Yesterday wasn't the first time being a bit chickenshit saved my life. When I was homeless I lived by being a coward, though I didn't think of it as cowardly. I thought of it as "thinking like prey". I let my instincts take over. By adopting the mind of a prey animal, I was able to better size up potentially dangerous situations before I got into them. I learned my range. I knew where the safe spots were, where to run if I was chased, and where to hide if I didn't trust something I saw. I was very good at disappearing into the shadows, and could do it efficiently.

I knew the habits of my predators. For a period of time, every night I'd walk alone from Northampton to Amherst along route 9. The trip took me about 3 hours with a 30 minute stop at the Dunkin' Donuts in Hadley. There really weren't that many places to run. Usually this walk would take place around neitherday, the deepest hours of the darkness. I would set out around 2am and arrive at my destination around 5am, when the janitors would let me into the basement of the UMass Campus Center (which didn't officially open until 7am) where I would crash on the couches and pretend to be a student. I learned quickly on my walk that the dangerous drivers would approach me with offers of a "ride". The best way to avoid these drivers (90% of the danger on route 9) was to always walk on the left side of the road. They would only accost someone who was both walking the same direction as they were driving and was also on the same side of the road. Observation = knowledge = safety.

Even getting rid of 90% of the problem does not guarantee safety. And earlier in the evening is often more dangerous, as there are more predators awake to prowl the isolated settings. I had my run-ins with them on route 9 and elsewhere, but managed to evade them. I wrote a poem about one such encounter entitled "Paths in the Corn". Those days seem so far away now, but I still carry them with me. I am somewhat feral, and always will be."The Beast" needs a real name. As the Beast doesn't understand language, it can't choose one itself. The beast is a protective alter. Very instinctual. Very vigilant. I think "Fluffy" will make a great name.purpleglitter came over late last night and spent the night. She took me to Stop & Shop after we woke up. I was very cranky at Stop & Shop after I found that the only the Progresso soups with meat in them were on sale. If you don't want dead flesh in your soup, you are required to pay full price.

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This evening, merryperseis and I watched Dancer in the Dark. It's one of my favorite movies. Björk is as good an actor as she is a singer. I decided to add the movie to my top 50 movies. Whenever I add a movie, I must also remove one. Instinct got the axe this time. Very good movie, but it just didn't make the cut. I also went ahead and did a little reordering to the list as well.

Paths in the Corn rev.2 dark alone 3am between days walking the wind the stars the corn hints of cow dung dark figure distant watchful closer closer I know this I know that look I know those eyes faster I've been here before a hundred times darkness friend and foe I can not stop no home to run to no person to cry to I am the prey I am the hunted instinct takes over must escape no thinking just survival salty sweat see everything contrast exaggerated headlights against dark fields fences blocking paths in the corn foot steps ever quicker decaying leaves truck blows gales of exhaust focus running across the highway traffic swerves burnt rubber hangs in the air I look back angry voices fly from car windows only notice me while I'm in their way predator gone fled too much commotion I survive this time

Sparkling Thought Just my flickering The telling words Better and good Wizards and friends Hurt care here Everything anymore I used to remember Last instinct overwhelmed dinner Today just itself Is waves faintest Knitting nights Tempted here therapy Good to forgive

I saw the Goddess Quiz in darenzia's journal, so I decided to take it for myself. It was a very straight, marriage-minded test, which doesn't exactly fit me. Here are my results anyway:

50% Persephone
25% Artemis
16.7% Athena
8.3% Demeter
0% Hera
0% Aphrodite
0% Hestia

( details )I wanted to get some things down on paper before we start taking our new meds tonight. I'm worried that we'll lose our creative spark if we don't. The following poem chronicles the events of a brief moment in the small hours of autumn when I was homeless living in Western Massachusetts about 8 years ago.

Paths in the Corn dark alone 3am between days walking the wind the stars the corn cool hints of cow dung dark figure distant watchful closer closer I know this I know that look I know those eyes faster I've been here before a hundred times darkness friend and foe I can not stop no home to run to no person to cry to I am the prey I am the hunted instinct takes over must escape no thinking just survival salty sweat see everything contrast exaggerated headlights against dark fields fences blocking paths in the corn foot steps ever quicker decaying leaves truck blows gale of exhaust focus running across the highway traffic swerves burnt rubber hangs in the air I look back angry voices fly from car windows only notice me while I'm in their way predator gone fled too much commotion I survive this time