must be biting my tongue in my sleep. I accepted that then, but now am questioning that assessment.

Of course, since the doctor I saw today is an Behçet's expert and outside my normal insurance it would make sense to attempt to find the care in-network. I'm not even sure if this is where I want to put my energy: if the weird tongue issues are not connected, I'd rather concentrate on the vertigo.

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Surgery

Date and Time  - Nov. 5th, 2006, 11:58 pm

Current Mood  - sleepy sleepy
Current Music  - lake humming "i'll be home for christmas"

My dad has a stint put in tomorrow morning. I understand that there is not much risk to the procedure, but I still worry.

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Heart

Date and Time  - Nov. 3rd, 2006, 12:56 am

Current Mood  - hopeful hopeful
Current Music  - silence

My father had a minor heart attack tonight. They're going to keep him at the hospital for observation for a couple days. He'll have to make diet and lifestyle changes, but the outlook at this point seems good.

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Free Jesus Icons

Date and Time  - Sep. 29th, 2006, 08:30 pm

Current Mood  - blank blank
Current Music  - budgies in conference

    


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Mount Auburn Cemetery

Date and Time  - Sep. 6th, 2006, 12:58 am

Current Mood  - awake awake
Current Music  - silence

angel with and anchor
+90 )


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Free Psych Icons

Date and Time  - Aug. 29th, 2006, 08:50 pm

Current Mood  - mellow mellow
Current Music  - budgies in conference

antipsychotics are toxic    stop psychiatric abuse    med free


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To Fear Not Death

Date and Time  - Jun. 25th, 2006, 02:03 pm

Current Mood  - peaceful peaceful
Current Music  - fan

I finally understand death and I am no longer afraid of it. Even though I have no reason to expect to die in the near future, the idea of not existing has disturbed me to some degree for as long as I can remember. The idea of reincarnation brought little solace, because if even if my "soul" would go on, my memories and my experiences wouldn't. That hardly seemed like a continued existence, I still felt as if I were facing the nothingness.

It took something from the Brihadaranyaka Upanishad for me to really understand the process of death and reincarnation:

When body and mind grow weak, the Self gathers in all the powers of life and descends with them into the heart. As prana leaves the eye, it ceases to see. "He is becoming one," say the wise; "he does not see. He is becoming one, he no longer speaks, or tastes, or smells, or thinks, or knows." By the light of the heart the Self leaves the body by one of its gates; and when he leaves, prana follows, and with it all the vital powers of the body. He who is dying merges in consciousness, and thus consciousness accompanies him when he departs, along with the impression of all he has done, experienced, and known.

As a caterpillar, having come to the end of one blade of grass, draws itself together and reaches out for the next, so the Self, having come to the end of one life and dispelled all ignorance, gathers in his faculties and reaches out from the old body to a new.

As a goldsmith fashions an old ornament into a new and more beautiful one, so the Self, having reached the end of the last life and dispelled all ignorance, makes for himself a new, more beautiful shape, like that of the devas or other celestial beings.

The Self is indeed Brahman, but through ignorance people identify it with intellect, mind, sense, passions, and the elements of earth, water, air, space, and fire. This is why the Self is said to consist of this and that, and appears to be everything.


My fear of death was founded on my fear of letting go of my worldly memories, knowledge, and ideas. That somehow letting go of these things was letting go of me. But these things are not me. Letting go of these things is deconstruction. I've gone through deconstruction in life, why should I fear it in death? Why have I for so long clinged to the idea that I must be defined by what are essentially mortal things. Death is simply a change, a paradigm shift. There is nothing to fear in death, and I shall worry on it no longer.

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RIP Harriet

Date and Time  - Jun. 24th, 2006, 12:47 pm

Current Mood  - contemplative contemplative
Current Music  - budgies in conference

Harriot the TortoiseSHE visited three continents, inspired Darwin’s theory of evolution and made it into the record books, yet for more than a century everyone thought she was male. Harriet, the world’s oldest tortoise, has died in an Australian zoo, aged 176.

Weighing in at 150kg (24 stone) and roughly the size of a dinner table, the Giant Galapagos tortoise was considered by Guiness World Records to be the world’s oldest living animal in captivity.

John Hangar, Australia Zoo’s senior vet, said that her death came quickly. “She had been sick yesterday with, in effect, heart failure,” he told ABC Radio. “She had a fairly acute heart attack and thankfully passed away quickly overnight.”

full article


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Zombie Child

Date and Time  - May. 6th, 2006, 10:19 am

Current Mood  - pissed off pissed off
Current Music  - fan

Children represent the fastest growing group of users of a new generation of antipsychotic medications, even though the drugs are not approved for their use and serious safety concerns remain.

