I woke up energetic and optimistic, but at this point I've completely lost all motivation to do anything today.

Here I go yet again. Project Five starts tomorrow.

Three reasonable meals a day. Two healthy snacks. And, no junk food.

No more, no less.

30 minutes of exercise a day.

More of that is okay.

Not being 100% successful is okay, but strive to succeed as many days as possible. Pretty simple, only one ingredient needed: willpower.

I saw my therapist yesterday. I still don't know the point of going, but I still keep going. I have an appointment next Monday. I'm quite ambivalent about it, but I'll probably go anyway. My therapist wants me to keep going, but also wants me to find my own reason to keep going. I am not motivated to search a reason to continue therapy, as I don't really believe that I would find one. Perhaps, if she thinks I should keep going then she should find a reason for me to do so. I feel the whole endeavour is a waste of resources.

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Today, zarthon is taking me to see my primary care nurse. Hopefully she'll give me the referral I want. At the very least, I'll get a flu shot.

After that, purpleglitter and I will be meeting riga_mortia at the Diesel Café. bathofblood may or may not be there.

riga_mortia wants me to go with her and possibly panda_cookie and/or bathofblood to mute_halo's grave tomorrow. I don't think I am physically up to it right now, considering the frequency and severity of the vertigo episodes I've had lately. Even if I was physically able, I think seeing Rob might be something I want to do on my own.

I was quite productive yesterday, well more productive than average for me at least. In addition to my daily chores (animal care and cooking), I reglued the twine on my staff, I did a much needed load of laundry, and did an good hour of cleaning the downstairs of the house_of_clocks with recoiling.

Yeah, it's kind of pathetic what I consider a good and productive day. But, I want to surf this wave and see if it builds. After Skye's vet appointment at 3pm, I want to do some more cleaning at the house_of_clocks and do some crafting. Perhaps I'm on the verge of at least getting my surroundings and activities in order. I've been on this precipice for a long time, so I'm not going to get to carried away with optimism.

I've moved the blue dresser back into place, and put the nightstand where it is to go. I've gotten all the pieces furniture in place that will store and hold other items, so I can now begin organizing in earnest. I've also set up a different, hopefully functioning, UPS unit for Severus.

I need to keep this momentum. Keep moving.

I did a nice bit of tiding up downstairs, very much in zombie mode. I am not done, but I can do no more tonight. I accomplished enough so the task tomorrow will not seem insurmountable, which is important if I'm going to motivate myself to actually do it. Taking on too large of a task tends to paralyse me these days, while years ago it would invigorate me. I need to catch that wind again.

I want to have a yard sale sometime in April. I have the perfect location, right on a busy street. I need to clean out my closets first and see what I have that I can actually sell. Hopefully this could provide a much needed cash infusion.

Will this actually happen? I don't know. Maintaining motivation is always an issue, and is something I need to very much work on. Many attempts at projects such as a yard sale end up falling away and becoming forgotten. I need to work on follow through. I need to work on not giving up. I need to keep moving.

Unfortunately, these things are easier said than done. My words are cheap, I must develop the discipline and the modes of action needed to make my words a reality.

Woke up this morning very motivated to be successful at Project Schedule today.

I did my hour of prayer and meditation. Spent the first half hour in my room. Sat on a bench by Spy Pond for the second half hour. Spy Pond is a great way to meditate and reflect, I will likely be spending much more time there in the future. After my meditations at Spy Pond, I returned to the house_of_clocks with a feeling of wonder and peace.

I had planned to do my music practice today on my keyboard, but when I sat down I remembered that the power adapter was not working. My viola was at Lake's apartment and I have lost my key to her place, so I didn't end up practicing at all. I did some minor cleaning in my room, but only a small dent in what needs to be done.

I did get in my reading hour properly, so the only thing I missed today was music practice. If I can couple the motivation I had today with better coordination tomorrow, I will be on the road to accomplishing the goal of Project Schedule.

My New Year's resolution for 2006 is to practice the viola for a minimum of 30 minutes a day. I am very excited about learning a new instrument, and hopefully my resolution will give me the motivational kick-off to get it done.

I did some data entry for purpleglitter. Entered half the items and will do the other half in the morning.

