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I'm leaving for Washington tomorrow (well, actually Arlington, Virginia) to visit my sister, brother-in-law, and niece. My mom is already there and are visits have been planned to overlap. As some of you might know, I've been vegetarian for 14 years but have been considering eating seafood for some time. There is a good chance that on this trip I will actually take the plunge. The prospect of ending 14 years of vegetarianism is a bit daunting, and I would be limiting my meat intake to sea-fairing non-cephalopod exotherms. I've gone over it again and again for years in my head, working out the logistics of my personal moral code, and I think I'm okay with it. | |||||||||||||||||
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hot| Meeting the Message | |||||||||||||||||
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In the United States, the Republicans often complain that sex scandals involving Democrats don't tend to have the same level of fallout as ones involving Republicans. In fact, sex scandals involving Democrats sometimes end up burning Republicans who make political hay out of it. Liberals, on the other hand, dislike the joy right wingers find in accusing the left of being intolerant of Christianity, even though many members of the right have no problem being intolerant of religions outside their own. Pro-abstinence Republicans are more vulnerable to sexual misconduct scandals because it directly contradicts their message of morality, liberals are far more vulnerable to accusations of intolerance because it contradicts their message. For the most part, the hardline right makes little claim of tolerance and the hardline left makes little claim of sexual chastity. The double standard in both of those cases is due to a general dislike of hypocrisy throughout the political spectrum. The message is: keep true to your message or adapt your message to what you really mean. | |||||||||||||||||
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calm| Indecent Books | |||||||||||||||||
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I obviously don't believe the Bible should be censored, but it will be interesting to see how this plays out. At the very least it might be a lesson to the pro-censorship faction of Christians that their own words and logic can be used against them. | |||||||||||||||||
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drained| Life and Choices | |||||||||||||||||
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The abortion debate is something I've wrestled with for some time. I've finally developed a philosophy surrounding it that I feel comfortable with. First, a fetus, embryo, or zygote is as a life. Period. It is not just a random clump of cells, it is a growing and developing life. Its dependence on another life does not make it any less of a life itself — all animal life is dependant on other life. More that that — a human fetus, human embryo, or human zygote is a human life. At this point, many of you might be assuming I'm pro-life. This is not the case, I am still pro-choice. Why? Because we still have the right to make choices about our bodies. The analogy I draw is this: Person X needs a kidney transplant or they will die. The only matching potential donor is Person Y. Person Y has the right to choose not to donate a kidney to Person X. There are plenty of reasons Person Y might choose not to donate their kidney, such as fear of medical complications, religious beliefs, or even worry about the impact having surgery could potentially have on their future productivity. While Person Y may or may not come to regret their decision themself, what Person Y chooses to do with their body is their choice and it is not for other's to judge their reasoning or morality in that regard. Essentially, a pregnant woman should not be required to sacrifice the control of her body in favor of another (in this case the unborn child). To do so is to deprive the woman of her rights to control her body. | |||||||||||||||||
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| Sentenced to Death by an Ethics Committee | |||||||||||||||||
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video from ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} existentialista:Emmie Rose died yesterday before her hearing could take place. Essentially, the hospital ethics committee decided the "ethical" course of action was to starve a baby to death. The state of Michigan will happily imprison the likes of Dr. Kevorkian, who assisted the suicides of people who wanted to die. However, a doctor deliberately killing a baby who's parents' want her to live is somehow legal? It is abhorrent. | |||||||||||||||||
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pissed off| On Hypocrisy | |||||||||||||||||
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I have not met one person who is free from hypocrisy, and I will dare to say never will. Of course I, myself, am most definitely a hypocrite as well. I would note, however, that there are two flavors of hypocrisy: intentional and unintentional. Unintentional hypocrisy is the hardest to avoid. As subjective beings we cannot truly judge ourselves, and therefore often will not always notice that we are sometimes guilty of the very things we rail against. We have no true mirror and therefore avoiding unintentional hypocrisy altogether is impossible. That does not mean that we should not work to minimize such hypocrisy, as it is a source of suffering for both us and those around us. Introspection and meditation can help reveal some of our own unintentional hypocrisy. The best we can do is a partial solution, but it is one worth striving toward. Intentional hypocrisy, on the other hand, is more akin to lying. It is fully possible to avoid this sort of hypocrisy as it only takes discipline to do so. However, whether it is wise or best to always do so is another question entirely, the morals of which I'm not entirely interested in discussing in this post. From a subjective point of view, it is often hard to tell if someone's hypocrisy is unintentional or intentional. We cannot know what another is thinking nor can we truly understand how their mind works. The hypocrite in question could be dissociating or otherwise forgetful of their own activities. Alternatively, what seems simple and obvious to you might not be as obvious to someone else. "Should know" does not intention make, although perhaps one could forge a middle-ground when the hypocrite in question is intentionally ignorant. The easiest way to minimize hypocrisy is to call yourself out. To admit to your own failings as you would point them out in others. I attempt to do this, but again I am not perfect and I fail sometimes. Is this an excuse? No. It just is. | |||||||||||||||||
