More and more over the years Cyndi has become more of a guide. It's not like she wasn't before, when I was afraid of her, I just didn't understand what she was trying to show me: that no one could save me, I had to save myself.

She's still around and while she can still be a bit rough at times, she is more helpful. Yesterday, during our walk, she showed me how to control the flow of time. Now that may sound a bit completely fucking insane at first, but allow me to explain.

I'm not talking about time travel or anything like that, I'm talking about the speed of perceived progression. I'm sure everyone reading this has at one time or another experienced a dramatic moment that went in slow motion. Some of you may have taken one of the various drugs that can produce a time dilation effect such as lsd or seroquel. Yesterday, Cyndi was showing me how to intentionally trigger that slow motion effect without a dramatic event or drugs.

I'm not quite adept at it yet – I can do it well in a calm setting, but it gets significantly more difficult if there is a commotion around. With practice that may change. The ability to make the good things last a bit longer, or at least feel as if they last a bit longer, has a lot of appeal.

I can no longer work the old magick. Matters not. I have new magick now.

Where I've been seems so distant now: a different time, a different place in a different world. A different me. I am the shadow of what was come to find its own life. However, I know I am where I have always been, I'm just looking from a new perspective. The perspective of now.

I still hear the winds. When I no longer hear them, I will know they have finally taken me. Until then, I have my small place here in the Happening that is the Becoming. After that, I will go wherever the wind takes me.

I want to start painting and giving away wish pods again. I've given a few away recently, but that has been the more the exception than the rule. In order to start giving them away more regularly, I need to build up a supply again, as most of the one's I painted were given away long ago.

i am worried
i am worried that i won't be able to stay above the waves
i am worried that i will be sucked back down
i do not want to go back to where i've been
i do not want to return to those roads
but i often feel the darkness closing in
there is much i am keeping inside right now
and telling no one at all
the world does not feel real
i am far behind the window eyes
i look out the window
and i hear the winds
the same winds that are always there
i do not know where i am going
but i do know that in the end the winds will come for me
i ask, what i am here for?
my eyes look upon what is before them
i note the what is right before i forget it
the demons are still with me
i do not think they will ever leave
i walk through the mud
and reach for the sky
i cannot take in these things
i am not a great person
i cannot make long sense of what is here
only in passing does it match
every angle changes
forever
no paradigm can stick
flux
change
eternally
nothing constant
i wander still here
i walk still here
i forget still here
what is coming must soon come to pass
i have trouble staying in the body now
more and more
i leave it behind
i am not going mad
i never left mad
soon the sky will be yellow and the grass blue
for reality never was where i am
adrift in a sea of dreams
always forgetting where i am
and never find the shore

here that?
it is the winds
strike the ground
and let what will be come to pass
and let that which never was fade away

where is this going
some seek escape from this trap
some seek to find its beauty
some seek to define it
some seek to hold mastery over it
but the darkness will come
the creeping empty consumes all

brightness dark
darkness bright
contradictions here
the nothing that is the everything
there is no truth, only lies

speak that which cannot be spoken
and riddle will be broken

It is said "do not fight the wind" and that is exactly what I have been doing. All the madnesses in and around me have been running me into the ground for one reason: I have been fighting them. I now look to the only god I have ever prayed to. The only one I have ever asked for the assistance of. He is not who most would assume. I must make him welcome in my life and home. He will be here whether or not he is welcome. Now is the whirlwind and I shall strike the ground and become one again with that which cannot be tamed.

stolen from definatalie and existentialista

Look at your LJ "interests" list. If you have fewer than 50 interests, pick every fifth one. If you have between fifty and seventy-five interests, pick every seventh one. If you have over seventy-five interests, pick every tenth one. If you have fewer than ten, pick all of 'em. List them on your LJ, and tell everyone exactly what it is about these things that interests you so much.

