“Good morning livejournal! This is neitherday, live from the madhouse. Apparently our protest worked. My friend in the wheelchair was transferred to another unit and is being treated very nice now. And is actually feeling like a human, and getting the care she needs. And on this unit, it looks like I'm getting the neurological work-up I need. I had a CAT scan today already. I will be getting an EEG, a sleep-deprived EEG, either tomorrow or Wednesday...I mean tomorrow or the next day, I think tomorrow is Wednesday, actually, so...Wednesday or Thursday I'll be getting a sleep-deprived EEG. I'm also meeting with a neurologist at some point today and then I will meet with neurologist again after the EEG. So things are actually getting done. On the medication front, I had to agree to take some medication, so...today, right now I'm on Klonopin. They tried to put me on Thorazaine, and I'm *not* going on Thorazine. No way. Thorazaine is the nastiest, the worst, the first, nastiest, and worst, and I'm not going on it. In fact, I'm not going on any antipsychotics. We're going to discuss what further meds. I told them I would consider an antidepressant, and they're suggesting I go on a mood stabilizer like Depakote or Lithium. I'm definitely not going on Depakote, but I told them I would discuss the option of Lithium, although somehow I think I'm not going to go ahead with it. And I don't like the idea, so they're going to have to put together a *really* good argument about why I should take Lithium. We'll see how that goes. I probably won't be making another post today, and I may not be making another post tomorrow, though I may if there's something important to say. Because I don't know how long I'm going to be here, and I only have 15 posts this whole month of November. And since they use Greenwich Standard Time for deciding when the month begins, my last post last night fell after midnight Greenwich Standard Time and it counts towards the month of November. So this is my second post this month, and there's 30 days in the month, so, with just 15 posts, I *really* have to start rationing. I don't anticipate being here all month, but I also don't want to run out of posts, so... The three posts a day thing is going to end. Well, actually it's been two posts the last few days, but you get what I'm saying. I have to strongly ration the amount of posts I make. If there's something important to say that I don't feel like making a voice post, I may have purpleglitter post them for me. She'll transcribe as I talk on the phone to her. It's a little more complicated to do it that way, but it may be what has to be done. I much prefer doing the phone posts. But things are looking a lot better here. I'm feeling a lot better about my care. One big issue still is that they haven't let me shave for...they didn't me shave yesterday and they still haven't let me shave today because I'm on zero sharps because I cut Sunday. And I really need to shave. I've been trying to explain, I have the right to use the woman's room. And one of their excuses was patient discomfort. So whether or not they let me shave, I'm going to still use the woman's room. I'm trying to explain to them that if I can't shave, and my facial hair starts growing out, the women in the women's room are going to be more uncomfortable, and that's going to cause more of an issue. So I'm taking the tact that this is not only about me and my appearance and my needing to shave, it's also about other patients' comfort with me, and that the comfort level of other people on the unit is going to be affected if they don't let me shave, so... Just wanted to say, our protest worked, things have improved, and hopefully I'll be out of here this week, though I can't guarantee it. My goal is to be out Friday, we'll see what happens. And hopefully I will see you on the outside some day. That is all.”

supremegoddess1

“I met with my team this morning. That's the group of treaters that I see, or am supposed to see, every morning. It's a group of five or six people: a doctor, a social worker, a nurse, a counselor, a pharmacology person, whoever else they have. You explain yourself to them as they question you and then... They have decided that since i am feeling like i don't care about hurting myself now, they want to figure out why didn't i do it before - since i haven't actually cut myself in a - quite a while - and the reason is what I'm going to give them. They told me to write an essay, and what i have is: The reason i didn't cut before is that i didn't want people mad at me. and right now, i, i, sort of view cutting as an action that really, i shouldn't be worried if people are mad at me. It's my own thing, i don't... it's me, if i want to cut, then i should be able to, even though, you know, it's not good for me. It's obviously not a healthy choice, but I'm, I'm beyond caring about healthy at this point.
And I guess that's why I'm here, is that I don't really care about healthy. But i don't think that they're going to convince me to care about being heathy in four days. Because... I'm just drifting far enough off that... i don't know, i feel like I'm going to self-destruct. And, you know, there... the stuff they tell me here is not helping. I mean, they tell me that i should just choose to be happy, or i could take their happy meds, or their zombie meds, or whatever the hell other meds they want to give me, which I'm telling them, no, I'm not going to take them. And i may take a happy med, i don't know, but two weeks, i don't even want to last that long, you know, it's just... I'm done with things. And... *sigh*... maybe i will, maybe i won't, I'm just kind of ambivalent. Well, not kind of, there's a qualifier, i keep using qualifiers, i AM ambivalent, not kind of.
I also have to watch my verbal pauses. "Like", "um", "uh", "oh", those things. My, uh, English - see, there's a verbal pause, right there. My English teacher, um - actually, there's another verbal pause. She would be yelling at me. Whenever we'd be in the middles of a speech, giving something to the class - this is speech class - um.... Again, verbal pause. She would break you of the habit., In the middle of your speech, she would yell, "No verbal pauses!" And, you stopped making verbal pauses.
But, back on the topic of here, they have these fun things in morning meeting, they read from this book of sappy dreaming quotes of, like - again, verbal pause; I've got to stop that. But... they read from this list of this book, it's like, so sappy. And i get sappiness from all the staff. I mean, the shit they spew, the amount of shit they spew, I can feel their light shining out my asshole. You know, it's too happy. And I'm, I'm just - it's not really making much of an impact on me. And... talking to the other patients this time is not the same as it was before. Uh... I'm not getting the same vibe, I'm not getting the same sort of feeling that it's going somewhere. In fact, i get a more hopeless feeling now from everything around me and *sigh* i just feel more hopeless. Um. There's a nice slip-up. But... verbal pause, verbal pause, I've got to stop the verbal pauses.
So, that was that entry, and i hope you enjoyed listening, if you did. And if you transcribed this, then great, everyone can read without listening to me, and I'm sure that's much preferable. Um... verbal pause. I will update later. Maybe.
Nothing is certain. Nothing is ever certain.
Goodbye.”