Sometimes, fleetingly, I think that I should like to live my life in chronological order. It would be simpler at the very least.

Other times I don't even notice that it's not in order.

Or that bits are missing.

Nothing's amiss until I look at it.

It's like a dream in that way. In fact, I'm not throughly convinced that it isn't one.

I'm lucky to be alive. I mean that in the most real sense.

I'm lucky. I'm so fucking lucky that it's practically unbelievable.

I lived in my car and then on the street when I was constantly losing time and I somehow managed not to get killed. In fact, I was still able to use my wits to l get out of several situations where that was a likely outcome.

I was completely lost, and didn't really have anyone close to me for most of that time. If I had fallen in close with a junkie, I would have become a heroin addict. I would have done just about any drug that was put in front of me at that point. But somehow, I managed to avoid getting an addiction.

My luck didn't stop or start there. I was severely burned as a child, but not only survived but miraculously avoided serious burns to my face. My roommate on the burn unit, Alfonso, was not so lucky, he didn't make it.

I lost a lot of time and almost flunked out of high school. But I made it through by the skin of my teeth. I passed without turning in most of my homework. Somehow. Graduated 313th out of 317 students.

I fell in with purpleglitter and her friends, who took me off the street and gave me the means of learning the skills that lead to my short stretch of decent employment which in turn has allowed me to collect ssdi instead of ssi.

Being able to get assistance without ending up again on the street is another stroke of luck. And at this point, my still having a place to live is astounding.

And I'm still here to live in it. I've tried to kill myself too many times, and came very close to succeeding on a few occasions. But I'm still here. Somehow.

I have seen my share of bad things and been my share of bad places, but I am blessed. It's utterly amazing that things turned out so well for me. I'm so very incredibly lucky. I feel I must have one of those guardian angels like the characters that won't die regardless of how much you shoot at them on Star Trek.

I freaked out earlier about what was apparently just me reading people wrong. I went off and headed to a place in Somerville were I was going to let the commuter rail hit me. I kept blanking out on the way there, and it was very confusing. I saw two car crashes today since I got out of the psych ward. One right in front of the house_of_clocks and the other on Mass Ave in Cambridge as I was walking to Union Square. I made it as far as porter then I had a spell and ended up on the ground and skinned my knee when I fell. A couple people were asking if I was okay, but I couldn't really walk right or talk to well. I kept telling them not to call anyone, but the guy called 911 anyway. Luckily Glenn and dicotomygrrl drove by and saw me. dicotomygrrl jumped out and rushed to help me. I told her that the guy had called the cops and she said she'd help me get out of there. Glenn pulled onto a nearby side street and dicotomygrrl helped me get into the back of the van and we were gone before anybody that might take me away arrived. purpleglitter and merryperseis were very worried about me, and purpleglitter came and picked me up at the Magic Dragon and we drove around and had egg salad and went to trader joe's. I feel bad that everyone has to worry about me. I keep flipping between deep suicide death want feeling to delirious dancing mood. I think I've completely lost it. My mind has snapped. i don't want to go back to the place. They are mean there and they want to make me a zombie and they don't believe anything i say. I want to stay out. I want this rollercoaster ride to end, it's making me dizzy and it makes everyone around me worried and sad.

ducks can put half the brain into sleep mode and leave the other half alert
wouldn't that be handy
it would also be interesting to have a completely left brain experience
and then have a completely right brain experience
would the right brain be able to remember what the left brain did?
of course the duck system allows the waking side to awake the sleeping side
they use this primarily to literally keep an eye out for predators
but if i were doing someones taxes i could let my right side go to sleep
and i wonder what art could be made without interference from the left
this would be interesting to experiment
i would like to try something like this on acid
it just might be feasible.
just maybe
possible
kinda sorta a minor likelihood
worth a shot
would be a nifty skill
i could function all day long
8 hours right only
8 hours left only
8 hours both
if memory doesn't work well in transfers, i could attempt a synchronize function and bring the other half up to date
in any case i've dealt with not remembering the majority of my day before
losing time, even in this odd scheme wouldn't be disastrous
at any one point i'd have at least two thirds of my memories
and a third of the time i'll have them all
well all that i can remember
as i don't have all my memories still
but i have been doing good at keeping present nowadays
my therapist says this is a good thing
my therapist is going to ask me all sorts of questions about what happened
i don't want to answer them
mostly because i don't know what caused it
i guess it could be the celexa outage, but i don't think that's explains everything
i talk with my pdoc monday too, perhaps i'll ask her if that could explain it
she'll probably say "yes" and squawk at me for losing them and not getting them replaced
but i didn't have any money and masshealth won't cover replacements for lost pills
that's all i feel like typing at this time
so i'm going to end this post
goodbye

i want to do acid
acid has always been great therapy for me
it was my therapy before i was brave enough to seek out psych professionals
sure, i freak out a little bit sometimes
have wicked bad trauma flashbacks or get caught in nasty loops
i get really switchy and lose time
but as a good friend of mine stated, acid is for freaking out sometimes
it's okay to freak out
it's actually helpful
i really want some again
i've learned so much on my trips
but i haven't been able to get it in years
it's been far too long since i visited tripland
i want to go back there
soon

I missed my therapy appointment. I know for a fact that I left the house at 10:30am. I checked the time on my last received email (which I got just before I left) to confirm this. However, I arrived at my destination at a little after noon. This is odd, because I mad very good time and should have arrived at 11:15 at the latest. Somewhere along the way I lost around an hour. Maybe a little less. This is odd, because I've been doing so well lately. I usually lose time when I'm doing badly. It makes me wonder how much time I've been losing exactly. I wouldn't have noticed it at all if it weren't for me missing my appointment, my therapist had already assumed I missed my appointment and left.