I've gotten Severus running again, and it's playing music for the first time in a long time. The problem now is that the cord I was using to hook my computer up to the router has died and I don't have a replacement and I won't have any money to buy a replacement until I get my check which comes Friday. So until then I still have no internet in my room.

dalious picked up a wireless router a while ago, and I plan on installing it the next time I have a chance, which will involve dragging Severus into merryperseis's room and setting it up there for the installation process. I also need to get a wireless card before I myself can benefit from it's installation.

I don't know anything about securing a wireless signal, as I've never actually dealt with setting up a wireless LAN. I'm hoping I can guess my way through it, but I can't estimate how much time it will take me.

I feel wonderful right now. I'm actually getting things done. I haven't really doing anything in months. I feel a change. A shift. A movement out of my rut. My motivation is back and I want to keep it.

Severus is currently out of commission. It has been for the last few days. I need to hard reinstall Windows XP or install Linux. I'm haven't been really motivated to do either as depression really saps motivation. I'm leaning towards Windows XP, simply because I have only limited experience with Linux, and don't think I'll have the energy to set up something I'm not used to the workings of. Hopefully I'll soon find the motivation to fix it, as not having internet access in my room sucks.

I missed my appointment with my primary care doctor again yesterday. It's rescheduled for August 9th. I really need to see her soon. I think my nervousness about seeing her and about all the financial issues that surround it with Mount Auburn factor highly into my inability to make my appointments. I absolutely need to make sure that I make it in next time. But sometimes that isn't enough.

I did make it to my therapy appointment. I hadn't seen my therapist in three weeks. I was feeling completely out of it. I wasn't really able to keep eye contact while I was talking. Staring at the wall and floor, but never really looking at her. That is actually a problem I have had in the past, but really hasn't surfaced recently. She was not familiar with me acting that way, and was therefore a little concerned.

She told me not to do heroin, which wasn't surprising. I told her how blissful heroin is. How it makes all the pain go away, physical and mental. How it is pure and wonderful. But, that so far all I've had are ideations about doing it. I haven't really had much in the way of motivation. Still, she warned me that recovery from heroin is hard. She said that she'd met several people on methadone, and life was no longer blissful for them. I told her that part of the idea was that I wouldn't recover. I see it as a sort of quazisuicidal act. She asked me to tell her when I've given up and it's all over, which I guess is fair.

She wants me to go back on medication. At least antidepressants. I personally think that my depression in large part is caused by my anxiety, which would make something for anxiety more helpful. Of course she was not going to recommend benzos after the big heroin discussion. However, she is not the person who would be prescribing the medication. I will have a (hopefully new) pdoc to do that. I just need to keep the heroin discussion away from them. Benzos are tricky to get, regardless. Psychiatrists are reluctant to give them out if you ask for them, but will give you insane amounts if you don't.

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It's early. I'm going to head over to my house and try to get some cleaning in before the day heats up too much.

I have been posting simi-regularly again, but I haven't been posting much about what's been going on in my life. So here goes.

I still get twitchy and panicky sometimes, but not near as often as I did last year, which is not near as often as the year before that. So I'm continuing on the path of improvement. I'm still going to therapy, but I'm not sure the aim of it at this point. It's nice to talk about what's going on in my life to an quasi-objective outsider, but there seems to be no direction. A good part of the reason there is no direction is me. I'm not entirely sure where I want to take my life at this point.

I am near or at the point where I could conceivablely work a job again. A steady job would help me incredibly financially. The disability checks are just barely enough to get by on, and leave scant left over for much else. A job would also help me structure my day, my days now drift by in a random fashion with little rhyme or reason.

However, I am extremely discouraged about my chances of actually getting a job, and if I do get one, my chances of keeping it. The job market sucks right now, which is very discouraging, as is the fact that I'd be applying with marks against me. Being a out transsexual carries a lot of discrimination, which I experienced to a very high degree when I was in the job market before. I had a very difficult time finding a jobs, and when I eventually did find jobs they usually paid far less than I should have been making for the work I was doing. Far less than most non-trans folk in a similar profession and at a similar skill level would accept. I fear that the coupling of the discrimination with the fact that I've been out of work for almost 5 years will be a death sentence for my job hunt. The gap in my job history gives employers an easy and valid excuse not to hire me if they are at all uncomfortable with my gender identity.

