I went back to therapy yesterday evening. It's not my therapist in particular I have a problem with, it's the system as a whole. I think some therapy may be helpful for me at this point, but I am still a bit dubious as to whether I've made the right decision. What really tipped the scale is now that I'm actually getting seriously looked at for my physical issues, I can to some degree afford to talk with a therapist at the very least.
My therapist said that she would help me get the most troublesome and error-ridden parts of my psych record removed. While waiting to sign in, I had noticed in the privacy statement of the Cambridge Health Alliance that I had the right to request any part of my medical record be removed. They then can decide if such removal is appropriate, but if they decide it is not I have the right to appeal to a third party for arbitration. Hopefully it won't go that far, but I'm really looking forward to get the opinions of idiots like Fatima off my record. Hopefully that ball will be fully rolling soon.
We also discussed psych meds. I'm very very dubious about psych meds, but am willing to try another SSRI. I don't trust SSRIs entirely, but IMHO they are the most innocuous of the psych med arsenal. I would also consider something for my anxiety, but the only real options are benzodiaphines and Paxil. I will not go on Paxil, I've known to many people who've gone through the completely horrid withdrawals from it. Sweating, shaking, bugs crawling on the skin kind of withdrawals. None for me thanks. The doctors at Cahill 3 did not want to give me a prescription for benzos because I have a "drug habit". They didn't want to give me a SSRI either, though. They had labeled me as psychotic because I was defiant and caused them hassle. While they gave me Klonopin inpatient and tried to give me Thorazine, they wanted to give me a script for Thorazine. I told them that I'd take meds only if they were prescribed by a neurologist. After much fighting, towards the end of my stay they had the neurologist on call for the unit come up and look at me. They ran a couple test that it took me weeks to get ahold of the results of, and gave me a very small dose of Lamictal. I assumed the Lamictal was related to any potential neurological issues, but I found out at my neurologist's office that on my exit sheets they wrote that the lamictal was for "mood stabilization". He explained that they would give Lamictal to someone who had suspected seizure activity and also needed a mood stabilizer, but the whole thing still seems a bit sketchy to me.
I need to make a couple phone calls today to finalize the dates for my ambulatory EEG as well as set up an appointment with my new prescribing psych nurse. I had good luck with a nurse practitioner instead of a doctor for primary care, maybe a prescribing psych nurse will likewise be better than a psychiatrist.
Another note of interest is that my therapist has not been putting me down as having either DID or PTSD simply as having severe depression. She said that she believes me about such things, but I have not presented as DID in our sessions. That is because over the past year or so I've been fronting the majority of the time and most of the others that occasionally front nowadays are not noticeably different to outsiders. Sure, when someone like Cyndi or Sally front everyone notices. But Cyndi only comes out now on thankfully rare occasions and I haven't seen Sally in quite some time. This seems to be a quiet spell. I'm not sure why and these things are not something I control and even if I could I would not upset what little balance there is now to treat a therapist to a "demonstration".
I will be heading back to therapy next week, because even if I occasionally have issues with her, I've had less with her than any other therapist. I may not agree with her all the time, but she has earned a trust with me. If she doesn't understand something, instead of dismissing it, she researches it. I also do find it helpful to a degree to be able to just let things out in a very free form. She agrees that I was being treated badly at the hospital and that the label of psychotic was applied to me simply to discredit and control me, she is against force psychiatry and has shown that through her actions, she repeatedly states that she believes me, and she agrees that psych meds are overprescribed. Even if she does think that some psych meds would be helpful for me, she respects my decision on what meds I will not take and states that she does not think that I need antipsychotic. I think it would be a mistake to lose her as a therapist, because I am not likely to replace her with anyone quiet so open minded.
I saw my therapist today. I was honest and I didn't get sent in. I told her about the cutting. I even let her know I was having deep suicidal thoughts and told her my plan. She was concerned and asked if I needed to be in the hospital. I told her that I didn't want to go, and that was enough. On talking about my ophthalmologist, I talked about some of the visual processing mindware I'm running. She told me she couldn't understand what I was saying and that I am having "disorganized thinking". I think she just simply didn't understand what I was saying, which says more about her thinking not mine. She suggested I immediately get on medication. I'm willing to try certain medications, but I have a host of medication I will not take including antipsychotics and Paxil. She set me up with an appointment with a psychiatrist. I'll have to be more careful talking to the psychiatrist, as I doubt she'll be as friendly about locking me up as my therapist was. The more and more I deal with my therapist, the more and more I find that she's loathe to do impose involuntary things on patients, which is good. I have a reflex to hide stuff because of past therapists, but after today I feel I can be honest with her without fear of repercussions.
