rm wrote a post criticizing "unimaginative heteronormative romance novel crap" in Jack/Ianto fanfic in which she said:

"So, can we please stop writing fics that involve Jack cooing over how adorable Ianto is? or making him breakfast in bed? Or saying 'I love you' every two seconds?"

I had to go to photoshop. I posted the resulting image as a comment to rm's post, but purpleglitter tells me I should post it here as well. So here it is:

My "rough draft filter" would be better called my "draft filter" as the majority of drafts are not "rough", so I'm changing the name to reflect that. If any of you that aren't on it want to be on it, you can request to be added here.

Last night I saw zarthon the for the first time in about three weeks. We had dinner at Punjab, and afterwards hung out at purpleglitter's apartment. He gave me a large stuffed Togepi that Howard had recently given him to give away. Howard is apparently declutterfying and also was getting rid of two plates that featured Counselor Deanna Troi and Dr. Beverly Crusher. zarthon thought the Dr. Crusher plate would be perfect for me, but unfortunately it went to someone else.

Why would the Dr. Beverly Crusher plate be perfect for me? Because back in late 1992, when I choose my new name, I named myself "Beverly" after her. It was much better than what my friends at the time were suggesting, and I've been quite happy with it.

i'm becoming comfortable with the concept that i'm utterly insane
i look in the mirror, and i look insane
i'm okay with that
because i am utterly mad
i realize
i look like i am
i pass! i actually pass!
i didn't used to pass
but now i pass as i truly am
i am the madwoman of menotomy
you may think i look saner than i do
but i always pick out the pictures i look most sane in
i will no longer do that
i want a more accurate representation of me how i am

so i'm drunk
for the first time in i don't know how long
i went for a while where i couldn't drink
just a little bit would make me throw up
damage from bulimia
but i'm doing better now
i've stopped purging

i'm drinking cinnamon whiskey and dr. pepper
it's a drink merryperseis made up
since she made it up she has naming rights
if i were naming it i'd probably call it something stupid like dr. cinnamon

i'm still a bit sad about saying goodbye to my therapist
i could tell she really cared about me
she wouldn't have cried at the end of our last session if she didn't
i'm going to miss her
but i still have the work we did together
i'm not losing that just because we've said goodbye
i'm not starting over
i'm a different person now
a better person
it's do in part to her help
but i can keep the new me
and improve further
i'm looking forward to the future
something i haven't done in a long time
i was always planning on ways to kill myself
but right now i don't want to die
i have faith in myself
faith i'm worth caring about
and her crying cemented that faith
it showed me that even if i bare my secrets to a total stranger
i'm still a good person
they end up caring for me
her crying touched me in so many ways
i just wasn't expecting it
i feel better about myself than i have in years
i'm someone worth caring about

The memories of the house by the sea are fading. It was so real. I was there so long. I can't even remember the children's names anymore. I didn't write them down in the last post. I shouldn't have waited so long before posting. I was up for about an hour. I should have written it sooner. Things are fading fast. I should have written more, however I imagine when I reread my journal, the last post will seem odd and foreign. I'll know nothing of the events that just a little while ago held so much meaning. Tainted with the madness still, I will walk today. I don't know what else to say.

In my dream I was wondering around town with purpleglitter. Everything was going well. zarthon was thinking of starting a gym or an aerobics club called "Rhythms". After wandering, purpleglitter and I laid on the concrete in Porter square and looked at a new store that had just been put in. It was big and white and cubic.

"Would you like a diamond?" I asked purpleglitter

She replied "Yes."

I then said "I would like one, too. But if I had one I'd probably have to pawn it at this point." Thinking a bit I added "But not if it was from..."

I was interrupted by a woman with very short brown hair and a clip board. She asked in a very official manner, "What is your current name?" It no longer felt like a dream. Suddenly I couldn't move. I was panicked. I was terrified of her. I felt she was going to take me away to some place really I didn't want to go. Bring me to a laboratory or space ship or something. Where ever it was it was someplace I'd already been. I wanted to get away, but I couldn't move. I woke up with the most horrible panicked feeling and I'm afraid to go back to sleep. I don't know who she was, but she wasn't part of the dream.

"The Beast" needs a real name. As the Beast doesn't understand language, it can't choose one itself. The beast is a protective alter. Very instinctual. Very vigilant. I think "Fluffy" will make a great name.

Goth dancing is really tae kwon do. The moves are just a little slower. The nightclubs are training camps. They are training goths for the invasion of Somerville!! It will then be renamed Somergrad. Cossack™ Vodka is just the begining! It's a vast and evil conspiracy. It's true I say. It's true! It's true! !

