So, Foley claims he was molested growing up. Whether or not that happened, I do not like it again being used as an "excuse" for this behaviour. Most people who are molested DO NOT end up becoming molesters themselves. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR FOLEY'S BEHAVIOUR.

This is a very personal issue with me. I was molested as a child. I would never do anything like that to a child. However, the constant repetition of "victims of molestation become molesters" has made me wonder at points if I'm somehow at risk of waking one day and becoming a monster. I've heard this fear from many other victims as well. People who would never harm a fly worried about being around children because of this damaging "inner monster" myth.

I'm going to say it again:

BEING A VICTIM OF MOLESTATION DOES NOT MAKE ONE BECOME A MOLESTER. It is not an excuse and those who use it as one are further harming victims. Assholes like that should be locked up for the rest of their lives and left to rot.

Woke up this morning very motivated to be successful at Project Schedule today.

I did my hour of prayer and meditation. Spent the first half hour in my room. Sat on a bench by Spy Pond for the second half hour. Spy Pond is a great way to meditate and reflect, I will likely be spending much more time there in the future. After my meditations at Spy Pond, I returned to the house_of_clocks with a feeling of wonder and peace.

I had planned to do my music practice today on my keyboard, but when I sat down I remembered that the power adapter was not working. My viola was at Lake's apartment and I have lost my key to her place, so I didn't end up practicing at all. I did some minor cleaning in my room, but only a small dent in what needs to be done.

I did get in my reading hour properly, so the only thing I missed today was music practice. If I can couple the motivation I had today with better coordination tomorrow, I will be on the road to accomplishing the goal of Project Schedule.

It is the criminals responsibility not to be criminals. People should not be telling us that we need a police force, airport security, or anti-virus software. What they need to be doing is telling the criminals this:

If you're walking by an unlocked car, don't steal it.
If someone leaves their front door unlocked, don't rob them.
If someone leaves their notebook computer unattended, don't steal it.
If someone has an nice watch, don't rob them.
If someone is stopped at a red light, don't carjack them.
If you are on a airplane, don't blow it up.
If you are riding the subway, don't blow it up.
If you are riding the bus, don't blow it up.
If you write computer programs, don't write a virus.
If you've hacked into a system, don't delete any files.
If you work for a bank, don't steal people's account numbers.
If you are near a school, don't sell drugs to kids.
If you are in the mob, don't kill people.
If you are a serial killer, don't kill people.
If someone annoys you, don't beat the crap out of them
If your partner dumps you, don't murder them and their family before you kill yourself.
If you are the head of a large corporation, don't raid your employees pension fund.
If someone looks like an easy mark, don't defraud them.
If you can't afford your next fix, don't mug someone in an alley.
If you are driving, don't speed.
If you make money, don't evade taxes.
If you are a criminal, don't break the law.

Once this meme gets sufficiently passed around LiveJournal, we will have no more crime.

Been riding my bike back and forth from purpleglitter's apartment several times a day. In a few minutes I'm going to take it to the post office to mail the overdue gas bill. I still need to get a lock for it so I can ride it to Davis Square. I also would like to get a light and some baskets, but those are less important. I love my bike.

i'm so very tired
i took 2mg of ativan to help me sleep
but then had the sudden urge to wash some knickers
they're in purpleglitter's sink right now
i have to stay up until i'm done cleaning them
but the ativan is kicking in
pulling me down
i want to sleep

today was a good day
spent the entire day sober
first time in a couple weeks
good to do that
was becoming too much of a pothead
i'm not giving up pot
i just don't think i'm going to smoke as much as i have been
it's gotten too out of control

just eight more minutes and i can take my knickers out of the sink
and go to bed
ah bed
i'm writing this post to stay awake
i want fresh knickers when i wake up
not soggy ones that have sat in the sink all night

i drank way too much coffee today
three cups
i'm supposed to limit myself to one cup a day
but i need caffeine
i'll try to cut down tomorrow

