For breakfast yesterday I had spaghetti in garlic and olive oil, for lunch I had Spanish rice with faux pork, for my healthy snack I had a pickle. zarthon took purpleglitter and me out to Vinny T's in Lexington for dinner, where we got fried ravioli as our appetizer and I had eggplant parmesan with spaghetti for my entrée.

I got my exercise in the morning in the form of a walk. I really getting into the morning walk thing, it's nice to get out and about before the heat of the day sets in.

On the way home from the Super 88 today, I was chatting with purpleglitter about my walk to Lexington Center several months ago. I noted that the walk was easy until I got the the edge of Arlington and crossed over to Lexington, because in more densely populated Arlington there are a large number of landmarks and businesses that I am familiar with while Mass Ave in Lexington is mostly mundane single-family dwellings spaced apart with wide lawns. In Arlington I could keep easy track of how far I'd gone and how much farther I had to go. In Lexington I had no way to judge where I was and how far I had left to go. I had no feeling of progress, and the walk seemed like it would go on for ever. I became increasingly weary until finally the center came into view. In actuality I traveled less distance in Lexington, but without a gauge it seemed longer.

purpleglitter suggested that this could apply to my life as well, and that clicked. I don't feel like I'm going anywhere, and I don't entirely know what progress would look like. I want to work towards getting being able to get a job and have a function and productive non-work existence as well. It will be clear when I've gotten there, but I need to know that I'm making progress along the way or I simply become lost. The road, as in Lexington, becomes endless. I'm not talking about goals. Goals are good, but I'm more interested in landmarks. I need something along the line of "progress is when X occurs or when I have been constantly doing Y or when I no longer have problems with Z". Making a list of these things could be a very helpful exercise, because I may never make it to where I'm going if I never know where I am.

I was in a bad mood and didn't want to deal with anyone. I was thinking of cutting or purging or self-harming, so I did what I've learned is a very healthy activity that really helps me get through a state like that: I went for a walk. I got as far as Foodmaster up by Arlington High School. I had intended to try to reach Lexington Center again, but I was feeling quite dizzy and it was quite sticky and muggy outside, so I decided to go into the air conditioned Foodmaster.

I was walking haphazardly through the isles until store employees started questioning me if I was looking for something and if I was feeling alright. I probably did look a bit strange wandering in a daze with neither a carriage nor a basket.

I left Foodmaster and headed back towards the house_of_clocks. However, shortly after I had set out on my return trip, purpleglitter stopped behind me and meowed. I was supposed to help her look at cars, and when she found out I wasn't at home she figured I had set off on a walk and came looking for me. I hopped in and we headed off to our first stop: a 1997 Ford Escort wagon at a dealership in Winchester.

The Escort looked fine from the outside. The first hint of trouble was the odd sound the engine made when the salesperson started it. However, the real problems were found after we got into it. The ceiling was a bit damp and the air coming out of the vents had a nautical flavor. The car had taken a dip. Needless to say, the car was a no.

After we left Winchester, we picked up some hot cheese-covered breadsticks at My Brother's Place and ate them at purpleglitter's apartment and then headed out to car #2: a 1996 Buick Century from a private seller in Union Square in Somerville, just one street over from our apartment on Dane Street in the mid 1990s.

The car had some noticeable damage on the front which the owner informed us was from him hitting a deer. While the damage was large enough to cause us pause, it appeared to be only cosmetic. Another issue with the car was the passenger window that would not open.

We took the car for a test drive, and it ran smoothly. purpleglitter drove down 93 and ended up getting lost on the side streets in Boston trying to turn around. Heading back we missed our exit into Somerville. When we were approaching the FoodMaster at Clarendon Hill, I called the owner to tell him that we were running quite late due to this.

After the call, the car died, and it died in an odd way. We were sitting at a stop light and the dashboard lights got dim. Then the speedometer shot up to seventy, darted several times between 50 and 70, then every went off. By everything, I mean we didn't even have hazard lights and were were stopped on the very busy Alewife Brook Parkway at night.

