Sorting through some old stuff in boxes and drawers, I found a old Risperdal pill. Seeing it brought back memories, although not good ones.

Found via dkmnow in _psychmedfree_ and antipsychiatry:

People diagnosed with schizophrenia who are not on antipsychotics are more likely to experience recovery than those taking the medication, according to an American study. Over 15 years, schizophrenia patients not on antipsychotics showed more periods of recovery than those taking antipsychotics, states a research paper in last month’s Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease. Researchers reported that, after 10 years, 79% of patients on antipsychotics were psychotic, whereas 23% of those not on medication were psychotic. After 15 years, 65 per cent of patients on antipsychotics were psychotic, whereas only 28% of those not on medication were psychotic. ... The research was part-funded by America’s National Institute of Mental Health. full article

While I don't have schizophrenia, these results do not surprise me after my experiences with Geodon, Zyprexa, Risperdal, and Seroquel. At first I was a believer. I "felt better" when I took them.

Zyprexa was the first with it's horrible weight gain effects. Then came risperdal, then came seroquel, then Geodon. I was given Haldol inpatient a couple times, the only old school antipsychotic I've been on. It wasn't much different than the newer atypicals.

They all made me "feel better" at first. But, what "feeling better" really meant was not thinking. The major side effect of not thinking when you have mental problems is that you can never work through those problems. Working through problems of the mind requires thought, requires figuring out coping mechanisms and how to break old loops.

I definitely wouldn't say I'm perfect at this point, there's still progress I need to make, but I've made so much progress since I broke free of Geodon addiction. Much of what I'm working through now is the damage done by the psych drugs and not the problems I had initially. The point is, I'm able to improve despite my experience on psych drugs not because of it.

I had a terrible time getting off antipsychotics, the withdrawals were so nasty it would have been helpful to be in a rehab clinic for them except rehab clinics don't take patients addicted to antipsychotics.

Sedatives like Ativan or Klonopin can very tempting when experiencing antipsychotic withdrawals, and patients prescribed antipsychotics are often prescribed sedatives as well. However, I found that more often than not sedatives led to a state where I was so tired I was barely able to move but still could not sleep because of the withdrawals. This state was much worse than going through the withdrawals without the sedatives.

I've seen far too many people fall into this sedative trap while withdrawing from antipsychotics and what often ends up happening is they take more and more sedatives until they actually do fall asleep. But by that time they've taken a lot more sedatives than they should have and someone ends up finding them and calling an ambulance. In the emergency room labeled an "attempted suicide", given charcoal, and sent off to a psych hospital where they are readministered antipsychotics. While they attempt to explain to the staff that suicide was not the motivation in taking the sedatives, their explanations are inevitably dismissed. Sometimes they are actually manipulated into thinking they must have meant to kill themselves even though they don't remember wanting to.

My particular battle was with Geodon, but this scenario can play out with users of virtually any antipsychotic drugs including Abilify, Risperdal, Zyprexa, and Seroquel. Breaking antipsychotic addiction is not easy, but being armed with knowledge can help tremendously.

Children represent the fastest growing group of users of a new generation of antipsychotic medications, even though the drugs are not approved for their use and serious safety concerns remain. Between 2001 and 2005, prescriptions for atypical antipsychotic drugs increased by 80% among children and teens, compared with an increase of 46% among adults aged 20 to 44. ... In a study published in the summer of 2004, the researchers reported that prescriptions for atypical antipsychotics doubled among Tennessee children on Medicaid between 1996 and 2001. They further reported that 43% of prescriptions were written for children with ADHD or a related disorder as the primary diagnosis, while just 14% were written for bipolar disorder and 9% for schizophrenia or other psychotic conditions. In a later nationwide study, the researchers concluded that 6 million prescriptions for atypical antipsychotics were written for children between 1995 and 2002. Again the researchers found that a large percentage of the prescriptions were written for children with ADHD as the primary diagnosis. full article

Lets ignore for a moment the devastating side effects of antipsychotics such as diabetes, metabolic disorders, heart problems, tardive dyskinesia, and neuroleptic malignant syndrome. Let's just focus on the intended effects of these drugs. Antipsychotics slow down the brain. They make it harder to think and by doing so make it harder to learn. These children are having their brain fogged at the most important time of their lives for them to be thinking. I can't imagine the damage to the intellectual and emotional development of these kids caused by being on extremely powerful mind altering drugs 24 hours a day. THESE ARE CHILDREN, FOR GOD'S SAKE!

The psychiatrists aren't even attempting to claim these children are psychotic. 43% of the children receiving antipsychotics are diagnosed with ADHD. Antipsychotics have nothing whatsoever to do with the "symptoms" of ADHD. The only reason to give antipsychotics to ADHD-diagnosed children is to sedate them. To keep them drugged so the teachers and parents don't have to deal with them. It is a form of neglect.

These children are going to reach adulthood. Due to the drugs they are being forced to take, many are not going to be able to develop the mental and emotional tools necessary to live and function as adults. Not having learned the skills necessary to hold down jobs, many will become dependant on the very system that abused and drugged them. The psych industry is creating a generation of lifetime customers.

