Yesterday morning, purpleglitter and I got up early to pick up the two cutest English budgies. The rusty cage they were in sucked and there were two cats there were being allowed batting at their tail feathers, but the had each other and to their former owner's credit, they had insisted they not be separated in their craigslist ad. They are so obviously bonded, they are snuggled up against each other more often then they are not. We are calling them Statler and Waldorf.


( +1 )

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Statler and Waldorf home safe and sound, I had to head out to my endocrinology appointment, which went well. It is obvious that my endocrinologist is still not entirely comfortable with me being off psychiatric medication and not in therapy, even though it has been years and I'm doing fine. At least at this point she no longer suggests I go back to either. She did, however, suggest I see my primary care provider. I won't, I don't trust my pcp anymore. However, my endo let slip the name of a primary care doctor popular who is popular with her trannie patients that I'm going to check out switching to.

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After they got done taking my blood, I went over to see Ila. She has been teaching me Telugu script, though the words we've been going over have been Sanskrit. This week I need to practice writing conjunct consonants. I think the script is beautiful and am grateful for the opportunity to attempt to learn it. Ila seems to enjoy showing it to me — which is good, otherwise she probably wouldn't.

I just talked to another nurse who works with my primary care nurse and was told that I should wait until tomorrow to see if it gets worse and confirm that it isn't just some other sort of eye irritation. If it turns out to be conjunctivitis they'll send in a script to Walgreens. I won't actually need an appointment at all.

I believe I have conjunctivitis. purpleglitter noted it last night. This morning I called and made an appointment with my primary care nurse. The soonest appointment I could get is Monday. It's not really that big of a deal, just want it taken care of.

I got a letter Friday from my primary care nurse. The letter was dated Tuesday, the day after I saw my endo. The letter informed me that she set me up with an appointment for an MRI (albeit non-gallium based). I guess my endo lit a fire under her ass. My endo is good.

I have an appointment with my primary care nurse tomorrow about getting an referral to a rheumatologist. The letters constitute a slight change is sea, and I am optimistic that my appointment tomorrow will go well.

I saw my endocrinologist today. As normal, she renewed my prescription and had my blood drawn. As part of the exam, she asked if I had any leg swelling. I mentioned the oddness behind the backs of my right knee and elbow and that my primary care nurse thought they were lipomas, but that I was doubting that assessment. She took a look at my knee and agreed that there was not a lipoma there. She suggested they might be ganglion cysts, but wasn't so sure because they appeared too lateral in form.

She suggested that I see a rheumatologist for a more specific diagnosis, but that my primary care nurse would have to give me a referral. I told her that I doubted my primary care nurse would, as she doesn't believe anything I say; to which my endocrinologist replied "She'll believe me.". At least I'm getting someone to believe something health related isn't in my head.

I've been getting out more, which is good. My cycle of vertigo episodes appears to be waning, but I am still not free of this wave. If I keep improving at this rate perhaps in a week I'll stop carrying a staff or cane with me when I go out.

My primary care nurse has yet to produce the referral to the neurologist I wanted. I have given up on her being of much use and have located on my own a doctor of oral pathology who is an expert on Behçet's Disease as well as a sufferer himself. He should be able to rule in or rule out Behçet's as an explanation for my symptoms. Unfortunately, I'll have to pay for the appointment out of pocket, which will definitely be a strain on the coming month's already tight budget.

I saw my therapist yesterday. I still don't know the point of going, but I still keep going. I have an appointment next Monday. I'm quite ambivalent about it, but I'll probably go anyway. My therapist wants me to keep going, but also wants me to find my own reason to keep going. I am not motivated to search a reason to continue therapy, as I don't really believe that I would find one. Perhaps, if she thinks I should keep going then she should find a reason for me to do so. I feel the whole endeavour is a waste of resources.

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Today, zarthon is taking me to see my primary care nurse. Hopefully she'll give me the referral I want. At the very least, I'll get a flu shot.

After that, purpleglitter and I will be meeting riga_mortia at the Diesel Café. bathofblood may or may not be there.

riga_mortia wants me to go with her and possibly panda_cookie and/or bathofblood to mute_halo's grave tomorrow. I don't think I am physically up to it right now, considering the frequency and severity of the vertigo episodes I've had lately. Even if I was physically able, I think seeing Rob might be something I want to do on my own.

I haven't really talked about how I've been doing lately. The "episodes" have been on an upswing. I have spent the majority of today immobile. This has not been an uncommon day. I don't like this eating into my life. On days I can, going for my walks is an act of defiance. I want to get back to being productive and perhaps be on the road to getting a job again. I am mentally ready to go back to work, but it is not a realistic option as long as I have these cycles.

