When I was little, we would visit my Aunt Leslie and Uncle Dizz. When we'd visit, I would always ride Thunder (the horse I'm riding in the picture below). They had another horse that they let us ride, but Thunder was my favorite

One time, my sister (ellynx) and I were riding Thunder bareback and she started to slip off. Panicking, she grabbed onto my shirt pulling me into the mud as well. But, when you fall off a horse it is best to get right back on. And that is just what we did.

I miss riding horses. I haven't done it in so long. Someday, maybe again.

i am worried
i am worried that i won't be able to stay above the waves
i am worried that i will be sucked back down
i do not want to go back to where i've been
i do not want to return to those roads
but i often feel the darkness closing in
there is much i am keeping inside right now
and telling no one at all
the world does not feel real
i am far behind the window eyes
i look out the window
and i hear the winds
the same winds that are always there
i do not know where i am going
but i do know that in the end the winds will come for me
i ask, what i am here for?
my eyes look upon what is before them
i note the what is right before i forget it
the demons are still with me
i do not think they will ever leave
i walk through the mud
and reach for the sky
i cannot take in these things
i am not a great person
i cannot make long sense of what is here
only in passing does it match
every angle changes
forever
no paradigm can stick
flux
change
eternally
nothing constant
i wander still here
i walk still here
i forget still here
what is coming must soon come to pass
i have trouble staying in the body now
more and more
i leave it behind
i am not going mad
i never left mad
soon the sky will be yellow and the grass blue
for reality never was where i am
adrift in a sea of dreams
always forgetting where i am
and never find the shore

i am of the mud and the barkdust
i wander with my walking stick
the wind whispers its secrets to those who would listen
tales of cities past and buried long ago
life to death and life again
our bones will make the soup of the future

look upon what cannot be and remember what never was
there is nothing here
only ghosts today, and echoes of silence to come

Walking back from Mass Convenience, I was accosted by a man who looked around 40 and seemed to be slightly inebriated yelling at me "You don't need a cane.". It is exactly attitudes like that that made me resist using a cane for so long. I realize that a good deal of the time I can walk perfectly fine without a cane. But during my episodes, which have been very frequent of late, it is very hard to walk and often very hard to simply stand. I have managed to stay off the ground a good many times because of my cane, and when I do end up on the ground the can helps me get back up. There are also many times where I am able to remain mobile with the help of the cane when without it I would be stuck. With balance and coordination so often issues, the cane has given me much more confidence when i go out, and I've been able to do a lot more since I've been using it. I DON"T WANT TO HAVE TO CARRY A CANE, BUT RIGHT NOW I DON"T SEE ANY OTHER CHOICE.

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I did manage to do some work on my new cane today, as the cracks in my old one are getting larger and it is only a matter of time before it snaps. I would like to stop using it BEFORE that happens, as I rather like it and would like to keep it around in one piece even if I no longer use it. I sawed off the excess length pealed off the easily removable bark. Most of the bark was not easily taken off, and I began sanding. I don't have enough sand paper to finish the job, and even after I pick some up the sanding will probably be several days work as I can only sustain a small periods of vigorous activity these days. There is some rot underneath the bark and I found a strange bug that I did not recognise under the bark that I was able to pry off, but that those things should not be surprising as the branch was lying on the soft earth by Spy Pond for who knows how long. But, it is sturdy and despite its flaws I still believe it will make a fine cane.

purpleglitter and I sat down to write a poem together. We each took turns writing a line or two. This is what we came up with:

Salamanders alcoholic salamanders crawling up my spine you might not like the sound of that but the feeling's quite divine they come up from the frothy mud the babes no bigger than a bud their tongues are soft their feet are wet ooh, how sexy can it get? the creatures squirm in mass lay their grease upon my knees, betwixt my thighs oh! what a tease! upon the moss i lay to sleep 'neith the boughs and manders leap i hope to wake among my friends, greeted by their salacious grins

damp concrete steps
up the tower we climb
take flight off the top
over the graveyard gates
into the city we go
touch the ground
feel the tender moist earth
smell the recent rain
let it fill us
for we are of it
breath and let go

