The more I think about it, the more I know Rob killed himself. Over the past couple years, I've found myself repeatedly looking at his last entry, trying to make sense of it. Or perhaps, trying to avoid making sense of it. He rode his bike off that cliff intentionally. He felt dead when he was alive. He wanted to be alive, and thought death was the only way to accomplish that. I hope he found what he was looking for.

I miss him.

I saw my therapist yesterday. I still don't know the point of going, but I still keep going. I have an appointment next Monday. I'm quite ambivalent about it, but I'll probably go anyway. My therapist wants me to keep going, but also wants me to find my own reason to keep going. I am not motivated to search a reason to continue therapy, as I don't really believe that I would find one. Perhaps, if she thinks I should keep going then she should find a reason for me to do so. I feel the whole endeavour is a waste of resources.

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Today, zarthon is taking me to see my primary care nurse. Hopefully she'll give me the referral I want. At the very least, I'll get a flu shot.

After that, purpleglitter and I will be meeting riga_mortia at the Diesel Café. bathofblood may or may not be there.

riga_mortia wants me to go with her and possibly panda_cookie and/or bathofblood to mute_halo's grave tomorrow. I don't think I am physically up to it right now, considering the frequency and severity of the vertigo episodes I've had lately. Even if I was physically able, I think seeing Rob might be something I want to do on my own.

i dealt with rob's (mutehalo) death mostly by dissociation. it never seemed real. It still doesn't. It feels like part of a dream and he's going to meet me at the diesel and we're going to walk to my house. on the way he'll give me a cigarette, the only time i really smoked tobacco. we'd get stoned and make out. it was an almost weekly ritual. i miss him. fuck.

i've been smoking a lot of pot since i heard what happened to rob
we used to smoke together a lot
it makes me think of him
it seems somehow an appropriate way to remember him

I keep trying to distract myself from yesterdays events. I cried myself to sleep last night. It's been great looking over LiveJournal and seeing all the people who's lives he's touched. He was a genuinely good person. I want to not think about it and still pretend that he ran off. That's what I had convinced myself of while he was missing. That he had just got tired of everything and ran off. Now it's clear he didn't run off, I want to do simple things that keep my mind off it. Things like watching TV, reading Inside the Victorian Home, and editing my interest list. These things don't work all that well. Everyone is talking about closure. I don't feel like that, and probably won't until after the funeral. I want to pay my last respects. Then I'll feel closure.

Rob (mutehalo) was a good person. He was kind to everyone, didn't have a mean bone in his body. I've missed him since he went missing in August and they found him at the bottom of a cliff yesterday. Apparently he was riding his bike in the woods and went off the side of it. It was an accident. In that I was glad. I was worried something more sinister happened to him. At least it was quick. Goodbye Rob. You are missed. You are loved. Always.

Rob is dead.

it's been an adventurous night
but i'm left with a empty feeling
a feeling of missing
missing rob fisher
nobody has heard from him for almost two weeks
not his work
not his parents
not his friends
nobody
i'm very worried about him
i hope he's okay
that he's safe somewhere
i want him to hold me in his arms again
the last couple times we saw each other i was stand-offish
it had nothing to do with him
just my own little head games
i hope he is safe tonight
where ever he is

Spent the night at mutehalo's birthday party. I had a pretty good time even though getting here was a bitch on the commuter rail. I have more respect for the trips mutehalo makes out to my house now that I have made the commute. mutehalo has been a wonderful host, and has already given me breakfast and coffee. I just wish I knew he had a pool before I came, I would have brought something to swim in.

publicoenone picked up the malibu mango rum for me
as i was having trouble walking
and she was on her way to the liquor store anyway
her condition was that i have a good time with it
and not use it to further go down in my hole
so in that spirit i'm having a great time hanging out with mutehalo
i'm actually quite happy drunk right now
how different i feel than just an hour ago

i fell down again
after a talk with george
stressing paying the rent on time
i'm afraid he's going to evict us if things don't shape up
and i don't know how things are going to shape up
i just froze in front of walgreens
luckily mutehalo was there to shoo people away
so i didn't get taken to the hospital
i'm afraid if this keeps up i won't be able to leave the house alone
i refuse to live like that
trapped
everything is collapsing
i'm going to get drunk tonight
i spent the rest of the money i have until the 2nd on some alcohol
stupid, i know
but right now i'm in a space that i don't care
i'm accused of being self-destructive
might as well prove them right
fuck it all

I am a member of 2 cliques of size 7

• neitherday, purpleglitter, panda_cookie, mutehalo, bathofblood, sk3, riga_mortia


• neitherday, purpleglitter, panda_cookie, mutehalo, bathofblood, sk3, surrender_to_me

Find the largest clique containing:

(Enter your livejournal username here).

Essentially they're the same clique as riga_mortia == surrender_to_me

mutehalo came over yesterday. We walked around Arlington, then came back to the house_of_clocks to smoke pot and watch Repo Man. I haven't watched Repo Man since I was 12. It was definitely a different experience watching it this time.