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Yesterday morning, ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} purpleglitter and I got up early to pick up the two cutest English budgies. The rusty cage they were in sucked and there were two cats there were being allowed batting at their tail feathers, but the had each other and to their former owner's credit, they had insisted they not be separated in their craigslist ad. They are so obviously bonded, they are snuggled up against each other more often then they are not. We are calling them Statler and Waldorf. ( +1 ) ----- Statler and Waldorf home safe and sound, I had to head out to my endocrinology appointment, which went well. It is obvious that my endocrinologist is still not entirely comfortable with me being off psychiatric medication and not in therapy, even though it has been years and I'm doing fine. At least at this point she no longer suggests I go back to either. She did, however, suggest I see my primary care provider. I won't, I don't trust my pcp anymore. However, my endo let slip the name of a primary care doctor popular who is popular with her trannie patients that I'm going to check out switching to. ----- After they got done taking my blood, I went over to see Ila. She has been teaching me Telugu script, though the words we've been going over have been Sanskrit. This week I need to practice writing conjunct consonants. I think the script is beautiful and am grateful for the opportunity to attempt to learn it. Ila seems to enjoy showing it to me — which is good, otherwise she probably wouldn't. | |||||||||||||||||
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awake| Answers | |||||||||||||||||
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Answers to yesterday questions: ~~~ It improved until last year. However in the last year, even with a lot of great additions, it seems to have quality and growth seems to have stagnated. ~~~ We are many and one. I estimate that there are between 10 and 20 quasidistinct individuals. You might check out these entries, keeping in mind that most of my entries from 2001 to 2004 have not yet been tag, and that was my most prolific period writing on the subject. 2.71828 I can and most others I know can. However, it is not universal and there are a significant minority that can't. 687 I would simply say they are getting different. 893254 They are separate forces and each exist in their own right. What influence there is flows both way. | |||||||||||||||||
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| Endo Visit | |||||||||||||||||
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I saw my endocrinologist today. As normal, she renewed my prescription and had my blood drawn. As part of the exam, she asked if I had any leg swelling. I mentioned the oddness behind the backs of my right knee and elbow and that my primary care nurse thought they were lipomas, but that I was doubting that assessment. She took a look at my knee and agreed that there was not a lipoma there. She suggested they might be ganglion cysts, but wasn't so sure because they appeared too lateral in form. She suggested that I see a rheumatologist for a more specific diagnosis, but that my primary care nurse would have to give me a referral. I told her that I doubted my primary care nurse would, as she doesn't believe anything I say; to which my endocrinologist replied "She'll believe me.". At least I'm getting someone to believe something health related isn't in my head. | |||||||||||||||||
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drained| No Needles | |||||||||||||||||
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I found out from the Stop & Shop Pharmacy yesterday that my insurance has refused to cover my new prescription for injectable estradiol, meaning I would have to pay $220/month. That amount is completely out of the question, so I'll be continuing with my old hrt regimen even if it isn't working perfectly. So be it. | |||||||||||||||||
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| Drugs and Basements | |||||||||||||||||
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I finally found a place that will fill my new prescription for injectable estradiol: the Stop & Shop Pharmacy in Arlington Heights. They are going to have to order it from their distributer, but that is more than anyone else was able to do. I will be able to pick them up tomorrow. Now I need to set up an appointment with the nurse that will instruct me on giving myself shots. ----- My landlord actually gave me a ride to the Stop & Shop Pharmacy. I was surprised by the offer, but I took him up on it. Afterwards, he asked if I wanted to go with him to his favorite thrift store in Arlington, which is located in the basement of the Fox Library and only runs two days a week. I didn't even know it existed, so I decided to go with him. The prices were very nice and the stuff was not terribly picked through. I was able to pick up a couple nice items without spending much money. | |||||||||||||||||
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hungry| Temper Control | |||||||||||||||||
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My temper has been showing through again lately. I need to reign it in. That needs to be a goal. A new meditation regimen is in order. purpleglitter thinks that the hormone imbalance my endocrinologist noted may be causing some of my moodiness. Perhaps, but that is no excuse. Must calm my mind. Must seek center again. | |||||||||||||||||
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okay| Shots | |||||||
