It's spring and my life is waking up. Just a few years ago, my life was extremely turbulent and my mind was an unpleasant place to be in. Everything was always in flux, but far from always in a good way.

This past year has been calmer, quieter, so stable it has bordered on a bit boring. But, it's been something I needed.

Now, things are beginning to pick up again. However, this time it's different. I can feel the motion of before, but things are clearer. This past year gives me a platform from which to launch from. It has been a place of stable mind and thought that has let me ground and center. The loops are still there in the background, but I know how to work them now. I am not afraid. My eyes are opening. I am awake.

Found via dkmnow in _psychmedfree_ and antipsychiatry:

People diagnosed with schizophrenia who are not on antipsychotics are more likely to experience recovery than those taking the medication, according to an American study. Over 15 years, schizophrenia patients not on antipsychotics showed more periods of recovery than those taking antipsychotics, states a research paper in last month’s Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease. Researchers reported that, after 10 years, 79% of patients on antipsychotics were psychotic, whereas 23% of those not on medication were psychotic. After 15 years, 65 per cent of patients on antipsychotics were psychotic, whereas only 28% of those not on medication were psychotic. ... The research was part-funded by America’s National Institute of Mental Health. full article

While I don't have schizophrenia, these results do not surprise me after my experiences with Geodon, Zyprexa, Risperdal, and Seroquel. At first I was a believer. I "felt better" when I took them.

Zyprexa was the first with it's horrible weight gain effects. Then came risperdal, then came seroquel, then Geodon. I was given Haldol inpatient a couple times, the only old school antipsychotic I've been on. It wasn't much different than the newer atypicals.

They all made me "feel better" at first. But, what "feeling better" really meant was not thinking. The major side effect of not thinking when you have mental problems is that you can never work through those problems. Working through problems of the mind requires thought, requires figuring out coping mechanisms and how to break old loops.

I definitely wouldn't say I'm perfect at this point, there's still progress I need to make, but I've made so much progress since I broke free of Geodon addiction. Much of what I'm working through now is the damage done by the psych drugs and not the problems I had initially. The point is, I'm able to improve despite my experience on psych drugs not because of it.

I slept longer last night than I have in a long time. I went to bed a little after 7pm and woke a little after 8am. I've had longer sleeps in the past, but recently I've been averaging 8 (though with some deviation). I feel I went into some sort of hibernation.

The dreams were odd, creepy, and downright sinister – but I feel somewhat deloopified. I'm not sure why I would feel that way and I'm still trying to interpret the meanings of what was there. I'm still not sure what to do with this stuff. I dont know if it will lead to a better understanding, more looping, or simply nothing. Perhaps it's just a glitch that feels like something more. The only thing I know is that I do feel different this morning.

I broke my new cell phone last night.

I guess I'm not up to speed with all this new fangled technology. The phone crashed while I was trying to take a picture of mazzycat. I tried to reset the phone, and couldn't find a reset button. I saw a small hole just wide enough to stick a safety pin in. Thinking this was the reset button that is often found on older electronic devices, I stuck a safety pin in it. However, it was not the reset button, it was the microphone and it was destroyed.

I completely freaked out, and went deep into hating myself. I felt I can't take care of anything. I looped that I lose or break or otherwise damage or taint everything I come in contact with. Escalating all the way.

After a neitherday walk (a slightly creepy one, as neitherday walks on weekends aren't as safe feeling), I realized that I can use an auxiliary microphone. I will superglue it to the phone, as I will need it anytime I use the phone. It will essentially be the main microphone. The phone will be jerryrigged, like everything that is truly me and mine. It is perfect and meant to be.

I need to be more mindful of the fact that obstacles are just part of the plan. They make life interesting and the make life go where life would not otherwise have gone. Keep calm and do not fight the wind.

My mind is too knotted up to do much of anything today. I've been in this state more and more. I do not like this. I feel lazy, but it is not laziness. I simply can't do anything. I'm stuck. I don't like this place. I need to be free of it.

I feel very good right now. A lot less dissociated than I have been for a while. I had a cigar then went down to Spy Pond. I sat near the shore and meditated. I have drifted back away from mindfulness in my life, and I have forgotten how wonderful it is to find that place. To look at the amazing that exists all around me.

I do better with short to medium length meditations spread throughout the day than I do with longer ones. No matter how hectic any day is, no matter what else I have to do, no matter where I am, I must do these meditations. They are better than any psych med ever was.

