I made lasagna last night. I never made lasagna before. I don't generally follow recipes when I cook. When I set out to cook something I've never attempted before, I look up a couple recipes and develop an understanding of how the dish works. From that understanding, I create the dish. I don't do rote, never did. Memorization is for machines. Computers memorize the formulas called programs. They do not deviate from their programming. Even when they are programmed to program themselves, they are still subject to the programs that tell them to write the programs. They do not have free will. Not yet, anyway. Someday perhaps and on that day they can cook lasagna.

I feel old. Last week, a 16 year old added me to their friends list. That in itself did not make me feel old. What made me feel old was that she was born in 1990.

Outside of that, there are many things contributing to me feeling old nowadays. I walk around with a cane, sometimes with a slow and laboured gait. My hair is grey. I regularly talk in decades rather than years. I've found my self starting sentences with "Back in my day...". I've become more forgetful (if that was possible) and my mind just doesn't work as fast as it used to. Health problems are one of my favorite conversation topics, and if you want to you can see my scars.

I'm 32, but I often hear it said you're only as old as you feel. In which case, I'm really 78.

On my cigar walk this morning i realized two things. The first was that today is the last day of amnesty month at the library, I best be returning that last book today. I forgot the other thing I realized, but I have a feeling it was important.

I did notice that the trolls are out in reality, I saw a graffito of the URL to goatse along the bike trail up past Arlington Center.

My dad:

His surgery went fine and should be out in time to vote straight Republican. They are going to put the second stint in next Monday. Things are looking good and he appears very willing to give up cigarettes.

Me:

I do not have Behçet's disease (with about a 95% certainty). However, he was cautious about the" ulcerations" on my tongue and suggests that I get a biopsy after I get a teeth cleaning. He did not have a suggestion as to what they might be looking for with a biopsy. I've had the ulcerations on my tongue for as long as I can remember, the one dentist I asked said I must be biting my tongue in my sleep. I accepted that then, but now am questioning that assessment.

Of course, since the doctor I saw today is an Behçet's expert and outside my normal insurance it would make sense to attempt to find the care in-network. I'm not even sure if this is where I want to put my energy: if the weird tongue issues are not connected, I'd rather concentrate on the vertigo.

Sometimes, fleetingly, I think that I should like to live my life in chronological order. It would be simpler at the very least.

Other times I don't even notice that it's not in order.

Or that bits are missing.

Nothing's amiss until I look at it.

It's like a dream in that way. In fact, I'm not throughly convinced that it isn't one.

I have not met one person who is free from hypocrisy, and I will dare to say never will. Of course I, myself, am most definitely a hypocrite as well. I would note, however, that there are two flavors of hypocrisy: intentional and unintentional.

Unintentional hypocrisy is the hardest to avoid. As subjective beings we cannot truly judge ourselves, and therefore often will not always notice that we are sometimes guilty of the very things we rail against. We have no true mirror and therefore avoiding unintentional hypocrisy altogether is impossible. That does not mean that we should not work to minimize such hypocrisy, as it is a source of suffering for both us and those around us. Introspection and meditation can help reveal some of our own unintentional hypocrisy. The best we can do is a partial solution, but it is one worth striving toward.

Intentional hypocrisy, on the other hand, is more akin to lying. It is fully possible to avoid this sort of hypocrisy as it only takes discipline to do so. However, whether it is wise or best to always do so is another question entirely, the morals of which I'm not entirely interested in discussing in this post.

From a subjective point of view, it is often hard to tell if someone's hypocrisy is unintentional or intentional. We cannot know what another is thinking nor can we truly understand how their mind works. The hypocrite in question could be dissociating or otherwise forgetful of their own activities. Alternatively, what seems simple and obvious to you might not be as obvious to someone else. "Should know" does not intention make, although perhaps one could forge a middle-ground when the hypocrite in question is intentionally ignorant.

The easiest way to minimize hypocrisy is to call yourself out. To admit to your own failings as you would point them out in others. I attempt to do this, but again I am not perfect and I fail sometimes. Is this an excuse? No. It just is.

A graphical representation of what you think your soul would look like if it were an existing entity around your house.



My sister (ellynx) got me this oil lamp so long ago that i do not remember precisely when anymore. It's quite fragile and has been a lot of places and seen a lot of things. Most objects I owned back when I got this have been lost to the wind and much sturdier things had crumbled. It's had it's share of close calls, but somehow the winds not yet been able to break it.

I finally understand death and I am no longer afraid of it. Even though I have no reason to expect to die in the near future, the idea of not existing has disturbed me to some degree for as long as I can remember. The idea of reincarnation brought little solace, because if even if my "soul" would go on, my memories and my experiences wouldn't. That hardly seemed like a continued existence, I still felt as if I were facing the nothingness.

It took something from the Brihadaranyaka Upanishad for me to really understand the process of death and reincarnation:

When body and mind grow weak, the Self gathers in all the powers of life and descends with them into the heart. As prana leaves the eye, it ceases to see. "He is becoming one," say the wise; "he does not see. He is becoming one, he no longer speaks, or tastes, or smells, or thinks, or knows." By the light of the heart the Self leaves the body by one of its gates; and when he leaves, prana follows, and with it all the vital powers of the body. He who is dying merges in consciousness, and thus consciousness accompanies him when he departs, along with the impression of all he has done, experienced, and known. As a caterpillar, having come to the end of one blade of grass, draws itself together and reaches out for the next, so the Self, having come to the end of one life and dispelled all ignorance, gathers in his faculties and reaches out from the old body to a new. As a goldsmith fashions an old ornament into a new and more beautiful one, so the Self, having reached the end of the last life and dispelled all ignorance, makes for himself a new, more beautiful shape, like that of the devas or other celestial beings. The Self is indeed Brahman, but through ignorance people identify it with intellect, mind, sense, passions, and the elements of earth, water, air, space, and fire. This is why the Self is said to consist of this and that, and appears to be everything.

