I was in favor of the House resolution affirming that what happened to the Armenians in Turkey was genocide — however, I've changed my mind. The United States House of Representatives has never passed a resolution affirming that what happened to the Native Americans was a genocide. Awhile back congress did pass a resolution of apology in dealing with the Native American genocide, but that resolution carefully avoided using the term "genocide".

That congress would pass a resolution on the genocide of Armenians without dealing with the crimes perpetrated by the United States not too much further back, smacks of hypocricy. At this point I still support the Armenian genocide resolution, but only after a similar resolution is passed dealing with the genocide of the Native Americans. Perhaps, passing them at the same time would be even better. The outcry in Turkey would likely be blunted if we held ourselves to the same standards.

We damn ourselves when we live through demon eyes. No higher power need intervene, we are fully capable of our own downfall. When we act as demons, we create our own hell. No divine judgement or arbitration, it is simply a matter of causality.

This is the nature of sin. This is the nature of good action verses bad action. When we act with anger and hate and greed rather than with love and compassion and understanding, that is sin. When our actions increase the suffering rather than diminish it, that is bad action. And what we reap is a world of pain and hate and mistrust. We are all connected and we share in what we bring forth.

The more I think about it, the more I know Rob killed himself. Over the past couple years, I've found myself repeatedly looking at his last entry, trying to make sense of it. Or perhaps, trying to avoid making sense of it. He rode his bike off that cliff intentionally. He felt dead when he was alive. He wanted to be alive, and thought death was the only way to accomplish that. I hope he found what he was looking for.

I miss him.

"Do I have a purpose?"

"What is the point any of this?"

"Does it matter?"

Individually and collectively these are often driving questions and people take myriad of paths to seek answers. Some throw up their hands and proclaim there is no point or purpose while others plainly see their purpose. Still others will spend their lives looking for that purpose, often tormented by the lack of having one. I for a long time fell into the last category, until I came upon a sparkling thought: One need not know what their purpose is in order to have one.

That realization has been freeing. I no longer search or seek my purpose. It may not be for me to know and from my vantage point it is fully likely that i would be unable to understand if somehow shown. I am part of the weave of the Universe and no part of the Grand Structure is pointless or unnecessary.. Every person's existence has meaning even if they never know what that meaning is.

I've had several people complain about my appearance, saying something must be done. I look to ratty, my clothes are often tattered. I should die my hair or at least brush it more often. Wear lipstick. Do something.

However, I like how I look. I feel comfortable in my own skin. I've stopped trying to fit into a mold or a subculture. I'm exploring my own ground. And while I may get a little down about my weight now and again, I'm finding peace there too. I don't want to go back to being the bulimic stick I was years ago. I might be "overweight", but I'm pretty healthy (well, except for the falling down/seizure/twitchy/dizzy/whatever the hell they are spells).

I don't mind that people think I look like some "crazy woman". I am a crazy woman. I embrace that. It took me a long time to be comfortable in my skin. To be comfortable being what I am. I have come to realize of late that beauty is not about who or what you are, it is about not fighting who or what you are. I'm letting myself be me, and I like it.

I am not saying that there isn't room for improvement or bettering. While I have come far, I have a long way to go still. But as I move ahead I want to add more than replace. I no longer don't want to be me, and those who want me different will have to get used to that.

I have not met one person who is free from hypocrisy, and I will dare to say never will. Of course I, myself, am most definitely a hypocrite as well. I would note, however, that there are two flavors of hypocrisy: intentional and unintentional.

Unintentional hypocrisy is the hardest to avoid. As subjective beings we cannot truly judge ourselves, and therefore often will not always notice that we are sometimes guilty of the very things we rail against. We have no true mirror and therefore avoiding unintentional hypocrisy altogether is impossible. That does not mean that we should not work to minimize such hypocrisy, as it is a source of suffering for both us and those around us. Introspection and meditation can help reveal some of our own unintentional hypocrisy. The best we can do is a partial solution, but it is one worth striving toward.

Intentional hypocrisy, on the other hand, is more akin to lying. It is fully possible to avoid this sort of hypocrisy as it only takes discipline to do so. However, whether it is wise or best to always do so is another question entirely, the morals of which I'm not entirely interested in discussing in this post.

From a subjective point of view, it is often hard to tell if someone's hypocrisy is unintentional or intentional. We cannot know what another is thinking nor can we truly understand how their mind works. The hypocrite in question could be dissociating or otherwise forgetful of their own activities. Alternatively, what seems simple and obvious to you might not be as obvious to someone else. "Should know" does not intention make, although perhaps one could forge a middle-ground when the hypocrite in question is intentionally ignorant.