A week ago, I found a book in my closet that I had never seen before. Printed in 1884, it is entitled The Universal Household Assistant or What Every One Should Know. It's "a cyclopedia of practical information" and has subjects listed in alphabetical order. Following are some of my favorite entries:

Cancer — cure. — Take the blossoms of red clover and make tea of them, and drink freely. It will cure cancer in the stomach as well as on the surface.    Choking — ways to relieve. — Do not lose an instant. Force the mouth open with the handle of a knife or of a long spoon; push the thumb and fingers deep down into the throat beyond the root of the tongue, and feel for the foreign body. If the obstruction cannot be grasped, a hair pin bent into a hook and guided by the left hand will often bring it out. If this fails, get someone to press against the front of the chest or support it against the edge of a table, and strike several hard, quick blows with open hand on the back between the shoulder blades. Further treatment must be applied by a physician, who should have been immediately sent for    2. To prevent choking, break an egg into a cup and give it to the person choking, to swallow. The white of the egg seems to catch around the obstacle and remove it. If one egg does not answer the purpose, try another. The white is all that is necessary.    3. A smart blow with the flat of the hand on the back just below the neck will often relieve the windpipe. If it does not, send for the doctor at once.    4. Foreign bodies lodged in the throat can be removed by forcibly blowing into the ear. The plan is so easily tried and so harmless that we suggest its use.    Dentists' Nerve Paste. — 1. Arsenic, one part; rose pink, two parts. To destroy the nerve apply this preparation on a pledget of cotton, previously moistened with creosote, to the cavity of the tooth, let it remain four hours, then wash out thoroughly with water.    2. Arsenous acid, thirty grains; acetate of morphia, twenty grains; creosote, quantity sufficient for paste. Mix.    Embalming — new method of. — Mix together five pounds dry sulphate of alumine, one quart of warm water, and one hundred grains arsenious acid. Inject three or four quarts of this mixture into all the vessels of the human body. This applies as well to all animals, birds, fishes, etc. This process supercedes the old and revolting mode, and has been introduced into the great anatomical schools of Paris.    Guano — home-made. — Save all your fowl manure from sun and rain. To prepare it for use, spread a layer of dry swamp muck (the blacker it is the better) on your barn floor, and dump on it the whole of your fowl manure; beat it into a fine powder with the back of your spade; this done, add hard wood ashes and plaster of Paris, so that the compound shall be composed of the following proportions: Dried muck, four bushels; fowl manure, two bushels; ashes, one bushel; plaster, one and one-half bushels. Mix thoroughly, and spare no labor; for, in this matter, the effort expended will be well paid for. A little before planting, moisten the heap with water, or, better still, with urine; cover well over with old mats, and let it lie till wanted for use. Apply it to beans, corn, or potatoes, at the rate of a handful to a hill; and mix with the soil before dropping the seed. This will be found the best substitute for guano ever invented, and may be depended on for bringing great crops of turnips, corn, potatoes, etc.    Hysterics — cure for. — The fit may be prevented by the administration of thirty drops of laudanum, and as many of ether. When it has taken place open the windows, loosen the tight parts of the dress, sprinkle cold water on the face, etc. A glass of wine or cold water when the patient can swallow. Avoid excitement and tight lacing.    Mites in Cheese — to destroy. — 1. These are at all times better avoided than destroyed, for when they have become very numerous they do a great deal of damage in a short time. To avoid mites the best plan seems to be to leave the cheese exposed to the air, and to brush it occasionally; some prefer wrapping the cheese in a buttered paper, but the former plan, we think is the best. When mites have become very numerous, they may be killed by suspending the cheese by a piece of wire or string, and dipping it for a moment into a pail of boiling water. The boiling water will kill all the mites, and do no harm to the cheese unless it is left in too long.    2. Cheese kept in a cool larder or cellar, with a cloth rung out of clean, cold water constantly upon it, will never have mites in it, or if it has, this will soon destroy them, and also greatly improve the cheese, keeping it always moist.    