I guess the stress was too much for Isobel. The daily putting of the medicine on her. she was showing signs of stress, but she kept eating. That's what the vet said to watch, to make sure she kept eating. She was looking a little ragged as the medicine had gotten on her flight feathers and made it a bit harder to fly, but she seemed to be getting better. I thought she was getting better. But now she's dead. Maybe I didn't take good enough care of her. I didn't always do the medicine the right way. I tried. I grew so attached to helping her heal. I thought I was doing good, but maybe my daily handling lead to the stress that caused her to die. Sometimes I'd forget to do the medicine and she'd covered up for the night and I'd have to take her out of the covers and put the medicine on her then. That would stress her out extramuch. I know that this is meant to be, that everything that happens is for a reason, and all that spiritual Universe stuff, but I still feel I failed her. I failed her like I failed madeleinecat.

We went over to Angell Memorial to say goodbye to madeleinecat. She was panting heavily in the oxygen kennel and hissing at the staff. She calmed down when purpleglitter and I started petting her. We talked to her and pet her for a while, the vet administered a sedative. After that she needed to be moved to a private room with oxygen so that she could be euthanize. I chose to carry her there myself, because she was extremely terrified of the place and the people there. I gently wrapped her in a towel and began what was a very very long walk. I talked calmly to her the whole time, but was unable to hold back my tears. Walking to the room I knew she would die in with her in my arms trusting me was incredibly hard. I didn't want to do it, but I knew it was the right thing for her. I wanted her to be as comfortable as possible. They let purpleglitter and me stay with her in the private room for a few minutes before they came back in. We held her and told her we loved her as they stuck the needle in her leg. It was so quick. She was panting and alive and then she just stopped moving. Still a soft, beautiful cat. Just dead. I'm glad it was painless and she went with us around her. I miss her. I don't know if I was the best thing for her in life. I tried. She was a good cat.

madeleinecat's heart is enlarged, irregularly shaped, and having trouble functioning. She is in severe respertory distress. There appears to be a large clot. There is nothing they can do. They are going to have to put her to sleep.

madeleinecat is at Angell Memorial Animal Hospital. We brought her in for emergency treatment because she was having trouble breathing. She is currently in an oxygen kennel. Her prognosis was listed as "guarded -> fair". We won't know any more until after 10:00am.

marshmallow escaped
i thought she was dead, because i hadn't seen her in 5 or so days
and she hadn't eaten her food
she had created a little nest under the bedding in the bottom of her cage
days would pass without me seeing her, but i'd notice the food disappearing
but this time the food wasn't going anywhere
purpleglitter offered to clean out the cage and bury marshmallow
but when she took apart the cage and emptied it, there was no mouse inside
i have no idea how she could have gotten out
the cage wasn't open
i'm pretty sure she didn't sneak past me as i was feeding her
it's a mystery
i think i'm going to set up a trap to try to recapture her before the cats get her

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my sleep schedule has been incredibly haphazard of late
some days i'll sleep 18-20 hours, other just 1 or 2
i'll drop into a deep depression, and not be able to get myself out of bed one day
and the next, i'll be so up that i don't feel i need sleep
it's been suggested that i go back on my celexa for the depression
but i'm not depressed all the time
and i don't want to be on psych meds again
i like being off them
i like thinking

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i need to start posting more
i have just not felt like interfacing with the general world much lately
i haven't been a complete hermit, but i've been more isolated than i usually am
i didn't even have a birthday party this year
something that i generally do
i just didn't feel up to arranging it
i need to be more social, both online and off

geodon and ativan have started kicking in
feel a lot better
i think i'm going to feed the kitties and try to get some sleep

The cats have found a mouse in my room. The mouse escaped when I went to see what they were up to. This is not the best room for a mouse to be in, because both mazzycat and madeleinecat spend most of their time in here.

madeleinecat is passed out in a pile of catnip behind me
she is almost as big a stoner as me
she has had a good day
she also got vanilla egg nog, which is one of her favorite things to drink
i've been cuddling with her and mazzycat most of the day
a quiet day with my kitties
i love them even if they do make little shit bombs on my floor, one of which i stepped in again today

i've been talking to my mom (myenergy) more often lately
that is a good thing
she got me a wonderful full-length wool coat for christmas
it will keep me warm when winter really gets rolling

