I did a nice bit of tiding up downstairs, very much in zombie mode. I am not done, but I can do no more tonight. I accomplished enough so the task tomorrow will not seem insurmountable, which is important if I'm going to motivate myself to actually do it. Taking on too large of a task tends to paralyse me these days, while years ago it would invigorate me. I need to catch that wind again.

Skye is egg bound with a soft shell egg. It is pressing against her nerve, which is causing her limp leg. They are going to try some treatments on her overnight to try to get her to pass the egg on her own. If she doesn't she will have to undergo surgery. I hope she can pass it on her own, as surgery is very tramatic for small birds. Poor Skye. I love her.

Skye's lead test came back normal, meaning lead exposure is not the cause of her foot paralysis. It seems the two most likely causes now are a tumor or damage done due to possible egg binding. Either way, we'll likely find out tomorrow after her x-rays are done. She'll have to be knocked out for the x-rays, but she should be fine with that as the vet said other than her foot she is in excellent health.

I'm very worried about poor Skye. I don't think anything bad should happen to budgies ever.

Dilly is helping take care of Skye. He is such a good budgie and loves her so. I'm very impressed with him. We all love Skye. Skye is a pretty budgie bird.

I, like just about everyone else, sometimes make really stupid mistakes. Mistakes that I believe I should damn well know better than to make. I sometimes call them "brain farts" in an attempt to make light of them. I, however, have a difficult time forgiving myself for such errors, even when the effects of them are essentially meaningless. I expect perfection from myself, even though I know that perfection is impossible for anyone to achieve.

I like to say that what other people think of me doesn't matter, because it really shouldn't. However, in all honesty it does. I get embarrassed rather easily and often end up looping over even minor embarrassments and errors for an extended periods. Add to that the fact that I am not neurotypical and don't pick up on cues that would seem obvious to most, and it's a recipe for disaster after disaster.

In bitter places, fed up with trying, sometimes I angrily denounce what others think of me. But that bitter place is still based on their views. Often "their view of me" is simply my perception of how others perceive me, which may or may not even be accurate. If I could truly let go of caring about what others think of me and let myself be less than perfect, I believe I would be much better off. It is a task easier said than done, but one that may be worth attempting.

The maxim 'nothing avails but perfection' may be spelled shorter: PARALYSIS.
     -- Winston Churchill

Just got back from the vet. Skye has been having trouble using her left foot for the last week or so. The vet said that the foot is not in pain and is not injured. The problem, she said, is nuerological. The two likely causes are a kidney tumor pressing on the nerve or lead exposure. She took a blood test to for lead and the results will be back tomorrow. That seems the most likely cause at this point, and it is also the most treatable. Skye did very good at the vet and remained calm the whole time. I'm very impressed with her.

i didn't sleep well last night
kept waking up from horrible dreams
now i'm twitchy
shaky
it's hard to think
it's hard to type
maybe i have gotten worse
maybe this is how i am without geodon
maybe this isn't withdrawals
maybe i'm really this bad
i feel panic and movement is limited
i'm tempted to take my geodon now
but i still want to wait and see

not quite over
still very twitchy
and having scary panic effects too
i was lying in bed
i couldn't move
i was scared they were going to come get me
i don't know who
just that there was something evil in the room
and i couldn't move
didn't like that feeling

there are things i shy away from
because i know i'm not as good as i used to be
because i'm out of practice
and i'm embarrassed about how out of practice i am
and by avoiding practice i become more out of practice
it's a nasty cycle
it's a foolish cycle
it's a cycle i should stop
it's a cycle i am fully capable of stopping
if i'd only let myself
but i'm too afraid
i am stuck
i cannot move
i paralyze myself
i must break free
but i don't know how
i must break free
i must break free

hello out there. i'm very twichy. i'm shakey and sweaty. everything is hot and cold and dizzy and there are blinking windows at the bottom of the screen an i don't know how to click them. ability is fleeting. i can do a little bit sometimes. lake is making coffee. i had some tea earlier. maybe i should take my PRNs. where are you? who am i talking to? everyone? no one? myself, when i read this later? All of the above? my legs are shaking the desk. the monitor is bouncing up and down. and the window is still blinking. i can just move my fingers and eyes. i'm going to ask lake to save the message for me. i don't think i can figure out how.

the screen is moving in strange ways
shaking
rippling
rocking back and forth
vibrating
the strobe is going
there are colors flashing everywhere
confetti
i am flying
looking at the world below me
i see the lights of the cities
i'm moving
there is a pain in my chest
when i look up
i become stiff
i can't look up
i look ahead
i see the horizon
i'm moving
turning sideways
i'm upsidedown
i feel the loops running through my head
i don't like the loops
they hurt
i try to avoid the loops
i can feel them
in the same spaces
tangling me up
what am i hiding?
what have i forgotten so that i don't have to think it?
what have i hidden
what is hidden is hidden.
that's what the message said
what is hidden is hidden
i have to look
but i shouldn't
i should know to leave well enough alone
but is this well enough?
there's the question
will knowing change things?
will it make things better or worse?
do i have sufficient data to make such distinctions?

In my dream I was wondering around town with purpleglitter. Everything was going well. zarthon was thinking of starting a gym or an aerobics club called "Rhythms". After wandering, purpleglitter and I laid on the concrete in Porter square and looked at a new store that had just been put in. It was big and white and cubic.

"Would you like a diamond?" I asked purpleglitter

She replied "Yes."

I then said "I would like one, too. But if I had one I'd probably have to pawn it at this point." Thinking a bit I added "But not if it was from..."

I was interrupted by a woman with very short brown hair and a clip board. She asked in a very official manner, "What is your current name?" It no longer felt like a dream. Suddenly I couldn't move. I was panicked. I was terrified of her. I felt she was going to take me away to some place really I didn't want to go. Bring me to a laboratory or space ship or something. Where ever it was it was someplace I'd already been. I wanted to get away, but I couldn't move. I woke up with the most horrible panicked feeling and I'm afraid to go back to sleep. I don't know who she was, but she wasn't part of the dream.

I couldn't get motivated to get ready for Thom's party. I was depressed and having visions of terrorist nuclear bombs going off over Boston and New York during the celebrations. Then the room turned a redish hue for a while and I couldn't move and I was scared. I'm totally nuts. Well, as a result, we're staying home for the New Year. I feel horrible. It's all my fault Lake missed the party. If I weren't trying to spend time with Lake to make up for screwing up the party, I'd probably be slicing myself for doing so. I know I deserve it. I hate myself.