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I saw my endocrinologist last night. My testosterone levels are a bit too high, however my estrogen levels are high as well. She thinks that another delivery system for the estrogen will help better. She wanted to give me a cream that absorbs through the skin, but my insurance won't cover it. Instead I will be getting injectable estrogen. I'm going to have to learn how to give myself shots. I need to find a pharmacy that carries the prescription, as Walgreens does not. I'll still be talking my estradiol until I meet with a nurse to instruct me on how to give myself the shots. | |||||||
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| Back in Boston | |||||||||||||||||
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I arrived back in Boston yesterday afternoon. The trip home was relatively uneventful. My flight left St. Louis at 7:05, and I have found that morning travelers tend to be far less eager to strike up a conversation than evening travelers. I saw my Uncle Dizz for the first time in many years, Thursday. When he saw me he exclaimed "Haven't seen you in a long time. You've got breasts!". He's a very nice guy, who is apparently doing quite well these days. It was nice talking to him again, even if my visit to his house was brief. That evening I stayed up until 2am talking with my mom on the back porch. We discussed many difficult issues and I still feel a bit not-here, but I'm glad we had the talk. purpleglitter, zarthon and I were planning to go to a reading by Augusten Burroughs yesterday evening, but I was far too exhausted having only slept 2 hours the previous night. Maybe some other time. | |||||||||||||||||
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| Splatter | |||||||||||||||||
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i see my endocrinologist yesterday. since she is in the same hospital system, she looked up my eeg results for me. they came back normal. i'm not very hopeful about my upcoming neurology appointment tomorrow. even though it often takes a series of eegs to find seizure activity, with the problems i already have had with people dismissing me because of my psych record i'm almost convinced that it will inevitably happen again tomorrow. i don't even feel like going at this point. i'm processing so many things right now to deal with another asshole in the medical system. however, if i don't go i might not have another shot for a long time. my endocrinologist stated that she was hesitant to give me my scripts if i wasn't seeing a therapist and told me she was concerned that i didn't want to take the psych meds the doctors on the psych ward wanted to give me. i reminded her that she had given me scripts before when i was without therapy and she did end up writing them. ----- i had canceled my thanksgiving trip to missouri as i did not think with my current problems that i should be flying. not because i think the traveling itself would be unsafe; but because with me twitching, falling to the ground, and becoming unresponsive i might attract a large degree of unwanted attention from airport security. couple that with being a left-wing radical tranny and i'd in for a bad time. i am not going to attempt to go to my grandmother's funeral in chicago. even if i wasn't concerned about security, i neither have the means or a stable enough mental state to make the trip. ----- my therapist called this morning asking if my decision to quit therapy was firm. i wasn't feeling particularly together when she called and couldn't really give a definitive answer to her. she is going to call me monday to check in on me and find out if i've changed my mind. i'm torn, because while therapy might be a good thing right now, being involved with the psych system is negatively impacting my medical care. i'm not quite sure what path to take on anything right now. everything seems to be stirred up, inside and out. i need to get away from everything. | |||||||||||||||||
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| Adventures of Yesterday | |||||||||||||||||
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When I arrived home from the asylum, I found a letter stating that I had yet another overdraft charge. I seem to be utterly incapable of keeping track of my balance and the $25 fees add up. I decided that I should just cash my SSDI check instead of depositing it and handle things in cash. I headed out to Arlington center, and only fell once on my way there and was able to get up quickly. I did end up sitting on a bench for 15 minutes shortly thereafter waiting to regain my coordination. My first stop was Leader Bank. There I was told that since they are not publicly traded they are exempt from being required to cash treasury department checks for non-customers. No luck. I went on to Bank of America. There I was told as a non-customer I had to have two forms of identification for them to cash the check. I only had my licence with me. Strike two. I decided to try my luck at Cambridge Savings Bank. I knew my account was negative there, but I hoped they would cash my with just one form of identification anyway. The teller told me the system wouldn't let her do it because my account was overdrawn. I asked by how much, and it was only $3.76. Aparently I had a little over $20 in the account when the overdraft fee hit. Seeing as the amount was so small, I told her to take the $3.76 out of the check, cash my check as a customer with one form of identification, then close my account. She did, and I'm now done with banks (except what will be my monthly trip to cash my check). ----- purpleglitter drove me to my therapy appointment at 5:15. I signed in at the front desk and waited. 5:30, no therapist. The receptionist paged her. 5:45, no therapist. The receptionist paged her again, then noted that my appointment time was actually at 6:00 and not my normal time, and that's probably why my therapist wasn't responding. I had things to do, so I just left.