However, I am making some progress on figuring the problem out. I was previously unaware that "vertigo" has a specific medical definition. The term is much more specific and I believe better suited than "dizzy" for the spells I've been having. More specifically, I am suffering bouts of central vertigo, as it often is accompanied by blurred vision, loss of fine motor control, sensory distortions, slurred speech, and ataxia. The question still remains as to what is causing it.

I have found two candidate conditions: multiple sclerosis and Behçet's disease. Of course there is a good chance that it is neither, but they do give me a direction to go in when I try to get this issue checked out again. I'm going to make an appointment with my primary care nurse (who I think is a bit of a quack) and see if she can set me up again with a neurologist or someone who can properly look into my symptoms. I'm getting quite tired of this.

Out of three appointments I had scheduled for today, my primary care nurse and my therapist canceled. Now all I have to go to today is my endocrinologist. I guess I have much more time today than I thought.

I went back to therapy yesterday evening. It's not my therapist in particular I have a problem with, it's the system as a whole. I think some therapy may be helpful for me at this point, but I am still a bit dubious as to whether I've made the right decision. What really tipped the scale is now that I'm actually getting seriously looked at for my physical issues, I can to some degree afford to talk with a therapist at the very least.

My therapist said that she would help me get the most troublesome and error-ridden parts of my psych record removed. While waiting to sign in, I had noticed in the privacy statement of the Cambridge Health Alliance that I had the right to request any part of my medical record be removed. They then can decide if such removal is appropriate, but if they decide it is not I have the right to appeal to a third party for arbitration. Hopefully it won't go that far, but I'm really looking forward to get the opinions of idiots like Fatima off my record. Hopefully that ball will be fully rolling soon.

We also discussed psych meds. I'm very very dubious about psych meds, but am willing to try another SSRI. I don't trust SSRIs entirely, but IMHO they are the most innocuous of the psych med arsenal. I would also consider something for my anxiety, but the only real options are benzodiaphines and Paxil. I will not go on Paxil, I've known to many people who've gone through the completely horrid withdrawals from it. Sweating, shaking, bugs crawling on the skin kind of withdrawals. None for me thanks. The doctors at Cahill 3 did not want to give me a prescription for benzos because I have a "drug habit". They didn't want to give me a SSRI either, though. They had labeled me as psychotic because I was defiant and caused them hassle. While they gave me Klonopin inpatient and tried to give me Thorazine, they wanted to give me a script for Thorazine. I told them that I'd take meds only if they were prescribed by a neurologist. After much fighting, towards the end of my stay they had the neurologist on call for the unit come up and look at me. They ran a couple test that it took me weeks to get ahold of the results of, and gave me a very small dose of Lamictal. I assumed the Lamictal was related to any potential neurological issues, but I found out at my neurologist's office that on my exit sheets they wrote that the lamictal was for "mood stabilization". He explained that they would give Lamictal to someone who had suspected seizure activity and also needed a mood stabilizer, but the whole thing still seems a bit sketchy to me.

I need to make a couple phone calls today to finalize the dates for my ambulatory EEG as well as set up an appointment with my new prescribing psych nurse. I had good luck with a nurse practitioner instead of a doctor for primary care, maybe a prescribing psych nurse will likewise be better than a psychiatrist.

Another note of interest is that my therapist has not been putting me down as having either DID or PTSD simply as having severe depression. She said that she believes me about such things, but I have not presented as DID in our sessions. That is because over the past year or so I've been fronting the majority of the time and most of the others that occasionally front nowadays are not noticeably different to outsiders. Sure, when someone like Cyndi or Sally front everyone notices. But Cyndi only comes out now on thankfully rare occasions and I haven't seen Sally in quite some time. This seems to be a quiet spell. I'm not sure why and these things are not something I control and even if I could I would not upset what little balance there is now to treat a therapist to a "demonstration".

I will be heading back to therapy next week, because even if I occasionally have issues with her, I've had less with her than any other therapist. I may not agree with her all the time, but she has earned a trust with me. If she doesn't understand something, instead of dismissing it, she researches it. I also do find it helpful to a degree to be able to just let things out in a very free form. She agrees that I was being treated badly at the hospital and that the label of psychotic was applied to me simply to discredit and control me, she is against force psychiatry and has shown that through her actions, she repeatedly states that she believes me, and she agrees that psych meds are overprescribed. Even if she does think that some psych meds would be helpful for me, she respects my decision on what meds I will not take and states that she does not think that I need antipsychotic. I think it would be a mistake to lose her as a therapist, because I am not likely to replace her with anyone quiet so open minded.