Between 2001 and 2005, prescriptions for atypical antipsychotic drugs increased by 80% among children and teens, compared with an increase of 46% among adults aged 20 to 44.

...

In a study published in the summer of 2004, the researchers reported that prescriptions for atypical antipsychotics doubled among Tennessee children on Medicaid between 1996 and 2001.

They further reported that 43% of prescriptions were written for children with ADHD or a related disorder as the primary diagnosis, while just 14% were written for bipolar disorder and 9% for schizophrenia or other psychotic conditions.

In a later nationwide study, the researchers concluded that 6 million prescriptions for atypical antipsychotics were written for children between 1995 and 2002. Again the researchers found that a large percentage of the prescriptions were written for children with ADHD as the primary diagnosis.

full article


Lets ignore for a moment the devastating side effects of antipsychotics such as diabetes, metabolic disorders, heart problems, tardive dyskinesia, and neuroleptic malignant syndrome. Let's just focus on the intended effects of these drugs. Antipsychotics slow down the brain. They make it harder to think and by doing so make it harder to learn. These children are having their brain fogged at the most important time of their lives for them to be thinking. I can't imagine the damage to the intellectual and emotional development of these kids caused by being on extremely powerful mind altering drugs 24 hours a day. THESE ARE CHILDREN, FOR GOD'S SAKE!

The psychiatrists aren't even attempting to claim these children are psychotic. 43% of the children receiving antipsychotics are diagnosed with ADHD. Antipsychotics have nothing whatsoever to do with the "symptoms" of ADHD. The only reason to give antipsychotics to ADHD-diagnosed children is to sedate them. To keep them drugged so the teachers and parents don't have to deal with them. It is a form of neglect.

These children are going to reach adulthood. Due to the drugs they are being forced to take, many are not going to be able to develop the mental and emotional tools necessary to live and function as adults. Not having learned the skills necessary to hold down jobs, many will become dependant on the very system that abused and drugged them. The psych industry is creating a generation of lifetime customers.

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New Year

Date and Time  - Jan. 1st, 2006, 01:27 am

Current Mood  - depressed depressed
Current Music  - silence

another year
i still don't know how to exist
i still don't get it on a functional level
i'm still trying to fake it

a string of pearls, end untied
each bead slides off in succession and falls away
eventually there are no more

i have counted my pearls as i returned them to the ocean
the tide is dark with tears
i want to touch the ocean's heart
in trying i will surely drown

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Snow Lightning

Date and Time  - Dec. 9th, 2005, 02:39 pm

Current Mood  - happy happy
Current Music  - thunder snow

Thunderblizzards are strange things. The mixture of fire and ice creates a beautiful and interesting weather combination. Juxtapositions, when done right, warm the cockles of my heart.

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Voice Post:

Date and Time  - Oct. 30th, 2005, 10:07 am


VoicePost Help
1035K 5:13
“*sigh* I'm still here, I'm still being treated like shit. I mean, they're treating some of the other patients worse than me, and that's pissing me off too, and they don't want me to talk about it because they say I should be minding my own business. I can't go into details of what they're doing to other people about some of the other people because of confidentiality issues, I can't talk about their specific issues, but I can tell you the staff is being completely fucked up with some of this stuff. I mean completely fucked up. And... I need, I need to get out of here, I'm just feeling worse and worse. Even when I'm resting I mean, it's not stressful 24/7, it's episodic, things get out of control then things calm down. But even when - I don't know, my heart rate has been going up. I mean yesterday morning before anything happened it was measured at a hundred, and then last night it was measured at 111 and this morning it's coming in at 121, my pulse, and my blood pressure's up around 135, 140 over something, and I don't remember what it's over, but it shouldn't be that high. I'm on 200 mg of Spirolactin a day, my blood pressure should be low. Something is - I don't know, I just feel very strange too, I don't know if it's stress or what's going on, but my seizures have been getting even more frequent here. I had the one person pay a little attention, but the person this morning just came in and accused me of faking everything. And I'm like - What the fuck? That's exactly why I'm here, because everyone accusing me of faking everything and I can't take it anymore. Well that's one of the reasons, there's a large variety of reasons. But I feel very out of it and I'm not even drugged, unless they're putting something in my coffee and I don't think they are. I just want to go home.
I just want to go home, they're going to let me home on Monday and pour myself a nice glass of rum and some sort of alcoholic beverage, and it's not going to be good for me and I shouldn't do it but I just don't care. I don't care, I just want to go away. I just want this to all be over, I just want it to end, I just want it over. I can't do it. I can't keep fighting, I can't keep fighting. I'm fighting, I came in here, it's the only thing I've been proven wrong about is, I didn't think I had any fight left when I came in here, but I've got some fight left in me. But I don't want to do it, I'm tired of it. I don't want to keep doing it, I don't want to keep doing it, I just don't want to keep doing it. I feel like - I can feel my heart beating in my chest, I'm sweating to death. No one else thinks its hot but I just keep complaining about the heat, it's like, insane. I'm having trouble seing a lot of the time, I just can't focus. I have good eyesight other than the color thing, but I can't focus my eyes sometimes. I've been on the ground a lot. I don't like it here and I want to go home, I really want to go home. The thing is, I'm being treated like crap here and as I said, there are other people here being treated a lot worse than me. This is crazy, I don't like these places, I REALLY don't like these places. The staff just keeps lighting the fuse, like things start to calm down and they come and they rile everyone up and it all starts over again. It's not the whole staff, but it definitely feels like there are certain people on the staff that are just trying to piss people off. And I'm not the only one noting this. Of course, no one is going to believe a bunch of crazy people talking about what's going on. I mean, they - they know what they can get away with and they'll get away with it. And that's basically how it is.
And I need to get going because I'm really feeling - I can't do this. I gotta go. I will talk to you... later.
Bye.”