a skunk once saved my life
a couple years ago
i was going to kill myself
i had left during neitherday
(neitherday is the time between days
when it is no longer today
and not yet tomorrow
usually between 3am and 4am)
back to the story
i left during neitherday
i walked down the empty streets to the bike trail
i had a bottle of pills in my hand
a large prescription bottle with the word "EXIT" written on it
it was full of a mix of pills
every pill i could find
but on my way to the bike trail i ran into a skunk
the skunk saw me and stomped up and down on it's front legs
i've seen them do that on nature shows
it's their final warning before they spray
i turned around and ran in the opposite direction
back home
but i couldn't get in
i hadn't brought my keys with me
wasn't expecting to need them again
i didn't want to wake anyone in the house
but i thought merryperseis was still up
(she wasn't)
i looked for some small rocks to throw at her window
but i couldn't find any
so i threw the pills (but not the bottle) at her window
the pills failed to catch her attention
i ended up being forced to knock
luckily my initial gentle knocking was enough to get her attention
she let me in
and i went to sleep

sleep
sounds good to me right now
it's time to take the knickers out of the sink and head to bed
good night

do you want to know that.
i bet you want to know that.
i don't
i don't
but i do
i do
i want to know
what where
everything moving
i'm in this post
little pieces of me
moving
breathing
everything is spiraling
spiraling
ringing
breathing
i have hidden from the beginning of this post
i won't go there
that way i further lock the door.
i lock the path to the door.
that way i don't know the door
and if i think there is a door
at least i won't know where to look
because i won't remember that door
i don't have to go down the path and open that door
it's closed
and i don't know where to find it
i stay in the maze
the one i've built for myself.
just my maze ain't working right now.
gotta fix the maze
gotta forget about the door
gotta forget i've forgotten about the door
hide it deep
stay away
door
stay away

Went on a walk late last night. Left the house at 3:00am. I was dressed in my long velvet black dress, with flowing lace sleeves. A hit of red hid under more lace in the front. I packed my purse with various pills and a bottle containing a mixture of Nyquil and Robitussin in it.

Various places to actually take the pills came in mind. I decided upon the hill by the swings purpleglitter and I used to go to.

Immediately after crossing Mill Brook I was accosted by the foot stomping of a skunk. I ran the other way, into a driveway. I remained in the driveway for about 5 minutes, until I was sure the skunk was gone.

While waiting, I decided I should leave purpleglitter a message before I take the pills. I walked up to the Arlington Heights Bus Terminal to use the phone there. Instead of actually calling I kept looking at the pill bottle.

Why I actually didn't take the pills as intended I do not know. There were a lot of possible factors.

Fear, of course.

I'm don't really want to die. It's more that I don't want to live. I don't like life, things aren't going to improve, and death seems like a good option.

No individual thing I had was particularly lethal, not even the mix of Robitussin and Nyquil as it was mostly Robitussin. I was hoping that taking a great many things together would do the trick. However, I was afraid that if I took everything it would just make me extremely fucked up. The police would find me the next morning and take me into the hospital.

I went home when the lightning started up again. Unfortunately, I didn't bring a key with me. merryperseis had locked me out. I didn't want a key, because, I thought not having one would help me not chicken out.

merryperseis's light was still on, but I didn't want to knock and wake up the other roommates. So, I threw some of the pills I'd brought at her window. Apparently, they didn't make enough noise, as she didn't hear them. I ended up getting in through a window around 4:30am.

merryperseis and I had some good talks for sometime in the kitchen. She's a really wonderful person, and I'm glad she's living with us.

However, I'm still not sure that suicide isn't a good option for me. I'm not sure that it is, either. I'm scared and confused and just don't know.

I do have to learn the lessons of my last two "attempts". I need to give up the notion of a "romantic" suicide, and just do it. I am not brave enough. It's not that I don't want to die, it's just that I lack courage. Probably should just do it completely drunk. Alcohol can make up for the bravery I lack. I wanted to stare death down sober, but apparently that is not in the cards. I can't do it. Pathetic, yes. But who cares?

Another issue I need to rectify is getting some quality lethal pills in my possession. The stupid shit I have is not going to cut it. There are plenty of appropriate things over the counter. I don't want to accidentally live, end up in the emergency room and then the psych ward.

The money Beeb promised us on Friday that she was going to pay Saturday wasn't paid. She said that she wasn't going to sign over the check, because it was sent to her from her brother. She said that she was going to pay us the next day, claiming that she never promised us the check in the first place. She rushed out of the house with a laundry bag, so as to avoid futher arguement. I yelled down the stairs that we can't even do our laundry. She then offered to pay us $40 right then. She pulled out a wad of money and gave us $40 (doesn't have money, my ass). As she left she said "Make it up as you go along". To which Lake said to me, "What did she say". Then Beeb said "Get a job" to Lake (who's been out of work for 3 days, compaired to the 3 months Beeb spent unemployed and drunk in her room). Lake yelled at Beeb to get her shit out of the house. Beeb just walked off.