I've named a second piece: Sunrise

I've yet to come up with a name for the piece I'm most fond of. The one that carries the most meaning to me. The one that touches the deepest into my soul. The first one that came out when I played the piano at Ana Jaques. The name will come in time, when it is ready.

I've given a name to one of my pieces: Meteor Shower

It's far from finished, but it's the first to have a name.

pillowkisser, merryperseis, and I have decided that the new apartment will officially be known as the Second House of Clocks. I will probably refer to it simply as the house_of_clocks, and keep the "Second" simply as a technicality. Now that we have the name, it's high time I started putting up some of the clocks on the kitchen walls.

-----

pillowkisser has been added to the house_of_clocks community.

-----

The Second House of Clocks will be online Monday evening. merryperseis ordered cable modem access yesterday, and prettyshygrrl will be coming over Monday evening to help set everything up.

Last Thursday, I went to my 3:00pm evaluation at the Crisis Center at the Lexington Center for Mental Health. We were evaluated by a person name Susan for about half an hour and she determined we were in need of hospitalization. I was okay with that, but made it clear that we did not want to go back to Holy Family. I told them "Anywhere but Holy Family.".

After I had been waiting in the waiting room for quite some time (I don't know exactly how long, time was a blur), Susan came back and told us that she had section 12ed (involuntary committed) us to Holy Family. I told her I wasn't going to go. I asked her to find someplace else. I begged her to find someplace else. She replied that it was too late, I was already section 12ed to Holy Family.

I told her that I wasn't going to back to Holy Family. I started for the door. Susan told me that if I left, she'd have to call the police. I left anyway.

Knowing the police would be coming for me, and that they'd eventually find me, I made my way quickly to the Brooks Pharmacy in a nearby stripmall. At Brooks, I bought 2 bottles of Nyquil, a bottle of sleeping pills, and some candy.

Leaving Brooks, I saw a police car entering the parking lot. I quickly ducked into a clothing store. Pretending to browse behind the racks, I kept an eye on the window. The police car drove slowly by, but didn't see me.

A minute or two later, I peeked out of the store. The police car was still in the lot look in the windows. I quickly and calmly walked in the direction opposite the way the police were heading. I walked into McDonalds and out the other side.

I scurried off into the woods and took the sleeping pills, washing them down with one of the bottles of Nyquil. I also ate a few of the candies.

After the drugs had started taking effect, I decided I wanted to say goodbye to some of those I love. I was in a quite delirious state at the point, and didn't fully realize the risk of capture involved in such an endeavor. I left the woods and walked back to the strip mall. I brought my bag of goodies with me, because I didn't want to litter. I noticed another police car enter the lot, and I quickly ducked back into the McDonalds and sat down at one of the tables.

The police officers spotted me this time. I was pretty unmistakable in my satin and velvet pajamas, silk bathrobe, wild pigtails, and cats eye glasses. I'm sure the officers didn't have much of a problem identifying me at all.

As the police entered, I quickly finished what little was left the bottle of Nyquil, and downed a few stray sleeping pills that had fallen into the bag. Not the wisest move at that point, I admit, but I wasn't thinking very clearly.

The police asked me if I was Karen Luketin. To which I replied truthfully, "No". Our name is Beverly Luketin. I showed them our ID to prove it, holding my thumb over the word "Luketin". I said smugly, "See, my name is Beverly". Of course, the police took the ID, looked at it, and noted that my last name was Luketin. They knew I was who they were looking for.

The preceded to ask me about the pills, about which I was very cryptic. Knowing what I had taken, they called in an ambulance. They told me that they had me on a section 12, and there was nothing I could do.

When the ambulance arrived, the police told the paramedics that they were to wait, that the crisis center was sending it's own ambulance. However, when I collapsed simi-conscious onto the ground, the paramedics said they weren't waiting any longer, and rushed me to the emergency room at Waltham Deaconess Hospital.

The emergency room was a blur. I was plugged up to so many things, I felt like a borg. They fed me much charcoal. Apparently our heart rate went up to 175 while we were unconscious. Throughout the night I drifted in and out of consciousness. I made several delirious phone calls trying to tell people where I was. I kept talking to people, then turning my head to realize no one was there. I was hold and looking at things, only to find my hands were firmly and motionlessly folded on my stomach.

purpleglitter and zarthon tried to visit me around 3am, but the emergency room staff wouldn't let them see me. They were told that they weren't my "real" family, and that they would have to go. I didn't even find out that they had tried to visit until I talked to purpleglitter over the phone the following afternoon.