My fear of death was founded on my fear of letting go of my worldly memories, knowledge, and ideas. That somehow letting go of these things was letting go of me. But these things are not me. Letting go of these things is deconstruction. I've gone through deconstruction in life, why should I fear it in death? Why have I for so long clinged to the idea that I must be defined by what are essentially mortal things. Death is simply a change, a paradigm shift. There is nothing to fear in death, and I shall worry on it no longer.

I did this piece in the asylum a number of years ago, though I'm not sure exactly how many. It was done at Holy Family or on Cahill 3 or 4 or perhaps at Anna Jaques — I just don't remember. It's been quite a while and so much was going on then that the where and when has been lost in the clutter of my mind.

It was supposed to be a self portrait, but in my opinion it did not turn out looking recognizably like me.


Without Mask — oil pastels

i am worried
i am worried that i won't be able to stay above the waves
i am worried that i will be sucked back down
i do not want to go back to where i've been
i do not want to return to those roads
but i often feel the darkness closing in
there is much i am keeping inside right now
and telling no one at all
the world does not feel real
i am far behind the window eyes
i look out the window
and i hear the winds
the same winds that are always there
i do not know where i am going
but i do know that in the end the winds will come for me
i ask, what i am here for?
my eyes look upon what is before them
i note the what is right before i forget it
the demons are still with me
i do not think they will ever leave
i walk through the mud
and reach for the sky
i cannot take in these things
i am not a great person
i cannot make long sense of what is here
only in passing does it match
every angle changes
forever
no paradigm can stick
flux
change
eternally
nothing constant
i wander still here
i walk still here
i forget still here
what is coming must soon come to pass
i have trouble staying in the body now
more and more
i leave it behind
i am not going mad
i never left mad
soon the sky will be yellow and the grass blue
for reality never was where i am
adrift in a sea of dreams
always forgetting where i am
and never find the shore

The is a difference between knowing a thing and living through that knowledge. The difference is mindfulness. For instance, Sunday I was talking to my mom (myenergy) on the phone and didn't realize I should say "Happy birthday" until she said "Isn't there something you want to say to me.". It's not that I didn't know or had forgotten her birthday was February 5^th. I can recall that date from my mental database with ease. The problem was that I was not mindful that February 5^th was her birthday. The knowledge did not influence my thought and action when it should have.

Mindfulness is an important concept I'm become acquainted with. Much of my realizations have come by weaving together many things I have learned over my live so far. Many of these things were filed away in the dust recesses of my brain. But, through mindfulness, they can interact as they could not before, and have merged and grown . Through mindfulness they have changed me, they have given me hope and led me to a dawn I thought would never come. It never came, because I wasn't watching for it.

Learning is the eyes opening. Mindfulness is the eyes staying open. Learning without mindfulness has a place in business and scholastic pursuits. However it is ineffective as a spiritual tool and a tool of living.

forget the visions
they do not need to be remembered
for they are ingrained
a stain on parchment
forever there with or without
no new glance can take them back
no return policy on your life
refunds will not be given
sold as is

these "episodes" "dizzy spells" "seizures"
whatever the fuck they are to be called
they are being more defined now by when they aren't happening than when they are
i am not having good days
i am just barely making it
the razors, the pills, the trains
all seem more tempting
but tuesday is just 4 days away
promise and pessimism there meet
if he cannot help me
if he cannot say what is
then there will be no reason to believe this decent will not continue
but he may be able to give me a magic pill
a way out of this spiral
a salvation in a bottle

four days
live
die
hope
forget
breathe
release

i am of the mud and the barkdust
i wander with my walking stick
the wind whispers its secrets to those who would listen
tales of cities past and buried long ago
life to death and life again
our bones will make the soup of the future

look upon what cannot be and remember what never was
there is nothing here
only ghosts today, and echoes of silence to come

After spending three days with a camera trained on me, I can't shake the feeling I am being watched. I keep "remembering" that the camera is there, but it isn't. It's almost a paranoia, as I catch myself in a pose that would not be appropriate for the purposes of the EEG filming and jump slightly before I realize that it is unplugged, in the closet, and waiting to be returned on Monday. I wonder how long it will take me to get to a baseline unwatched state.

we are as immortal as the universe
as ancient as eternity
only from are incarnate forms do we see the illusion of the finite
this is the only place, because it is every place
again, as i wrote last night
we are in the middle of forever in the only place we will ever be
i watched the sun rise today
it appears as an awakening
but from what slumber?
has the world ever slept?
has the constant progression of cause and effect every paused?
cause and effect is thought
it is "if this then that"
a simple eternal program out of which all creation is melded
no computer is needed to run this program
it simply is because it must be
it must be simply because it can be
and it can be because it is possible
forget it all and begin again
ad infinitum
forever

see what is coming
forget what was then
the past is the future
the ears of the heavens are closed
we all walk alone
separated by the very nature by which we are connected
we are blind by design
we function as we were created to function
as we created ourselves to function
this world is our doing
we are all guilty and innocent
and we will all suffer in the end
for the pain is what comes for us
weeping will never stop
every lifetime leads to another
past, present and future are none of those things
we forget before we remember
cry out
cry out
and grab what joy can be had
we are in the middle of forever in the only place we will ever be
we will never leave, but always be arriving
we've done this uncountable times and will uncountable more
repetition and recursion are what we are made of
looped logic posing as thought, energy, and matter
become comfortable with not existing
no one ever has