I just found a letter from the Cambridge Health Alliance on the kitchen table telling me that my primary care nurse set up the neurology appointment for me. Unfortunately it is the day before Thanksgiving and I'll be in Missouri. I guess I'll have to reschedule the appointment. I need to remember to call Monday. While I'm at it, maybe I can actually set up that long overdue endocrinology appointment.

I went to see my new primary care nurse practitioner today. The appointment went really well.

First, her assistant took my weight and vitals. My blood pressure was on the low side of normal, as was my temperature. Both still within the normal range and both typical for my vitals. My weight was what surprised me. I had gotten up to 230lbs. But that was over six months ago. I haven't been weighed since then. I weighed in at under 200lbs. 199lbs to be exact. Quite a difference. I guess I've been doing a good job with my eating and exercising. I seem to have quit Project Three Meals over the last few days. I think I'm going to start Attempt 7. 180lbs is my ideal weight. It seems achievable in the near future.

After the weighing, I waited about 15 minutes until the nurse practitioner walked in. She went over all the medical history forms I filled out, and actually paid attention to what I had to say. She was very helpful and non-condescending. I felt extremely comfortable with her.

We discussed my issues with dizziness and the pains and the bumps. She does not think the dizziness and the pains are related. She felt my behind-elbow, and said she could feel what appears to be a lipoma, a benign fatty tumor. She said they can be caused by repeated swellings, which may be associated with what is causing the pains the my behind-elbow and behind-knee. She suggested that it is some sort of tendon or ligament problem and that I should try using ice.

About the dizzy spells, she could not identify the problem but is setting me up with appointments with both an ophthalmologist and a neurologist. An ophthalmologist surprised me, but she says there is a chance that the issue is somehow related to my eyes. Hopefully soon the issue will be finally sorted out.

Due to another unrelated issue I discussed with her, I need to also start taking a fiber supplement.

I'm much happier with her than I have been with the doctors I've seen. I feel like things are finally moving forward. I'm still a bit nervous, but am now a bit optimistic as will.

I had my first therapy appointment in almost a month. It went well, mostly catching up on the past several weeks. I'm in a much better place than the last time I saw my therapist. She was very glad to see the improvement. She will also be arranging for me to switch my primary care over to the Cambridge Health Alliance, however I will be seeing a nurse practitioner instead of a doctor. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but I will give it a try.

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Before I got on the bus, I stopped by Brooks Pharmacy. I saw a new product at the counter: Jolt Gum. I picked up a pack to try it.

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I caught the 77 and to my surprise there all the seats were upholstered. Soft, slightly fuzzy, and cushy. An MBTA bus with comfortable seats, who'd have thought it would come to pass. I have a feeling the bus was an anomaly, but it would be nice if it were a sign of the future.

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Back at home, I popped in a couple pieces of the Jolt Gum. Wow! Some of the caffeine absorbs sublingually, so it hits immediately. I started chewing about an hour ago and I'm still wired. I love this stuff. It's essentially chewing crack. Furthermore, it's cheaper than buying caffeinated beverages: the gum equivalent of 6 cups of coffee costs $1.30. I'm definitely getting more.

i don't know what's going on. i seem to be deteriorating. these problems are very debilitation. i'm weary of leaving the house unescorted for fear i'll end up at the emergency room. i saw my primary care doctor yesterday, hoping to get some help on these issues.

the pains in my behind-elbows and behind-knees, mostly on the right side. the pain also appears on my neck and temples sometimes, again usually on the right side. now there is a slight swelling on my right behind-elbow and behind my right knee. i've been concerned about the strange elongated bump on my right behind-elbow that's been there for months, and that is the main reason i saw my primary care doctor.

i've also been having dizzy spells. falling to the ground. i can usually predict that i will no longer be able to walk, and therefore am able to sit myself down gently before i actually collapse, but i often only have a few seconds to do so and therefore must sit down wherever i am, even if there is no seating available. it is better than falling catastrophically

in addition to that, i experience periods of intense panic with the associated physically symptomology. such attacks for me can last much longer than "standard" panic attacks do. many last several hours, and thus are enough to trigger suicidal ideations. i often become disorientated during these episodes as well.

distortion effects occur too. sometimes the screen flickers, sometimes all i get is static. sometimes my audio will go to static as well. occasionally i will smell a strong odor of ammonia when there is no source and no one else can smell it. these are not psychotic symptoms, and instead are classified as sensory distortions. the difference is that i would have to believe, for instance, that the ammonia was really there for it to be considered psychotic.

while frequency, intensity, and duration have waxed and waned, they have all been longstanding issues. they were also separate issues, but lately all those various problems have been occurring simultaneously. in addition to them happening at the same time, the most intense episodes also feature a sharp pain in my chest. i don't know what's going on, it's very weird and doesn't match anything i've heard of.

luckily my doctor offered a solution yesterday after doing an extremely quick examination: go back on my psych meds.