My sister told me the same story about the music that my dad told me. Someone in the body used to play wonderful music when we were younger. She told me that it was very beautiful. She also told me that some of the music used to scare her. Still very well played, but angry and intense. Emotions. Playing emotions. That's what I do now. Odd how the strings in this patchwork are sewn.

Yesterday morning went fine, but we had had our first therapy appointment with our new therapist in the afternoon. Very switchy for that. After the therapy session, I had to fill out a questionnaire that was quite triggery. Didn't like it at all. Too many questions about things I'd rather not be answering questions about.

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After we got home, quite jittery and switchy still, I talked to my dad on the phone. I had thought my previous piano experience was limited muddling through 2 years of piano lessons, never really becoming very skilled. However, he told me that I used to play quite a bit. And that I, we, or whoever, used to have "emotional fits" on the piano that came out as music. Good, intense music. I don't remember that at all. It's very disconcerting to not remember something so obviously important. It was back then though, and everything was much less stable then. Now, I don't know what to think of my music. I don't know how to view it or where it's going or where it's from. Everyday there seems to be more revelations. There is so much that I don't know. So much. So much.

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Spent the night at purpleglitter's apartment last night. I was really grumpy when I got there, because I got lost and my feet hurt a lot. But, I ended up having a very good, mellow time. Just what I needed after the whirlwind. I will be definitely going back in the not-to-distant future.

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Thanks to the efforts of pillowkisser, the heat is working now in the house_of_clocks. However, a new problem has developed: a leak in the upstairs bathroom.

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Tonight, I'm going to get quietly drunk.

the oil people still haven't come. it's been over a week with no heat. i've been heating the house with the stove. we can't order from someone else, because oil prices have skyrocketed in the past week. pretty much screwed. i don't know how we're going to keep paying rent even. nobody wants to take the downstairs room. i don't think anyone ever will. it's just too scary. i can't deal with all this. i don't think i'll ever record. i'll ever do anything. at the rate i'm going, i'm just going to keep falling into the abyss. everything is pointing to the one exit door. i want to take it. i want out.

can't exit today, got things to do. the house is a mess and people are coming over. none of us seem to be in cleaning mode. the central group is very unstable. i can tell we're extremely unstable, because the floaters can take more time when the central group is in turmoil. we tend to feed off each others doing bad, but the floaters aren't as effected. when we do good, the floaters can't break through to front that much. it's not that the floaters are bad, it's just scary not knowing what the body's up to. some people suggested that we consider going into the hospital. but with the holidays, its going to be crowed there now. they'll probably ship us off to holy family. i'm never going back there. ever. no no no.

i'm not doing well. not at all. i do well for fleeting moments, but my days are blending together. i'm losing hours at a time. everything is very confusing. i can't remember when i've taken my meds or not. sometimes i guess that i have, sometimes i guess that i haven't, sometimes i just take a half dose because i haven't any clue. i'm falling onto the ground and panicking all the time. everything is crescendoing. louder louder louder. nothing is quiet anymore.

i just purged. so much for that effort. fuck it. i know i'm collapsing again. i know it's all going down the drain. i've been daydreaming about cutting all day. i guess purging is better than cutting. i don't know. i just want to hurt myself. i hate myself. i hate myself. i hate myself.

i haven't played nearly enough music today. i'm going to go play some now.

This post in myenergy's journal disturbed me greatly. As a child, I exhibited very similar behaviours. I still do sometimes. Especially when having flashbacks. Continually hiding coiled up under my desk was the reason I was put into a "behavior disorder" program from the 1^st thru 4^th grades. I don't remember hiding under desks as a child, I've just been told about it. I assume that it was another alter. One who knew more than me.

It horrifies me to wonder what must have happened to the student myenergy talks about. That sort of behaviour doesn't just occur without a reason. Something happened to that girl. Something horrible. Whether it was abuse or some sort of nasty accident, I can't know for sure. However, her repeating the words "Don't touch me." leads me to believe it was/is probably abuse.

The post reminds me again that sort of evil has not left. It is not "in the past". It is in the here and now, and must be stopped. Countless broken souls are relegated to the streets and asylums and dimly lit nightmares. And more are being readied. All the time, more are being readied. Hell is hungry. It must be stopped.

