My friend type_40, who I had a late meal with at Denny's tonight, has been dismayed about the lack of a decent forum dedicated to the old Doctor Who series. To rectify this, I created classic_who and set up the profile for her. I then handed her the reigns. Not much there yet; but if you are interested – go ahead and check it out.

I'm going to be landing in Saint Louis this Friday on a one-way airline ticket. It will be the first time my brother, my sister, my parents, and I will all be in the same place at the same time in over a decade. I'm looking very much forward to this.

Sunday, we will all be heading down for the day to Murphysboro, Illinois - where I was born - to see my family down there.

Sometime during my stay in Missouri I hope to see type_40.

I also want to find a way to get to Columbia, I haven't seen the town for a long while and I'd really like to meet up with ceruleanct11. However my tight budget and the infrequent bus schedule very well might thwart that endeavour.

I plan to go home via rail and/or bus, but that leg of the trip has not been fully set in place. I will definitely be stopping in Saint Thomas, Ontario on the way back to spend some time with goldmourn.

I'm also hoping to meet up with likeamermaid on my journey, but if that will occur is not certain as of yet.

While this isn't well planned out, I have a good feeling about it. I'm sure it will be an adventure at the very least.

I posted this meme a little over a year ago. The program has been improved to allow you to exclude your own and anonymous comments from the result, which I have done. Here are the results:

Top Commenters on neitherday's LiveJournal
(Self and anonymous comments excluded from rankings)

	Top 10
1	purpleglitter	185
2	strangedoll	185
3	biker_boi_dhane	181
4	lady_babalon	167
5	circebe	160
6	dykestar	130
7	borggrrl	128
8	ruakh	107
9	lusciousdame	106
10	azurelunatic	101
	( 11-100 )

Total Commenters: 968 (868 not shown)
Total Comments: 10399
Report generated 8/10/2005 2:57:33 PM by scrapdog's LJ Comment Stats Wizard 1.6

again, i have found myself unable to write
again, i will break the spell with a stream of consciousness post
so if you dislike stream of consciousness posts you can quit now

i got back from missouri on sunday
i had a wonderful trip
saw family and friends i haven't seen in a long time
and got to meet my nephew jonas
he's so happy and loves to bounce
spending time with him convinced me that when i'm better i want to try to adopt a kid
i'm very happy for my brother and heather


photo by myenergy

i've noticed i've been taking more ativans lately
i don't like this
it's a very addictive drug
but my general mental state has been on a slight downward slope
my therapist is talking about my "thought disorder" again
she asked me if i got stuck in loops sometimes
and i do
she said that was a thought disorder symptom
scary, but could explain a lot of things
i want to do more research about this
and find out what can be done
i'm not entirely thrilled about my therapist's suggestion
she wants me to make an earlier appointment with my pdoc
and see if i can get her to up my geodon
i don't want more geodon
but if it will help i can accept that
the painful looping has gotten pretty bad lately
and if more geodon will make it go away then i'll take more
but i'm already on so much
how much more can i take?

on a brighter note,
purpleglitter and i went to mount auburn cemetery today
the fall colours were spectacular
we arrived late, so only got to stay a short while
(they close at 5)
but we had a great time and took many piccies
following is one i took



i'm starting to feel a bit twitchy right now
a sense of panic is building
i don't like it
ah, it's passing
sometimes it takes hours to pass
sometimes i just take benzos until i go to sleep
but this time it passed quickly
and i'm happy about that

i'm not used to staying up this late
i have been going to bed quite early lately
and i have to be up early tomorrow
so i should be getting to bed
so good night
and hopefully i'll be able to get myself back on a regular posting schedule

I filled out and mailed off all my disability paperwork. I also sent wish pods to das_hydra and noirelilly, and CDs to vonjenef. While I was at it, I mailed printed copies of all the poems I've posted on LiveJournal to myself for copyright purposes.

I redesigned vonjenef's LiveJournal layout for her (as much as you can with a free account). I hope she likes it. To toot my own horn, I think it turned out pretty cool.

I've gotten a lot done today. This afternoon I made a deal with Lake. She'll clean my playroom (which she'll do later) and I'll move everything from her office to the livingroom (because her office is about to become Petra's room). There was a lot of stuff in Lake's office. It took me two hours of almost non-stop sweaty work, but I got it done.

After that I took a nice long shower.

Late this afternoon I helped vonjenef customize her lj over yahoo messenger. Didn't help as much as I could have in person, but she is far away from here, stuck in Missouri.

This evening I added a page for Requiem for a Dream to my movie section. Lake found the links in exchange for setting up Lake's computer in the livingroom. Lake is a computer genius and perfectly capable of setting up her own computer, but she was tired out from setting up everything else for her office in the livingroom.

It might seem unfair that I still have my playroom and Lake loses her office, but there is a major advantage for her to move her office in the livingroom: it is air conditioned. In this weather that is a BIG advantage.

I worked on making the wings, again the material didn't work. It's still pulling too hard on the wires. I need something longer. I know now just what I need. I have to go out again. The frame is ready, I just have to put on the membrane and paint it. Finding the right membrane has been the problem. I have a good feeling my next try will work. Even though I knew what I needed to do, the thought of going out again depressed me, so I laid in the bed for a bit.

When I got up, I called Pam. She cheered me up. She asked me how I was eating today. I told her well, which is true. She's going to get a LiveJournal, so we can keep up with each other's lives. I hope she figures out when she can come visit soon. I hadn't seen her for almost 10 years, then I got to visit with her on my last trip to Missouri. We caught up on a lot, but there is still so much more.

I decided I put to much pressure on myself. Stress and pressure is something that really does a number on me. My system works really well at first under it, but ends up falling apart. My last job was like that. Really high stress. I did really well at first, but ended up in the psych ward.

Now, I'm trying to just sit back and relax. I've made myself a Diet Dr. Pepper spiked with vodka. I put the vodka from the freezer in first and the glass cracked in half. Realizing my error, for the second glass I put the Diet Doctor Pepper in first. Now I'm going to just try to relax for the rest of the day. No more worry about goals and getting everything done. I know I didn't make it, but I have to keep telling myself I was unrealistic. I knew that at the beginning, but somewhere along the line I forgot.

Several people are on my case, saying that I'm on a path straight to death with the bulimia and the cutting. Pam (a good friend of mine from mine from St. Louis) was on my case about bulimia this morning, asking if I was trying to indirectly kill myself. She'd just read about it in my LiveJournal.

This afternoon, Lake was telling me that if I died from any of this, then there would be no one to look after the kitties. That is, there would be no one to look after the kitties because if I died, she'd kill herself. It's harder to figure things out when you're dealing with a chain reaction of things like that.

I'm not currently that suicidal, but I'm not adverse to the idea of dying. If it happens it happens. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I don't really feel good. I don't care about living, I don't care about not. I love Lake though, and I don't want anything to happen to her. She's so wonderful. She is the only sunshine in my life. I don't want that to go out even if I do.