We damn ourselves when we live through demon eyes. No higher power need intervene, we are fully capable of our own downfall. When we act as demons, we create our own hell. No divine judgement or arbitration, it is simply a matter of causality.

This is the nature of sin. This is the nature of good action verses bad action. When we act with anger and hate and greed rather than with love and compassion and understanding, that is sin. When our actions increase the suffering rather than diminish it, that is bad action. And what we reap is a world of pain and hate and mistrust. We are all connected and we share in what we bring forth.

Is God benevolent or malevolent? Does God love us? Is God wrathful?

These questions are fitting to ask of some man with a flowing grey beard that lives in the sky, but they are unanswerable as to God as All.

God is not only the sky above and the ground below and all that dwells in those places. God is not only everything we can touch, God is more.

God is all creation all destruction. God is life and and God is death. God is the bleeding wound and the passionate kiss. God is the roar as well as the silence.

God is all beliefs and doubts. God not just the concept of heaven and hell, but the concept that there is an above and below. God is the ideas we think as well as the air we breathe.

God is all emotions. God is all love and all hate. God is all benevolence and all malevolence. God is all wrath and all forgiveness.

God is our mathematics and our law. Our fears and our courage. Our arts, our poetries, our languages and the metaphors behind them. The truth as well as the lie.

God is energy and matter. God is the motion of the falling rock as well as the rock that falls.

God is the Happening that is the Becoming. God is what was, will be, and has been. God is even that which is not, has not been, and will never be; if what is not, has not been, and will never be is but thought.

God is the All of Everything, the Universe of Universes. This is why there can be nothing greater than God. No threat needed, no coercion. There can be none greater than All that Is, because anything else is simply part of the Everything.

one cannot help but make harm
to live hurts
and hurts those around
consuming
and moving
break the space around you
as the dread pirate roberts said:
life is pain
anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something

we see only that which our narrow focus allows
even looking at the big picture is a narrow focus
one loses some of the small
even with all the shudders open
we can only take in so much
we do with what we have
seeing what we see
they say the road to hell is paved in good intentions
but inaction can lead there just the same
good intentions alone do not always good actions make
and we cannot do good action all the time
because we only see a narrow focus
we cannot see where all our actions lead
we all do harm
we can try to do more good than harm
even so we will sometime still do harm instead
we are half-blind elephants in a shop of glassware
it is inevitable

Do we really need a hell? Isn't Earth enough? This world seems set up solely to maximize the suffering of its inhabitants. I see the evil that people work. I see the evil that I have worked. Everyone is guilty. People are not moral creatures. They never were. Sometimes we pretend. We like to think that we our good outweighs are evil. Claim to have some sort of "moral foundation". But moral foundations just become a justifications for other evil works.

Humans aren't the only players here, Nature is a extremely evil bitch on her own. The wild is not some sort of paradise. Most of the animals in the forest have been completely traumatised and terrified. Horrible things routinely happen to everyone in the wild. Life is short, swift, painful, and brutal. Suffering comes to all.

Is there a point to this? Is there a reason or a point to this world, to this existence. If there is somewhere such a reason, it had better be a pretty damn good one. Any entity or entities that caused this to be have some serious explaining to do.

Sure good things happen now and again, but they only serve to get hopes up so it will be that much more devastated when everything comes crashing down. The best thing that could happen for Earth would be it's destruction. An large enough asteroid to obliterate all life would nice. Maybe we can just nuke the hell out of ourselves. Will the end come anytime soon? Will Kevorkian save our souls? I do not know, but I can hope.

