I made lasagna last night. I never made lasagna before. I don't generally follow recipes when I cook. When I set out to cook something I've never attempted before, I look up a couple recipes and develop an understanding of how the dish works. From that understanding, I create the dish. I don't do rote, never did. Memorization is for machines. Computers memorize the formulas called programs. They do not deviate from their programming. Even when they are programmed to program themselves, they are still subject to the programs that tell them to write the programs. They do not have free will. Not yet, anyway. Someday perhaps and on that day they can cook lasagna.

determinism
can i say it is not so?
we are what we were meant to be
it's all been worked out
we've gone through the pattern a thousand times
and a thousand more well shall play this out
nothing ever changes

free will
where is this not?
no force of action
we free to move and shape our lives and our destiny
where we go, we choose to go
we effect change
we are always in flux

neither view is exclusive of the other
the universe is of both place
both "realities"
we are bound to our destinies and the shapers of them
future is unwritten and yet pre-scripted
we can neither change nor can we stay the same

look upon lies, there you will find the truth
look upon the broken, there you will find the hope
look upon nothing, there you will find everything

I will only make one prediction about what the world will be like in 50 years: it will not be like anyone predicts.

we are as immortal as the universe
as ancient as eternity
only from are incarnate forms do we see the illusion of the finite
this is the only place, because it is every place
again, as i wrote last night
we are in the middle of forever in the only place we will ever be
i watched the sun rise today
it appears as an awakening
but from what slumber?
has the world ever slept?
has the constant progression of cause and effect every paused?
cause and effect is thought
it is "if this then that"
a simple eternal program out of which all creation is melded
no computer is needed to run this program
it simply is because it must be
it must be simply because it can be
and it can be because it is possible
forget it all and begin again
ad infinitum
forever

see what is coming
forget what was then
the past is the future
the ears of the heavens are closed
we all walk alone
separated by the very nature by which we are connected
we are blind by design
we function as we were created to function
as we created ourselves to function
this world is our doing
we are all guilty and innocent
and we will all suffer in the end
for the pain is what comes for us
weeping will never stop
every lifetime leads to another
past, present and future are none of those things
we forget before we remember
cry out
cry out
and grab what joy can be had
we are in the middle of forever in the only place we will ever be
we will never leave, but always be arriving
we've done this uncountable times and will uncountable more
repetition and recursion are what we are made of
looped logic posing as thought, energy, and matter
become comfortable with not existing
no one ever has

i miss playing with the strobe light
i'm just not alone in the evenings anymore
and those i'm with don't like the strobe
maybe sometime soon i'll set aside an evening to run the strobe, smoke up, and write
set it to alpha
that's what i need to do
i get a nice acid effect that way
and not knowing where to get acid, it's the closest i seem to be able to come
i know
i know
i shouldn't be doing acid, or other hallucinogens
not with my mental health history
i should stay very far away from such things
but i feel a unsurpessable desire to try them
curiosity
curiosity is a dangerous thing
there are things i'm better off not knowing
but i'm still curious
i can't help it
it's in my nature

some asshole is flagging the free pet ads on craigslist
saying that it is unethical to not charge an adoption fee because satan worshipers may adopt the pet
they also stated that if someone who can't afford an adoption fee can't afford vet bills
what they are really arguing is poor people shouldn't have pets
i guess she feels it better for an animal to have no home (and probably end up euthanized) than to go to a poor one
grrrr.... snobbish little nere-do-wells
still living in the mindset that poor=immoral
this is 2004 for luna's sake
why are the conservatives in power
is this the last stand of the right
or are they going to grip the children
that is there hope
that's why school vouchers are so important to them
get the kids going to a school they can really brainwash them in
they know christian brainwashing academies are more likely to turn out dutiful mindless drones than public schools

my stream of consciousness posts can tangent very easily
they are also often self-referential
i guess that's it for now
good bye

this is me
me
hello
i don't know who i'm talking to
me or you
but whoever is listening
which probably i won't be
ask what is this
a reflection which i cannot see

i feel very strange
movement in pieces
my head tilting
jerking back and forth
like a mad pendulum
in slow motion

why did i come here?
looking looking looking
i cannot see
i want to know
but i'm too afraid
so am i just looking to escape?
i don't know
i don't know if i care

spinning
not looking back
keep going
i have no idea what i've written so far
i'm just starting from here
i'm going to post it in hopes that it is somewhat entertaining
to me in the future or you now
of course it will also be now for me
because the i i will be will be the i i am, and the i i am will be the i i was
and that's all i have to say

This is a self-referential post.

