I want to lie down. But, lying brings sleeping and sleeping brings waking and waking is not good at all. My falling down/seizure/dizzy/whatever the hell they are spells are particularly intense and particularly nasty upon waking and I attempt to limit waking to once a day — even a half-minute of slumber can be enough to set things off.

I've had several people complain about my appearance, saying something must be done. I look to ratty, my clothes are often tattered. I should die my hair or at least brush it more often. Wear lipstick. Do something.

However, I like how I look. I feel comfortable in my own skin. I've stopped trying to fit into a mold or a subculture. I'm exploring my own ground. And while I may get a little down about my weight now and again, I'm finding peace there too. I don't want to go back to being the bulimic stick I was years ago. I might be "overweight", but I'm pretty healthy (well, except for the falling down/seizure/twitchy/dizzy/whatever the hell they are spells).

I don't mind that people think I look like some "crazy woman". I am a crazy woman. I embrace that. It took me a long time to be comfortable in my skin. To be comfortable being what I am. I have come to realize of late that beauty is not about who or what you are, it is about not fighting who or what you are. I'm letting myself be me, and I like it.

I am not saying that there isn't room for improvement or bettering. While I have come far, I have a long way to go still. But as I move ahead I want to add more than replace. I no longer don't want to be me, and those who want me different will have to get used to that.

For breakfast yesterday I had a veggie burger with basil mozzarella cheese and barbecue sauce; for lunch I had pizza balls with basil mozzarella, faux ham, and faux turkey topped with parmesan cheese; for dinner I had spaghetti in pizza sauce with parmesan cheese; for my healthy snack I had cashews.

Food went well, but I only got half of my half hour of exercise in with a walk up to Arlington Center and back in last evening's thunderstorm. Getting in my exercise is going to be hard right now because I've been having lots of wobbly/dizzy/fally/seizurey/whatever-the-hell-who-knows-the-doctors-apparently-don't episodes, but I will not let that be an excuse. I will continue to try to make Project Three Meals work. I refuse to let this crap control my life.

I've been having falling/dizzy spells/seizure/whatever the fuck it is issues again. I've had felt a bit more wobbly over the last week, but it's really spiked the last couple days. According to merryperseis, my eyes dilated at the beginning of the episode on the bus coming home from the North End on Friday. This does not surprise me, as one of the major symptoms of the episodes is muscle weakness and poor coordination which often makes eye focus difficult, so eye dilation would make sense. However, as this is only time eye dilation has been noted in conjunction with one of these episodes, and I would prefer it to be noted again to designate it as a symptom instead of as a coincidence.

Yesterday was much worse than Friday. My morning walk an with taiaselene was without incident. I was fine until the afternoon, which went horribly. An incident that while waxing and waning lasted for well over an hour. There was in addition another significant episode in the evening, though shorter and less severe than the afternoon one.

Of course, there is no way of really knowing where this is going and when the cycle will wane again. I am using a cane/staff again when I go out and will until this bares itself out. I will not let these episodes keep me from going for my walks and other outdoor activities. I refuse to let this control my life. Sure, that increases the chance that I might be sent to the emergency room by the unduly worried — but that just means I'll have an opportunity for a cathartic release of anger at whatever asshole doctor I get. Works for me.

Food perfect. For breakfast I had spaghetti in tomatoe sauce with spinach and parmesan cheese; for lunch I had Spanish rice with faux pork; for dinner zarthon took me out to Rudy's where I had enchiladas verdes, chili con queso, and jalapeño poppers; for my healthy snack I had a caffeinated cliff bar. I wanted to walk home from Rudy's for my exercise, but both zarthon and purpleglitter were very much against the idea because of the number of spells I've been having lately. They insisted I ride home with them, which I did. Sooner or later I'm just going to have to say fuck it and get in my exercise regardless of the spells. I have to live my life, and that means taking risks.

I have been using my staff/cane to get around again. The gorilla glue works well holding it together, but fails when the staff is subjected to lateral forces. To strengthen the break in this regard, I tightly wound twine around it. I then coated the twine with wood glue to keep it from unraveling. I'm contemplating staining the twine, because it is much lighter than the rest of the staff. I have the stain, I just haven't decided if I want to.

I've been getting comments that my staff looks like a shillelagh. I have heard "Nice shillelagh." several times the past couple days. While I never intended it to be a shillelagh, the comparison is oddly pleasing to me.

Consciousness exists on many levels just a few of which are the human level, the species level, the planet level, and the All. The consciousness of any level cannot be understood by those on a smaller level. No one human can understand the consciousness of the human race, just as a neuron cannot understand the consciousness of the brain.

