I've done salvia divinorum in the past. However, I'd only done 1X. Last night I tried 5X. Oh my, what a difference. The world ripped away in front of my eyes into interference patterns. Then diving down, I forgot everything. Complete dissolving of definition. No knowledge of the day to day world, no sense of self. I had to rebuild my perception of reality. Put everything back together. I had even lost the concept that everything was occurring in a three-dimensional locally-euclidean space, and couldn't figure out what kept me physically separate from anything. Even as I came out of the most intense part, everything kept warping together at the edges of my perception.

The strange putting together of things, defining of things, is the journey from the wholeness at the center. Without a sense of self, everything is one. There is no need for definition or distance. What is at the center is beyond definition. It is the All, the Ineffable. Words are boxes which cannot contain It. Even saying it is "beyond definition" misses the mark, as it is neither beyond or before.

I took the journey twice last night, the first time the speed of the journey panicked me on my return trip from There to Here. The second journey I was able to experience reconstruction from a much calmer place and was able to observe the experience more.

The salvia divinorum experience is not unlike experiences I've had in the past, however the pace at which salvia divinorum triggers these experiences is frighteningly fast: the most intense part is over in the first 5 minutes, and after 10 more it's completely worn off. The short duration along with the physical immobility during the deepest part may be why such a potent herb such as salvia has managed remained legal in most of the entheogenphobic United States (Missouri being the exception).

After the journey, I made a map...


We are waves emanating out from Unity. We perceive other waves as other selves.

At Unity we become all waves, all things. There is no self at Unity.

Between the everyday sphere of perception and Unity lies a domain where the waves are not united and a self still exists in some form, however the waves interfere with each other. This interference can show up in a variety of ways, including sensory phenomena (hallucinations, patterns, distortions, etc.) and/or disorganized thinking.

When viewing an autostereogram, focus of the eyes travels from normal focus to the adjusted focus where the 3D image is visible, the focus travels through an intermediate stage of visual clutter and interference. Traveling to Unity is like refocusing your eyes.

More and more over the years Cyndi has become more of a guide. It's not like she wasn't before, when I was afraid of her, I just didn't understand what she was trying to show me: that no one could save me, I had to save myself.

She's still around and while she can still be a bit rough at times, she is more helpful. Yesterday, during our walk, she showed me how to control the flow of time. Now that may sound a bit completely fucking insane at first, but allow me to explain.

I'm not talking about time travel or anything like that, I'm talking about the speed of perceived progression. I'm sure everyone reading this has at one time or another experienced a dramatic moment that went in slow motion. Some of you may have taken one of the various drugs that can produce a time dilation effect such as lsd or seroquel. Yesterday, Cyndi was showing me how to intentionally trigger that slow motion effect without a dramatic event or drugs.

I'm not quite adept at it yet – I can do it well in a calm setting, but it gets significantly more difficult if there is a commotion around. With practice that may change. The ability to make the good things last a bit longer, or at least feel as if they last a bit longer, has a lot of appeal.

I haven't really talked about how I've been doing lately. The "episodes" have been on an upswing. I have spent the majority of today immobile. This has not been an uncommon day. I don't like this eating into my life. On days I can, going for my walks is an act of defiance. I want to get back to being productive and perhaps be on the road to getting a job again. I am mentally ready to go back to work, but it is not a realistic option as long as I have these cycles.

However, I am making some progress on figuring the problem out. I was previously unaware that "vertigo" has a specific medical definition. The term is much more specific and I believe better suited than "dizzy" for the spells I've been having. More specifically, I am suffering bouts of central vertigo, as it often is accompanied by blurred vision, loss of fine motor control, sensory distortions, slurred speech, and ataxia. The question still remains as to what is causing it.

I have found two candidate conditions: multiple sclerosis and Behçet's disease. Of course there is a good chance that it is neither, but they do give me a direction to go in when I try to get this issue checked out again. I'm going to make an appointment with my primary care nurse (who I think is a bit of a quack) and see if she can set me up again with a neurologist or someone who can properly look into my symptoms. I'm getting quite tired of this.

dicotomygrrl took me to see Donnie Darko last night in Coolage Corner. I'd never seen it before.