Being trusting is a dangerous thing. Today it paid off, but tomorrow it may bite me in the ass again as it has so many times before.
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There is something I did not bring up, however. Weighing heavy on my mind is an issue to do with someone I have recently come to know and care about. I don't know how to help them, or if I should help them. I'm afraid because my judgement is bad. They are in a very precarious situation, and to help them may be to hurt them. But to not help them may be also to hurt them. The conflict causes me a deep moral conflict that paralyses my brain whenever I think about it. The problems with the mental conflict are so great, I am unable to get myself to call my friend and I don't know how to resolve the situation. I don't want them to think I don't like or care about them. I have in essence abandoned them, and because of that I know I am bad. I try to be good, but I fail at that. I always fail at that. No matter what I try to do in any situation, I am and will always be wrong.
“*sigh* A lot's gone on today, and I shouldn't be making another post today, 'cause I need to ration. So, I probably won't make another phone post until at least Thursday evening, if not Friday.
So. Here's what's been going on.
Well, I found out that the complaint forms are utterly useless, and the quote-unquote "civil rights patients' advocate" person is also bullshit. I quizzed the patients advocate (we had a meeting about patients' rights), and the patients' advocate was very very much giving the pro-hospital line to everyone. And I already became suspicious and I was questioning things and talking about meds and what people should consider, and talking about tardive dyskinesia to people, and she was very upset, saying, you know, like, "You should leave that kind of thing up to a doctor, to tell them" and I was like "But the doctors don't tell them about that kind of side effect", and that "you may get NMF and die", even thought it's a rare side effect, I think people should be informed BEFORE they are forced to take these drugs, that there's so many nasty side effects, like diabetes, and withdrawals from things like Paxil, that are almost as bad as withdrawing from heroin. It's insane, the stuff they don't inform patients. So, I talk to patients about it, and apparently, I'm not supposed to do that.
Well, anyway, me and {name}, the patient advocate, had a little talk, and I found out that... yeah, she keeps telling everybody she's licensed through DMH, so she's impartial. But she's NOT impartial. Yeah, she's got a license through the DMH, but she reports to the hospital. She WORKS for the hospital. Her PAYCHECK comes from the hospital. She meets with the staff, before meeting with us, to get on the same page. She's a member of the staff. She pretends like she's our advocate, but she's not. She's just to here to try to give us someone to grieve to, that it won't really go anywhere.
And furthermore, they have the complaint forms. The other night, I was explained to, that we should fill out the complaint forms, and that something will happen when we fill them out. Well, the fact of the matter is that the complaint forms... if you fill out a complaint form, it gets sent to the nurse manager, Miriam. And, she has fourteen days to either... to process the complaint and figure out what to do about it. Now, especially since she's PART of the complaints, often, this really doesn't work out too well. After fourteen days, she gives her verdict, and you get the complaint form back.
Now, you ARE allowed to appeal this, though. However, the appeal goes to... guess who?! The nurse manager, again! Miriam! The same person the complaint went to in the first place. So, this isn't really an appeal, this is just sending it back to the same person. She has another fourteen days, to make another decision, to decide if her first decision was wrong, and that she actually did something wrong, and then she gives it back to you.
After that, you are allowed another appeal. Now, the other appeal is given to Karen Cook, the "patient advocate", quote-unquote, who works for Cambridge Hospital, and is invested in the Cambridge Hospital system, and SHE decides whether to send it on to DMH. If she doesn't, that's the end of the line. And, at this point, it's been two months anyways, because she's got thirty days to do that.
So, the complaint forms, they give you, that they tell you, "Oh, don't tell us what we're doing is wrong, you must fill out the complaint forms." That's not true. They don't do anything. It's utterly pointless. It's to try to make you think that you're able to complain about what's going on, but you're not.
OK. Well, that's the part that I'm angry about. And I've been informing patients, and they don't like it, about the various side effects of their meds, and several doctors have told me to stop it, and I'll tell them, "Show me where I'm wrong." And they can't, because I'm right. They just don't want the patients to know it.
[Partial transcription ends here. This post continues in the comments.]”
Maybe it is psych. Maybe I should just load up on addictive benzos and paxil. Maybe I should go back on 240mg of geodon a day. If geodon doesn't cut it, maybe I can go back on the 600mg of seroquel like I was three or four years ago. It makes everything slow and squishy. While I might not be "cured", at least I won't be able to think about not being cured. In fact, I wouldn't have to think at all, just the fog roll in. Alternatively, I could just go down to Park Street and jump in front of a train. Essentially the same effect.
mellow
depressed