Cars whizzing by, we called the owner to explain the situation. He sounded a bit annoyed, and asked if we could get the car out of the intersection. While it was bit dangerous to get out in the traffic to push the car, it would have been more dangerous to leave the car sitting there, so I got out and pushed. We parked the car on Broadway just over the Arlington Line. There we waited for the owner to arrive.

The owner arrived in an SUV with a friend of his. He sounded a bit accusatory, and wouldn't believe at first that we hadn't done something reckless to damage the car. While him and his friend were trying to get the car started, I called iamacliche and asked him if he could give us a ride back to purpleglitter's car in Union Square. He told us that he only had room for one passenger, so I walked home while he took purpleglitter to get her car. Upon finding her car, purpleglitter found a $40 parking ticket on the windshield. An extra jab from whatever mischievous spirit was amusing itself with us today.

I forgot to mention last night that Project Three Meals also includes 30 minutes of exercise. It's just a simply healthy plan with a simple yet somewhat fun name.

So, how did today go?

For breakfast, I had rotini and sauce. For lunch I had rotini with tomatoe sauce. For dinner, I had... well I didn't eat dinner. For my healthy snack I had a cliff bar. In addition to that I had one of merryperseis's mom's chocolate chip cookies. Shouldn't have had the cookie, but should have had dinner.

I did get in 30 minutes of exercise. In fact I got well over three hours in my walk to Lexington Center from purpleglitter's house. I didn't really have any particular reason for the walk. I didn't even do it for the exercise. I just needed to keep moving. I kept singing that to myself along the way, "Gotta keep move'n".

purpleglitter picked me up in Lexington Center and drove me back home.

I'd stay up and make the dinner I didn't eat today, but I'm not doing to well tonight. I'm quite twitchy and dizzy and I've already ended up on the kitchen floor twice this evening, and I don't trust myself handling a hot pot or pan. So I'm off to bed and I'll try to do better tomorrow.

Had a wonderful Christmas Eve. Trash picked a Christmas tree, already decorated with tinsel. Carried it home and set it up in an upturned drum. After putting up the tree, purpleglitter, merryperseis, and I drove around and looked at the light displays. Discovered Lexington sucks for Christmas lights. The place to be is Somerville. After spending several hours looking at (and listening to!) christmas displays we headed for home to cuddle into our beds.

bathofblood came over
we had a good time
it's good seeing her
we went down to spy pond
i take just about everyone to spy pond
it's so beautiful
and so close
i love it

i want to get to the great meadow sometime soon
i miss that place
and i have something i want to do there
a mischievous thing
i'm a mischievous being

the air coming in the window is wonderful
it is another beautiful night
in a series of beautiful nights
this summer has been wonderful
only a couple hot days so far
very lucky
hopefully the luck will keep up

i don't know where i am
but do i need to know where i am?
is that really necessary
i don't know where i'm going either
again, do i really need to know
can't i just have faith that where i am is where i need to be
and i'll end up just where i need to end up
the universe has a way of working things out
everything happens for a reason
that's all utter bullshit
i don't have faith
i've seen enough shit that was pointless
the world is falling apart
but, we'll all go to hell together
isn't that nice?

i just walked to purpleglitter's house
the night air felt so refreshing
it was so wonderful to be outside
i want to spend more time outside
sitting at spy pond
exploring mount auburn
go back to the great meadow
i want to do all these things more

purpleglitter and I went out looking at all the Christmas lights in Arlington and Lexington. Saw some very impressive houses. It was big fun. We drove around the side streets. Even checked out the decorations on the house of one of my gender therapist from many years ago (no, I'm not stalking her, she runs her office out of her house). I remember her. She really wasn't equipped to handle someone like me. I was way over her head. She eventually just stopped making appointments with me. Just stopped returning my calls. Never gave me an explanation. Very unprofessional.

Last Thursday, I went to my 3:00pm evaluation at the Crisis Center at the Lexington Center for Mental Health. We were evaluated by a person name Susan for about half an hour and she determined we were in need of hospitalization. I was okay with that, but made it clear that we did not want to go back to Holy Family. I told them "Anywhere but Holy Family.".