The easiest way to minimize hypocrisy is to call yourself out. To admit to your own failings as you would point them out in others. I attempt to do this, but again I am not perfect and I fail sometimes. Is this an excuse? No. It just is.

When I was 18 I wanted to have my surgery by the time I was 25. I wanted to get it done while I was young and could then enjoy my youth without having to deal with a body I did not want.

I waited a long time. Now I am 32 and I wait no longer. This is not because it has come to pass, but because I believe it never will.

"There is none righteous. Not even one."

This is one of my favorite sayings of the Christian Bible because it speaks to something beyond Christianity, beyond religion. There are no perfect good people. Everyone is flawed and everyone does bad things sometimes. No person on this planet is a holy bastion of goodness. No one. Not me. Not you. No one. Period.

Good is not something one can become, it is only something one can work towards. It is in our nature to do bad things and we cannot be the perfect beings of light, but we can strive for that. We can keep improving and working toward that. We can consciously try to do fewer bad things and more good things. Acknowledging that we have limits is not an excuse to not push those limits.

When one becomes filled with the glory of righteousness and goes forth and fights in that righteous glory, one is deluded. Each of your enemies is made of the same stuff every one of us is. They are flawed, as every one of is of us is.

This is important on more than a personal level. A society or a movement fails when it is decided that unjustifiable actions are warranted against other groups on the basis that those groups are considered evil. It is very easy to consider your enemies evil. Anyone can do it. Therefore, the moral standing of the enemy cannot be a justification for horrendous action.

I feel very good right now. A lot less dissociated than I have been for a while. I had a cigar then went down to Spy Pond. I sat near the shore and meditated. I have drifted back away from mindfulness in my life, and I have forgotten how wonderful it is to find that place. To look at the amazing that exists all around me.

I do better with short to medium length meditations spread throughout the day than I do with longer ones. No matter how hectic any day is, no matter what else I have to do, no matter where I am, I must do these meditations. They are better than any psych med ever was.

My mind gets lost in loops and I lose the path. I become distanced from myself, those around me, and the Everything. But, it is okay that that happens. It is the way I am. The best I can do is keep to the path as best I can and accept my limits. I am the way I am for a reason, and I must take my problems with my blessings.

When I get overwhelmed by the "hardships" in my life, I need to be mindful that on the whole I've got it pretty damn good. Simply being born a United States citizen in this age and time is having it pretty damn good compared with much of the world. I'm pretty damn lucky.

It is all too easy to get caught up in daily trappings of my life an mind. Too easy to look at what is wrong instead of what is well. This doesn't mean that I should never be depressed or upset, it just means it is important to take care to keep things in perspective.

This is simple concept that is plainly true. There is little effort in knowing these simple truths, the effort is in being mindful of them.

do you think you are so fucking holy that you can leave this place?
do you think you are any less trapped here than everyone else?
there is no way out
there is no escape
because you cannot escape that which you are
and you are this place
you are you and you are the trap
there is no way out
death will not free you
enlightenment will not free you
god will not free you
nothing will free you
you cannot be freed
the most we can do is try to make the best of this place we are all trapped in
because we are going to be here forever
and forever, as they say, is a very long time

I'm very thankful that I ended up in Massachusetts. If I had instead ended up in an AOT state, I'm sure that I would have been forced to keep taking psychiatric medication. I don't think I would have ever gotten to state I am at now if I were on Geodon or Thorazine or whatever other zombiefying medication they'd want to stuff down my throat. My mind needed to be opened, not closed. Even anti-depressants would have hindered the process I've gone through, as their effect is that of a dissociation from sadness. I needed to address the sadnesses, and not feeling them would have prevented me from doing that.

This process is not over. It will never be over. Every day is still challenging. Every day is still hard. But, the hope I have found shines through the difficulty. The brightness has always been there, I simply couldn't or wouldn't let it in. My shell has been cracked, and through those cracks the light now seeps through.

I'm still not ready to hold down a job. I still have to take things in my day to day life slowly. I need to make sure I do my meditational prayers in order to keep myself mindful throughout each day. I didn't keep mindful Saturday, and had a very bad time towards the evening until I went to sleep. I felt a bit Flowers for Algernon that night, but when I woke up Sunday morning I drank coffee and did my meditations. I was able to move back into the place. It is important that I do not lose the path again. The path I am to walk is path I must take, if for no other reason than there currently is no other path that I can take.