We seem poised on the brink of a all-out holy war, one which could engulf the world and unleash the destructive powers that the modern technologies of death afford. This may fade or this may explode. Either way, it shows just how short the fuse is and how small a spark is needed to light it.

Humanity is convulsing. It is in a seizure. When will these fits break? How much suffering must the human race go through before we collectively wake up. The human race is ill, and our darkest hours may lie ahead.

But, when this fever breaks, where will we be? I believe we will be at a place so wonderful that the attributes of it are beyond current comprehension. The Happening that is the Becoming has been going on for thousands, perhaps millions, of years, and may take thousands more to resolve. But that day will come, and even if we as individuals do not live to see that Wondrous Dawn, we are part of the Becoming and that is a great thing.

these "episodes" "dizzy spells" "seizures"
whatever the fuck they are to be called
they are being more defined now by when they aren't happening than when they are
i am not having good days
i am just barely making it
the razors, the pills, the trains
all seem more tempting
but tuesday is just 4 days away
promise and pessimism there meet
if he cannot help me
if he cannot say what is
then there will be no reason to believe this decent will not continue
but he may be able to give me a magic pill
a way out of this spiral
a salvation in a bottle

four days
live
die
hope
forget
breathe
release

I found out in therapy Monday that I will be seeing a prescribing nurse and not a psychiatrist. The administrative assistant at the psychopharmacology office was incorrect. That makes me feel more comfortable with the upcoming appointment.

Even so, therapy covered some difficult ground and I've been actively dissociating from it all week. Said some things that were literally hard to say, and I don't want to say them again. Sometimes I leave my therapy sessions in a better state then when I went in, sometimes I leave in a more unstable state. I know while the latter sessions are unpleasant, they are necessary to progressing toward a more healthy me. Well, at least theoretically necessary.

I wish my EEG occurred this week, I've had much more numerous and intense episodes. Stress trigger, yes. From what I've gathered the most probably non-psych outcomes of the EEG are some form of seizure disorder or some form of narcolepsy (possibly cataplexy). If I had a choice, and I were to base that choice solely on what meds are used to treat it, I'd say narcolepsy hands down.

Child psychiatry researchers at Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis have identified a small group of preschoolers who appear to suffer from bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness. The findings, presented this fall at the annual meeting of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, highlight symptoms that distinguish bipolar disorder from other mental health problems in very young children. Diagnosing bipolar disorder in children is difficult because the manic phase of the illness can be confused with the more common attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). The confusion arises because mania and ADHD both involve hyperactivity, irritability and distractibility. These issues may be even more difficult in young children who display some of these behaviors and emotions normally. However, Joan Luby, M.D., an associate professor of child psychiatry, found mania symptoms, as defined by psychiatry's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-IV), did not occur in healthy preschoolers and that three main symptoms distinguished bipolar disorder from ADHD in preschoolers: elation, grandiosity and hypersexuality. ... Researchers are comparing how well different medications and medication combinations work in making bipolar children between the ages of 6 and 15 feel better. Qualified participants are randomly selected to receive either lithium, a drug commonly prescribed for adults with bipolar disorder; valproate, an anticonvulsant drug that has been related to improvement of manic symptoms in a few smaller studies; or risperidone, an antipsychotic medication used in adults with schizophrenia that also is being tested in children with autism. full story

Now that they've gotten a couple drugs through the door, they're going throw the lot them of them down little kids' throats. I don't know how anyone could not see that there is something inherently wrong with giving kindergarteners antipsychotics! I'm sure having tardive dyskinesia in middle school will help their mental and emotional wellbeing immensely. The people doing this are monsters. They have no soul, at least none that I recognise. It doesn't take a doctorate to figure out that the first thing you do with a preschooler that displays "hypersexuality" should not be to drug them into submission. These kids can't say no, someone has to stand up for them! This can't continue. What the fuck is wrong with people!

I went back to therapy yesterday evening. It's not my therapist in particular I have a problem with, it's the system as a whole. I think some therapy may be helpful for me at this point, but I am still a bit dubious as to whether I've made the right decision. What really tipped the scale is now that I'm actually getting seriously looked at for my physical issues, I can to some degree afford to talk with a therapist at the very least.

My therapist said that she would help me get the most troublesome and error-ridden parts of my psych record removed. While waiting to sign in, I had noticed in the privacy statement of the Cambridge Health Alliance that I had the right to request any part of my medical record be removed. They then can decide if such removal is appropriate, but if they decide it is not I have the right to appeal to a third party for arbitration. Hopefully it won't go that far, but I'm really looking forward to get the opinions of idiots like Fatima off my record. Hopefully that ball will be fully rolling soon.

