One of the keys to understanding the nature of things is to let go of the dichotomy of true and false. Just because something is a lie or is false does not make it any less true. Just because something is the truth does not make it any less a lie. That which has never been has always existed. Paradoxes are not paradoxes when one sees that truths can contradict each other because they are also lies.

I made it through a day without caffeine. I've been cutting back more and more each day. Finally, I've cut it down to none, and I seem to be doing alright. My goal is not to give up caffeine completely, just to move it in line with my general drug philosophy: while using a mind altering drug is not decisional a bad thing, it is best to avoid living on mind altering drugs. As I've said before that includes everything from alcohol and tobacco to cannabis to prozac to cocaine to seroquel. And it includes caffeine.

The abortion debate is something I've wrestled with for some time. I've finally developed a philosophy surrounding it that I feel comfortable with.

First, a fetus, embryo, or zygote is as a life. Period. It is not just a random clump of cells, it is a growing and developing life. Its dependence on another life does not make it any less of a life itself — all animal life is dependant on other life.

More that that — a human fetus, human embryo, or human zygote is a human life.

At this point, many of you might be assuming I'm pro-life. This is not the case, I am still pro-choice. Why? Because we still have the right to make choices about our bodies. The analogy I draw is this: Person X needs a kidney transplant or they will die. The only matching potential donor is Person Y. Person Y has the right to choose not to donate a kidney to Person X. There are plenty of reasons Person Y might choose not to donate their kidney, such as fear of medical complications, religious beliefs, or even worry about the impact having surgery could potentially have on their future productivity. While Person Y may or may not come to regret their decision themself, what Person Y chooses to do with their body is their choice and it is not for other's to judge their reasoning or morality in that regard.

Essentially, a pregnant woman should not be required to sacrifice the control of her body in favor of another (in this case the unborn child). To do so is to deprive the woman of her rights to control her body.

"There is none righteous. Not even one."

This is one of my favorite sayings of the Christian Bible because it speaks to something beyond Christianity, beyond religion. There are no perfect good people. Everyone is flawed and everyone does bad things sometimes. No person on this planet is a holy bastion of goodness. No one. Not me. Not you. No one. Period.

Good is not something one can become, it is only something one can work towards. It is in our nature to do bad things and we cannot be the perfect beings of light, but we can strive for that. We can keep improving and working toward that. We can consciously try to do fewer bad things and more good things. Acknowledging that we have limits is not an excuse to not push those limits.

When one becomes filled with the glory of righteousness and goes forth and fights in that righteous glory, one is deluded. Each of your enemies is made of the same stuff every one of us is. They are flawed, as every one of is of us is.

This is important on more than a personal level. A society or a movement fails when it is decided that unjustifiable actions are warranted against other groups on the basis that those groups are considered evil. It is very easy to consider your enemies evil. Anyone can do it. Therefore, the moral standing of the enemy cannot be a justification for horrendous action.

determinism
can i say it is not so?
we are what we were meant to be
it's all been worked out
we've gone through the pattern a thousand times
and a thousand more well shall play this out
nothing ever changes

free will
where is this not?
no force of action
we free to move and shape our lives and our destiny
where we go, we choose to go
we effect change
we are always in flux

neither view is exclusive of the other
the universe is of both place
both "realities"
we are bound to our destinies and the shapers of them
future is unwritten and yet pre-scripted
we can neither change nor can we stay the same

look upon lies, there you will find the truth
look upon the broken, there you will find the hope
look upon nothing, there you will find everything

While I generally like my therapist, I think we've been losing connectivity as over the past several months. Part of it has been that my life has been moving faster than can be adequately worked through in one 45 minute session a week. I end up spending most of the time simply bringing her up to speed.

A large symptom of the lack of connectivity is the fact that she believes I am getting worse while those around me in my day to day life tend to agree that I am doing much better. She has no idea what my life is actual like, which limits the usefulness of her counsel.

What really drove home the connectivity problem for me on Monday was her telling me, "I think you're broadening your thoughts too much.". She was critical of me spending too much time thinking about larger spiritual and philosophical issues, because doing so could be causing a "break with reality". She is wise enough not to suggest psych meds at this stage, as such a suggestion would have been met bitterly; however, I am sure she has not changed her view that I should be on them. She doesn't seem to understand how I need this spiritual process to go forward. That caging and limiting my thoughts was a major problem. That dissociation from the larger issues was a major problem.

I explained to her that although there has been more definable switching in the system lately, that switching is a lesser form of dissociation than the form I am experiencing significantly less often now: exanimate dissociation. I was dissociating from existence. I was not real. While she acknowledged what I said, I am unsure if she was actually willing or able to grasp the concept I was trying to get at.

She has had a habit in the past of accusing me of "disorganized thinking" whenever I bring up a topic she does not understand and the accusations have been occurring at greater and greater frequency the last several months, which has only served to decrease my feeling of connectivity.

