Today marks 2 years since I was released from Cahill 3, the last time I was on a locked psych unit.

For years, I was constantly in and out of hospitals. Throughout that time I was put on various medications: prozac, geodon, seroquel, zyprexa, depakote, lithium, ativan, klonopin, celexa, zoloft, and too many others to list here.

At times, the medications seemed like it was helping, but what it was really dong was preventing me from getting better. It wasn't until I stopped taking the medications that I started truly improving. It wasn't until I stopped taking the medication that I was able to stay out of the hospital.

Mental problems need a mental solution. Mental "illness" is not like diabetes or cancer. The speculation that mental "diseases" are biologically based is just that — speculation. There is no evidence to back it up, but the idea is treated as gospel. It is more religion than science.

Without the medications obscuring my real issues or slowing my brain down to the point that thinking was a labourious activity, I was able to directly address my problems and I was able to make myself better. I've been out of the hospital for 2 years and I'm sure that if I had continued to take their drugs, I wouldn't be able to say that.

I made it through a day without caffeine. I've been cutting back more and more each day. Finally, I've cut it down to none, and I seem to be doing alright. My goal is not to give up caffeine completely, just to move it in line with my general drug philosophy: while using a mind altering drug is not decisional a bad thing, it is best to avoid living on mind altering drugs. As I've said before that includes everything from alcohol and tobacco to cannabis to prozac to cocaine to seroquel. And it includes caffeine.

Found via dkmnow in _psychmedfree_ and antipsychiatry:

People diagnosed with schizophrenia who are not on antipsychotics are more likely to experience recovery than those taking the medication, according to an American study. Over 15 years, schizophrenia patients not on antipsychotics showed more periods of recovery than those taking antipsychotics, states a research paper in last month’s Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease. Researchers reported that, after 10 years, 79% of patients on antipsychotics were psychotic, whereas 23% of those not on medication were psychotic. After 15 years, 65 per cent of patients on antipsychotics were psychotic, whereas only 28% of those not on medication were psychotic. ... The research was part-funded by America’s National Institute of Mental Health. full article

While I don't have schizophrenia, these results do not surprise me after my experiences with Geodon, Zyprexa, Risperdal, and Seroquel. At first I was a believer. I "felt better" when I took them.

Zyprexa was the first with it's horrible weight gain effects. Then came risperdal, then came seroquel, then Geodon. I was given Haldol inpatient a couple times, the only old school antipsychotic I've been on. It wasn't much different than the newer atypicals.

They all made me "feel better" at first. But, what "feeling better" really meant was not thinking. The major side effect of not thinking when you have mental problems is that you can never work through those problems. Working through problems of the mind requires thought, requires figuring out coping mechanisms and how to break old loops.

I definitely wouldn't say I'm perfect at this point, there's still progress I need to make, but I've made so much progress since I broke free of Geodon addiction. Much of what I'm working through now is the damage done by the psych drugs and not the problems I had initially. The point is, I'm able to improve despite my experience on psych drugs not because of it.

More and more over the years Cyndi has become more of a guide. It's not like she wasn't before, when I was afraid of her, I just didn't understand what she was trying to show me: that no one could save me, I had to save myself.

She's still around and while she can still be a bit rough at times, she is more helpful. Yesterday, during our walk, she showed me how to control the flow of time. Now that may sound a bit completely fucking insane at first, but allow me to explain.

I'm not talking about time travel or anything like that, I'm talking about the speed of perceived progression. I'm sure everyone reading this has at one time or another experienced a dramatic moment that went in slow motion. Some of you may have taken one of the various drugs that can produce a time dilation effect such as lsd or seroquel. Yesterday, Cyndi was showing me how to intentionally trigger that slow motion effect without a dramatic event or drugs.

I'm not quite adept at it yet – I can do it well in a calm setting, but it gets significantly more difficult if there is a commotion around. With practice that may change. The ability to make the good things last a bit longer, or at least feel as if they last a bit longer, has a lot of appeal.

