When I talk or write about my life, I attempt to choose my words very carefully. I attempt to choose my words carefully when I talk or write about anything, but even more so when I talk about my life. Often I am so careful, it ends up double-talk.

I'm concerned with accidentally misleading people, and my life is sufficiently complicated that I feel it would be very easy to do so. If I paint too rosy a picture or make it seem I'm doing better than I am and have progressed further than I have, I worry I'll receive undue praise or admiration or even jealousy. On the other hand – if I paint to bleak a picture, I may elicit worry, charity, or pity that is not warranted.

Of course, I am not perfect and neither is language a perfect tool. I do not always strike the balance correctly. I don’t believe anyone could. However, I endeavour to do the best I can. It is an obsession of mine, although I’m unsure whether or not it is a healthy one.

purpleglitter and I are going to start Project Three Meals together today. I've attempted to do Project Three Meals with another person before – goldmourn, long distance. However, I eat a majority of my meals with purpleglitter and spend a lot of time with her. I think that the follow through will be improved with us working together, we've always made a great team.

Same rules as before:

Three reasonable meals a day and one healthy snack. No more, no less. No junk food. 30 minutes of exercise a day.

Not meeting the goals for one day is okay, just get back on the horse. This is about improving eating and exercise habits, not perfection. However, even though perfection isn't expected it can still be strived toward.

"There is none righteous. Not even one."

This is one of my favorite sayings of the Christian Bible because it speaks to something beyond Christianity, beyond religion. There are no perfect good people. Everyone is flawed and everyone does bad things sometimes. No person on this planet is a holy bastion of goodness. No one. Not me. Not you. No one. Period.

Good is not something one can become, it is only something one can work towards. It is in our nature to do bad things and we cannot be the perfect beings of light, but we can strive for that. We can keep improving and working toward that. We can consciously try to do fewer bad things and more good things. Acknowledging that we have limits is not an excuse to not push those limits.

When one becomes filled with the glory of righteousness and goes forth and fights in that righteous glory, one is deluded. Each of your enemies is made of the same stuff every one of us is. They are flawed, as every one of is of us is.

This is important on more than a personal level. A society or a movement fails when it is decided that unjustifiable actions are warranted against other groups on the basis that those groups are considered evil. It is very easy to consider your enemies evil. Anyone can do it. Therefore, the moral standing of the enemy cannot be a justification for horrendous action.

I found out from the Stop & Shop Pharmacy yesterday that my insurance has refused to cover my new prescription for injectable estradiol, meaning I would have to pay $220/month. That amount is completely out of the question, so I'll be continuing with my old hrt regimen even if it isn't working perfectly. So be it.

i don't really know what to post
and as i have done in the past
i am making a stream of consciousness post to break through the writer's block

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i'm heading to missouri in three days
so close, but the trip doesn't really seem real
i've been running around in a virtual habitrail for it seems like forever
leaving it behind seems unbelievable

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my room is still a mess
i was hoping to have it cleaned before i left
but at this point i don't believe that will happen
depressing, yes
but, i'm not going to freak out about it

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i still freak out about things i shouldn't sometimes
but i recover much quickly from the looping than i used to
before i would be caught in them for hours, perhaps days
now, i get over them in a matter of minutes
not perfect, but orders of magnitude better

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i'm not quite sure where my life will take me
"not quite sure" is an understatement
long term planning is pointless
the path i'm on has been utterly unpredictable
it always has been
unexpected and exciting
the only thing i can consistently say about my life is that it has not been boring
and i guess that is enough
could i really ask for more?

I, like just about everyone else, sometimes make really stupid mistakes. Mistakes that I believe I should damn well know better than to make. I sometimes call them "brain farts" in an attempt to make light of them. I, however, have a difficult time forgiving myself for such errors, even when the effects of them are essentially meaningless. I expect perfection from myself, even though I know that perfection is impossible for anyone to achieve.

I like to say that what other people think of me doesn't matter, because it really shouldn't. However, in all honesty it does. I get embarrassed rather easily and often end up looping over even minor embarrassments and errors for an extended periods. Add to that the fact that I am not neurotypical and don't pick up on cues that would seem obvious to most, and it's a recipe for disaster after disaster.

In bitter places, fed up with trying, sometimes I angrily denounce what others think of me. But that bitter place is still based on their views. Often "their view of me" is simply my perception of how others perceive me, which may or may not even be accurate. If I could truly let go of caring about what others think of me and let myself be less than perfect, I believe I would be much better off. It is a task easier said than done, but one that may be worth attempting.