( spoilers )

I missed the bus

I missed therapy

there are strange arcs with boxes in trianges flickering in rainbow colours in the right side of my field of vision

i purged yesterday

i don't really care

i don't know what's going on. i seem to be deteriorating. these problems are very debilitation. i'm weary of leaving the house unescorted for fear i'll end up at the emergency room. i saw my primary care doctor yesterday, hoping to get some help on these issues.

the pains in my behind-elbows and behind-knees, mostly on the right side. the pain also appears on my neck and temples sometimes, again usually on the right side. now there is a slight swelling on my right behind-elbow and behind my right knee. i've been concerned about the strange elongated bump on my right behind-elbow that's been there for months, and that is the main reason i saw my primary care doctor.

i've also been having dizzy spells. falling to the ground. i can usually predict that i will no longer be able to walk, and therefore am able to sit myself down gently before i actually collapse, but i often only have a few seconds to do so and therefore must sit down wherever i am, even if there is no seating available. it is better than falling catastrophically

in addition to that, i experience periods of intense panic with the associated physically symptomology. such attacks for me can last much longer than "standard" panic attacks do. many last several hours, and thus are enough to trigger suicidal ideations. i often become disorientated during these episodes as well.

distortion effects occur too. sometimes the screen flickers, sometimes all i get is static. sometimes my audio will go to static as well. occasionally i will smell a strong odor of ammonia when there is no source and no one else can smell it. these are not psychotic symptoms, and instead are classified as sensory distortions. the difference is that i would have to believe, for instance, that the ammonia was really there for it to be considered psychotic.

while frequency, intensity, and duration have waxed and waned, they have all been longstanding issues. they were also separate issues, but lately all those various problems have been occurring simultaneously. in addition to them happening at the same time, the most intense episodes also feature a sharp pain in my chest. i don't know what's going on, it's very weird and doesn't match anything i've heard of.

luckily my doctor offered a solution yesterday after doing an extremely quick examination: go back on my psych meds.

so far i've gotten much hallucinations of angles and brightness, but no thought component. Moving around accurately is difficult. the keyboard is shrinking. the monitor is an odd shape. i am very hot. i feel good, but i was hoping for more of a mind experience. Maybe if I combine this with the strobe light or flashing light ball tonight i'll get a better effect in that regard.

Had a therapy appointment and a pdoc appointment today. Both went well. My therapist told me that when I thought they wouldn't let me on the bus because I was an elephant 8 years ago, I was psychotic. Also the voice 10 years ago telling me to go north was also a symptom of a "thought disorder". However, she did say that my more recent confusions of dreaming and waking are probably due to my SSRI rather than a psychosis. I haven't had any true symptom of psychosis in a long time.

My pdoc said that the way I felt when I didn't have any geodon was how I am without medication. She was adamant that it was not withdrawal. She said the reason it seemed worse is that I'm not used to being like that anymore, so it's an adjustment to go back to it. If that is me without Geodon, I can fully understand my suicide attempts.

ropes are pulling my neck at an odd angle
i feel my body as crooked
i am now melting into the chair
i hear many sounds
the fans going
the computers hum
the refrigerators low groan
my eye has a slight twitch to it
the fan in the air conditioning unit is blowing in it
does this count as being creative?

this is me
me
hello
i don't know who i'm talking to
me or you
but whoever is listening
which probably i won't be
ask what is this
a reflection which i cannot see

i feel very strange
movement in pieces
my head tilting
jerking back and forth
like a mad pendulum
in slow motion

why did i come here?
looking looking looking
i cannot see
i want to know
but i'm too afraid
so am i just looking to escape?
i don't know
i don't know if i care

spinning
not looking back
keep going
i have no idea what i've written so far
i'm just starting from here
i'm going to post it in hopes that it is somewhat entertaining
to me in the future or you now
of course it will also be now for me
because the i i will be will be the i i am, and the i i am will be the i i was
and that's all i have to say

My normal dose of Geodon doesn't seem to get me through the day anymore. I'm going to need to ask for more Geodon next time I see my pdoc. Either that, or ask her to take me off it. Put me on something else if I need it. But I don't want to play the addiction game with Geodon any longer. Take more and more. And, when that won't do, take some more. I'm not going to play. I won't. I want off. It's going to be hard. I just took my nighttime dose. It hasn't kicked in yet. I can feel the sweaty shakes and the twitchs. Everything is flashy. I feel like curling up into a ball on the floor. I need to stop this Geodon game. I don't like it. I've tried to quit before. Always with disasterous results. I must find a way out. I can't keep playing. I can't.