I felt well last night neither physically nor mentally. I took 2mg of my old Ativan prescription to put myself to sleep.

OH MY GOD! IT'S A PSYCH MED!!!

Yes, it's a psych med and yes I'm against psych meds. However, my issue with psych meds is living on them. I view living on any mind-altering drug as undesirable, whether that be Seroquel or heroin or alcohol. That does not mean occasional use of a mind altering drug such as Ativan is a bad thing.

Moderation is key. Have a drink on the weekend. Hell, get drunk some weekend. It's not the end of the world. Get drunk every day, that's a problem. When you live your life on alcohol or Zoloft or cocaine or Geodon, whether you are functional or not, you have lost touch with some portion of your core beginning. And when you are in touch with your core being, you can address the core issues that drove you take the drugs in the first place.

There was a point in my life where I would have taken any drug put in front of me. I didn't care how I felt as long as it was different. And I did lots of drugs, from street to psych and in between

I would smoke pot all day every day I could, drink way too much, take crystal and heroin and cocaine, pop klonopin and seroquel and zyprexa and whatever other nasty thing the psych people gave me. The only reason i never became addicted to heroin or cocaine was that I was never able to attain a steady supply and it is only by the grace of God that I am not an alcoholic. Going through geodon withdrawals was enough to make me very thankful I didn't go through that with anything else.

I am glad I moved on from that place, I know many who didn't. Many who couldn't. Many who never will.

When I fall into these troughs like I've been in the last several days, I must keep mindful of how far I've come. Where I was and where I am. I got through that, I can get through this.

I had a terrible time getting off antipsychotics, the withdrawals were so nasty it would have been helpful to be in a rehab clinic for them except rehab clinics don't take patients addicted to antipsychotics.

Sedatives like Ativan or Klonopin can very tempting when experiencing antipsychotic withdrawals, and patients prescribed antipsychotics are often prescribed sedatives as well. However, I found that more often than not sedatives led to a state where I was so tired I was barely able to move but still could not sleep because of the withdrawals. This state was much worse than going through the withdrawals without the sedatives.

I've seen far too many people fall into this sedative trap while withdrawing from antipsychotics and what often ends up happening is they take more and more sedatives until they actually do fall asleep. But by that time they've taken a lot more sedatives than they should have and someone ends up finding them and calling an ambulance. In the emergency room labeled an "attempted suicide", given charcoal, and sent off to a psych hospital where they are readministered antipsychotics. While they attempt to explain to the staff that suicide was not the motivation in taking the sedatives, their explanations are inevitably dismissed. Sometimes they are actually manipulated into thinking they must have meant to kill themselves even though they don't remember wanting to.

My particular battle was with Geodon, but this scenario can play out with users of virtually any antipsychotic drugs including Abilify, Risperdal, Zyprexa, and Seroquel. Breaking antipsychotic addiction is not easy, but being armed with knowledge can help tremendously.

Children represent the fastest growing group of users of a new generation of antipsychotic medications, even though the drugs are not approved for their use and serious safety concerns remain. Between 2001 and 2005, prescriptions for atypical antipsychotic drugs increased by 80% among children and teens, compared with an increase of 46% among adults aged 20 to 44. ... In a study published in the summer of 2004, the researchers reported that prescriptions for atypical antipsychotics doubled among Tennessee children on Medicaid between 1996 and 2001. They further reported that 43% of prescriptions were written for children with ADHD or a related disorder as the primary diagnosis, while just 14% were written for bipolar disorder and 9% for schizophrenia or other psychotic conditions. In a later nationwide study, the researchers concluded that 6 million prescriptions for atypical antipsychotics were written for children between 1995 and 2002. Again the researchers found that a large percentage of the prescriptions were written for children with ADHD as the primary diagnosis. full article

Lets ignore for a moment the devastating side effects of antipsychotics such as diabetes, metabolic disorders, heart problems, tardive dyskinesia, and neuroleptic malignant syndrome. Let's just focus on the intended effects of these drugs. Antipsychotics slow down the brain. They make it harder to think and by doing so make it harder to learn. These children are having their brain fogged at the most important time of their lives for them to be thinking. I can't imagine the damage to the intellectual and emotional development of these kids caused by being on extremely powerful mind altering drugs 24 hours a day. THESE ARE CHILDREN, FOR GOD'S SAKE!