Child psychiatry researchers at Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis have identified a small group of preschoolers who appear to suffer from bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness. The findings, presented this fall at the annual meeting of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, highlight symptoms that distinguish bipolar disorder from other mental health problems in very young children. Diagnosing bipolar disorder in children is difficult because the manic phase of the illness can be confused with the more common attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). The confusion arises because mania and ADHD both involve hyperactivity, irritability and distractibility. These issues may be even more difficult in young children who display some of these behaviors and emotions normally. However, Joan Luby, M.D., an associate professor of child psychiatry, found mania symptoms, as defined by psychiatry's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-IV), did not occur in healthy preschoolers and that three main symptoms distinguished bipolar disorder from ADHD in preschoolers: elation, grandiosity and hypersexuality. ... Researchers are comparing how well different medications and medication combinations work in making bipolar children between the ages of 6 and 15 feel better. Qualified participants are randomly selected to receive either lithium, a drug commonly prescribed for adults with bipolar disorder; valproate, an anticonvulsant drug that has been related to improvement of manic symptoms in a few smaller studies; or risperidone, an antipsychotic medication used in adults with schizophrenia that also is being tested in children with autism. full story

Now that they've gotten a couple drugs through the door, they're going throw the lot them of them down little kids' throats. I don't know how anyone could not see that there is something inherently wrong with giving kindergarteners antipsychotics! I'm sure having tardive dyskinesia in middle school will help their mental and emotional wellbeing immensely. The people doing this are monsters. They have no soul, at least none that I recognise. It doesn't take a doctorate to figure out that the first thing you do with a preschooler that displays "hypersexuality" should not be to drug them into submission. These kids can't say no, someone has to stand up for them! This can't continue. What the fuck is wrong with people!

The partial program was very boring. Very boring up until the point I had an intense panic attack. I don't know what triggered it, but I had to walk out of the group I was in. I walked directly into the coat closet in the kitchen. I wonder if all the recent talk of closets contributed to me hiding in there today. I cannot know.

I hid in the coat closet for a little while, then scurried into the bathroom. In the bathroom mirror, Cyndi started her tormenting. But, Shirley bested her at her own game. Put Cyndi in her place. It was fabulous. No one has ever been able to stand up to Cyndi like that before. Hooray for Shirley! I felt much better after seeing that.

-----

I had to leave the partial program an hour early to make it to an appointment with our pdoc. The appointment went very well. Deborah, Shirley, and I took turns talking. We got quite a bit out.

I was half-expecting her to adjust our meds again, but she said that wouldn't be necessary at this point. The sleep problems I was having have gone way since I started the trazodone. And, while I haven't noticed a difference myself, purpleglitter and zarthon have both commented that we seem to be doing better since we started taking the Geodon. Since I haven't noticed any negative effects of Geodon and purpleglitter and zarthon noted only positive ones, not changing it is probably a good idea.

Didn't make it this time. Wednesday. If I can make it till Wednesday without purging again, then I get my reward: no Risperdal or Lorazepam. Wednesday.

I just purged for the first time in almost 3 days. I'm doing better. I guess my deal is put off until Tuesday. I will beat this. I will.

If I can make it until Sunday without purging, I can stop taking my Risperdal and Lorazepam as long as I remain purge-free. I'm not really playing games with my meds as I haven't really stopped taking them yet as I took them today. I feel like my meds make me gain weight easier, so stopping taking them is an useful motivator to stop purging.

I feel so defeated. I tried so hard, I just can't do it. I just can't have those damn Salt and Vinegar Potatoe Chips in the house. I just can't stop. Why? I'll try again. I have to. I can't stop trying. I might not of succeeded this time, but maybe I will next time. It's so hard. I wish I never started purging. I hate it. I guess I have to take my meds now.

I ate what I view as too much (2 cans of Spaghetti O's), but I just made a deal with myself: as long as I don't purge, I don't have to take my Risperdal or Lorazepam. So, here I go not purging.

Beverly is writing these first in a paper journal and i am typing them in for her. - Lake

Here I am. I am sitting outside of the Westwood Lodge Hospital. I was admitted here yesterday and will probably be here for at least a few more days. Ironic, I was trying yesterday to get out of the system and I wind up further in.

I've been sleeping today and yesterday. A combination of them making me start my meds again and not having any coffee. I've been in bed the majority of the time I've been here but, I'm more awake now.

I like my new psychiatrist. The visit went very well. She confirmed my thoughts on medication, that they don't really help that much with DID. She tested me for side effects to my Risperdal, which I hadn't been tested for before. I turned out fine. She found me a therapist at the same clinic, I have an appointment in a week and a half. She didn't get hung up on our transgenderedness, which is one of the things I was most worried about happening. My initial feeling is that our new pdoc will be someone we will be able to trust and someone who will be able to help us.

I went off my diet again and started taking my meds. Result - 5 pounds in 2 days! That is unacceptable. I'm back on the diet as of right now, maybe even a little stricter. I'm going to keep the meds until I see my new pdoc Wednesday. After I've talked with her, I'll decide wether or not I want to keep taking all the meds.

I just took my Risperdal and Lorazepam. I stopped taking them because I was worried about weight gain, but right now I think I'll risk it. I was much stabler and less switchy when on the Risperdal before. Not perfect by any means, but better than we are now. I'll keep taking all my meds until I get a chance to talk to my new pdoc.

I plan on stopping my meds again eventually. I just don't think this was the best time to stop taking my meds, with all that's happening, macro and micro.

I'm still gaining weight. I'm dieting. I'm bingeing and purging when Lake's not awake (she usually stops me from purging if she's awake). I know the bingeing part isn't going to help, but you'd think the purging part would. I've been exercising. I do eat some. A reasonable amount. Around 1800-2000 calories a day digested. But, I'm still gaining weight. I'm going to decrease my calories again. I'm also going to stop taking my Risperdal. I noticed that my weight started going up when I started taking it. I think it slows down my metabolism. I'm going to stop my Lorazepam as well, for good measure.