Transcribed by: [info]kali_ma


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What Ails Us

Date and Time  - Jul. 16th, 2005, 09:53 am


What Ails Us

It is bonds that tear us apart
It is reality that causes our delusions
It is light that blinds us
And it is love that pains our hearts


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Forced Psychiatry

Date and Time  - May. 12th, 2005, 03:29 pm

Current Mood  - okay okay
Current Music  - traffic

I don't support the National Association for the Mentally Ill (NAMI). They claim to be a grassroots organization supporting the mentally ill. Sounds good. However, seeing that the majority of the funding for this "grassroots" organization comes from the pharmaceutical industry, one is tempted to look for ulterior motives. One doesn't have to look far. NAMI funnels much of it's drug money into the Treatment Advocacy Center (TAC). TAC has a nasty agenda of removal of many basic civil rights of mentally ill patients by forcing us into court-ordered medication and treatment. They have achieved their goal in a great many states, but thankfully not Massachusetts.

Psychiatry has the potential to help people and some may be benefit from psychiatric medication. However, psychiatric medication carries a great deal of side effect, many of them permanent, damaging, and on the occasionally, fatal. Isn't it the right of a person who has not been convicted of any crime to decide if they want to take medication that will effectively turn them into a zombie and potentially cause permanent neurological damage? I think so.

Furthermore, forced psychiatry only encourages the mentally ill to go underground. In a environment where seeking help can result in losing your civil rights, one is a lot less like to seek help when it is needed.

If I were living in New York right now, I could be forced to remain on my geodon indefinitely. Two psych hospitalizations within 3 years and refusal to take the meds your pdoc thinks is best is all that is need for a court order forcing you into a treatment plan that can include random drug testing and forced relocation to a residential program (with fun things like a curfew). Even if for me that meant only taking geodon, I would be forced to be subjected to risk of tardive dyskinesia (a nasty permanent side effect of antipsychotics that causes repeated uncontrollable muscle movement), potentially fatal heart rhythm irregularities, increased risk of diabetes (I'm already at high risk), and NMS (a rare, but fatal complication of many antipsychotic meds). Given the risks, anyone prescribed this sort of medication should be given the choice of whether or not to take it. I have decided that the risks coupled with the zombie brain prison it endures is not worth it in my case. In Massachusetts, at least, no one can ram their poisons down my throat by force.

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The War Prayer by Mark Twain

Date and Time  - Sep. 23rd, 2004, 10:22 am

Current Mood  - awake awake
Current Music  - traffic

Much of Mark Twain's work is still quite timely. Written in 1904, but published shortly after his death in 1910, The War Prayer is one of those works. For those of you who haven't read it (and for those of you who want to re-read it), here it is:


The War Prayer
by Mark Twain

It was a time of great exulting and excitement. The country was up in arms, the war was on, in every breast burned the holy fire of patriotism; the drums were beating, the bands playing, the toy pistols popping, the bunched firecrackers hissing and sputtering; on every hand and far down the receding and fading spread of roofs and balconies a fluttering wilderness of flags flashed in the sun; daily the young volunteers marched down the wide avenue gay and fine in their new uniforms, the proud fathers and mothers and sisters and sweethearts cheering them with voices choked with happy emotion as they swung by; nightly the packed mass meetings listened, panting, to patriot oratory which stirred the deepest depths of their hearts, and which they interrupted at briefest intervals with cyclones of applause, the tears running down their cheeks the while; in the churches the pastors preached devotion to flag and country, and invoked the God of Battles, beseeching His aid in our good cause in outpourings of fervid eloquence which moved every listener. It was indeed a glad and gracious time, and the half dozen rash spirits that ventured to disapprove of the war and cast doubt upon its righteousness straight way got such a stern and angry warning that for their personal safety's sake they quickly shrank out of sight and offended no more in that way.