The maxim 'nothing avails but perfection' may be spelled shorter: PARALYSIS.
     -- Winston Churchill

A person without flaws is adept at hiding them.

it may be time to dust off this old journal
it's been too long since i've been here
i'm still off my meds
i've been enjoying thinking again
sure, things aren't perfect without meds
i'm having more panic attacks
but i am dealing with them
my mood is far less stable as well
but again, i'm dealing with it
i haven't ended up back in the hospital since i stopped taking my meds many months ago
sure i've been very suicidal at times
even going so far as purchasing the necessary implements and formulating a plan
but i haven't done it
while i've had very deep lows on medication, i've also experienced moods much better than were possible before
i feel a freedom i haven't felt in years
and i have an optimism that things are going to get better
it's not an easy road, but it seems like the best one
i refuse to live life as a medicated zombie
and that was what i had become
it has been suggested to me that maybe i just need a lower dose
and that complete abstinence is not the best idea
but i've had it with the pill pushers and the drug companies
i don't trust them at all
i don't want their poison

while my non-medication path seems to be moving along, i need more than that
now that i can think clearly again, i need to figure out what i want to do with this newfound ability
i need a project or a job or something
due to lack of a project, i've been reading the news for hours a day
a decidedly unhealthy activity
i just succeed in working myself up about the latest atrocities committed by the neo-conservative regime
and the new pope isn't helping my mood either
i need to focus on my life right now, but i'm too distracted by the world
i can't work for change until i change myself
i need to work on that first
it's going to be a long process
but i full intend to take on the world in my own small way
right now i'm still waking up from my slumber
this is still the dawn
the daylight is coming

i just had a wonderful realization
i've been afraid of being on geodon because of certain evil side-effects
namely tardive dyskinesia
but without geodon i was in a state of constant mental anguish
even if i develop tardive dyskinesia
i think it's better than where i was
i'm not afraid of it anymore
i can just become a hermit if i need to
i will still be online
little in my life will change
people won't stop loving me
i won't be a social butterfly
but i don't need that
i'm happy where i am right now
not just because of the e
but because i've improved
i don't have to reach perfection
i don't have to remember every detail of my trauma
in fact remember might be a bad idea
why rock the boat
i can live on ssdi
sure i don't have everything i want
and it would be nice to be able to hold down a job
but do i really need anything more than i have to be fulfilled?
no.
i don't
i'm fulfilled enough
my life is good
i just realized that my life is good
i don't have to keep looking for happiness
i have found it

The brain functions imperfectly by design. The brain's functions favor speed over accuracy. By having a many imperfect ideas in a short time rather than a few perfect thoughts, the brain makes decisions faster than can a system designed on perfection. Computers are generally designed around perfection. This makes them tremendously good at some things humans can't do. However, computers are not as able to figure out complex topics like human language. This isn't simply a programming issue, it is a design issue. Computers must be completely redesigned if they are ever expected to truly think.

The room is floating. There are people talking behind me. They are far distance. They are talking about clovers. The door is open and closing. Someone new has entered. They are talking about what state various people are in.

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keeping people happy. everyone happy is hard. i always feel like i need to be keeper of a balance that i can never find. i just want to make other people happy. i don't want anyone to be mad at me. i just want every on be happy. i like people. lots of people. keep them all happy. keep the world happy. i can't keep everyone happy.

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my throat is scratchy

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listening to 80s music.

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gotta take everything they give me. they give me lots of meds. i gotta take them or bad things will happen. i don't want bad things to happen. i take my meds. i not gonna let bad things happen.

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it's lake's birthday. but not really.

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there are things i can't let people know. they tell me not to tell you. they are scared. but i don't know the things you want me to want you to know.

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little things i won't tell you. i can't let you know. they don't want me to let you know. they know you know you want to know.

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need to be perfect. can't show error. must seem perfect. not show errors.

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three dots three dots three dots

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every time

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where am i. i am talking to who. someone out there. far away. or nearby. hello

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I usually don't post quiz results. I find the recent glut of quiz posts highly annoying. However, the results of this quiz thought were particularly odd, so I'm going to make and exception an post the results. It was a tie:


   
See what Care Bear you are.

Does this mean I'm Bipolar Bear?

Ahh.. The night air is cool and refreshing. I love this time of day. Early morning. I will be going to sleep shortly. I'm just sitting here, enjoying the breeze from the fan in the window and smoking my last clovey. I feel blissful and content. Perfect and wonderful. I love this moment.