bad jokes – I tell them all the time, just ask the many tortured people around me.
chaos magick – Chaos is something I'm very in tune with. It is madness, but not without reason. What better way for me to work magick?
cut-ups – I use cut-ups regularly for inspiration in writing poetry. I've even written several cut-up engines.
etymology – The evolution of language is interesting and ongoing. The way words move through time is very telling of how people think.
healing – I'm trying to get better on many fronts. It's slow, but I've been making progress.
kissing – Kissing is wonderfully versatile. It can be a subtle peck or a passionate oral dance and anything inbetween. It can lead to other things or be wonderful on it's own. Many of my most memorable nights have been largely spent participating in this activity.
masala tea – My favorite hot caffeinated beverage. Coffee is stronger, but masala tea tastes better.
mp3s – I finally have my music back. I have many thousands of these files, and yet I still feel as if I need more.
pastels – While I've been doing more of my art electronically lately, pastels are still my physical medium of choice.
prime numbers – The basic elements of the numbers and thus of mathematics and thus of physics and thus of the universe. How could one not be interested in them?
sandman – I love the Sandman comics, though have unfortunately not had the opportunity to read the entire series. I want more.
spironolactone – Keeps me from producing lots of testosterone.
tabby cats – mazzycat is a tabby. She's fabulous.
trees – Starflower likes to hug them. I think they're beautiful and amazing.
∞ – Infinity and its symbol played a very important role in purpleglitter's and my trips together in the mid nineties.

I think I'm going to start reading the tarot more. I don't read tarot in the "normal" manner. I pay little attention to the "official" meaning of the cards. I combine my readings with scrying. The deck I use is the Tarot of the Spirit. I find the often abstract images on the cards work well with my scrying technique. I'm going to start by giving more readings to my girlfriends, and eventually start giving readings to my other friends as well. I want to start exploring my spiritual side again, after leaving on the shelf for so long.

strobe light
loud music
turn down
but not off
i saw exploding circles earlier
and posiden
and ritual people in a forest
caring staffs
...
...
...
trauma x
here we are
floating
not thinking so much
purity of thought
moving
...
...
...
i appear to be doing three dots three dots three dots again
...
...
...
will i rebel?
will i slip in an extra dot just to be different?
...
...
...
purity of experience
i love purity of experience
it's just you and i here
hello
...
...
...
how are you?
where do you find yourself now?
why are you here?
...
...
...
what am i doing here?
i'm just sitting here
that is what i am doing
traveling down the page
typing my where somewhere
i'm a bit lost
and don't know where i'm going at the moment
but i'm sure i'll find something interesting
always do
...
...
...
i need to get some acid
pot and the strobe light are one thing
but with acid i think i could break through all this
this
this clutter
meant to distract me
i know
i designed it
i just have to figure out why
but i designed it specifically to hide why
which is very annoying
but i have played this game for many years now
i know how it works
i need some acid
make a few adjustments to the rules
...
...
...
where am i?
in someplace else
i'm not in the outer "reality"
but i'm communicating with it
are you there?
or are you here?
still reading
wondering if i'll rebel
add that forth dot
leave one off
...
...
...
maybe i won't
maybe by not rebelling today i'll be different
i'll rebel by not rebelling
...
...
...
my foot is asleep
i can't move
i am frozen
only my fingers and eyes have movement
everywhere else
i'm frozen
where are the doors
i don't have to move to reach them
i can move the doors toward me instead
...
...
...
good journey

I did a tarot reading on myself and found that I need to take acid. Interesting what the cards can tell you.

there is so much here. words cannot describe it right. this place. i am not in your reality. mine's changing. i'm in a bubble. there are streaks in the air. raining. raining. dancing. moving. bliss. this is my reality, because i make it such. i can edit reality. everybody does it. everyone edits their reality. it's just what's the template. pressed by memories. that tells us how to edit reality. change the template. it's that simple. reality can be anything you want it to be. your reality. not everyone else's. you don't have to be part of their reality. if you choose not to. it's just a matter of ignoring it. block it out. stop paying attention to their reality.

who is "i", the reader or is the author?
who is "you", the reader or the author?
what does this all mean?

I was flipping through my orange journal and ran across a happy memory. It was written the afternoon after Gerette and I went skinny dipping.

August 6th, 2000 1:00pm The ritual went extremely well. Clover didn't go, but that was okay. We were able to cleanse Gerette's tainted items and break the hex. After the ritual, Gerette and I went skinny dipping. It was fun. I've never done that before. I made Gerette turn around while I was out of the water so she wouldn't see me. Gerette left the water first, after which I swam to the middle of the pond. It was so nice sitting in the middle of the quiet water with a slight mist obscuring the shore, staring up at the pinhole stars while the occasional meteor would streak by. It was just me and the water and the sky. No one else, nothing else. Just me alone in the universe.

I want to go skinny dipping there again. Unfortunately, Lake won't drive to the pond, me and Gerette aren't getting along anymore, and I don't know anyone else who both has a car and is interested.