The partial program went very well up until the end, today. We had a CBT group, which is something I still want to get into a program for. In the next group we discussed stigma. A normal topic I've been in many group discussions of, but this one took on a much more interesting slant. I like interesting slants.

We also had a discussion in yet another group about the benefits of marijuana. The facilitator was notably unenthusiastic, but me and another patient presenting the same side of the debate ran circles around her. We talked about marijuana being not physically addictive versus alcohol and several physically addictive psych meds. We brought up the fact that many people quit drinking by starting smoking marijuana. Mentioned that something that can help many of us, and has a minimal effect on the body, can't be such a bad thing. That self-medicating is often needed when psych meds fail. The facilitator was hard pressed to come up with anything more than "That's okay, but I don't recommend using marijuana.".

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With how well things were going, I was surprised to find myself at the end of the partial program on the floor scared and shaking and disorientated. The staff people were offering to take me to the psych emergency room, and asked me a lot of questions. I told them I'd be able to make it home, and that Harriette was meeting me there, so they let me go.

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I arrived home at 4:15pm and Harriette arrived shortly thereafter. We had tea and discussed the partial program, how to get me to my intake, nihilism, reincarnation, and ontological wonder sickness. Harriette is a fabulous case worker. I look forward to her visits.

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I got a package from my parents, which contained presents for purpleglitter and me. myenergy told me I could go ahead and open mine. They got me a scarf and an electric toothbrush and a bunch of chocolates. The scarf in particular is wonderful. It's very soft and I've never seen a scarf so wide. I love it. I will be very warm this winter.

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Someone poured Comet all over the dishes in the sink. I asked merryperseis, and she didn't know anything about it. That leaves only the floaters. Mischievous alters can be so disconcerting. I guess I'm going to have to clean that mess up.

purpleglitter and zarthon are helping me pack today. Actually, they are doing most of the work. I'm not doing well. I'm too shakey and unstable and falling down to do much. I'm doing some, but not nearly enough. All the activity is too much, and freaks me out and I have to take lots of breaks. More breaks than packing. I feel very guilty, even though purpleglitter and zarthon say I shouldn't. This is the absolute worst time for us to be moving. I don't remember things being so bad in the mind. Not since the Age of Floaters. I don't know what's happening. I'm surprised the Central Group has managed to maintain cohesion. I don't know what will happen if we lose cohesion. I'm very very afraid of that.

Late last night, purpleglitter and I watched Gia. Wonderful movie. Angelina Jolie is absolutely drop dead sexy. The character of Gia reminded me of riga_mortia in many ways. I don't mean Gia's heroin use or the problems surrounding it, I mean she's like Gia in the youthful, take-no-crap, in-your-face, strong, powerful, sparky, sexy, sensual, outrageous, over-the-top, and simply amazing ways.

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I don't remember going to bed. purpleglitter told me in the morning that I was freaking out when I went to sleep. Probably one of the floaters went to bed. I remember when I was growing up, I'd be playing outside, then the next thing I'd know I was waking up in the middle of the night or the next morning, often on the couch. I lost a lot more time back then, but lately I've been catching up.

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merryperseis, pillowkisser, and I signed the lease this morning along with the landlord. All that's left is for laurellily to sign. Hopefully I can arrange that for Monday morning. It's been a chore getting this all arranged, but it looks likes it's working out. East Arlington, here I come.

My plans got canceled at the last minute last night. purpleglitter was more than happy to come over and hang out with me, and I was more than happy to see her. merryperseis joined us in the playroom where we drank dragonberry wings and played fun writing games.

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Around noon today, merryperseis and I went to the Great Meadow. I'm always amazed at how much the great meadow changes over the seasons: barren in the winter, flooded and mazelike in the spring, lush and overgrown in the summer, and a colorful patchwork in the autumn. The Great Meadow is still very much in summer mode, but will be quickly moving into the painted glory of autumn.

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I was planning to go straight to darkroomman's gathering after the journey thought the Great Meadow, but I missaved the directions to his house. Unfortunately, included in the directions was his phone number. I IMed him, but it was over an hour before he was able to respond. By the time were finally able to leave the house, purpleglitter and I were only able to spend an hour at the gathering.

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I wasn't doing well mentally at all by the time we got back to the house_of_clocks, and since we were running late anyway, purpleglitter and I decided to forgo Glitter Switch. We will try to go next month, providing I'm still living in the Boston area.

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I discovered that I've gotten many voice mail messages that I didn't' know about over the past few days. I've been checking the messages regularly, but somehow didn't hear them. I'm very confused and disorientated about the whole thing. There was a message from the Trauma Center recommending a day program that I could get into. A message from Sara, who I'm very glad to hear isn't mad at me. Several messages from Jude, who I'd thought never called me back. Even more worrisome about the messages from Jude, is that I was home at the times he called.

I must be more switchy than I thought. I'm very worried that this whole phone/message thing is a sign that the floaters are coming out more often. I'm not surprised, as the Central Group has been very unstable recently, and when the Central Group is unstable the floaters have a much easier time taking front.

you won't remember this, you never do. the pain is too much here for you to remember. you are seeking that which you do not want.