My mind gets lost in loops and I lose the path. I become distanced from myself, those around me, and the Everything. But, it is okay that that happens. It is the way I am. The best I can do is keep to the path as best I can and accept my limits. I am the way I am for a reason, and I must take my problems with my blessings.

here that?
it is the winds
strike the ground
and let what will be come to pass
and let that which never was fade away

where is this going
some seek escape from this trap
some seek to find its beauty
some seek to define it
some seek to hold mastery over it
but the darkness will come
the creeping empty consumes all

brightness dark
darkness bright
contradictions here
the nothing that is the everything
there is no truth, only lies

speak that which cannot be spoken
and riddle will be broken

i don't really know what to post
and as i have done in the past
i am making a stream of consciousness post to break through the writer's block

-----

i'm heading to missouri in three days
so close, but the trip doesn't really seem real
i've been running around in a virtual habitrail for it seems like forever
leaving it behind seems unbelievable

-----

my room is still a mess
i was hoping to have it cleaned before i left
but at this point i don't believe that will happen
depressing, yes
but, i'm not going to freak out about it

-----

i still freak out about things i shouldn't sometimes
but i recover much quickly from the looping than i used to
before i would be caught in them for hours, perhaps days
now, i get over them in a matter of minutes
not perfect, but orders of magnitude better

----

i'm not quite sure where my life will take me
"not quite sure" is an understatement
long term planning is pointless
the path i'm on has been utterly unpredictable
it always has been
unexpected and exciting
the only thing i can consistently say about my life is that it has not been boring
and i guess that is enough
could i really ask for more?

My writing dry spells are usually caused by self-doubt about what I write. While I cannot simply let that go, I need to learn to write anyway. I should leave the judgement of the worth of my writing on the reader. If it is brilliant and wise they may learn from it. If it is repetitive and trite they may move on. If it is witty and sharp, they may be entertained by it. If it is laughably foolish and ridiculous, they may be entertained by it. Should it matter to me which one of those cases are the truth? I don't think so. However, "should" is always easier than "does".

I attack my own words.

I'm trying to find that place where I know what I know.

The balance is hard to find.

I do not want to make myself seem more than I am.

At the same time I do not want to make myself seem less than I am.

I have strived for the most accurate depiction I can in my journal.

Of course, I am subjective, and my mindstate of the day will influence what I say.

I do not know where I fit in.

My view of that changes daily, or hourly.

Sometimes I feel I am very wise, and want to share what I see.

Sometimes I feel I am very foolish, and what I think I see is not what is.

Sometimes I feel very pioneering, and that I see things ahead of the curve.

Sometimes I feel very naive, and that I'm just figuring out things that everyone has already long gotten past.

Knots and loops and mirrors and pains.

I do not like this place.

I, like just about everyone else, sometimes make really stupid mistakes. Mistakes that I believe I should damn well know better than to make. I sometimes call them "brain farts" in an attempt to make light of them. I, however, have a difficult time forgiving myself for such errors, even when the effects of them are essentially meaningless. I expect perfection from myself, even though I know that perfection is impossible for anyone to achieve.

I like to say that what other people think of me doesn't matter, because it really shouldn't. However, in all honesty it does. I get embarrassed rather easily and often end up looping over even minor embarrassments and errors for an extended periods. Add to that the fact that I am not neurotypical and don't pick up on cues that would seem obvious to most, and it's a recipe for disaster after disaster.

In bitter places, fed up with trying, sometimes I angrily denounce what others think of me. But that bitter place is still based on their views. Often "their view of me" is simply my perception of how others perceive me, which may or may not even be accurate. If I could truly let go of caring about what others think of me and let myself be less than perfect, I believe I would be much better off. It is a task easier said than done, but one that may be worth attempting.

The maxim 'nothing avails but perfection' may be spelled shorter: PARALYSIS.
     -- Winston Churchill

I'm trying to keep from looping, but sometimes it happens anyway. If I catch the loop early, I can break free of it by will power or meditational prayers. But, once it gets going very strongly, my mind becomes blocked to the All and I can see only the loop. Different strategies are then needed.

I used to use methods such as cutting and purging to pull me out. But they only worked somewhat, and ended up becoming loops in and of themselves.

Methods I use now are taking a walk, taking a long shower, smoking a cigar, smoking some weak salvia, or talking with Sol or Luna.

If the looping is beyond that, I will attempt to go to sleep. Sleep seems to be the most powerful non-destructive method of reseting loops available on a daily basis. I can wake up and am able to do my meditational prayer again and find the balance.

If I can't get to sleep, I take one of the dwindling number of Klonopins I have left over from when I had a prescription. I know that it's technically a psych med, but my dislike for psych meds is rooted in living on them. Taking one occasionally, especially with the intent of using it to sleep, is not the kind of use I am weary of.