After I had been waiting in the waiting room for quite some time (I don't know exactly how long, time was a blur), Susan came back and told us that she had section 12ed (involuntary committed) us to Holy Family. I told her I wasn't going to go. I asked her to find someplace else. I begged her to find someplace else. She replied that it was too late, I was already section 12ed to Holy Family.

I told her that I wasn't going to back to Holy Family. I started for the door. Susan told me that if I left, she'd have to call the police. I left anyway.

Knowing the police would be coming for me, and that they'd eventually find me, I made my way quickly to the Brooks Pharmacy in a nearby stripmall. At Brooks, I bought 2 bottles of Nyquil, a bottle of sleeping pills, and some candy.

Leaving Brooks, I saw a police car entering the parking lot. I quickly ducked into a clothing store. Pretending to browse behind the racks, I kept an eye on the window. The police car drove slowly by, but didn't see me.

A minute or two later, I peeked out of the store. The police car was still in the lot look in the windows. I quickly and calmly walked in the direction opposite the way the police were heading. I walked into McDonalds and out the other side.

I scurried off into the woods and took the sleeping pills, washing them down with one of the bottles of Nyquil. I also ate a few of the candies.

After the drugs had started taking effect, I decided I wanted to say goodbye to some of those I love. I was in a quite delirious state at the point, and didn't fully realize the risk of capture involved in such an endeavor. I left the woods and walked back to the strip mall. I brought my bag of goodies with me, because I didn't want to litter. I noticed another police car enter the lot, and I quickly ducked back into the McDonalds and sat down at one of the tables.

The police officers spotted me this time. I was pretty unmistakable in my satin and velvet pajamas, silk bathrobe, wild pigtails, and cats eye glasses. I'm sure the officers didn't have much of a problem identifying me at all.

As the police entered, I quickly finished what little was left the bottle of Nyquil, and downed a few stray sleeping pills that had fallen into the bag. Not the wisest move at that point, I admit, but I wasn't thinking very clearly.

The police asked me if I was Karen Luketin. To which I replied truthfully, "No". Our name is Beverly Luketin. I showed them our ID to prove it, holding my thumb over the word "Luketin". I said smugly, "See, my name is Beverly". Of course, the police took the ID, looked at it, and noted that my last name was Luketin. They knew I was who they were looking for.

The preceded to ask me about the pills, about which I was very cryptic. Knowing what I had taken, they called in an ambulance. They told me that they had me on a section 12, and there was nothing I could do.

When the ambulance arrived, the police told the paramedics that they were to wait, that the crisis center was sending it's own ambulance. However, when I collapsed simi-conscious onto the ground, the paramedics said they weren't waiting any longer, and rushed me to the emergency room at Waltham Deaconess Hospital.

The emergency room was a blur. I was plugged up to so many things, I felt like a borg. They fed me much charcoal. Apparently our heart rate went up to 175 while we were unconscious. Throughout the night I drifted in and out of consciousness. I made several delirious phone calls trying to tell people where I was. I kept talking to people, then turning my head to realize no one was there. I was hold and looking at things, only to find my hands were firmly and motionlessly folded on my stomach.

purpleglitter and zarthon tried to visit me around 3am, but the emergency room staff wouldn't let them see me. They were told that they weren't my "real" family, and that they would have to go. I didn't even find out that they had tried to visit until I talked to purpleglitter over the phone the following afternoon.

At some point after that, the emergency room staff decided we were in the clear physically. I was told that we were still going to Holy Family. I was very upset, and started ripping out the monitors and the IV. I told them there was no way I was still going after all that. Four orderlies held me down and I was given an quick injection. I awoke Friday afternoon at Holy Family.

Thanks to the help of pillowkisser, I have an appointment at 3:00 at the Crisis Center at the Center for Mental Health in Lexington. The person from the Center told me that she could probably get me into a partial program rather quickly. I hope so, but these people seem to be overly optimistic. Can't hurt to give them a try though. They're send a taxi to pick me up.