It is worth noting that connectivity and trust are not the same thing, and I still trust her. I trust her in large part because she both proven herself to be against forced psychiatry and been a motivated advocate for me on several occasions. If I did not trust her, I would be very seriously considering leaving therapy, while right now I'm just lightly contemplating it.

what is it when this is what it is
would it be so it it were not
surely it wouldn't be so
because it wasn't
or maybe it could be so
if it were so
and not so
at the same time
which actually happens
reality is allowed to contradict itself
whatever reality is
were it not for that reality is shared, how do we know it is real
and how do we know it is shared
we cannot
we just continue to dream
never waking up
a dream
in a dream
wrapped in a tortilla
and served to go

note to self: bad bad bad thing to think about nihilism while stoned.

you can feel thought. thought is all around you. that's what you're touching. the universe is made up of thoughts. you are thinking this whole thing up right now. if it weren't for you having thoughts you wouldn't be reading this thought. you parse this thought. you consider it's meanings and therefore you are thinking this thought.

If there is no point to anything, what is the point of believing there is no point to anything? Why not just believe there might be a point?

The partial program went very well up until the end, today. We had a CBT group, which is something I still want to get into a program for. In the next group we discussed stigma. A normal topic I've been in many group discussions of, but this one took on a much more interesting slant. I like interesting slants.

We also had a discussion in yet another group about the benefits of marijuana. The facilitator was notably unenthusiastic, but me and another patient presenting the same side of the debate ran circles around her. We talked about marijuana being not physically addictive versus alcohol and several physically addictive psych meds. We brought up the fact that many people quit drinking by starting smoking marijuana. Mentioned that something that can help many of us, and has a minimal effect on the body, can't be such a bad thing. That self-medicating is often needed when psych meds fail. The facilitator was hard pressed to come up with anything more than "That's okay, but I don't recommend using marijuana.".

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With how well things were going, I was surprised to find myself at the end of the partial program on the floor scared and shaking and disorientated. The staff people were offering to take me to the psych emergency room, and asked me a lot of questions. I told them I'd be able to make it home, and that Harriette was meeting me there, so they let me go.

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I arrived home at 4:15pm and Harriette arrived shortly thereafter. We had tea and discussed the partial program, how to get me to my intake, nihilism, reincarnation, and ontological wonder sickness. Harriette is a fabulous case worker. I look forward to her visits.

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I got a package from my parents, which contained presents for purpleglitter and me. myenergy told me I could go ahead and open mine. They got me a scarf and an electric toothbrush and a bunch of chocolates. The scarf in particular is wonderful. It's very soft and I've never seen a scarf so wide. I love it. I will be very warm this winter.

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Someone poured Comet all over the dishes in the sink. I asked merryperseis, and she didn't know anything about it. That leaves only the floaters. Mischievous alters can be so disconcerting. I guess I'm going to have to clean that mess up.

Reading essays on Nihilism.

Life sucks, then you die.

The sooner the better.

Unstable is just another word for interesting.

How I would respond to the NOW Reader Survey Fall 2001 if I were a member:

In what contexts are the different terms gender and sex useful?

In a totally objective sense, the terms are only relevant when discussing reproduction and health. However, we do not have an objective existence, we have a subjective existence. In our subjective existence the terms take on much more meaning. Gender and sex describe where one fits into society, and therefore becomes more a than biological descriptions. In fact, biological sex does not have to correlate to ones gender identification in society.

Gender and sex are used for purpose of oppression and forced conformity, but don't have to be abandoned in order to become free of oppression and forced conformity. Gender and sex can be separated from oppression and conformity by accepting that one's gender identification is not related to how that person conforms to certain ideals but what fits best with what they already are inside.

In what way do gender assumptions conflict with who you are?

Gender assumptions conflict with who I am in many ways. They assume that my analytical skills are deteriorated by the fact that I have estrogen pumping through my veins. They assume that I will not stand up and fight for what I believe in, and if I do I'm just being "pushy". They assume that I cannot take care of myself without a man. They assume I even want a man. They assume too much, and I reject them.

In what ways are the terms "gender rights" or "gender studies" helpful and/or harmful?

In the perfect world, "gender rights" and "gender studies" would have no place. Unfortunately we live in a non-perfect world where there is quite a large amount of gender-based oppression. In this non-perfect world gender rights are something that need to be fought for and people need to research gender studies to find out both how we got where we are and how we can get to a more equitable state of affairs.

What aspects of this issue are most relevant to NOW and its members?

Gender and sex are at the heart of why NOW exists in the first place. The issue is entirely relevant to NOW and its members.

What are your other thoughts on this subject?

We need to work towards a world where male and female and all shades in-between are treated equitably and fairly. This is a lofty goal given the current and historic state of things, but not an impossible one.