We also discussed psych meds. I'm very very dubious about psych meds, but am willing to try another SSRI. I don't trust SSRIs entirely, but IMHO they are the most innocuous of the psych med arsenal. I would also consider something for my anxiety, but the only real options are benzodiaphines and Paxil. I will not go on Paxil, I've known to many people who've gone through the completely horrid withdrawals from it. Sweating, shaking, bugs crawling on the skin kind of withdrawals. None for me thanks. The doctors at Cahill 3 did not want to give me a prescription for benzos because I have a "drug habit". They didn't want to give me a SSRI either, though. They had labeled me as psychotic because I was defiant and caused them hassle. While they gave me Klonopin inpatient and tried to give me Thorazine, they wanted to give me a script for Thorazine. I told them that I'd take meds only if they were prescribed by a neurologist. After much fighting, towards the end of my stay they had the neurologist on call for the unit come up and look at me. They ran a couple test that it took me weeks to get ahold of the results of, and gave me a very small dose of Lamictal. I assumed the Lamictal was related to any potential neurological issues, but I found out at my neurologist's office that on my exit sheets they wrote that the lamictal was for "mood stabilization". He explained that they would give Lamictal to someone who had suspected seizure activity and also needed a mood stabilizer, but the whole thing still seems a bit sketchy to me.

I need to make a couple phone calls today to finalize the dates for my ambulatory EEG as well as set up an appointment with my new prescribing psych nurse. I had good luck with a nurse practitioner instead of a doctor for primary care, maybe a prescribing psych nurse will likewise be better than a psychiatrist.

Another note of interest is that my therapist has not been putting me down as having either DID or PTSD simply as having severe depression. She said that she believes me about such things, but I have not presented as DID in our sessions. That is because over the past year or so I've been fronting the majority of the time and most of the others that occasionally front nowadays are not noticeably different to outsiders. Sure, when someone like Cyndi or Sally front everyone notices. But Cyndi only comes out now on thankfully rare occasions and I haven't seen Sally in quite some time. This seems to be a quiet spell. I'm not sure why and these things are not something I control and even if I could I would not upset what little balance there is now to treat a therapist to a "demonstration".

I will be heading back to therapy next week, because even if I occasionally have issues with her, I've had less with her than any other therapist. I may not agree with her all the time, but she has earned a trust with me. If she doesn't understand something, instead of dismissing it, she researches it. I also do find it helpful to a degree to be able to just let things out in a very free form. She agrees that I was being treated badly at the hospital and that the label of psychotic was applied to me simply to discredit and control me, she is against force psychiatry and has shown that through her actions, she repeatedly states that she believes me, and she agrees that psych meds are overprescribed. Even if she does think that some psych meds would be helpful for me, she respects my decision on what meds I will not take and states that she does not think that I need antipsychotic. I think it would be a mistake to lose her as a therapist, because I am not likely to replace her with anyone quiet so open minded.

I saw my neurologist today. He actually took me seriously. He said my symptoms could be a seizure disorder, but could also be the result of other things. The only way to tell definitively is an ambulatory EEG, which will probably happen in 3-4 weeks.

I know lately I've been calling my episodes seizures, and I really shouldn't be at this point. I haven't really known what else to call them, because no one would listen to me saying that something is going wrong. Now, maybe I can get a more definitive answer of what is going on.

I'm both worried and hopeful about this. I'm worried that it will indeed turn out to be psychological. Worried that everything I've done is wrong. Worried that I'm just completely nuts and wasting everyone's time. At the same time I'm hopeful that even if it is psychological or a seizure disorder or a sleep disorder (which he said was another possibility) or something else entirely, at least I'll know what's going on and be able to work on fixing it. Finally movement. Movement is scary, but it is also necessary.

i see my endocrinologist yesterday. since she is in the same hospital system, she looked up my eeg results for me. they came back normal. i'm not very hopeful about my upcoming neurology appointment tomorrow. even though it often takes a series of eegs to find seizure activity, with the problems i already have had with people dismissing me because of my psych record i'm almost convinced that it will inevitably happen again tomorrow. i don't even feel like going at this point. i'm processing so many things right now to deal with another asshole in the medical system. however, if i don't go i might not have another shot for a long time.

my endocrinologist stated that she was hesitant to give me my scripts if i wasn't seeing a therapist and told me she was concerned that i didn't want to take the psych meds the doctors on the psych ward wanted to give me. i reminded her that she had given me scripts before when i was without therapy and she did end up writing them.