And after I've gotten a job, it is possible that some symptoms may become problematic again. If I am unable to keep the job, I'll be in a far worse position than if I never tried. By getting a job and failing I will be left with no job and no disability or medical coverage. I could quickly end up on the street, a possibility that seems far to real to me seeing I've been there before.

As an effect of how I view the chips being stacked heavily against me in the job market, I am very dubious about even trying. And the discouragement and resentment I feel from the situation leads me to seek out other reasons the job market isn't where I want to go. Do I really want to end up working at a job whose sole purpose is to make some fat cat a little richer? To line someone random person's pockets? Do I want to go back to facing the annoying issues that generally come up in a work environment strewn with a ton of assholes. I've virtually locked most bigots and right-wing nuts out of my life, do I really want to go back to interacting with them? All in all how can I view it as worth it to fight very hard for something that is going to suck anyway? Money isn't enough of a motivation. Survival would be, but through disability my survival isn't nearly as impaired as it would be with a failed job experiment.

If I'm not going to get a job, I must figure out what I want to do with my life. I want to accomplish something, I just have to accept that it won't be in the traditional definitions of success. Being successful could be simply improving the lives of those around me, which I do to a degree, but I could be doing more. It could also mean participating in political actions, to improve the world in general. Creative work that inspires and touches others is also a valid form of success. Doing volunteer work that helps the local community would also be valid. One thing prevents me from achieving any of these successes in large quantity is something that I can work on: day structure. I need to plan out my day and add regularity to important routines. This is within my reach, I am in a position to move. I have given myself time to orient myself to my new world since I have gotten off my psych meds, and now that I am more familiar with the new landscape it is time to make my move. I need help to do this. I still have the tendency to drift, and I'll need those around me to help me focus. To occasionally ask me "what have you accomplished today"? Help me keep my eye on the prize. With the support of my friends and some difficult changes on my part, I could become a better, more successful person.

'Tis the set of sails and not the gales Which tells us the way to go.      -- Ella Wheeler Wilcox

I need to set my sails.

i haven't been posting much that i've been up to
i guess i'll make that up now
last weekend i planned to go to a party and a samhain rite
i had big fun at the party on Saturday
but i didn't make it to the rite on Sunday
i wasn't feeling up to it
i haven't been feeling up to much actually
i'm a shadow of the social butterfly i used to be
i need to get out more
but before that i need to get stable
and drinking tonight isn't helping
i feel less stable
and i feel ill as alcohol makes my stomach problems worse
but i'm drinking anyway
because bush won and we're all fucked
might as well fuck myself
i need to change direction
the direction i'm in is right into the dirt
it might not seem that i'm doing that badly
but i am
outwardly i'm doing better than i have in years
but inside i'm being torn up
for no good reason, it just feels like my mind is being ripped apart
"disordered thinking" as my therapist would say
i need to get motivated to change
i've always had a problem with motivation
stress and deadlines used to be the way i'd cope with that lack
i'd thrive on stress
now i just curl up under stress
i'm going to take another drink, lay down, and try not to vomit
ha! that's a good one
vomiting is what got me into this stomach mess in the first place
i used to make myself vomit
now i do it involunarily
fun fun
bulimia is evil
i wish i never went down that road
i've lived to regret it very much
i wish i could have a drink without feeling ill
i want to say it's not fair, but i did it to myself
it is fair
i just hate it

I find myself often wearing ripped clothing nowadays. Tattered robes, blouses, and dresses. All falling apart. I could sew them up. But I'm not motivated to. I feel a bit tattered myself right now. I like the look. It feels like me. Worn, but still alive.

i need to lose weight
all this smoking pot isn't helping
i'm binge eating
but i'm not purging
i guess that is better than binging and purging
but it is still an issue

i still don't have a scale, so i don't know how much i weigh
but i'm guessing 230lbs
maybe more
i don't know
i keep gaining

the biggest step is cutting out junk food
i've said this before
if i just cut out junk food, my weight would probably at least level off.
i need to swear off junk food
bye bye chips
bye bye candy
i'll be healthier
i shouldn't be eating all the junk food i do, even if weight wasn't an issue
the problem is walgreens is right next door
it's so easy to just pop in there and get a bag of chips or some candy
and it's especially tempting because there is always something on sale
and a sale is an excuse
i'm saving money aren't i?

