In therapy yesterday, we discussed why I want to get off disability and back into the job market. I hadn't really thought that much on the question other than that I wanted to.

The reason I want a job is not because I feel guilty in some way for not having one. I don't feel guilty. First, it's only recently that I've been doing well enough to realistically consider getting one. Second, it's not like any job I'm likely to go into is going to make the world a better place or let me do my part or any such crap. Most likely, if I go back into databases, I'm be schlepping code to fill some corporate coffers. The likelihood of landing another non-profit gig isn't terribly high.

The reason is not that I'd simply like to have more money either. Sure it would be nice to not have to count pennies so much, to not worry about how I'm going to pay for rent and oil. But, I'm getting by. Anything else is gravy. Gravy is nice, but not necessary.

The reason is autonomy. I don't want to be beholden to the government for my check. And while I am grateful for those friends who have helped me out when I've been in tight spots, I do not want to be beholden to them for support either. I want to control my own life, and in this hyperquasicapitalist dollar-worshiping society that means holding my own purse strings to as much of an extent as possible. I want to control my income because even if they hold their power benignly, I want to lessen the power others hold over me.

I just printed myself out some queer dollars.