A German citizen who said he was kidnapped by the Central Intelligence Agency and tortured in a prison in Afghanistan lost his last chance to seek redress in court today when the Supreme Court declined to consider his case. The justices’ refusal to take the case of Khaled el-Masri let stand a March 2 ruling by the United States Court of Appeals for the Fourth Circuit, in Richmond, Va. That court upheld a 2006 decision by a federal district judge, who dismissed Mr. Masri’s lawsuit on grounds that trying the case could expose state secrets. ... Mr. Masri contended in his suit that he was seized by local law enforcement officials while vacationing in Macedonia on New Year’s Eve 2003. At the time, he was 41 years old and an unemployed car salesman. “They asked a lot of questions — if I have relations with Al Qaeda, Al Haramain, the Islamic Brotherhood,” Mr. Masri said in a 2005 interview with The New York Times. “I kept saying no, but they did not believe me.” After 23 days, he said, he was turned over to C.I.A. operatives, who flew him to a secret C.I.A. prison in Kabul. There, Mr. Masri said, he was kept in a small, filthy cell and shackled, drugged and beaten while being interrogated about his supposed ties to terrorist organizations. At the end of May 2004, Mr. Masri said, he was released in a remote part of Albania without ever having been charged with a crime. full story

This is outrageous. The blocking of a trial with spurious claims of "state secrets" is, in my opinion, tantamount to an admission of guilt. This crime is even more blatant by the fact that this German citizen was flown to Kabul — an occupied territory of the United States. Does anyone really doubt who's in charge in Afghanistan or Iraq? The crimes of puppet governments are crimes of the puppeteer. It is a further crime that Khaled el-Masri cannot peruse justice in an American court and it is likely that neither those who kidnapped and tortured him nor those that ordered the kidnapping and torture will ever be extradited to stand trial in Germany.

I met with the psychiatrist from cambridge hospital today. It was nice to have a even-keeled dialog with a psychiatrist. I wasn't a patient, i was just discussing the system. And it felt like he was actually listening. Not just about transgendered topics and my experiences on Cahill 3, but to a wide variety of my criticisms of the psych system. I know that I've been fairly anti-psychiatry in my writings, and I haven't changed my views. I still oppose psychiatry as it is generally practiced today, however I have always thought that psychiatry could be a good thing. This sort of open dialog between consumers and providers is exactly what is needed to make psychiatry a better thing. More of it needs to happen. However, the biggest problem is that open dialog can only happen in a non-coercive environment — and when dealing with the mental health system, those environments are exceedingly rare. I'm lucky enough to have had the opportunity.

I've been invited to talk to a psychiatrist at Cambridge Hospital regarding appropriate treatment of transgendered persons in inpatient units. I hope that I responded to the message in time, they called me last week but my cell phone does an extremely poor job at telling me I have voice mail (remember that if you leave me voice mail and I don't respond). They suggested that after my experiences in 2005, I'd surely have some input, and I definitely do. I will say this though, even with all the problems I had and witnessed on Cahill 3 a couple years ago, I'd still rate the Cambridge Hospital impatient units as the best of the many that I've locked up in. I hope I can be of assistance in making improvements.

We have a new roommate: ivyvigne! He's genderqueer, genderfuck and don't really care which pronoun is used for them, so i'll use he for now, and maybe switch later. We had tea and long conversations on a variety of topics on the back porch. I can tell he's someone I'll really get along with. Yay! That's one worry down.

purpleglitter, merryperseis, and I cleaned the house_of_clocks yesterday. We didn't get the floors done, but apart from that the house is presentable. Unfortantely presentable to no one, as the roommate interview scheduled for today canceled, as she found housing elsewhere.

i'm really stressed out
i'm got a million things to do before the roommate interview tomorrow
i don't think i'm going to get done
i want to get drunk
but my temp therapist made me promise not to drink this week
probably a good thing
because i've got a million things to get done
i've got to finish packing lake's boxes
i've got to clean the house_of_clocks
but i'm really bad at accomplishing things
i need to take lots of breaks or i get overwhelmed
but i don't have time to take lots of breaks
so i accomplish nothing
i freeze up
i feel like giving up
i feel like i already have
i don't know what to do
i want a drink
but i can't drink
i don't know what to do

Morning at the partial program went well. Not as good as yesterday, but it still went well. No exciting groups, however I was told that they were successful in moving up my therapy intake date up. It's now on the 16^th of December.

Things started going badly after I got lunch at the S&S deli with someone from the program. After lunch, I tried to purge, but for some reason wasn't able to get all of it out. I hate it when that happens. I had to digest a lot of food that I really didn't want to. I felt like cutting myself. I couldn't cut at the program. I wanted just ending it all. Couldn't do that at the program either. Silly, all that over calories. But, I felt like such a failure.

I have a strong urge to embrace my eating disorders full force. I've been gaining weight recently, and I want to reverse that trend. I lose weight until I simply disapear. I want to fade away. I want there to be nothing left of me. I don't want to exist anymore.

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After the partial program, I saw my pdoc. I told her about how I was doing. She thinks that the reason I have been getting worse is that I went so long without therapy. I think that might have contributed, but I believe the real reason is that the monsters are getting closer.

At the end of the appointment, my pdoc upped my Geodon to 60mg and gave me a prescription to trazodone. Trazodone is wonderful stuff and was one of the few good things about Holy Family. I'm not sure what, if anything, the 50% increase in Geodon will do. 40mg of Geodon have had absolutely no effect.