The psychiatrists aren't even attempting to claim these children are psychotic. 43% of the children receiving antipsychotics are diagnosed with ADHD. Antipsychotics have nothing whatsoever to do with the "symptoms" of ADHD. The only reason to give antipsychotics to ADHD-diagnosed children is to sedate them. To keep them drugged so the teachers and parents don't have to deal with them. It is a form of neglect.

These children are going to reach adulthood. Due to the drugs they are being forced to take, many are not going to be able to develop the mental and emotional tools necessary to live and function as adults. Not having learned the skills necessary to hold down jobs, many will become dependant on the very system that abused and drugged them. The psych industry is creating a generation of lifetime customers.

dicotomygrrl came over tonight. We had intended to watch Firefly, but since we would have only had time to watch one episode, we decided to just hang out instead. She showed me around a favorite time waster of hers, Kingdom of Loathing. She walked me through creating a character: Seroquel, Disco Bandit. I got to beat up bunnies and cans of asparagus with my disco ball. If I continue to play, I'll get to the point where I will be able to handily dispose of Orcish Frat Boys like dicotomygrrl can. I, however, am wondering if I really need a new way to waste time. I will probably poke around the game some more, but I will endeavor not to get too sucked in.

i can't do it. maybe i need to go on antipsychotics again. i don't want to, but i need to do something. this isn't working. i'm not making it. something needs to change or i'm not going to stay alive very long. i'm pretty damn close to ending it. i can't do this anymore. something needs to change. my brain is not a good place. there are too many painful loops. they rip through me, i can feel them. i need this to end somehow. i don't know how to stop it. i can't find the key. i don't have the deloopifier that most people have. i get trapped instead. i need this to stop. i need to shut out the world. my brain does not adequately filter information. i intake too much and end up with an overflow. i can't take it all in anymore. i need to block it out. block it all out. i don't this anymore. i don't want to think anymore. i don't want to be anymore. give me 240mg of geodon or 600mg of seroquel and let me drown in nothingness.

Maybe it is psych. Maybe I should just load up on addictive benzos and paxil. Maybe I should go back on 240mg of geodon a day. If geodon doesn't cut it, maybe I can go back on the 600mg of seroquel like I was three or four years ago. It makes everything slow and squishy. While I might not be "cured", at least I won't be able to think about not being cured. In fact, I wouldn't have to think at all, just the fog roll in. Alternatively, I could just go down to Park Street and jump in front of a train. Essentially the same effect.

the seroquel has failed to knock me out
it has just made me very groggy and slow
i am moving through molasses.
it is very had to type this
i don't feel good
i'm going to take some klonopin in hopes of achieving sleep

i just took 200mg of seroquel
i should be heading to bed soon
if i'm really lucky i'll wake up without the flu
*knocks on wood*

i can feel my last dose of geodon wearing off
i'm twitchy
shakey
panicky
i don't like this
and i'm still sick
i'm thinking of taking some seroquel
that'll knock me out for the worst of it
i haven't been knocking myself out while i'm sick
i'm afraid that'll just make me sicker
or lead to complications i can't wake up for
like choking on my own vomit
or pneumonia
the fears may be irrational
but i have them
i must ignore them
i'm going to shave my face while i still have the requisite coordination for such an activity
-----
i don't know what to post as my mood
sick or distressed
i think i'm going to go with sick
just because that seems to go along with the previous posts

Around 9:30pm curled up on Pleasant St. in the fetal position. I wasn't really there. Twitchy. Apparently somebody called the police. They called an ambulance. I kept telling them I just wanted to go home and that I was ok. They brought me in to Cambridge Hospital. They checked me out in the regular emergency room then sent me to the psych emergency room where I still am. I'm very twitchy. Don't feel very good. They haven't given me my Geodon or any of my other meds. They did give me Seroquel though. Which has just made me worse off. I just want to go home. But they are sending me back up to Cahill 4. I feel ill and hot and cold and disoriented. I just want to go home and curl up. They'll be sending me up to Cahill 4 in a couple hours.