i need to get myself under control
i need to control at least one thing in my life
and weight seems like a good target
i just have to beware slipping back into eating disorder territory
i don't want to start purging again
i don't want to be as thin as i was
i'm thinking around 160lbs was where i liked my weight
130lbs (where i got to) was way too low
however, that means i need to lose around 70lbs
that's a lot of weight
i think i can do it
i think i can do it in a healthy way
but i have to get motivated
take things slow
but it is time to take the first step:
no more junk food

this is the first of many stream of consciousness posts i plan for tonight
i hope to embark on a journey of self discovery through writing
at worst i'm going to have a good time
if i don't discover anything i'm okay with that
that may just be the e talking
but i'm not that motivated to look
but i know i should
i should inspect things
i'm thinking it was a mistake doing this without purpleglitter
she knows how to talk to me
how to draw me out
she could guide me through this
i just couldn't wait
i miss her right now
i wish she was here with me
the smiths always make me think of lake
because she used to "swear by the smiths and the cure"
i could always tell she was telling the truth if she did that
i wish she was sharing this with me

My website is outdated. it needs to be completely overhauled. i haven't done anything with it in years. I really should update it. I'm thinking of getting rid of the Transgurl section all together. The section never really met it's true potential, and I'm a little embarrassed by it's poor quality.

I'm just not motivated to work on my site though. I need a new idea to get me going. Maybe I'll get some help from purpleglitter after she finishes the Francesca Lia Block shrine. I know my way around web design, but purpleglitter is a genius at it. Something must be done with my site. By the end of the summer I want something I can be proud of.

After Lake and I finished watching the Sopranos tape, we found the front door slightly ajar. We closed it. A little while later Bebe knocks to get in.

Bebe is accompanied by two police officers. Bebe has an obvious shiner. I ask what's going on and one of the officers answers, "Beverly punched Bebe."

I was shocked. I thought Bebe was trying to pull some trick to get back at me for saying she only had a week left. I answered, "I'm Beverly, I didn't punch anyone."

The officer then explained that it was her ex-boyfriend who punched her with the last name of Beverly. I was relieved, but worried about Bebe.

Apparently Bebe has a restraining order on this fellow. However, her story that was talked about in front of the police of how the incident happened makes little sense to me.

She says she was punched around 10:00 in her room. However, I've been here almost all day, and the 15 minutes I wasn't here, Lake was. Neither of us heard an altercation. I find it hard to believe the whole thing happened in silence, as violent men are rarely silent. We never even heard anyone's voice other than Bebe's in the apartment. No one came and knocked on the door, and from as much as I could tell, Bebe spent the majority of the day passed out in her room.

I find it hard to believe that she could even explain how to get here to someone. She doesn't remember the address when asked.

I also don't understand why it took her over two hours to contact the police. And how did the ex-boyfriend find the place? Did she come with him, if so, when. I can't figure out a time span that we didn't know she was passed out in her room that she could have gone out, met someone, and come back

I know she was punched. But, something is fishy with her version of events. I hate to say it, but at this point I find it hard to believe her. I don't understand what her motivation would be for lying, but I can think of several possibilities. She might have went to his place and it just looks better from the restraining order point of view for it to have happened here, she could be trying to get us to pity her so we don't kick her out, or she might have been doing something that she doesn't want anybody to know about when it happened. Or, maybe there's an explanation for the inconstancies.

I want to believe her. I feel bad that I don't. The problem is she's really made her own bed as far as me believing that what she says is the truth. She said she is completely asexual when we interviewed her, four days ago she was telling me how she was able to get "20 men a night". She said she doesn't drink when we interviewed her, she's a raging alcoholic. She steals (at the very least) juice and alcohol from us, even taking it out of our rooms, and lies about it. Nothing as serious as this, but she just seems to have an ulterior motive to everything she says.

I look around the playroom and see a cluttered mess. Being that the playroom is where I spend most of my time it's rather depressing. I think the playroom is an instrument of the cycle of depression. I am depressed, so I don't clean it. It is hopelessly messy so I get more depressed.

I think the mess and disorder of the room is symbolic of the mess and disorder of our mind. If I can motivate myself and actually clean the room, maybe that will help me symbolically clean up some of the disorder of my life.