purpleglitter just ending a four day weekend and trash day shifted to Wednesday combined to completely addle my internal clock. The trash came and went and I completely missed it. What's worse, this week is recycling pickup. Recycling pickup in Arlington only happens every other week, so missing it causes things to really pile up. Fun fun, I guess I'll move it down to the basement for storage until it can be picked up — which won't be until after New Years.

A German citizen who said he was kidnapped by the Central Intelligence Agency and tortured in a prison in Afghanistan lost his last chance to seek redress in court today when the Supreme Court declined to consider his case. The justices’ refusal to take the case of Khaled el-Masri let stand a March 2 ruling by the United States Court of Appeals for the Fourth Circuit, in Richmond, Va. That court upheld a 2006 decision by a federal district judge, who dismissed Mr. Masri’s lawsuit on grounds that trying the case could expose state secrets. ... Mr. Masri contended in his suit that he was seized by local law enforcement officials while vacationing in Macedonia on New Year’s Eve 2003. At the time, he was 41 years old and an unemployed car salesman. “They asked a lot of questions — if I have relations with Al Qaeda, Al Haramain, the Islamic Brotherhood,” Mr. Masri said in a 2005 interview with The New York Times. “I kept saying no, but they did not believe me.” After 23 days, he said, he was turned over to C.I.A. operatives, who flew him to a secret C.I.A. prison in Kabul. There, Mr. Masri said, he was kept in a small, filthy cell and shackled, drugged and beaten while being interrogated about his supposed ties to terrorist organizations. At the end of May 2004, Mr. Masri said, he was released in a remote part of Albania without ever having been charged with a crime. full story

This is outrageous. The blocking of a trial with spurious claims of "state secrets" is, in my opinion, tantamount to an admission of guilt. This crime is even more blatant by the fact that this German citizen was flown to Kabul — an occupied territory of the United States. Does anyone really doubt who's in charge in Afghanistan or Iraq? The crimes of puppet governments are crimes of the puppeteer. It is a further crime that Khaled el-Masri cannot peruse justice in an American court and it is likely that neither those who kidnapped and tortured him nor those that ordered the kidnapping and torture will ever be extradited to stand trial in Germany.

The pots have been clanged! The water has been thrown! 2007 welcome and I hope it brings us all good things!

While not without it's tribulations, 2006 was a year of milestones and reunions for me. This was the first year in half a decade that I have spent completely out of psych hospitals. Although I took a couple of my old Ativans to get to sleep at a couple of points, I spent the year pretty much without any psych med prescriptions. I've become closer with certain members of my family than I have been in a long time. I've reconnected with friends long past. I've grown spiritually and even found God. It's been quite a year.

swiped from dan4th:

another year I thought that the version of PhotoShop that came with Orac (the name I have given to the used computer purpleglitter recently bought me) was the scaled down version, unlike the professional version on Clementine. I woke up well this morning and was hoping for a very productive Project Schedule. Skye is egg bound with a soft shell egg. sometimes the only thing that makes death unappealing is that I do not believe it ends existence. dan4th took a couple pictures of me in the sunlight last weekend. Take also unto thee wheat, and barley, and beans, and lentils, and millet, and spelt, and put them in one vessel, and make bread of it. I thought that I could not be any more disgusted by the Bush administration, but his response to the Israeli assault on Lebanon has proved me wrong. I've improved some of my old userpics. I had a great time this evening celebrating purpleglitter's birthday with zarthon, recoiling, and of course purpleglitter. The paste of purity has run its course and I have scrubbed it off the wall of corruption. Yesterday, President Bush told Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, "This business about graceful exit just simply has no realism to it at all."

I've been very dizzy and fally today with a smaller degree of twitchiness. I did manage to make it to dan4th's New Year's waffle party. I particularly liked dan4th's gingerbread waffles. I enjoyed being at the party and having good talkings with the people, familiar and new, that were there. When it came time to leave, dan4th offered me a ride because I had been having "dizzy" episodes off and on while at the party. I declined because I felt guilty about taking him away from the party. I didn't want to be a burden. That was a mistake on my part. I made it halfway to the bus stop from dan4h's house when I ended up on the snow the first time. Went down again across the street from the stop. And again waiting at the stop for the bus. The third time, a passerby was worried and called the authorities. Luckily I was able to get up and on a bus before they arrived. However, I had an unusually intense episode while sitting on the bus and lost consciousness. I ended up missing my stop and getting off at Stop & Shop. Stop & Shop is a 20-30 minute walk to the house_of_clocks when I'm doing well, and I didn't have enough money to get back on the bus. I used my last 50¢ to call purpleglitter and ask her for a ride home. Unfortunately she was in Braintree with zarthon and couldn't help me, so I had to walk. It was quite cold and the walk didn't begin well. Almost a half hour after I left Stop & Shop, I had ended up on the ground four times and had traversed relatively little distance. I almost ended up crying in the snow because I didn't see how I was going to make it home. However, I did end up breaking out of the episode cycle and was soon able to walk the rest of the way home largely without problem. Even so, I felt a large wave of trappedness. I don't like feeling that I cannot leave the house without depending on the assistance of others. I don't want people to feel obligated to give me a ride home every time I visit them. I'm worried that people won't want to see me because of that. I feel like I was already a burden and now I'm becoming a greater and greater one. I know that things may not remain this way, that when I see my neurologist again I might get meds that might help me. But with so much fighting, I don't have faith in the medical establishment anymore. I don't have faith things will get better. Maybe I should be more optimistic, but I can't get myself to be. I just can't.