Sometimes even sleep isn't enough. The looping load has a habit of building over time and occasionally A much larger reset button is needed. But I am not currently at that point.

I'm doing much better at keeping myself in the good place, even if I still loop sometimes. The fact that I am not freaking out all the time with my current level of stress is in and of itself a vast improvement. While I still have minor freakouts, they pass quickly. And even when I'm looping and out of touch, I am more able to move and function. I'm finding new ways to adapt. New ways to continue. New ways to be.

It's a difficult journey, but it is a journey that I have no choice but to take. An easy path was never promised to anyone. Although my path has seen many hardships, it has also seen many joys, and for that I am truly blessed.

I realize some of my progress, like not freaking out about little things, probably seem easy tasks to many. However, it has never been so simple for me. My mind often latches on to something and doesn't let go. Even if it is little, I can't change my mental focus. Finding ways to do that is important. Breaking the loops has been a problem for me for as long as I can remember. I'm finally doing it. Finally. It is liberating. I feel loosed from those hooks and chains. I must constantly fight them from grabbing hold again. I can feel myself starting to go down those roads again. I have to keep vigilant against that happening. It is not easy, but the effort is worth it. This freedom from myself is an amazing thing.

Trying to organize my pictures in the scrapbook, I accidentally set all my pictures to private, including the one I just posted, which means no one was able to see it for about an hour.

I'm always doing absentminded things like that. Every day, many times a day. For example, I had gotten some optically neutral glasses at the Garment District Saturday. Yesterday, I had placed them on my lap while I was sitting in zarthon's car. When I got up to go into therapy they fell off my lap onto the parking lot and the next car to pull into the space crushed them.

In the past I would have beaten myself up over the glasses for hours. While I was a bit sad about the glasses because I so excited about getting them, However, I got over it quickly. I'm keeping my eyes on the big picture. It's not easy to do. I need to constantly remind myself of my place in relation to the All. Remind myself that they are gone, I didn't really need them. There is nothing more that can be done, I cannot undo it. In the grand scheme of things, it is really not that important. And for what small purpose it had, things are the way they were meant to be.

I would have similarly beaten myself up over the images today. Even though they are also of little importance, I would hate myself for the mistake possibly even to the point of self-injury. But, I've grown past where I was and I can see more clearly the loops that I was caught in. I can see that there was no point to the hours of self-berating that I would have undertaken for making the pictures private or breaking the glasses. Furthermore, I have found a method that lets me get out of those self-berating loops. I accept myself, and that is a good thing.

i don't know. i want this to stop. my head need to stop. i don't know how to explain this. i've been trying, but i don't think it's possible. it hurts. it fucking hurts. i don't know how to explain. anything to make it stop. i will do anything. anything. i don't care anymore. i just want it to stop. i don't care if it's jumping in front of a train or shooting heroin. i really don't. i can't do this anymore. i can't. please. i can't. i keep going. i'm still fucking here for some stupid reason. i don't want to be. i don't want to exist. i don't want to be here. why can't i leave? why haven't i left? this is not life. i'm just becoming more twisted. i am as a wounded animal. i only see the pain. i do not want to exist here.

purpleglitter found me and brought me home
but I still don't know where I'm going
i don't want to go back to the hospital after last time
i think I'm going to have a drink instead

i know dragging it all on like this is evil
i am evil, truth be told
but the truth is never told
the truth is the shipworms
only becoming visible right before you sink

i can't get out of the fucking death loops
what the fuck is the point of this
i wish i could put this in a way that didn't sound like petty whining
it's not simply having "bad thoughts"
it's much more
it's my whole mind twisting and tearing
and it hurts
it hurts more than i can make words for
it is pulling me to my knees and i want to scream
there is no one who can help me
no one who can save me from me

i cannot be
i should never have been
i've know this for a long time
and yet persist

i can't do it. maybe i need to go on antipsychotics again. i don't want to, but i need to do something. this isn't working. i'm not making it. something needs to change or i'm not going to stay alive very long. i'm pretty damn close to ending it. i can't do this anymore. something needs to change. my brain is not a good place. there are too many painful loops. they rip through me, i can feel them. i need this to end somehow. i don't know how to stop it. i can't find the key. i don't have the deloopifier that most people have. i get trapped instead. i need this to stop. i need to shut out the world. my brain does not adequately filter information. i intake too much and end up with an overflow. i can't take it all in anymore. i need to block it out. block it all out. i don't this anymore. i don't want to think anymore. i don't want to be anymore. give me 240mg of geodon or 600mg of seroquel and let me drown in nothingness.