Many many hours later, Beeb came back. Beeb couldn't get the lock on the front door open. She thought we had changed the locks on her, when in fact she was simply too drunk to work the key properly. We had a loud arguement, where she became extremely transphobic. She also made a couple nasty threats. She first threatened that she hid dope in our room and would call the police and tell them about it. Then she threated to make an accusation of "domestic abuse". She left me only one recourse to procted myself from those threats. I called the police and made a report about her threats. I also offered to let the police officer search the house for drugs, as we don't have any drugs in the house. The police officer took the report, however declined to do a search, as there was no reason to do it. He also stated that the police would not do a search based soley on her accusations. I gave the police both her alias "Beeb X'xxxxx" and her legal name "Mary X'xxxxx". The report may screw up her pending case against the person who supposedly hit her, but she made her own bed by making the threats.

After the police left, Beeb dumped a bunch of white pills, blue pills, and pot out her window into the allyway below. She was a little paranoid about the police coming around the house. She yelled at us about calling the police, but we were just calling her bluff.

We also disconnected her access to the phone line and the cable. If she's not going to pay for them, then she's not going to enjoy them. Again, keeping up with her habit of making threats when she's cornered, she threatened to sue me for the "emotional abuse" of having seen cuts on my arms. Laughable. She also made several "threats" to move out. I hope she actually does something she says she's going to. I don't want to look at her drunken face or listen to her caterwalling any longer.

We heard a loud bang in the kitchen. The door to our private food cabinet had fallen off. It falls off it you open it wrong, so that part wasn't a surprise. The surprise was Bebe going through it. When we caught her, she was looking for more beer. Apparently she had just drunken zarthon's beer we keep for him to drink when he comes over. She said "I didn't think anyone would notice, so I guess I'll replace it."

A little later we found an "IOU" she wrote to us because she was busted. I know she has a disease, but I like to drink occasionally, and I like to not have to run out to the liquor store every time I want to, because my roommate has stolen all our alcohol. purpleglitter and I are going to get locks for our rooms, because I don't trust her not to go through our rooms looking for alcohol. I want to give her a list of what we know she's stollen and not replaced since she moved in: 1 bottle of vodka, 2 bottles of wine (not the cheep shit she gave us to replace the other wine she stole), 1 bottle of Harpoon, 3 bottles of Red Hook.

Bebe announced that since she's moving out, she will pay absolutely none of the bills. So, to prevent further long distance calls, we removed the phone from the hallway and locked it in our room. As there are no functioning jacks outside our room, we've effectively revoked her phone privileges. I know that's a nasty thing to do, but right now we're struggling to get by, and can't afford to pay for her long distance calling habit, which is bound to increase now that she won't pay for it.

Bebe locked the bottom lock on the front door for the second time, after we explained to her over and over again that nobody has a key to the bottom lock. I knocked, but as she was in her room listening to her crappy music, she didn't hear. I then pounded door with my foot as hard as I could. It made much noise. She came and opened the door and complained I was so loud. Well I snapped. I asked when she was going to pay the $424 she owed (bills + last month deposit that she never paid). She complained that she thought she was paid up. I explained that the bills were on the refrigerator for over a week. She said she didn't think she should have to pay all that, especially the electric bill, since we use more electric than her. At that point Lake snapped. She growled that we would pay the electric if she paid the phone that she hogs in her room for hours and annoying hours on end. She agreed (which actually means she owes more money.).

Bebe then started crying. She thought we were friends. She's upset that we don't eat her soup. The topper, that just says everything was "I try to accept your lifestyle, which isn't normal." This is the last time I ever live with a straight person. I had decided that, but changed my mind. I thought that I should be more open minded. But I don't need this shit in my own home. NO MORE FUCKING STRAIGHT ROOMMATES!!

She's moving out at the end of the month, so we will find a new, better, queer roommate to replace her.

I just realized that I'm going to have to start locking the bathroom door again soon. While I'm too modest to use the bathroom with the door open, I don't lock the door as I don't think I'd be horrified if Lake accidentally walked in. It's so convenient to just walk in and sit, with out worrying about fiddling with the lock. When Petra and our yet-to-be-discovered roommate move in on the first, I don't think I'll be as comfortable.