I've had several people complain about my appearance, saying something must be done. I look to ratty, my clothes are often tattered. I should die my hair or at least brush it more often. Wear lipstick. Do something.

However, I like how I look. I feel comfortable in my own skin. I've stopped trying to fit into a mold or a subculture. I'm exploring my own ground. And while I may get a little down about my weight now and again, I'm finding peace there too. I don't want to go back to being the bulimic stick I was years ago. I might be "overweight", but I'm pretty healthy (well, except for the falling down/seizure/twitchy/dizzy/whatever the hell they are spells).

I don't mind that people think I look like some "crazy woman". I am a crazy woman. I embrace that. It took me a long time to be comfortable in my skin. To be comfortable being what I am. I have come to realize of late that beauty is not about who or what you are, it is about not fighting who or what you are. I'm letting myself be me, and I like it.

I am not saying that there isn't room for improvement or bettering. While I have come far, I have a long way to go still. But as I move ahead I want to add more than replace. I no longer don't want to be me, and those who want me different will have to get used to that.

I finally understand death and I am no longer afraid of it. Even though I have no reason to expect to die in the near future, the idea of not existing has disturbed me to some degree for as long as I can remember. The idea of reincarnation brought little solace, because if even if my "soul" would go on, my memories and my experiences wouldn't. That hardly seemed like a continued existence, I still felt as if I were facing the nothingness.

It took something from the Brihadaranyaka Upanishad for me to really understand the process of death and reincarnation:

When body and mind grow weak, the Self gathers in all the powers of life and descends with them into the heart. As prana leaves the eye, it ceases to see. "He is becoming one," say the wise; "he does not see. He is becoming one, he no longer speaks, or tastes, or smells, or thinks, or knows." By the light of the heart the Self leaves the body by one of its gates; and when he leaves, prana follows, and with it all the vital powers of the body. He who is dying merges in consciousness, and thus consciousness accompanies him when he departs, along with the impression of all he has done, experienced, and known. As a caterpillar, having come to the end of one blade of grass, draws itself together and reaches out for the next, so the Self, having come to the end of one life and dispelled all ignorance, gathers in his faculties and reaches out from the old body to a new. As a goldsmith fashions an old ornament into a new and more beautiful one, so the Self, having reached the end of the last life and dispelled all ignorance, makes for himself a new, more beautiful shape, like that of the devas or other celestial beings. The Self is indeed Brahman, but through ignorance people identify it with intellect, mind, sense, passions, and the elements of earth, water, air, space, and fire. This is why the Self is said to consist of this and that, and appears to be everything.

My fear of death was founded on my fear of letting go of my worldly memories, knowledge, and ideas. That somehow letting go of these things was letting go of me. But these things are not me. Letting go of these things is deconstruction. I've gone through deconstruction in life, why should I fear it in death? Why have I for so long clinged to the idea that I must be defined by what are essentially mortal things. Death is simply a change, a paradigm shift. There is nothing to fear in death, and I shall worry on it no longer.

I feel very good right now. A lot less dissociated than I have been for a while. I had a cigar then went down to Spy Pond. I sat near the shore and meditated. I have drifted back away from mindfulness in my life, and I have forgotten how wonderful it is to find that place. To look at the amazing that exists all around me.

I do better with short to medium length meditations spread throughout the day than I do with longer ones. No matter how hectic any day is, no matter what else I have to do, no matter where I am, I must do these meditations. They are better than any psych med ever was.

My mind gets lost in loops and I lose the path. I become distanced from myself, those around me, and the Everything. But, it is okay that that happens. It is the way I am. The best I can do is keep to the path as best I can and accept my limits. I am the way I am for a reason, and I must take my problems with my blessings.

My temper has been showing through again lately. I need to reign it in. That needs to be a goal. A new meditation regimen is in order. purpleglitter thinks that the hormone imbalance my endocrinologist noted may be causing some of my moodiness. Perhaps, but that is no excuse. Must calm my mind. Must seek center again.

There are very many stresses in my life right now. I feel as if I'm being pulled in every direction at once. So many hooks wanting to sink into me. Wanting to pull me apart again. A seemingly endless supply of things to be stressed by. At some point I have to accept that I cannot make everything well. I must simply make the best with what is. Accepting that is something I'm working on, for it's easy to say, it is easy to know, but it not easy to truly accept and be mindful of. Now is an important time to make that effort. To be mindful and stay centered. The winds are howling and change is coming whether I want it or not. If chaos is to rain down, then I must be at peace with the storm. I must not fight the wind, instead I must seek the future.

I'm very thankful that I ended up in Massachusetts. If I had instead ended up in an AOT state, I'm sure that I would have been forced to keep taking psychiatric medication. I don't think I would have ever gotten to state I am at now if I were on Geodon or Thorazine or whatever other zombiefying medication they'd want to stuff down my throat. My mind needed to be opened, not closed. Even anti-depressants would have hindered the process I've gone through, as their effect is that of a dissociation from sadness. I needed to address the sadnesses, and not feeling them would have prevented me from doing that.

This process is not over. It will never be over. Every day is still challenging. Every day is still hard. But, the hope I have found shines through the difficulty. The brightness has always been there, I simply couldn't or wouldn't let it in. My shell has been cracked, and through those cracks the light now seeps through.