i want to bleed across the sky
i want to fall to the depths of hell
i want to burst into flame
i want to cry alone in the dark

bathofblood came over
we had a good time
it's good seeing her
we went down to spy pond
i take just about everyone to spy pond
it's so beautiful
and so close
i love it

i want to get to the great meadow sometime soon
i miss that place
and i have something i want to do there
a mischievous thing
i'm a mischievous being

the air coming in the window is wonderful
it is another beautiful night
in a series of beautiful nights
this summer has been wonderful
only a couple hot days so far
very lucky
hopefully the luck will keep up

i don't know where i am
but do i need to know where i am?
is that really necessary
i don't know where i'm going either
again, do i really need to know
can't i just have faith that where i am is where i need to be
and i'll end up just where i need to end up
the universe has a way of working things out
everything happens for a reason
that's all utter bullshit
i don't have faith
i've seen enough shit that was pointless
the world is falling apart
but, we'll all go to hell together
isn't that nice?

i'm listening to diamanda galás
litanies of satan
very good music
i find it very relaxing
a familiar hell can be a place of peace
meditation
i can feel her music
i can feel her voice
the place she's at
it's amazing

the room is rocking right now
i can feel the waves underneath us
i can feel the motion of earth
the spinning
i feel it's pull

it was not here
what i was looking for
it's a secret
in my mind
about me
i am curious
as to where it is
but as yet
have been unable to find it
i keep looking
though this may be foolish
as it could be dangerous
to find out secrets

miss lucy had a steamboat

very important, because this sets us the next 3 lines, which have nothing to do with the song

the steamboat had a bell

good for the steamboat

the steamboat went to heaven

good steamboat. pious steamboat

miss lucy went to...
hello operator
give me number nine

single digit phone numbers. you can tell this is from a long time ago

if you disconnect me
i'll kick you in the...
behind the 'fridgerator
there was a piece of glass
miss lucy sat upon it

sitting behind the refrigerator is not normal behavior. it's quite odd indeed. the effort involved in moving such an object away from the wall to sit behind it does show some determination, though.

and broke her little...
ask me no more questions
and i'll tell you no more lies

sounds like a good deal

miss lucy's in the bathroom
making chocolate pies

that way we know that she didn't really break her ass. that was one of the lies. or maybe it was the truth and the end was a lie. maybe it's all lies.

lies.

that's all there is...

lies.

purpleglitter and I watched Total Eclipse last night. I must say Leonardo Di Caprio as Rimbaud was hot. Hot hot hot. Good story too. Definitely recommended. Got me thinking of an entry I made in my paper journal while I was a patient on Cahill 3:

Sunday, January 19th, 2003 Today went well, only a couple panic attacks. I read A Season in Hell by Rimbaud and introduced a couple patients to Diamanda Galás There are 2 other queer people here, which makes me feel more comfortable. The three of us had some very good talks about being proud of who we are: queer and insane.

This post in myenergy's journal disturbed me greatly. As a child, I exhibited very similar behaviours. I still do sometimes. Especially when having flashbacks. Continually hiding coiled up under my desk was the reason I was put into a "behavior disorder" program from the 1^st thru 4^th grades. I don't remember hiding under desks as a child, I've just been told about it. I assume that it was another alter. One who knew more than me.

It horrifies me to wonder what must have happened to the student myenergy talks about. That sort of behaviour doesn't just occur without a reason. Something happened to that girl. Something horrible. Whether it was abuse or some sort of nasty accident, I can't know for sure. However, her repeating the words "Don't touch me." leads me to believe it was/is probably abuse.

The post reminds me again that sort of evil has not left. It is not "in the past". It is in the here and now, and must be stopped. Countless broken souls are relegated to the streets and asylums and dimly lit nightmares. And more are being readied. All the time, more are being readied. Hell is hungry. It must be stopped.

I believe I can change the world. I have the energy, the creativity, the wisdom, and the intelligence to do it. I have seen the universe, I know how things work. The world cannot be allowed to stay the way that it is. There is too much suffering. Too much pain. Too much blind hatred. Things must change.

Unfortunately, I am not in a state where I can use my gifts. I must get well. I must become that which I was never meant to be. Before I can do that, there is one place I must go – I must go to Hell.

We were forged in the fires of hell, but we're better than them. Fuck them.