----- purpleglitter dropped me off at the corner and went up to her house to bake merryperseis's birthday cake. I fell heading from the corner to my house, spilling my Monster. Several people asked if I was okay, but no one called anyone on me. I got back in the house and ended up lying in bed for some stupid reason and fell asleep. I drifted in and out of sleep and seizure for a couple hours, having nasty dreams that everything was getting worse and that I was being locked away forever. Finally, merryperseis came into my room and helped me out of bed. I ended up falling on the floor in the hall and sat there until I felt balanced enough to go down the stairs.----- recoiling, purpleglitter, and iamacliche were downstairs and we had quite a wonderful time celebrating the anniversary of merryperseis's birth. Towards 1:00 I started feeling very twitchy again, and couldn't really get up from the couch. All the non-residents of the ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} house_of_clocks had left, and merryperseis had to go to purpleglitter's apartment and pick up my meds, my Metamucil cookies, and mazzycat's tuna for me. I was planning on just crashing on the couch, but did eventually make it up to my room and to sleep.----- Everyday is an adventure nowadays. Some moments I feel so elated I could fly, others I feel suicidal hopelessness, and others I'm simply on the ground. I have some very difficult moral choices to make. The kind where there is no good choice and I must find the one that is least wrong. Another day today. Another day again. Days just seem to come one after another these days. | |||||||||||||||||
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| They Keep Growing and Growing and Growing | |||||||||||||||||
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I am now wearing D cups. Last year I was wearing C's, and that was when I actually wore a bra. I really didn't like wearing them, as I thought they were uncomfortable. Now not wearing one is uncomfortable. I started taking hormones in 2000 and my breasts still haven't stopped growing. I was happy with B's. I liked having C's. However D's are a bit much. They're fucking heavy and are hellish in the summer. Ah well, I really shouldn't be complaining. This reminds me, I need to make an appointment with my endocrinologist. I'll do that first thing tomorrow. | |||||||||||||||||
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relaxed| Undefined Future | |||||||||||||||||
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Just got back from therapy. We discussed both reasons I have been considering therapy. I discussed the events of the last week and told her that I didn't want to be on psych meds and that it has completely solidified my previously existing distrust of the medipsych establishment and want to leave every part of it, including therapy. She said that she did believe that I needed psych meds. I explained that if I start taking psych meds, the best case scenario is that just when they get the regiment straightened out to where it is helping me, I'll have to go off them again because on January 1st I'll be dropped from the MassHealth prescription plan and placed on the new Medicare prescription plan with its much higher co-pays and lack of flexibility. I'll be lucky to be able to keep affording my hormones, much less taking on the additional hassle and cost of psych meds. She thought that was a sound reason not to take them, and said she respects that decision. It's things like this that help me separate her in my mind from the medipsych system in general. Yes, she works in the system, but she is not a fan of it. I figured out that I do want to remain in therapy with her. However, want might not be the biggest part of the equation. If I lose MassHealth, I may have to leave therapy whether I want to or not. Robin wants me to keep in touch with her on what happens in that regard. She was frustrated that DMH didn't work out, but blames them more than me, which makes me feel better even though I blame myself. Losing MassHealth will screw up more things than just therapy, I really hope that it doesn't happen. | |||||||||||||||||
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| Safety and Self Care | ||||||||||||
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My assignment for this week from my therapist was to sign up for the Safety and Self Care group on Monday nights. It's basically a group to help me with eating right, minimizing drug use, taking my meds, showering, paying bills, cleaning house, cutting, and suicidality. All that good functional life stuff. Not all of those things are things I'm having problems with, but I'm having problems with enough of them that she believes I should join this group. | ||||||||||||
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happy| Missing Meds | |||||||||||||||||
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I lost my estradiol and spironolactone. They just seem to have disappeared. I can't figure out what I might have done with them. I can't afford to get the prescriptions replaced, and will have to wait quite a while to get refills. I really don't like doing without my hormones. I get really bitchy when my hormones are out of whack. The last time I saw them was three days ago. While I hate losing things, I seem very adept at it. | |||||||||||||||||
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high| Lake's Birthday | |||||||||||||||||
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| zarthon took purpleglitter and me out to Rudy's for purpleglitter's birthday dinner. I got Enchiladas Verdes sans the cheese and sour cream. After dinner, we headed down to the Diesel Café, where we all partook of caffeinated beverages. After the Diesel, we split up. zarthon went over Stop & Shop to get Lake's cheesecake, and purpleglitter and I went back to purpleglitter's place. Back at purpleglitter's we realized that I didn't have my meds with me. So I took purpleglitter's car back to the house_of_clocks, while purpleglitter stayed at home to wait for < |