I may not ever be able to hold down a "real job" again; but if that is the way it is to be, it is the way is to be. I trust the winds. I am the way I need to be for me to do and see the things I need to do and see. Just as a whale is not able to see the expanse of the ocean from the sky, a gull is not able to see the depths of the whale's realm. Both experiences are gifts and neither the whale nor the gull is the less for what the other can see.

Trying to organize my pictures in the scrapbook, I accidentally set all my pictures to private, including the one I just posted, which means no one was able to see it for about an hour.

I'm always doing absentminded things like that. Every day, many times a day. For example, I had gotten some optically neutral glasses at the Garment District Saturday. Yesterday, I had placed them on my lap while I was sitting in zarthon's car. When I got up to go into therapy they fell off my lap onto the parking lot and the next car to pull into the space crushed them.

In the past I would have beaten myself up over the glasses for hours. While I was a bit sad about the glasses because I so excited about getting them, However, I got over it quickly. I'm keeping my eyes on the big picture. It's not easy to do. I need to constantly remind myself of my place in relation to the All. Remind myself that they are gone, I didn't really need them. There is nothing more that can be done, I cannot undo it. In the grand scheme of things, it is really not that important. And for what small purpose it had, things are the way they were meant to be.

I would have similarly beaten myself up over the images today. Even though they are also of little importance, I would hate myself for the mistake possibly even to the point of self-injury. But, I've grown past where I was and I can see more clearly the loops that I was caught in. I can see that there was no point to the hours of self-berating that I would have undertaken for making the pictures private or breaking the glasses. Furthermore, I have found a method that lets me get out of those self-berating loops. I accept myself, and that is a good thing.

i need to be more forgiving of myself
i get mad at myself for doing badly
and that only makes me do worse
i need to be okay with the fact that i do badly sometimes
let myself breath
if i slip up and purge, it doesn't mean i should look for ways to punish myself
if i end up in the hospital, i haven't been "bad"
i know these things already from an objective point of view
but integrating them into my thought patterns is hard work
but it's work i need to do
maybe i'll talk to my therapist about it
if i can handle a session with her without freaking out
i don't know if i can
i feel so uncomfortable around her
but i shouldn't
she explained what happened the other week
the reason she was trying to talk to others was to get an idea of safety
she wanted to make sure all of us were safe
that's understandable
she didn't mean to pull cyndi out
she didn't even know how dangerous cyndi was
i though she was being reckless
but she was just trying to help
i really need to give her another chance

zarthon and purpleglitter came over Tuesday. zarthon made very yummy chili that fed me and merryperseis for several days. I see far too little of zarthon. I wish he'd come over more often.

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Yesterday dan4th came over. We discussed my conversation with Cyndi. He was very helpful. Again, I see far too little of dan4th. I wish he'd come over more often too.

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I had a very rough night last night and a rough day today. I'm going over and over all the bad things I've ever done and trying to accept them. What I'm really doing by doing this is driving myself crazy. Well, more crazy. I feel like a horrible nasty person not fit to live. Maybe Cyndi wasn't trying to help. Maybe she is just trying to torment me a new way. I don't know, but if that is her game, it is working.

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merrypersies took me out for Indian food at Punjab today. Spicy food always cheers me up. On the way back, I bought a lottery ticket. A few million dollars will be sure to cheer me up too.

Cyndi just talked to me in the mirror. She talked about a need for acceptance. Acceptance that I've done some truly fucked up things in my time here on Earth. That I've never truly accepted that. But it is very true. I've done a lot of things I'm ashamed of. A lot of things I shouldn't have.

She also said that I need to accept that there were others in the body before us. What was here before a few years ago wasn't what is here now. We are a creation. I am a creation. A myth. But that it's okay to be a myth. What matters is that we exist now.The message almost seems to contradict itself in that I must accept things I have done, and then accept that some of those things were done before I came to exist. It's an odd message. I'm not sure what to make of it. Cyndi, as always, is a mindfuck.

I used to hate the size of my hands. People would tell me they were beautiful, but I thought them far too big. A hindrance to passing.

Now, however, I am quite happy with the size of my hands. In fact, I would be elated if they suddenly grew a little bit bigger. My reach is quite good, two steps over an octave. I should be very satisfied with that, and I am. However, there are some chords I really want to play, but my hands just can't stretch long enough. Still, I am blessed enough being able to play at all, and blessed again to have the reach that I do. I shall not lament the missing chords.

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Today, I will probably be playing very little. I woke up incredibly late, and there is much to do. Tomorrow will probably be similar. I will still be running to the keyboard when everything gets panicky, I just can't sit at it for any substantial length of time.