I've been to Mount Auburn Cemetery twice this weekend. Yesterday, I went with Ila. We walked up the winding paths and climbed to the top of the tower. The sky was overcast, which served to deepen the reds, gold and purple that extended to the horizon in one directions and to the Boston skyline in the other.

Today, Skye had her bi-weekly lupron shot. After the shot, purpleglitter and I took her to Mount Auburn. This time we drove to the tower, and I walked Skye to the top. Today was sunny and bright and Skye was treated to what some have called the best view on the continent. She loved every minute of it up there. Skye in the sky.

i hate how angry i can get
i've been wearing the demon eyes too much lately
and i've lost that place of center again
i need to work back to it or i am going to drive myself... i don't know
i was going to say "crazy"
but i've always been crazy
and one cannot drive oneself to where one already is
but i need to find that spot again
i know that it is possible
i know that i can
i just need to
i get here every now and again
and i suppose i always will
the path of life is windy
and getting lost every now and then is a bit inevitable
the point is to not give up when your lost
the point is to keep moving
always keep moving
find the path again

I've been holding off posting this until the lease was signed so as not to jinx things. However, getting everything done by snail mail between California and Massachusetts has been taking a bit longer than we anticipated, and I can't stand not to mention it. So at the risk of jinx, I post this anyway:

purpleglitter and I are moving in together at the end of the month. We're moving into one side of a wonderful duplex in an historic district of Arlington. We're near the bike trail and a stream. I'm going to be able to see a good variety of birds just sitting on the back porch. The place is idyllic. I'm very excited.

I will miss the house_of_clocks. Unlike last time, I will not be taking the clocks with me. Last time the household moved, this time it is individuals moving. It's the end of an era for me. Perhaps those who are in the house after me will continue the tradition, perhaps not. I hope they will, as it would make me happy if the house_of_clocks still existed.

Things are changing so fast. You'd think I'd be used to rapid change by now. Perhaps I am, and I'd just have to experience a period of time without rapid change to notice.

I just spent several hours trying to get these pictures to upload. Very frustrated with LiveJournal and Semagic. Will, of course, get over it.


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"Do I have a purpose?"

"What is the point any of this?"

"Does it matter?"

Individually and collectively these are often driving questions and people take myriad of paths to seek answers. Some throw up their hands and proclaim there is no point or purpose while others plainly see their purpose. Still others will spend their lives looking for that purpose, often tormented by the lack of having one. I for a long time fell into the last category, until I came upon a sparkling thought: One need not know what their purpose is in order to have one.

That realization has been freeing. I no longer search or seek my purpose. It may not be for me to know and from my vantage point it is fully likely that i would be unable to understand if somehow shown. I am part of the weave of the Universe and no part of the Grand Structure is pointless or unnecessary.. Every person's existence has meaning even if they never know what that meaning is.

I must keep from retreading the old paths. Right now is not a good place in my head. I feel purposeless. I know that this shall pass. I will emerge from this again as before. Perhaps stronger, perhaps wiser, at the very least different. I have learned much in the last years, and know not to fear the dark places. It isn't easy, but why should it be?

Yesterday, I went to therapy for the first time since July. During our talks, my therapist told me that I'm in the final stages of therapy. With that comes the question: "What now?".

It's a difficult question. Moving back into the productive workforce carries a good deal of it's own issues and getting in with a 6 year gap and outdated geek skill will present a challenge. I did really enjoy databases and if I do go back into tech I'd like to go back into designing them. There is something about databases that deeply appeals to me. I've done a small amount of data mining in the past, and that appeals to me even more than design. But, it would be easier to go back to design as that is where my experience really lies. It's been 6 years since I've done database design and I would need some refreshing is in order along with updating my skill set to fit the current environment.

However, I'm not entirely certain I want to go back into tech. It would be the easiest and likely the most lucrative choice available to me, but doing something artistic and/or crafty appeals to me greatly as well. Working on the tangible and creating things that will take on a journey and life of their own. I know that some of my databases are still in use and in that way they've taken on a life of their own, but it's not the same as something you can touch. I want to create and build. I just don't know if that is a viable prospect, as it requires capital to get started and insurance is a pain in the ass for the self-employed.

Going back to school would be a happy thing, perhaps studying math and physics like I started out on over a decade ago now, perhaps studying something else. But, that appears the least likely path right now. Financially I don't see how it could happen.

I am overwhelmed with possibilities. It's like I'm coming out a deep dark cave and can finally see great meadows and mountains and forests in front of me, all wondrous but I must choose if I will head towards the meadows or the mountains or the forests. Eyes opening for the first time, yet again.