I just talked to another nurse who works with my primary care nurse and was told that I should wait until tomorrow to see if it gets worse and confirm that it isn't just some other sort of eye irritation. If it turns out to be conjunctivitis they'll send in a script to Walgreens. I won't actually need an appointment at all.

While not without it's tribulations, 2006 was a year of milestones and reunions for me. This was the first year in half a decade that I have spent completely out of psych hospitals. Although I took a couple of my old Ativans to get to sleep at a couple of points, I spent the year pretty much without any psych med prescriptions. I've become closer with certain members of my family than I have been in a long time. I've reconnected with friends long past. I've grown spiritually and even found God. It's been quite a year.

purpleglitter found one of my zyprexa pills in an old bag of hers today. That brings back memories, though not good ones.

I haven't been on that nasty shit for around 5 years. On it, I gained 50 pounds in 2 months, providing me with stretch marks, triggering eating disorders that lasted years, perhaps permanently screwing up my metabolism. All that for the first in a line of zombie pills I was given.

At the peak, I had 7 prescriptions – 5 of them psych drugs. For years I was deluded that some drug cocktails would be the answer. I clung to the belief that they would offer some sort of "cure" or at least would help me get through "it".

Well, at least I learned a very important lesson: the only thing that can get me through "it" is me. Realizing that – truly realizing that – has allowed me to make the progress I have these last couple years. I just wish I didn't have to take all those gorram drugs to learn I didn't need them.

I saw my endocrinologist today. As normal, she renewed my prescription and had my blood drawn. As part of the exam, she asked if I had any leg swelling. I mentioned the oddness behind the backs of my right knee and elbow and that my primary care nurse thought they were lipomas, but that I was doubting that assessment. She took a look at my knee and agreed that there was not a lipoma there. She suggested they might be ganglion cysts, but wasn't so sure because they appeared too lateral in form.

She suggested that I see a rheumatologist for a more specific diagnosis, but that my primary care nurse would have to give me a referral. I told her that I doubted my primary care nurse would, as she doesn't believe anything I say; to which my endocrinologist replied "She'll believe me.". At least I'm getting someone to believe something health related isn't in my head.

I had a terrible time getting off antipsychotics, the withdrawals were so nasty it would have been helpful to be in a rehab clinic for them except rehab clinics don't take patients addicted to antipsychotics.

Sedatives like Ativan or Klonopin can very tempting when experiencing antipsychotic withdrawals, and patients prescribed antipsychotics are often prescribed sedatives as well. However, I found that more often than not sedatives led to a state where I was so tired I was barely able to move but still could not sleep because of the withdrawals. This state was much worse than going through the withdrawals without the sedatives.

I've seen far too many people fall into this sedative trap while withdrawing from antipsychotics and what often ends up happening is they take more and more sedatives until they actually do fall asleep. But by that time they've taken a lot more sedatives than they should have and someone ends up finding them and calling an ambulance. In the emergency room labeled an "attempted suicide", given charcoal, and sent off to a psych hospital where they are readministered antipsychotics. While they attempt to explain to the staff that suicide was not the motivation in taking the sedatives, their explanations are inevitably dismissed. Sometimes they are actually manipulated into thinking they must have meant to kill themselves even though they don't remember wanting to.

My particular battle was with Geodon, but this scenario can play out with users of virtually any antipsychotic drugs including Abilify, Risperdal, Zyprexa, and Seroquel. Breaking antipsychotic addiction is not easy, but being armed with knowledge can help tremendously.

I saw my endocrinologist last night. My testosterone levels are a bit too high, however my estrogen levels are high as well. She thinks that another delivery system for the estrogen will help better. She wanted to give me a cream that absorbs through the skin, but my insurance won't cover it. Instead I will be getting injectable estrogen. I'm going to have to learn how to give myself shots. I need to find a pharmacy that carries the prescription, as Walgreens does not. I'll still be talking my estradiol until I meet with a nurse to instruct me on how to give myself the shots.

Children represent the fastest growing group of users of a new generation of antipsychotic medications, even though the drugs are not approved for their use and serious safety concerns remain. Between 2001 and 2005, prescriptions for atypical antipsychotic drugs increased by 80% among children and teens, compared with an increase of 46% among adults aged 20 to 44. ... In a study published in the summer of 2004, the researchers reported that prescriptions for atypical antipsychotics doubled among Tennessee children on Medicaid between 1996 and 2001. They further reported that 43% of prescriptions were written for children with ADHD or a related disorder as the primary diagnosis, while just 14% were written for bipolar disorder and 9% for schizophrenia or other psychotic conditions. In a later nationwide study, the researchers concluded that 6 million prescriptions for atypical antipsychotics were written for children between 1995 and 2002. Again the researchers found that a large percentage of the prescriptions were written for children with ADHD as the primary diagnosis. full article

Lets ignore for a moment the devastating side effects of antipsychotics such as diabetes, metabolic disorders, heart problems, tardive dyskinesia, and neuroleptic malignant syndrome. Let's just focus on the intended effects of these drugs. Antipsychotics slow down the brain. They make it harder to think and by doing so make it harder to learn. These children are having their brain fogged at the most important time of their lives for them to be thinking. I can't imagine the damage to the intellectual and emotional development of these kids caused by being on extremely powerful mind altering drugs 24 hours a day. THESE ARE CHILDREN, FOR GOD'S SAKE!

The psychiatrists aren't even attempting to claim these children are psychotic. 43% of the children receiving antipsychotics are diagnosed with ADHD. Antipsychotics have nothing whatsoever to do with the "symptoms" of ADHD. The only reason to give antipsychotics to ADHD-diagnosed children is to sedate them. To keep them drugged so the teachers and parents don't have to deal with them. It is a form of neglect.

