purpleglitter asked me to make one of my photographs from yesterday's set into a desktop wallpaper for her. I figured I'd go ahead and post it in case anyone else wanted it. I may go through and do the same to other photographs.



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I've been to Mount Auburn Cemetery twice this weekend. Yesterday, I went with Ila. We walked up the winding paths and climbed to the top of the tower. The sky was overcast, which served to deepen the reds, gold and purple that extended to the horizon in one directions and to the Boston skyline in the other.

Today, Skye had her bi-weekly lupron shot. After the shot, purpleglitter and I took her to Mount Auburn. This time we drove to the tower, and I walked Skye to the top. Today was sunny and bright and Skye was treated to what some have called the best view on the continent. She loved every minute of it up there. Skye in the sky.

This has been a weekend of many good happenings. invalid_userid came down from Maine to visit. She arrived Friday and we watched Doggie Poo that evening. Her, purpleglitter and I all went up to Mount Auburn Cemetery for photos and good seeings yesterday before the rains came and we spent today doing various fun hoppings around.

Also very exciting is that recoiling moved into the house_of_clocks this weekend. She is one of the most wonderfully awesome people I know and I think this is the dawning of a new era.

again, i have found myself unable to write
again, i will break the spell with a stream of consciousness post
so if you dislike stream of consciousness posts you can quit now

i got back from missouri on sunday
i had a wonderful trip
saw family and friends i haven't seen in a long time
and got to meet my nephew jonas
he's so happy and loves to bounce
spending time with him convinced me that when i'm better i want to try to adopt a kid
i'm very happy for my brother and heather


photo by myenergy

i've noticed i've been taking more ativans lately
i don't like this
it's a very addictive drug
but my general mental state has been on a slight downward slope
my therapist is talking about my "thought disorder" again
she asked me if i got stuck in loops sometimes
and i do
she said that was a thought disorder symptom
scary, but could explain a lot of things
i want to do more research about this
and find out what can be done
i'm not entirely thrilled about my therapist's suggestion
she wants me to make an earlier appointment with my pdoc
and see if i can get her to up my geodon
i don't want more geodon
but if it will help i can accept that
the painful looping has gotten pretty bad lately
and if more geodon will make it go away then i'll take more
but i'm already on so much
how much more can i take?

on a brighter note,
purpleglitter and i went to mount auburn cemetery today
the fall colours were spectacular
we arrived late, so only got to stay a short while
(they close at 5)
but we had a great time and took many piccies
following is one i took



i'm starting to feel a bit twitchy right now
a sense of panic is building
i don't like it
ah, it's passing
sometimes it takes hours to pass
sometimes i just take benzos until i go to sleep
but this time it passed quickly
and i'm happy about that

i'm not used to staying up this late
i have been going to bed quite early lately
and i have to be up early tomorrow
so i should be getting to bed
so good night
and hopefully i'll be able to get myself back on a regular posting schedule

i've been up for about an hour and a half
early to bed, early to rise
i usually take two or three naps during the day
my meds make me tired
so i sleep more than i used to
i don't know about my sleep schedule
part of me likes being up so early in the morning
but another side of me likes being up late at night
unfortunately, unless one stays up all night, it's hard to have both

in 8 days i'll be boarding a plane for missouri
that's a day i'll have to be up in the morning
i need to get a new id before that
mine has expired
i'm worried about getting shit about that at the airport

i want to write at least one poem today
i haven't been writing near enough poetry lately
just haven't been too inspired
i need to go sit somewhere and just look and feel and write
they're doing work on the grounds around spy pond, so that isn't a good place to go right now
maybe i could head to the great meadow or mount auburn
or go people watching in harvard square or davis square
i've become too addicted to cut-ups as a creative inspiration
i need to branch out

i just walked to purpleglitter's house
the night air felt so refreshing
it was so wonderful to be outside
i want to spend more time outside
sitting at spy pond
exploring mount auburn
go back to the great meadow
i want to do all these things more

damp concrete steps
up the tower we climb
take flight off the top
over the graveyard gates
into the city we go
touch the ground
feel the tender moist earth
smell the recent rain
let it fill us
for we are of it
breath and let go

This is the only way I'm going to actually post, so i'm going to do it. Here we go. This is a post. I've been quite busy the past few days. invalid_userid came down to visit. We had many good conversations. I haven't seen her in 4 years. We had fun. Her, purpleglitter and I went to Mount Auburn Cemetery yesterday. Huge garden cemetery. Beautiful place. We actually got to go up to the top of the tower. It's usually closed. But yesterday we climbed. Wonderful. Now for something completely different. Yesterday I saw my urologist. (you see, I have certain rules I follow. One of those things is that a stream of consciousness post only closest of one paragraph(no returns(you can see i'm a programmer at heart: as i embed my parentheses.)), which makes it harder to segway) Back to the subject at hand, yesterday I saw my urologist. He stuck his finger up my butt and gave me antibiotics. he also told me to stay to no more than one caffeinated beverage a day. he threatened me that if I don't get better this time they're going to stick a scope up me. Oh, what fun that will be! Ugh. So I better get better and if that means sticking to one caffeinated beverage a day, I'll do it. That is all. Good.

purpleglitter drove me to my pdoc appointment, which I thought was at 10:30am, but turned out to be at 10:00am. Luckily, I arrived at 10:20am, and was able to at least get in a short session. She increased my Geodon by 20mg, so now I take 60mg in the evening and 40mg in the morning.

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After my appointment, purpleglitter drove me around Mount Auburn Cemetery. It was very rainy, so purpleglitter didn't want to get out of the car. After driving around a bit, the rain let up, and we walked up to the tower. The view of the Boston skyline over the multicolored trees and silent gravestones was breathtaking. The wind ripped past me as I stood on the precipice above the garden of the dead.

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After Mount Auburn Cemetery, purpleglitter took me to Punjab Food & Spices a.k.a. the Chai Café. She bought me a yummy Indian lunch, after which we enjoyed cigarettes together on the benches nearby.

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Last, but not least, purpleglitter's power is back on. Yay!