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contemplative| Money and Happiness | |||||||||||||||||
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Money can't buy happiness. This is true. However, it can eliminate a lot of the causes of stress and sadness. Yes, the rich suffer too, money affords more opportunities to alleviate that suffering. Money can rid one of having to worry about unstable housing or the affordability of food and medicine. A trip to the emergency room doesn't decimate the finances of the well-off, and if one has wealth one has the luxury of being able to prepare an emergency fund for any unforeseen blip in their cash flow. Pervasive in this culture a perception is that wealth = good; and motivated, hard-working people will end up rewarded. The reality is that wealth has a lot more to do with luck than it does anything else. Yes, there is work involved, but the idea that the $400 million CEO works harder than the day labourer is ridiculous. If the labourer ends up in a nasty car wreck and falls into utter financial ruin, it is perceived as their fault and that they deserve their fate. The CEO who screws up often still makes off with millions in severance. The simple act of making money may not be evil in and of itself, but neither is it a virtue. There is no inherent dignity in wealth. The past clings too hard to the future, and we still live with the age-old stench of poverty = moral inferiority. The rich have their money because they are the best stewards of it. The poor wouldn't know what to do with it and would simply squander it. When the rich get richer, everyone will benefit as those on top unzip their flies and trickle down on the unworthy beneath them. Bullshit. | |||||||||||||||||
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I hear time and time again the Islam is the religion of violence. Islam is the religion that endangers the world. The only reason the fundamentalist Christians have not resorted to terrorism more then they have (and, yes there have been plenty of terrorist attacks by fundamentalist Christians) is that they often have access to more "acceptable" avenues to pursue their agenda, as carpet bombing civilian populations with white phosphorus is deemed more acceptable than a suicide attack. If fundamentalist Christians lose their political prestige you can expect a series of terrorist attacks from their ranks. "Last Days Crusade" would be a likely organizational name. I'm not saying all Christian are violent, the same as not all Muslims are violent. What I am saying is that Christianity holds no moral high ground over Islam. Both have factions that want to kill all the infidels. Fundamentalism is the problem, not any particular religion. | |||||||||||||||||
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| Demon Eyes | |||||||||||||||||
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Last night I had a bit of a breakdown. But, because of that breakdown I learned about something I've been trying to figure out for some time now: the nature of evil. Again, the answer has always been right in front of me, but I never really looked to see it: Evil is in the demon eyes. To look through demon eyes is to look at the universe or the world or the that which is within the world with utter despisement, contempt, and hate. I've worn demon eyes, and I would venture to say that every person has seen the world through them at one point or another. Looking through demon eyes feels very very good. The world seems dark and one seem above it all. It aggrandizes the ego, providing an amazing powertrip, frees one from bindings of morality and love, and can even allow one to see themselves as righteous in these things. There is a revelry in evil, and one can become addicted to that revelry. By looking through demon one becomes a demon. Demon eyes allow people to knowingly do very harmful things for personal gain, and sometimes even to do harmful things to simply be harmful. The demon eyes are very dangerous, and they are the root of the much, if not most, of the human-caused suffering in the world. The Demon sees the world as ugly and works to make it so. Some people live the majority of their lives looking through demon eyes. It is an addiction. It is heroin of the soul, and eventually turns the barer into a bitter jaded junky, a demons in the machine. Demons are real. They are all around us. They are human, and they are us. | |||||||||||||||||
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cold| Talk versus Action | |||||||||||||||||
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People often get the wrong impression about me and drugs, and this is for the most part my fault. I talk about drugs a lot. They fascinate me. I'm very very interested in them. But with the amount of talking and writing I do about them, many people walk away thinking that I am shoveling these things into my mouth 24/7. I am not. Drugs interest me as a topic a lot more than they interest me as an activity. I don't make a huge effort to constantly seek them out. I do not feel the need to cultivate a steady supply and have them consistently on hand. I don't want to live my live on any psychoactive drug. Period. That goes equally for acid, marijuana, prozac, alcohol, and geodon. I do not view those who desire to do drugs all the time as inherently inferior in any way to those who don't. I do not dismiss that as a valid lifestyle choice. Even if I had a issue with it, it is not be my place to judge the personal decisions adults make regarding to their own bodies and minds. I, however, tend prefer to be in my natural state the majority of the time. That decision may not be the most healthy for me as my mind has been a very bad place, but deep inside I believe that that bad place is something that I have to learn to deal with directly if I'm going to live. | |||||||||||||||||
