i'm sure it is only the pot making me feel better right now
but it really is
i still feel a bit shaky
but not like i did
pot can get me through this

they gave me an addictive drug
told me that it's not addictive
told me that the withdrawals were how i normally would feel without the drug
convinced me of this
i've tried to quit this damn drug for some time
but the withdrawals are so bad i end up taking it again
but this time i'm through with it
and i'm pissed the fuck off

Feeling much better.
Pot really helps with the no-geodon effects
which themselves have gotten less
maybe the worst is over
maybe that was it
maybe i'm going to wake up tomorrow morning knowing how wrong i am now
but it could be
i may be free
we'll see

     i
keep
 secrets

i saw a quiz in a friend's journal that said earth was a quiet, shy, and kind planet. earth is none of those things. earth is a rough, survival of the fittest kind of place that's been twisted up into a complex game run by money which is largely ill-gotten gains by the richest. outshing the sun in radio emissions, earth is hardly quiet or shy. do people really think of earth as a happy fun place where squirrel and deer live happy little lives? no, they're terrified. afraid of everything. because they have to be. even top predators have to worry about defending their territory and not starving to death as humans encroach more and more on their lands.

i choose to believe that life has sprouted elsewhere in the solar system. i believe life is probably commonplace. life arose quickly on earth after it cooled down enough to be hospitable. i think titan is still a good candidate for life. it wouldn't be life like we know it, but who knows what different chemical reactions could have occurred in it's cold organic slurry.

i dealt with rob's (mutehalo) death mostly by dissociation. it never seemed real. It still doesn't. It feels like part of a dream and he's going to meet me at the diesel and we're going to walk to my house. on the way he'll give me a cigarette, the only time i really smoked tobacco. we'd get stoned and make out. it was an almost weekly ritual. i miss him. fuck.

I ate a vegetarian sloppy joe for breakfast, resurrection curry for lunch & dinner, and an orange for my healthy snack. However I also ate some candy and fiddle faddle. But I got in plenty of exercise shoveling snow and climbing large snow drifts to get into the house_of_clocks.

the light is flickering off
soon all that will be left will be a faint afterglow
the universe will grow cold and dark
the universe's thoughts will get slower
as a cosmic old age sets in
will the universe be satisfied with its life?
will it hold regrets?
and what of us?
our memory left in some dark barren lifeless rock orbiting a long dead star
is the universe required to remember us any differently?
what have we done for the universe?
nothing
when we do something for the universe, then maybe we can expect something in return
so far the universe has provided for us quite nicely
it gave us a warm sun and a wet world
it's us who can't manage our recourses
it's humans that are fucking everything up
maybe the universe would pay us more mind if we could show that we are responsible
no, we're going to blow ourselves up first
one big species suicide
boom

ducks can put half the brain into sleep mode and leave the other half alert
wouldn't that be handy
it would also be interesting to have a completely left brain experience
and then have a completely right brain experience
would the right brain be able to remember what the left brain did?
of course the duck system allows the waking side to awake the sleeping side
they use this primarily to literally keep an eye out for predators
but if i were doing someones taxes i could let my right side go to sleep
and i wonder what art could be made without interference from the left
this would be interesting to experiment
i would like to try something like this on acid
it just might be feasible.
just maybe
possible
kinda sorta a minor likelihood
worth a shot
would be a nifty skill
i could function all day long
8 hours right only
8 hours left only
8 hours both
if memory doesn't work well in transfers, i could attempt a synchronize function and bring the other half up to date
in any case i've dealt with not remembering the majority of my day before
losing time, even in this odd scheme wouldn't be disastrous
at any one point i'd have at least two thirds of my memories
and a third of the time i'll have them all
well all that i can remember
as i don't have all my memories still
but i have been doing good at keeping present nowadays
my therapist says this is a good thing
my therapist is going to ask me all sorts of questions about what happened
i don't want to answer them
mostly because i don't know what caused it
i guess it could be the celexa outage, but i don't think that's explains everything
i talk with my pdoc monday too, perhaps i'll ask her if that could explain it
she'll probably say "yes" and squawk at me for losing them and not getting them replaced
but i didn't have any money and masshealth won't cover replacements for lost pills
that's all i feel like typing at this time
so i'm going to end this post
goodbye

i decided to call my friend one last time and tell her that i wasn't going. i hope she doesn't go and i'm not there. i don't want to go out in the snow. i doubt she does either, so hopefully she's staying home.

i've been a big grumpy bump today, grumping at people who completely don't deserve it. i feel bad. hopefully i'll calm down with a little herbal medicine in my system.

ah yes, guess what is what is one of the first things i do when i get out of the psych ward?
smoke some herbal medicine
feels very good
maybe if i had access to some i wouldn't have gone in at all

i made it to neitherday
i'm still stoned from the brownies i ate last year
that was the last of my stonage materials
sober days will follow

i'm up later than i have been in quiet some time
my evening dose geodon usually puts me to sleep
but i took my morning dose late so i could take my evening dose late
i took my evening dose about a half hour ago
i'm drinking coffee in an attempt to stay up later
i want to stay up through neitherday tonight
it's my favorite time of day and i haven't been up for it in ages
far too long
i don't know if i'll make it
hopefully the coffee will keep me up

I'm going to start make lists. To start with, I'm going to make lists from the book List Your Self by Ilene Segalove and Paul Bob Velick.

List all the qualities you love about being human:. sight touch hearing smell taste sex empathy love making music looking at the stars and knowing what they are people like Martin Luther King, Jr. and Gandhi fire language opposable thumbs standing upright social interaction mammalian bonding rituals laughter drugs being ticklish ethics

2004 has been a pretty good year for me. I only had one hospitalization this year, compared with 5 last year and the year before. I only cut once this year, and I stopped my bulimia. I'm stable on my meds (except when I forget to take them) and thinking about getting a job. Getting a job seemed a distant prospect at the beginning of the year, now it is a realistic goal. I feel like I've come out from under a rock. I'm a whole new person. I'm healing. Hopefully 2005 will be just as good.

Cloude just had his first outside cage time. He almost landed on my butt as I was bent over to pick something up. I could feel the wind from his wings on my derriere. He was a bit timid at first, but did some exploring. We discovered that he is incompatible with mosquito netting. His claws get stuck in it and he panics. So out goes the mosquito netting. I hope he had a good first out-of-cage experience.