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i had canceled my thanksgiving trip to missouri as i did not think with my current problems that i should be flying. not because i think the traveling itself would be unsafe; but because with me twitching, falling to the ground, and becoming unresponsive i might attract a large degree of unwanted attention from airport security. couple that with being a left-wing radical tranny and i'd in for a bad time.

i am not going to attempt to go to my grandmother's funeral in chicago. even if i wasn't concerned about security, i neither have the means or a stable enough mental state to make the trip.

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my therapist called this morning asking if my decision to quit therapy was firm. i wasn't feeling particularly together when she called and couldn't really give a definitive answer to her. she is going to call me monday to check in on me and find out if i've changed my mind. i'm torn, because while therapy might be a good thing right now, being involved with the psych system is negatively impacting my medical care. i'm not quite sure what path to take on anything right now. everything seems to be stirred up, inside and out. i need to get away from everything.

Thursday night I went for a walk around 11:30. I made it to Arlington Center and ended up feeling very uncoordinated. I sat on the concrete side of a planter. I became very creeped out. There were a few small groups milling about and I was becoming concerned. I couldn't really defend myself or attempt to escape if someone decided to attack me. I really just wanted to get home. I didn't like the situation, and my instinct were telling me I needed to get to safety as soon as possible. I got up before I was really ready to and attempted to cross the street and ended up on the median for about 10 minutes. I really didn't like being there, because you become much more visible when you are on the ground and being on the ground on the median enhances that more. I did manage to get off the median eventually and crossed the rest of the street. I saw a bus coming when I got to the sidewalk but was unable to make it the rest of the way to the bus stop. After another 10 or 15 minutes, an officer approached me, then another. They asked me if I'd been drinking or doing drugs. I hadn't. The fire department arrived quickly after the officer called in a "rescue". The fire department paramedic said it looked like I was having a seizure. At least someone's looking. The non-fire department ambulance that was to take me away took a long time in arriving. By the time it did, I was feeling coordinated enough to walk well. However, the police did not want me walking home, and since they could not give me a ride, insisted that I go with the ambulance. For some reason, after I was loaded into the ambulance, another arrived and they decided it would be better for me to go in that one. In the process of moving from on to the other, purpleglitter found me. Even though the police were gone, the ambulance paramedics decided it was acceptable for her to take me home as the main concern was me walking. I really didn't want to have to deal with the emergency room staff being upset at my audacity to come in again, so I was quite happy for the ride. I may try to confine my walks to safer hours for the time being.

My therapist called me yesterday. She asked me if I was on any medications and if I had any follow-up appointments. I told her that I see a neurologist on the 23^rd or 24^th. She then asked as if shocked, "Why would you be seeing a neurologist?"! Um, my desire to see a neurologist has been a major topic in therapy for some time now. She's either not paying attention or not taking my medical issues seriously. I believe it is more likely the latter and she falls into the "All your problems are psychological" camp. I have an appointment to see her Monday at 5:15, but I'm not that enthusiastic about doing it. I know I probably should have some sort of therapy, but I'm not sure I trust anyone in the psych system at this point.

When I arrived home from the asylum, I found a letter stating that I had yet another overdraft charge. I seem to be utterly incapable of keeping track of my balance and the $25 fees add up. I decided that I should just cash my SSDI check instead of depositing it and handle things in cash. I headed out to Arlington center, and only fell once on my way there and was able to get up quickly. I did end up sitting on a bench for 15 minutes shortly thereafter waiting to regain my coordination.

My first stop was Leader Bank. There I was told that since they are not publicly traded they are exempt from being required to cash treasury department checks for non-customers. No luck. I went on to Bank of America. There I was told as a non-customer I had to have two forms of identification for them to cash the check. I only had my licence with me. Strike two.

I decided to try my luck at Cambridge Savings Bank. I knew my account was negative there, but I hoped they would cash my with just one form of identification anyway. The teller told me the system wouldn't let her do it because my account was overdrawn. I asked by how much, and it was only $3.76. Aparently I had a little over $20 in the account when the overdraft fee hit. Seeing as the amount was so small, I told her to take the $3.76 out of the check, cash my check as a customer with one form of identification, then close my account. She did, and I'm now done with banks (except what will be my monthly trip to cash my check).

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purpleglitter drove me to my therapy appointment at 5:15. I signed in at the front desk and waited. 5:30, no therapist. The receptionist paged her. 5:45, no therapist. The receptionist paged her again, then noted that my appointment time was actually at 6:00 and not my normal time, and that's probably why my therapist wasn't responding. I had things to do, so I just left.

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purpleglitter dropped me off at the corner and went up to her house to bake merryperseis's birthday cake. I fell heading from the corner to my house, spilling my Monster. Several people asked if I was okay, but no one called anyone on me. I got back in the house and ended up lying in bed for some stupid reason and fell asleep. I drifted in a