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sleepy| Truth, Logic, and Morals | |||||||||||||||||
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I saw my therapist today. I was honest and I didn't get sent in. I told her about the cutting. I even let her know I was having deep suicidal thoughts and told her my plan. She was concerned and asked if I needed to be in the hospital. I told her that I didn't want to go, and that was enough. On talking about my ophthalmologist, I talked about some of the visual processing mindware I'm running. She told me she couldn't understand what I was saying and that I am having "disorganized thinking". I think she just simply didn't understand what I was saying, which says more about her thinking not mine. She suggested I immediately get on medication. I'm willing to try certain medications, but I have a host of medication I will not take including antipsychotics and Paxil. She set me up with an appointment with a psychiatrist. I'll have to be more careful talking to the psychiatrist, as I doubt she'll be as friendly about locking me up as my therapist was. The more and more I deal with my therapist, the more and more I find that she's loathe to do impose involuntary things on patients, which is good. I have a reflex to hide stuff because of past therapists, but after today I feel I can be honest with her without fear of repercussions. Being trusting is a dangerous thing. Today it paid off, but tomorrow it may bite me in the ass again as it has so many times before. ----- There is something I did not bring up, however. Weighing heavy on my mind is an issue to do with someone I have recently come to know and care about. I don't know how to help them, or if I should help them. I'm afraid because my judgement is bad. They are in a very precarious situation, and to help them may be to hurt them. But to not help them may be also to hurt them. The conflict causes me a deep moral conflict that paralyses my brain whenever I think about it. The problems with the mental conflict are so great, I am unable to get myself to call my friend and I don't know how to resolve the situation. I don't want them to think I don't like or care about them. I have in essence abandoned them, and because of that I know I am bad. I try to be good, but I fail at that. I always fail at that. No matter what I try to do in any situation, I am and will always be wrong. | |||||||||||||||||
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| Adventures of Yesterday | |||||||||||||||||
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When I arrived home from the asylum, I found a letter stating that I had yet another overdraft charge. I seem to be utterly incapable of keeping track of my balance and the $25 fees add up. I decided that I should just cash my SSDI check instead of depositing it and handle things in cash. I headed out to Arlington center, and only fell once on my way there and was able to get up quickly. I did end up sitting on a bench for 15 minutes shortly thereafter waiting to regain my coordination. My first stop was Leader Bank. There I was told that since they are not publicly traded they are exempt from being required to cash treasury department checks for non-customers. No luck. I went on to Bank of America. There I was told as a non-customer I had to have two forms of identification for them to cash the check. I only had my licence with me. Strike two. I decided to try my luck at Cambridge Savings Bank. I knew my account was negative there, but I hoped they would cash my with just one form of identification anyway. The teller told me the system wouldn't let her do it because my account was overdrawn. I asked by how much, and it was only $3.76. Aparently I had a little over $20 in the account when the overdraft fee hit. Seeing as the amount was so small, I told her to take the $3.76 out of the check, cash my check as a customer with one form of identification, then close my account. She did, and I'm now done with banks (except what will be my monthly trip to cash my check). ----- purpleglitter drove me to my therapy appointment at 5:15. I signed in at the front desk and waited. 5:30, no therapist. The receptionist paged her. 5:45, no therapist. The receptionist paged her again, then noted that my appointment time was actually at 6:00 and not my normal time, and that's probably why my therapist wasn't responding. I had things to do, so I just left.----- purpleglitter dropped me off at the corner and went up to her house to bake merryperseis's birthday cake. I fell heading from the corner to my house, spilling my Monster. Several people asked if I was okay, but no one called anyone on me. I got back in the house and ended up lying in bed for some stupid reason and fell asleep. I drifted in and out of sleep and seizure for a couple hours, having nasty dreams that everything was getting worse and that I was being locked away forever. Finally, merryperseis came into my room and helped me out of bed. I ended up falling on the floor in the hall and sat there until I felt balanced enough to go down the stairs.----- recoiling, purpleglitter, and iamacliche were downstairs and we had quite a wonderful time celebrating the anniversary of merryperseis's birth. Towards 1:00 I started feeling very twitchy again, and couldn't really get up from the couch. All the non-residents of the ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} house_of_clocks had left, and merryperseis had to go to purpleglitter's apartment and pick up my meds, my Metamucil cookies, and mazzycat's tuna for me. I was planning on just crashing on the couch, but did eventually make it up to my room and to sleep.----- Everyday is an adventure nowadays. Some moments I feel so elated I could fly, others I feel suicidal hopelessness, and others I'm simply on the ground. I have some very difficult moral choices to make. The kind where there is no good choice and I must find the one that is least wrong. Another day today. Another day again. Days just seem to come one after another these days. | |||||||||||||||||
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