At some point after that, the emergency room staff decided we were in the clear physically. I was told that we were still going to Holy Family. I was very upset, and started ripping out the monitors and the IV. I told them there was no way I was still going after all that. Four orderlies held me down and I was given an quick injection. I awoke Friday afternoon at Holy Family.

At the end of this month, I am moving. I am taking with me the multitude of clocks that have given my current abode the name "the House of Clocks". I have been wondering about the name "the House of Clocks". Is the House of Clocks this specific apartment, or is it wherever my collection of clocks resides? Will it create confusion if I start calling the new place "the House of Clocks"? Will it feel false if I do? Will it feel false if I don't?

Poll #68997
Open to: All, results viewable to: All

Should the new apartment inherit the name "the House of Clocks"?

I just changed the name field on my profile to "The Madwoman of Menotomy".

This morning I called around trying to find free (or at least sliding scale) mental health services. I found one in Arlington (after calling around different mental health agencies). I called, and the secretary told me that everyone was in a meeting and they'd call me back.

-----

Around, 1:30, neodarkling came over. I'd met her briefly at the Diesel Café, just long enough for her to comment she liked my shoes and me to give her a wish pod. We found each other online through feline's journal.

Apparently she and I have some similar tastes in music. She is also one of the few people I have met outside of Columbia, MO that has heard of Odor of Pears.

Nothing like romping through the forest in crimson satin pajamas and a wonderfully flowing matching silk bathrobe! We went to the Great Meadow, only to find the path to the stepping stones was flooded. Without getting to the stepping stones, there is no way cross the Bog of Eternal Stench and get to the Magik Pond.

We walked around the accessible area of the Great Meadow for a while than headed back to my house. I was very very talkative today. Talk talk talk! I just couldn't shut up. Recanting past adventures.

Upon arriving back home, she left. Right before she left, I told her, "There's something important I don't know about you: your name". She mentioned she didn't know my name either. It was something that had simply never came up. Neither of us had ever asked. We then traded names in a introduction-type fassion

-----

I noticed that the Arlington Mental Health Clinic had never called me back, so I called them. The secretary said that the person who makes the initial calls was making her calls right then. About two minutes later, I got the call. Things went well at first. But towards the end of the conversation, I wasn't so sure I really wanted to deal with these people. I asked if anyone there had any training or experience with multiples. She answered "no." I explained that I wasn't sure if I wanted to let someone who didn't know what they were doing mess with our delicate balance. She told me, very snidely, that I could wait until I get MassHealth and try to find a better place. She told me that she would call me back later tonight, to see if I had made a decision as to if I really wanted help.

We've had mental health people who don't know how to deal with multiples simply make things worse. And, I don't think it would be helpful to see such a person. I was stressed out and went to bed.

Around 7:00 I woke up. purpleglitter suggested to me that I should ask them to help with issues like eating problems and cutting, and to leave everything else alone. At first this sounded like a great idea. And almost immediately after her suggestion, the person from the clinic called back. I asked her if that was possible. She answered that I could make such a request to whatever therapist I ended up being assigned to. I went ahead and made an appointment with intake Tuesday morning, and I should be able to start therapy within a couple weeks.

After the phone call, I realized that the eating problems and the cutting are tied into multiplicity issues. There's no real way to separate them. So, trying to deal with one exclusively seems like a futile prospect. That leads us back to the inept therapist screwing up what balance and stability we have left. I can't risk it. It's just not worth it.

When I said "Beverly" was merely an illusion, I might not have been entirely accurate. "Beverly" is more than an illusion. "Beverly" is the name of the system. It is an important concept, both internally and externally. "Beverly" is very complicated, and is often times more than a mere name, but it is always a concept.

It looks as if I may have to get a job. I don't know if it is possible for us to hold one down, but if we have to try, we have to try.

I've already called one of the places I've worked at in the past. Maybe they'll take me back. I don't know. I did a good job and left on good terms.

---

Therapy went well today. Anne is finally starting to grasp the dynamics of our system, which is necessary if she is going to help us. For a while she has held the misconception that "Beverly" is a personalty. "Beverly" is just an illusion we show to the outside world. None of us are "Beverly". Having an external name that we all use is convenient, as any of us can correctly identify ourselves as "Beverly". This creates a lot less confusion when interacting with singletons.

They are going to release Bouchon at 4:00. Wonderful. Like the world needs him walking around.

Names of other patients have been changed to protect their identity.

I wrote this first in a paper journal and I typed it in at a later time. - Beverly