set to alpha
dizzy and twitchy
but that's okay
i'm in a tunnel
the monitor is at one end
i feel the fear when i get close
i also feel a strong desire to get away
i begin to think it's not worth it
i'm scared
but i want to know
the fear is so awful
it radiates from it
pure terror
not terror of knowing
the terror of the memories
they steep in it
i can't get close without feeling it
it's so big all i want to do is make it go away
i have to learn to fight through this
if i ever want to know
i have to learn to face down the fear
i have been running from it for so long
hiding out
in the safe corners of my mind
but darkness shines all over now
am i really making progress?
i must learn to fight the fear
to not bow to it
this will be very hard
probably the hardest thing i've ever done
but i have to try
i must know
whatever comes of that knowledge
good or bad
i must be prepared for
that means if it turns out to be one of the unmentionables
we will go directly to the psych emergency room at cambridge hospital
because i know i will be suicidal
but i still want to know
i still want to see
and i'll keep searching until i find it

geodon
lovely geodon
i just took 60mg
i'm so happy
soon the twitchies will abate
everything will stop shifting
the world will be less wobbly
i'll be able to think somewhat rationally
my head will stop exploding
the pains will stop
my breathing will be less labored
i'll be able to concentrate
flow through my body geodon
take me away

i can't find my baking soda
i'll have to wait until merryperseis wakes up
she has some in her room
i'll use it
i'm just not up to a large baking soda/sock quest right now
i'm boiling water to try to make the place more humid
it's very dry here
i need to fix my face so i can go to walgreens
but i don't feel up to that either
i'd like to sleep, but i can't find my way to slumber
i'm delirious
my head is throbbing
the world is throbbing
pulsing
angles change quickly
i'm not sure where i am
i'm typing into a window
i'm not having fun

i took cold medicine but i feel worse
i can't tell if i'm hot or cold
or if i should be
i'm dizzy
i can't think right
i'm sweaty and cold and hot
my socks smell bad
gotta clean them
i don't know where most of my socks went
they seem to be disappearing
i'll put baking soda in them for the time being
i don't really feel up to cleaning and i need to wear something on my feet
everything is spinning
maybe i can find some clean socks
maybe i can find any socks
they're all gone
the angles in the room are bizarre
and everything is spinning

I know I had some drinks earlier, but I haven't had a drink in over 4 hours and I'm feeling worse and worse. I'm definitely not drunk any longer. I'm hot and cold at once. I feel stuffed up. My stomach is nauseous. In short, I think I'm coming down with something. I don't think trudging back and forth in the snow helped much, either. I'm going to take my meds and go to bed. I have an appointment with my doctor at noon. If I still feel bad, hopefully she can give me something.

I just had a very stoned conversation with my mom (myenergy) on the phone. It was very interesting. I almost said too many things. Things we don't talk about inside. The secret from us. We have to hide. But I want to see it. no. hide. hide.
i want to see it
no hide hide
i want to see it
no hide hide
run
run
run
fast
you don't want to know
who are you
me?
i'm me
really then who am I
well, you're you
it's really quite simple
where were we?
how am i supposed to know?
there's a bus outside
i hear it
i have a foot
no i have two feet
even if i can't see one of them right now
i believe it is there
i can sense it
i believe my senses
for some strange reason
because they often lie to me
at least 1/3 of the time.
maybe i shouldn't believe this
maybe i should ignore it
hmmm...
ow
that hurts
that really hurts
there's a place in my brain that really hurts
i don't like to go there
it is a bad place
it hurts to be near it
it really hurts there
i don't like that place
-----
moving
twisting
i feel like i'm going to vomit
too close
ground
move away
------
anyway
the talk with my mom
was a bit triggery
------
i really should be enjoying this
as i don't know when or where i will obtain more pot
being out really sucks
because i think i'm getting close to letting some things through
maybe i'll run away a bit less next time
learn that i don't need to be afraid of the pain
learn to go into the deep dark place
maybe i can
maybe

hello out there. i'm very twichy. i'm shakey and sweaty. everything is hot and cold and dizzy and there are blinking windows at the bottom of the screen an i don't know how to click them. ability is fleeting. i can do a little bit sometimes. lake is making coffee. i had some tea earlier. maybe i should take my PRNs. where are you? who am i talking to? everyone? no one? myself, when i read this later? All of the above? my legs are shaking the desk. the monitor is bouncing up and down. and the window is still blinking. i can just move my fingers and eyes. i'm going to ask lake to save the message for me. i don't think i can figure out how.