These children are going to reach adulthood. Due to the drugs they are being forced to take, many are not going to be able to develop the mental and emotional tools necessary to live and function as adults. Not having learned the skills necessary to hold down jobs, many will become dependant on the very system that abused and drugged them. The psych industry is creating a generation of lifetime customers.

I lost my estradiol and spironolactone. They just seem to have disappeared. I can't figure out what I might have done with them. I can't afford to get the prescriptions replaced, and will have to wait quite a while to get refills. I really don't like doing without my hormones. I get really bitchy when my hormones are out of whack. The last time I saw them was three days ago. While I hate losing things, I seem very adept at it.

now that purpleglitter's computer is working again
i'll probably be posting more often
i'll probably be posting more often in stream of consciousness form

i've decided that for the month of december i will not consumer any non-prescribed drugs (alcohol is a drug) with the exception of caffeine.
i want to see how i feel at the end of the month
i want to know how much the various random substance change my system
if i'm not doing noticeably better at the end of december
i'll go back to my old habit
if i am doing better i'll have to rethink if drugs are worth it

it's a beautiful day today
in the 60s for probably the last time this year
it's supposed to freeze tonight though

mind is looping
i hate that
breaking out now
still looping
not really breaking out
now my head is twitching
but the looping seems to have stopped

squeaky olympics

i ate spaghetti-o's and pickles (not together)
i wonder what they'd taste like together though
unfortunately i'm out of spaghetti-o's and pickles
or i would experiment
take a bite of spaghetti-o's and a bite of pickle
chew
hmmm....
i know pickles go well with wafer cream cookies
best with better pickles
ymmmmm....

I can't find my afternoon Geodon. I haven't taken it for about a week, but haven't noticed due smoking pot. Now that I'm not smoking pot, I can really tell, I really fucking need my afternoon Geodon. I don't know where the bottle is. I take 80mg in the morning and evening, but only 40mg in the afternoon. I take 40mg in the afternoon. I can't break an 80 in half because they're capsules. I can't take one because that just means I'll run out early and be in the same mess at some future date. I just have to find the prescription and hope I can get it filled at this point. If it has been less than 30 days after I last got the afternoons filled, I can get it filled again. I have the script, just not the money. It's only three bucks, but I don't think I can make it to the bank. And I might not be able to fill it anyway. I really need my meds. I really hate needing my meds, but I need them.

Yesterday I was rather twitchy in the morning. I took 2mg of klonopin and ended up sleeping all day, except for dragging myself to my psychiatrist appointment. My psychiatrist upped my Geodon again, so now I'm on 25% more then the maximum recommended daily dose (as opposed to the 12.5% more I was on before). After my psychiatry appointment I went back to sleep. Around 10pm I woke and zarthon to take purpleglitter and me to Uno's. Around 1:30am, I took another 2mg of klonopin and slept for the night.

No more funny hat and I'm getting out tomorrow! I'm very excited though I've got alot of work to do. I see my therapist tomorrow, after discharge. However, my psychiatrist is on vacation and I don't know the next time I will see her. But they assure me that they will give me enough prescription so that I will have meds until I see her again.

posted by purpleglitter

I saw my pdoc today. She hadn't gotten my message about having to get pre-approval on my Celexa because she's been out sick. So I still haven't gotten my Celexa. I still haven't gotten my prescription antacid as well, need to call my primary care doctor and see what's up with the pre-approval on that. Today my pdoc gave me a prescription for Provigil. Something I really need as my other meds sap my energy. Well, as it turns out, under Romney Masshealth won't cover my prescription for Provigil, period. Pre-approval or not. And I can't afford to get it on my own. I hate Mitt Romney so much right now. He just squeaked by in a very close election. We're stuck with him for another 2 years.

Just got back from my pdoc appointment. She gave me less klonopin than usual, which is okay, as I never used all the klonopin she gave me anyway. She was fine with me going off Celexa, and stated that it didn't seem that I really needed it, but if I went into a depression she could start me back up on it. She also told me that if I ever run out of Geodon again, and can't get a refill that I could go into the Center Street offices and get samples to tide me over. It's good to know I won't have to go through that again.

Found an old script for Geodon. Got it filled. Took my morning dose. Feel much better.

I lost my Geodon script. I haven't had my morning dose. I need to pick more up. But I won't be able to. I don't know how I'm going to make it through tonight without my Geodon. I don't want to go through the withdrawals, but it looks like I'm going to have to. I can get my pdoc to call in a script tomorrow. But tonight is going to be a rough night.

Finally picked up my Celexa prescription. Haven't had any since I got out of the hospital. I know, I know, me bad. How am I supposed to get better if I don't keep up with my meds. It's just pure laziness. But I have them now. I just took my morning dose. I don't feel any more or less depressed than normal however. I guess that's why I'm so lazy about picking up my Celexa prescriptions: out of all my scripts I view it as the least important.

purpleglitter drove me to my pdoc appointment, which I thought was at 10:30am, but turned out to be at 10:00am. Luckily, I arrived at 10:20am, and was able to at least get in a short session. She increased my Geodon by 20mg, so now I take 60mg in the evening and 40mg in the morning.

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After my appointment, purpleglitter drove me around Mount Auburn Cemetery. It was very rainy, so purpleglitter didn't want to get out of the car. After driving around a bit, the rain let up, and we walked up to the tower. The view of the Boston skyline over the multicolored trees and silent gravestones was breathtaking. The wind ripped past me as I stood on the precipice above the garden of the dead.

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After Mount Auburn Cemetery, purpleglitter took me to Punjab Food & Spices a.k.a. the Chai Café. She bought me a yummy Indian lunch, after which we enjoyed cigarettes together on the benches nearby.

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Last, but not least, purpleglitter's power is back on. Yay!