Sunday morning came – next day the battalions would leave for the front; the church was filled; the volunteers were there, their young faces alight with martial dreams – visions of the stern advance, the gathering momentum, the rushing charge, the flashing sabers, the flight of the foe, the tumult, the enveloping smoke, the fierce pursuit, the surrender! – then home from the war, bronzed heroes, welcomed, adored, submerged in golden seas of glory! With the volunteers sat their dear ones, proud, happy, and envied by the neighbors and friends who had no sons and brothers to send forth to the field of honor, there to win for the flag, or failing, die the noblest of noble deaths. The service proceeded; a war chapter from the Old Testament was read; the first prayer was said; it was followed by an organ burst that shook the building, and with one impulse the house rose, with glowing eyes and beating hearts, and poured out that tremendous invocation:

"God the all-terrible! Thou who ordainest, Thunder thy clarion and lightning thy sword!"

Then came the "long" prayer. None could remember the like of it for passionate pleading and moving and beautiful language. The burden of its supplication was, that an ever-merciful and benignant Father of us all would watch over our noble young soldiers, and aid, comfort, and encourage them in their patriotic work; bless them, shield them in the day of battle and the hour of peril, bear them in His mighty hand, make them strong and confident, invincible in the bloody onset; help them to crush the foe, grant to them and to their flag and country imperishable honor and glory – An aged stranger entered and moved with slow and noiseless step up the main aisle, his eyes fixed upon the minister, his long body clothed in a robe that reached to his feet, his head bare, his white hair descending in a frothy cataract to his shoulders, his seamy face unnaturally pale, pale even to ghastliness. With all eyes following and wondering, he made his silent way; without pausing, he ascended to the preacher's side and stood there, waiting. With shut lids the preacher, unconscious of his presence, continued his moving prayer, and at last finished it with the words, uttered in fervent appeal, "Bless our arms, grant us victory, O Lord our God, Father and Protector of our land and flag!"

The stranger touched his arm, motioned him to step aside – which the startled minister did – and took his place. During some moments he surveyed the spellbound audience with solemn eyes, in which burned an uncanny light; then in a deep voice he said:

"I come from the Throne – bearing a message from Almighty God!" The words smote the house with a shock; if the stranger perceived it he gave no attention. "He has heard the prayer of His servant your shepherd, and will grant it if such be your desire after I, His messenger, shall have explained to you its import – that is to say, its full import. For it is like unto many of the prayers of men, in that it asks for more than he who utters it is aware of – except he pause and think.

"God's servant and yours has prayed his prayer. Has he paused and taken thought? Is it one prayer? No, it is two – one uttered, the other not. Both have reached the ear of Him Who heareth all supplications, the spoken and the unspoken. Ponder this – keep it in mind. If you would beseech a blessing upon yourself, beware! lest without intent you invoke a curse upon a neighbor at the same time. If you pray for the blessing of rain upon your crop which needs it, by that act you are possibly praying for a curse upon some neighbor's crop which may not need rain and can be injured by it.

"You have heard your servant's prayer – the uttered part of it. I am commissioned of God to put into words the other part of it – that part which the pastor – and also you in your hearts – fervently prayed silently. And ignorantly and unthinkingly? God grant that it was so! You heard these words: 'Grant us victory, O Lord our God!' That is sufficient. The whole of the uttered prayer is compact into those pregnant words. Elaborations were not necessary. When you have prayed for victory you have prayed for many unmentioned results which follow victory – must follow it, cannot help but follow it. Upon the listening spirit of God the Father fell also the unspoken part of the prayer. He commandeth me to put it into words. Listen!

"O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth to battle – be Thou near them! With them – in spirit – we also go forth from the sweet peace of our beloved firesides to smite the foe. O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with hurricanes of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with their little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it – for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen."

(After a pause) "Ye have prayed it; if ye still desire it, speak! The messenger of the Most High waits."

It was believed afterward that the man was a lunatic, because there was no sense in what he said.


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Wedding

Date and Time  - Sep. 11th, 2004, 05:28 pm

Current Mood  - happy happy
Current Music  - fan

Just got back from