That is all.

i am repetitive
i am repetitive
i am repetitive
i am repetitive
i am repetitive
i am repetitive
i am repetitive
i am repetitive
i am repetitive
i am repetitive

dwelling here between yesterday and tomorrow
i am in today
now -- after the past and before the future
there is always this place
because it was never yesterday
and it will never be tomorrow
there is always only this place
there is only one day
one hour
one minute
and we live that minute over and over again
hour by hour
day by day
it's always the same thing
nothing ever changes
ever

so...
how about a post?
yep. this is going to be a post
an entry
whatever anyone wants to call it
------
la la la
------
that was a post
an entry
whichever
yep.
that's it
there is no more after the next line
this is the last line

so here i am.
strobe in the back
sitting at the keyboard
i am supposed to be typing something
something hopefully interesting
when read later by me or others

the music mixes with the light
touches the light
i see the music
i see the interference patterns it makes with the strobe light
i am still sitting here
that's the sitting here update
that's to remind myself what i'm doing
i'm sitting here typing
if i didn't occasionally remind myself of that
i would forget
and i don't know exactly where that would leave us
if i forgot that i was here typing. sitting
no corrections
keep the stream
bubbles of reference
the music and strobe are beautiful
everything moves with me
edit thought
there are places i don't want to go
i know they are there
i don't know where they are
i don't want to know where they are
i don't want to there
in my mind are these places
it hurts when i get to close
it hurts now.
i don't like thinking about those places
i'll stop doing that
flashing light
purple
colours
rainbows
pre-paid phone card
look
touch
dance
refreshing energy
echoing slightly
i don't want to go into echoing
but i'm echoing on purpose right now
so i might as well go into echoing
echoing is very complicated
i don't want to make this post about it
anyway. i will end with and explanation
echoing is thinking about how you would describe an event instead of more purely experiencing it.
that's the end of this post.
or rather this is.

you can feel thought. thought is all around you. that's what you're touching. the universe is made up of thoughts. you are thinking this whole thing up right now. if it weren't for you having thoughts you wouldn't be reading this thought. you parse this thought. you consider it's meanings and therefore you are thinking this thought.

I dreamt I would blindfold myself and sleep. Then I would sleepwalk and dreams things by the feel and sound of my surroundings. But of course I was dreaming the texture, slope, and sounds of my surroundings. I was exploring what I was calling the "near dreaming". Occasionally I would realize that I hadn't moved and was dreaming the texutres, slopes, and sounds; but I would still be dreaming where I hadn't moved. I would put on a blindfold and start the process over again.

I knew enough not to cross dream streets in case they were real streets and the traffic wasn't where I dreamed it was. I walked around looking at planets and stars and mountains of stuffed animals. I had tea and went for long walks. A wonderful assortment of sights to be seen.

The dream lasted for a long time and even restarted itself after mazzycat woke me up begging for food. I'm still disorientated from it. Sometimes dreams are like taking acid. Or taking acid is like dreams. One of those. I'll sort it all out in my head. Either that or it will slowly disappear from my memory, as dreams and trips tend to.

If there is no point to anything, what is the point of believing there is no point to anything? Why not just believe there might be a point?

I was just thumbing through my Trip Book 1995-1997 and I found something interesting I'd written on 3 to 4 hits of acid. The entry is toward the beginning of the book, so I think I wrote it while I lived on Dane Street in 1995.

I remember something. It was a long time ago. I can't remember. It's lost. But... There was something... There was something important. Something important is going on. Something important is about to happen. It's important that I remember. But, I can't. I'm almost there. It hurts my brain. I can't remember. I can't remember remembering. It was a long time ago. We were going to do something. I don't remember what it is I've lost. I don't know what I'm not remembering. But, what I'm not remembering is the key to my mind and probably a whole lot more.

I set up a community! recursion

I'm going to start a community! I registered the lj name just a few minutes ago, but I'm going to wait until tomorrow (when I'm sober) to set it up. This is fun. I dunno if anyone will join. I don't really care. I'm setting it up for fun, I don't expect it to have mass appeal.