Nitrous Oxide, or Laughing Gas. — Take two or three ounces of nitrate of ammonia in crystals and put it into a retort, taking care that the heat does not exceed five hundred degrees; when the crystals begin to melt, the gas will be produced in considerable quantities. The gas may be also produced, though not so pure, by pouring nitric acid, diluted with five or six times it [sic] weight of water, on copper fillings or small pieced of tin. The gas is given out till the acid begins to turn brown; the process must then be stopped.    Opium and its Uses. — Opium is a stimulant, narcotic, and anodyne. Used externally, it acts almost as well as when taken into the stomach, and without affecting the head of causing nausea. Applied to irritable ulcers in the form of tincture, it promotes their cure and allays pain. Clothes dipped in a strong solution, and applied over painful bruises, tumors, or inflamed joints, allays pain. A small piece of solid opium stuffed into a hollow tooth relieves toothache. Two drops of the wine of opium dropped into the eye acts as an excellent stimulant in bloodshot eye, or after long-continued inflammation, it is useful in strengthening the eye. Applied as a liniment, in combination with ammonia or oil, or with camphorated spirit, it relieves muscular pain. When combined with oil of turpentine, it is useful as a liniment in spasmodic colic. Used internally, it acts as a very powerful stimulant, then as a sedative, and finally as an anodyne and narcotic, allaying pain in the most extraordinary manner, by acting directly upon the nervous system.    In acute rheumatism it is a most excellent medicine, when combined with calomel and tartarate of antimony; but its exhibition requires the judicious care of a medical man.    Doses of the various preparations. — Confection of opium, from five grains to half a dram; extract of opium, from one to five grains (this is a valuable form, as it does not produce so much after-derangement of the nervous system as solid opium); pills of soap and opium, from five to ten grains; compound ipecacuanha powder (Dover's powders), from five to twenty grains, compound kino powder, from five to twenty grains; wine of opium, from ten minim to one dram.    Caution. — Opium is a powerful poison when taken in too large a quantity, and therefore should be used with extreme caution.    Sealing-wax (Red). — Shellac (very pale), four ounces; cautiously melt in a bright copper pan over a clear charcoal fire; when fused, add Venice turpentine, one and one-fourth ounces. Mix, and further add vermilion, three ounces; remove the pan from the fire, and pour into a mold. For a black color, use ivory black, or lampblack, instead of the vermilion; for a blue color, use Prussian blue, instead of vermilion, same quantity. Each color must be well mixed with the composition; of the lampblack, use only sufficient to color.    Small-pox — cure for. — A physician writes: I am willing to risk my reputation as a public man, if the worst case of small-pox cannot be cured in three days simply by cream of tartar. This is a never-failing remedy: One ounce of cream of tartar, dissolved in one pint of boiling water, to be taken when cold. Dose, two tablespoonfuls every two hours. It is also a preventive; dose, as before, three times a day. It has cured thousands, never leaves a mark, never causes blindness, and avoids tedious lingering.    Soup for Invalids. — Raw beef, on account of its ready digestibility, is often prescribed for invalids. Of late, European physicians have found the use of what we may call raw soup of great utility when given to patients much reduced by fevers. This soup, first proposed by Liebig, is made from finely chopped beef or fowl, recently killed. Half a pound of this meet [sic] is added to a pint and a half of distilled water (pure rain water, filtered, will answer), four drops of pure muriatic acid are added, and a teaspoonful of salt, or enough to suit the taste. After standing an hour, the whole is thrown upon a hair sieve (a flannel bag will do as well) to separate the liquid. If the first liquid which passes through is muddy, it is poured back into the strainer until what runs off is quite clear. When the liquid ceases to run, half a pint of water is added, in small quantities at a time, to the flesh in the strainer. The yield will be about a pint of a reddish colored liquid, tasting like soup, which is to be given cold, a cupful at a time, or in such quantities as the patient desires. It is claimed that this soup contains the nutritive principles of the meat not changed by heat, as they are in cooking, and that they are part ready digested by the muriatic acid, and that it is suited to the weakest digestive organs. If the red color and somewhat fleshy odor are objected to, the one may be disguised by caramel (burnt sugar) and the other by a little wine. The soup spoils readily, and in warm weather must be kept on ice.    Tape Worm. — To expel this parasite, take equal parts of tincture assafoetida and tincture absinthii, in teaspoonful doses, night and morning. No fasting is necessary.