I'm still not ready to hold down a job. I still have to take things in my day to day life slowly. I need to make sure I do my meditational prayers in order to keep myself mindful throughout each day. I didn't keep mindful Saturday, and had a very bad time towards the evening until I went to sleep. I felt a bit Flowers for Algernon that night, but when I woke up Sunday morning I drank coffee and did my meditations. I was able to move back into the place. It is important that I do not lose the path again. The path I am to walk is path I must take, if for no other reason than there currently is no other path that I can take.

I may not ever be able to hold down a "real job" again; but if that is the way it is to be, it is the way is to be. I trust the winds. I am the way I need to be for me to do and see the things I need to do and see. Just as a whale is not able to see the expanse of the ocean from the sky, a gull is not able to see the depths of the whale's realm. Both experiences are gifts and neither the whale nor the gull is the less for what the other can see.

Unlike a government, I believe an online forum is best run with a heavy handed rule, as there will always be those who will test and push blurry lines into uselessness and a place such as a LiveJournal community is too small a thing to put such a large effort into keeping that balance. I have seen many people burn out in running online groups for that very reason.

Regardless of that, I am pleased by the reaction to and distrust of any authority that I saw in davis_square, even the rejection of mine. While I may not agree with the outcomes there, I am happy the events transpired in the way they did in December. The rejection and questioning that was shown is the heart of the idea of the United States, and it gives me some hope for the future to see it so strong in Davis Square .

It has been suggested I may be experiencing Kundalini Syndrome. As the medical professions cannot help me and the psychiatrists simply want to drug me into submission, it is time for me to look elsewhere and this seems to fit what I have been experiencing. It explains both my mental and physical problems I've been having, and it explains why the medical and psychiatric professions cannot help me. It even explains the great breaking waves of peace that have been washing over me. While I am not yet certain this is what is going on, it is at least something to work with. Maybe here is the road to the answers I seek. Maybe here is the way forward and past the fatalism of late yesterday.

I am filled with both peace and rage. A paradox, yes. The peace is new, the rage is old, both come from the depths, both are powerful, and both have been showing themselves of late. Many years ago, a fellow patient at Bournewood called me a contradiction. That is what I am, my most essential quality. Be that as it is, I have come to prefer the new peace to the old rage, and I need to work to enhance the first and temper the second.

Ground. Center. Outside the window, Sol is gracing brightly the snowlined streets. Cars speed by splashing in the puddles of icemelt. In a blink of an eye, the brilliance of spring will eclipse the desaturated tones of winter. Nothing is static, change is the order of the day. The future is arriving now; leave behind what was, acknowledge what is, and make what will be.

I have found a calm over over the last day or two. A calm I have lacked of late. True, it has an eerie foreboding aspect to it, but I do not mind. I am at peace with myself today and I do not care to worry what the future may or may not hold. I am now and that is enough. Que será, será.

I've left reality behind and it feels good. No drugs (at least for now), no gimmicks, just madness. Sure, I'm aware of my surroundings. I'm not hallucinating - too much. I can still manage to whip up a nice curry as will. But everything that was bothering me is gone. Not here right now. I don't even really remember what it was. Sure, if I want to I can go chase it down, but fuck that shit. I'm good at dissociation, and it's high time we used it to to make ourself happy. It's a crazy sort of happy. Manic may be another word for it. Everything is happy right now. Of course my constructs may come crashing down tomorrow or even tonight, but right now I don't care. But I don't care. We will sit on the floor with my cane and cackle. It's all funny. Everything is. We are chattering and being many and one. Switching persons, switching phases, switching reality, switching being. Maybe I'm not really anymore insane. Maybe my feeling more insane is simply an illusion of my already existing insanity. I feel as if I'm flying in a sea of bananas and I don't want to dry off.

i feel so good after last night's experience
i feel like i figured some important stuff out
not exactly what i expected to figure out
but in this case the unexpected is good
i feel more at peace with my life
the next major drug i want to do is acid
but that is very hard to find
it may be a while before i get my hands on any
i haven't done it in years
it is so scarce now
no one is making it anymore
anyone who cooks up a batch will be rich
there are so many people dying to get a hold of some
for now i'll probably smoke the occasional bowl
and drink the occasional drink
i plan on just living my life for the most part
a life i'm newly happy with

i'm listening to diamanda galás
litanies of satan
very good music
i find it very relaxing
a familiar hell can be a place of peace
meditation
i can feel her music
i can feel her voice
the place she's at
it's amazing

the room is rocking right now
i can feel the waves underneath us
i can feel the motion of earth
the spinning
i feel it's pull

it was not here
what i was looking for
it's a secret
in my mind
about me
i am curious
as to where it is
but as yet
have been unable to find it
i keep looking
though this may be foolish
as it could be dangerous
to find out secrets

purpleglitter came over last night. We spent the night chatting. I haven't seen her as much lately, now that she has much work on her plate. I miss seeing her everyday.

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merryperseis and I just got back from feeding the geese at Spy Pond, which is technically illegal in Arlington. There is something peaceful and calming about feeding birds, and the birds seem to like it, so I see nothing wrong with it. Some pissy residents were worried about the number of geese in town, and felt feeding them attracts more. I say, you can never have too many geese.

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I've been drifting in a fog lately. I don't really know where I'm going, what I'm doing, or who I am. I desperately need to get my bearings. I waste so much time just lying down thinking about nothing. I need to get my life on a track. I need to do something.