Must I come home to a room with shit, vomit, and hairballs all over the carpet?

took madeleinecat to the vet yesterday
she had just gotten in a fight with spyder right before i had to put her into the carrier
she was hiding under the bed afraid (spyder is a much bigger cat)
i had to pull her out from under the bed
in doing so she attacked my hand and gave me many bites and scratches
madeleinecat had the amazing ability to transform form a cute cuddly cat into a angry ball of fangs and claws
she preformed this feat for the vet as well
the vet put her in a net to give her her shot
he didn't want to handle her
she was very pet cemetery cat
but she's going to be all better
found out she has an infection on her belly (already guessed that), has arthritis, and doesn't have ear mites
i just have to give her her medicine every day
that should be an adventure

My room smells like cat piss. I recently discovered that it is madeleinecat not mazzycat peeing on the floor. I don't know what to do or how to stop her. I've tried but failed. I would like my room not to smell like cat piss. I really would. I'm just not sure how to do it.

I have updated my profile. For simplicity's sake, I'm only posting the parts I changed here.

New Profile I have finally found a place I fit in. I have a place in my community. I am the madwoman. I am a multiple system. In older entries I used "we" often, but nowadays I usually (but not always) use "I". Just easier to write that way. I still identify as plural. I'm also a bisexual, vegetarian, polyamorous mtf pre-op transsexual. I have two wonderful girlfriends (purpleglitter and merryperseis) and two wonderful cats (mazzycat and madeleinecat) Old Profile I don't really fit in anywhere, but I'm okay with that. I have dissociative identity "disorder" (or the condition formally known as multiple personality "disorder".) You will notice that in the course of this journal I will use "I" for me and "I" and/or "we" for the system as a whole or the Central Group. Occasionally another alter will make a post, but for the most part this journal is mine. I'm bisexual and a pre-op transsexual (mtf). I've left behind my long gothic phase, and am currently molding my style into something infinitely more fabulous. I still have some gothic friends and gothic tendencies, but have been burnt too many times in the subculture to wish to continue immersion in it. I have decided to start my own. I have very eclectic musical tastes, as one might imagine. Diamanda is Goddess. My religion is my own. While I draw from both Neopaganism and Buddhism, most of it is simply what makes sense to me. I'm vegetarian. Meat is yuckie. I have two wonderful girlfriends (purpleglitter and merryperseis) and one wonderful cat (mazzycat). Buttercup is my favorite Powerpuff Girl.

I missed my partial hospital program today. It was the introductory day, so I'm pretty much out of the program. I couldn't shave because my razor seems to have disappeared and I didn't have cash for a new one. After purpleglitter woke up, far to late for the program, I went over to her apartment and used my razor there. Things are very busy as she moves tomorrow. mazzycat has already moved back in. madeleinecat moves in tomorrow.

therapy didn't go so well
i got really disoreantated
ended up on the floor
left early
things got better from there
met kaiaroo at tealux in harvard square
mellowed out at her house
after i got back to arlington, purpleglitter and we had red bulls at spy pond
i fed the geese
they all came running out of the water
been here at purpleglitter's most of the evening
i may bring mazzycat over for a visit with madeleinecat in a couple days
all in all
apart from therapy i had a pretty good day

Fuck med experimentation. I need my geodon. And I need my celexa, too. I can't even navigate the T properly if I'm not fully medicated. zarthon had to get me a taxi home yesterday. I'm doing much better today being on all my meds. I need to get back on my medications and stay back on my medications. Period.

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lyght gave purpleglitter and me a ride to purpleglitter's apartment to pick up madeleinecat, because purpleglitter's car is broke and stuck out in front.

purpleglitter, pillowkisser, and I watched The Royal Tenenbaums last night. The movie had many thought provoking and/or entertaining moments sandwiched between segments of blandness. Worth watching, but not worth putting anywhere near the top of your list.

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purpleglitter is planning on bringing Madeleine over for Thanksgiving. Mazzy will be very excited to see her old friend.