I missed my appointment with my primary care doctor again yesterday. It's rescheduled for August 9th. I really need to see her soon. I think my nervousness about seeing her and about all the financial issues that surround it with Mount Auburn factor highly into my inability to make my appointments. I absolutely need to make sure that I make it in next time. But sometimes that isn't enough.

I did make it to my therapy appointment. I hadn't seen my therapist in three weeks. I was feeling completely out of it. I wasn't really able to keep eye contact while I was talking. Staring at the wall and floor, but never really looking at her. That is actually a problem I have had in the past, but really hasn't surfaced recently. She was not familiar with me acting that way, and was therefore a little concerned.

She told me not to do heroin, which wasn't surprising. I told her how blissful heroin is. How it makes all the pain go away, physical and mental. How it is pure and wonderful. But, that so far all I've had are ideations about doing it. I haven't really had much in the way of motivation. Still, she warned me that recovery from heroin is hard. She said that she'd met several people on methadone, and life was no longer blissful for them. I told her that part of the idea was that I wouldn't recover. I see it as a sort of quazisuicidal act. She asked me to tell her when I've given up and it's all over, which I guess is fair.

She wants me to go back on medication. At least antidepressants. I personally think that my depression in large part is caused by my anxiety, which would make something for anxiety more helpful. Of course she was not going to recommend benzos after the big heroin discussion. However, she is not the person who would be prescribing the medication. I will have a (hopefully new) pdoc to do that. I just need to keep the heroin discussion away from them. Benzos are tricky to get, regardless. Psychiatrists are reluctant to give them out if you ask for them, but will give you insane amounts if you don't.

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It's early. I'm going to head over to my house and try to get some cleaning in before the day heats up too much.

I have an appointment with my primary care doctor monday. I didn't get a new one. I know she will have problems refering me to someone because she is in the Mount Auburn system. But, I can't motivate myself to go through an intake process right now, and she'll at the very least be able to tell me if my conserns are something I really need to take action on. Right now I have no idea what's going on with several different things. The dizzy spells are an obvious consern, but they seem to be waning. The strange inch and a half long shallow linear bump on the underside of my elbow is conserning as it seems to be slowly growing over months and not going away. But, while my mind can think of nightmare scenarios, it may also be a mundane issues. I would ask about my issues with my lower gastrointestinal tract. I've been putting this off for far to long. I don't need to be worrying about things that might turn out to be nothing.

I missed my appointment with my primary care doc this morning. But I made my other two. The first one I made it to was my endocrinologist. We discussed the regular hormone issues and she did an examination. We also talked about diabetes. I have a family history of diabetes and am on Geodon, which increases my risk. She is concerned that my increased weight is a unnecessary additional risk factor. She wants me to see a dietician and lose some weight. I don't know if I want to see a dietician, but I will try to follow her orders about weight loss. One thing she wants me to do is exercise, so every day I'm going to try taking a half hour walk. Furthermore, I'm going to start Project Three Meals again, that's three reasonable meals and a healthy snack. I think I'm going to include the exercise as a part of my third attempt at Project Three Meals. This means no more junk food for me.

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Robin (my therapist) and I went through my record. First she read me Sonali's notes (a therapist I saw 2 years ago). I've improved greatly since then. The difference between then and now made me smile, because if I continue to improve at the same rate, I can imagine where I'll be at in another 2 years.

Next we went over Fatima's notes (my therapist before Robin and after Sonali). There was a shock in there. Fatima thought that I may have "factitious disorder", which means she though I might be faking my symptoms. I'm shocked, because she never said anything about those suspicions to me. Robin said she didn't think I was faking my symptoms and told me that she believe Fatima's assessment was caused by her inexperience. But regardless, it threw me for a loop. I've always worried "what if I'm making this all up?", "what if I'm faking it, even to myself?". I've come to the conclusion that I'm not faking it, but I still worry sometimes. It's a natural fear, because so many people don't believe in dissociation. I don't like that fear, and it hit me right in the face when the notes were read to me. I'm happy I have Robin as my therapist now, who seems to understand these things better.

fuck it. i'm going to get a new primary care doctor through the cambridge heath alliance. mount auburn wants me to call medicare and straighten out my gender so they can pay the claim. i don't need to have that conversation with assholes from the federal bureaucracy. i'm not going to. they can stuff the claim up their ass. the cambridge health alliance would take care of this problem for me. but mount auburn won't, so they won't get paid. i don't care. i'm going to get my therapist to get me a new primary doctor. she's already offered to do that. fuck mount auburn. fuck the federal government. and fuck mr. bush, who's the asshole behind the federal government being assholes. may a thousand fire ants take up lodging in mr. bush's atrophied testicles.