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I didn't realize until today just how badly I've been doing lately. I can't make it through the day without having at least one major episode of instability, panic, switchiness, and suicidality. Regardless of how well things may be going on the outside, inside I'm falling apart. Everything has been getting consistently worse over the past few years. And the decent has only increased in velocity over the past few months. The mosters are very close now. I don't know if I'm going to make it. I'm very scared of what's going to happen when the monsters come out completely into the open. Cyndi's right, if I can't handle things now, there's no way I can handle what's coming.

Got to the endo appointment on time. We were very switchy at the appointment. My endo saw the cuts on the arm, and noticed how we were acting, so she sent us downstairs to the psychiatric emergency room.

Before I went downstairs, she also give us a prescription to estradiol. No more hourse pee for me.

Before sending me down, she told me our weight is not unhealthy. That we shouldn't lose any more weight, but if I maintain my weight where it is now in a healthy manner, it is okay. The only reason I'm at a healthy weight now is because I've been smoking pot. I've gained quite a bit of weight since I started. This is a good thing. Now I just need to stop purging and start controlling my binges. Not going to be easy, but will be worth the effort.
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I spent about 4 hours in the psychiatric emergency room, mostly waiting. Waiting is a large part of the psych experience.

The visit ended up being a very good thing. First, they're going to try to move up our therapy intake appointment. Second, they got us into a partial program starting tomorrow. I've never been in a partial program, save the 75 minutes I spent at the Triangle Program. I'm a bit nervous about it, but am overall optimistic about it. And, the program is right in Cambridge Hospital, so the commute shouldn't be an issue.

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I came home and crashed for many hours. Very strange sleeps. My sleeps have in general been strange lately. I tend to drift in and out of sleep consistently confusing the dreaming and waking worlds. Both become intertwined in a way that can be quite scary at times. Bed isn't something I look forward to these days.

I missed my therapy intake appointment today. I can't believe I'm so stupid. I'm such a fuck up. I work so hard for something, then I fuck it up. Just at the last minute, I fucked it all up. The next appointment they have available isn't until next year. January 6^th.

I cut myself to punish myself for missing the appointment. I am so angry at myself, I had to do something. I also binged and purged when I got home. Pizza and spaghetti rings. I'd bought them intending to try to actually eat. So much for that.

I'll I can't do anything right. I fuck up everything. I hate myself. I deserve pain and torment. I deserve everything that I feel. Everything that has happened. I can't do one little thing. I just want to die. Everything is all fucked up, and I'm going nowhere. There is a million things I should be doing, and I'm getting none of them done. I'm overwhelmed, and can't do it anymore. I just want to die and get it over with. purpleglitter is here right now, so dyeing isn't going to happen at this moment. But, the idea of it sounds so nice. I'll probably just end up whipping the cuts with a hanger. Keep the pain going.

Spent most of yesterday with purpleglitter celbrating her birthday. We went out to dinner with zarthon and went to see The Importance of Being Ernest, which was an wonderfully funny movie. I'm going to be a bit late getting her present to her, but I should have it by the end of the week. I hope purpleglitter had a happy birthday, she really deserved one.

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purpleglitter went with me to my intake interview at the Trauma Center, which went so-so. They're going to let me know if they can help me/find me help in 2 to 3 weeks. If they decide to take me, I'll have to go back for a full evaluation, then wait another 2 to 3 weeks to get a therapist. The intake interviewer also suggested that I could benefit from a day program, but couldn't think of any that would be "appropriate" for me. I'm pessimistic about the whole thing, and considering the number of dead end intake interviews I've been to in the past year, I think I have every right to be.

cambridge hospital called. some supervisor nixed my application for therapy there, because i don't live in cambridge or somerville. it really doesn't matter. according to the next call, asking for money, which i can't pay for my insurance, i'm now officially uninsured as of 3 days ago. the soonest i can get masshealth is a month and a half. so that means no fucking therapy or even hormones.

i'm upset about the hormones. who really cares about the therapy. i hate fucking therapists and pdocs. do they really care? no. they just want my fucking money. i don't have any, so they can shove it up their asses. i hate them. therapists are just con artists that will fuck around with your head if you pay them enough dollars. they can all go to hell.

Yesterday, after the roommate interview, I went to the Salvation Army Thrift Store and picked up a couple new outfits. One of them I really like (a red crinkled blouse), as it is incredibly flattering.

We rented Legally Blonde last night. Bad. Really bad.

Kat came over last night. I don't get to see enough of her, she's quite the social butterfly.

Today, the only real plan I have is to go grocery shopping at Market Basket. Other than that, I really should try to write something or do some art. I'm often too lazy about those things.

It took Lake over 2 hours to get through the interview and tests. She did fabulously.

We didn't do fabulously waiting. We had a couple loud arguments in Harvard Square. Scratched arms up with my fingernails, though not badly. People stared, but that's nothing new.

We also got hit on by some creepy guy who wanted our number. I'm a creepy guy magnet.

Bought some cigarettes. Don't really smoke, but felt like I really needed some.Went for some cloves. They turned out to be disappointingly tobacco free.

Lake has an interview at a temp agency today. I used to work for the temp agency she's interviewing at. When a company I was temping at (Allairé) complained about me being transgendered, they stopped sending me out on assignments.

I'm going down with Lake for moral support. I think I might do a little birthday shopping for her in Harvard Square while she's taking her tests.

After many "last visits" to my psychiatrist, this one was actually it. She gave me several names of potential new psychiatrists and therapists. She thinks I should get involved in a clinic system so my therapist and psychiatrist will be at the same place. That would be nice. Tomorrow I'm going to call

I got the paperwork for my reapplication for disability. Hopefully I'll get it this time. I was told a lot of people are turned down the first time as a weed out process. I'm have a phone interview with the Social Security people next Thursday.