another year
i still don't know how to exist
i still don't get it on a functional level
i'm still trying to fake it

a string of pearls, end untied
each bead slides off in succession and falls away
eventually there are no more

i have counted my pearls as i returned them to the ocean
the tide is dark with tears
i want to touch the ocean's heart
in trying i will surely drown

the creeping cold is underneath my skin
it is hurting me in the ripping places
the old year is setting, a new one dawning
where will I be?
will i be?
i watch and wait
the eternal game of if then
the horrors crawl forth from where they have lied hidden
long has it been
i have seen what was fly away in ribbons stripped from the fabric of the real
i live in the echo of the echo of what is gone from me
and the never has worked its way in
the differences show well that which does not change

My New Year's resolution for 2006 is to practice the viola for a minimum of 30 minutes a day. I am very excited about learning a new instrument, and hopefully my resolution will give me the motivational kick-off to get it done.

I've decided that I will start Project Three Meals again on the New Year. This means three reasonable meals a day and a healthy snack, no more, no less, no junk food. Add to that 30 minutes of exercise a day and that is the plan. Project three meals isn't about succeeding every day, it's about being conscious of my eating habits. Screw ups are allowed, although I will strive to succeed. I've always lost weight through previous attempts, but don't know the exact effectiveness because I do not currently own a scale and only get weighed during medical visits. I, however, view my ideal weight at 180lbs and estimate that I am currently somewhere between 205lbs and 210lbs. It is a good idea for me to lose some weight because I already have 2 significant risk factors for diabetes and weight is a third that I can control. However, I don't want to go under 180lbs, as I want to stay a little cushiony to keep purpleglitter happy.

Even though I am beginning Attempt 8 of Project Three Meals on January 1^st, I am not counting it as my New Years resolution. I have not yet decided upon what my resolution will actually be, and will announce it as soon as I do.

2004 has been a pretty good year for me. I only had one hospitalization this year, compared with 5 last year and the year before. I only cut once this year, and I stopped my bulimia. I'm stable on my meds (except when I forget to take them) and thinking about getting a job. Getting a job seemed a distant prospect at the beginning of the year, now it is a realistic goal. I feel like I've come out from under a rock. I'm a whole new person. I'm healing. Hopefully 2005 will be just as good.

purpleglitter and I almost slept through the new year. We decided to lay down in the bed around 7, just for a few minutes. However, we both fell asleep and woke up about 15 minutes ago. That was close, but we'll still see 2005 in.

About a month ago, I said I was going to make a New Years resolution to post every day in 2005. I've decided against that. I've decided against even calling them resolutions. I'm calling them goals like I did last year. Here are my goals for 2005:

Get back into the work force, if only part time. Volunteer more. Read more. I don't read as much as I used to, and I need to get back in the habit. Take a class. Take more walks Ditch my junk food habit. A little now and then is okay, but not the amount I eat.

I'm looking back at my 2004 goals, and I only accomplished one out of six. However, the one I did accomplish was getting rid of bulimia, which is pretty big, so I think I'll count my 2004 as a success.

i very occasionally do cocaine
when i can get my hands on it
i can't afford to spend my own cash, so it's pretty hit or miss
i only allow myself one line a month
and i already did my coke for this month
next month is my drug-free month
so i won't be doing it again until next year
and that is if i still want to be doing drugs after December
some people are very against my moderate cocaine usage
and i understand where they are coming from
the only reason they are against it is because they care for me
but i believe that if i am very careful with it i'll be okay
and i have been careful with it
so i'm not worried
i don't think small amounts of coke are that big of a deal

i haven't been posting much lately
that will eventually end
i've already decided on my new year's resolution for next year
i will post every day for 2005

it's snowing outside right now
the first real snow of the season
i went out in it early this morning to get my geodon script filled
everything was covered in white drifts
i love winter
however i also fear it
heating the house is always a problem
we haven't gotten oil yet because citizen's energy isn't taking applications until December
plus i hear that some part of the furnace exploded in the basement
i haven't been down to check it out
but it will need to be repaired
i'll have to find out if it was the oil line or the water line the blew
hopefully the water line as the other will get quite messy quite quickly
or will have already gotten quite messy because it's already exploded

my pdoc increased my geodon again
240mg a day now
a very high dose
i also found out that i'm already maxed out on celexa at 60mg

purpleglitter's computer is down and it's my fault
i told purpleglitter she could delete something that shouldn't have been deleted
i feel very bad about that

today is clean the house day
fun fun

Wow! I haven't smoked pot all year. Better get to it.