Cahill 4
617-876-4523
Visiting Hours are the same:
4:30pm - 8:30pm Monday - Friday
11:30am - 8:30pm Sat & Sun

Posted by purpleglitter

Last night was the worst Beeb night thus far on record. We had a large yelling argument before purpleglitter and I left for stop and shop. She was predictably both transphobic and homophobic. It's interesting that she somehow thinks that I care what some person with a brain pickled by decades of excessive daily alcohol and drug use thinks about me.

After we got back from stop and shop, we cranked up the music. After much yelling back and forth, Beeb called the police about the music. The police told her that as it was before 11:00pm, they could do nothing. Much yelling again ensued.

At 11:00, I turned the music down to a legal volume. Loud enough to annoy a roommate right down the hall, but not so loud as to be heard by any neighbors. Of course, at 11:00pm, Beeb called the police again about the music. They came out. Beeb, being embarrassingly trashed, didn't come out of her room to talk to the police. The officers accepted that the music was at a legal volume, and that we should work it out amongst ourselves. Much yelling again ensued after the police left.

Beeb attempted, rather pathetically, to overflow the tub. Then the sink. From a neutral observers point of view, it her drunken ineptness would have been amusing, but from my point of view, it was annoying.

15 minutes later, Beeb called the police again about the music. They didn't come. So she called them again. They didn't come. She then came into our room and broke purpleglitter's favorite lamp. This time we both called the police.

The police refused to listen about the broken lamp, but made threats to me about the music. Beeb kept motioning to the police in a manor to show I was ridiculous. She had said previously that the police would pay less attention to me because I was a "dick in a skirt", and in some ways she right. The police in this country are far more less likely to listen to a transsexual. They refused to take any report about the broken lamp, threatened to arrest me if they were called again and left.

We turned the music down and went to sleep. I was far to angry to sleep, so I took 200mg of seroquel. Enough to knock me out, not enough to know me out for days. I wish that burnt out drunken hag would just leave already.

Slept for over 22 hours. Just woke up. Had some coffee. Still a little groggy, but I feel so very refreshed. Nothing like a good seroquel sleep. Sleep very soundly and very long. Sleeping felt just so blissful.

Can't really overdo seroquel, though. Because as the body adjusts to taking seroquel, the Seroquel is less and less likely to make us sleep and more and more likely to simply turn us into a walking zombie: too groggy to do anything and too awake to go to sleep.

I'm wicked tired. The seroquel is definitely kicking in. I think I'll be heading to bed shortly. Good night.

i have not been well lately. no. no no no no. everything is a mess. mess mess mess. i can't deal. i want everything to just stop. i can't take it. there is too much. too much too much too much. i can't stand it. things have just been getting worse all week. nothing is getting better. i can't deal. i just want to escape. i just want it all to stop. stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop it won't stop

i just took 600mg of seroquel. seroquel does squat for us if we keep taking it, but at least, as our body is unadjusted to it at this point, it'll put us to sleep for a day or two. that'll be nice. i just want to escape for a little while at least.

I slept forever. I expected that, as I just started up my meds again. They always make me sleep a lot as my body adjusts to them.

John is talking about going up to Maine tomorrow to avoid any possible terrorist action in Boston. I think that might be wise. We might be going with him. They did name September 22 as another target date. I'd feel safer being far away from any big city. I know I'm paranoid. At the very least, it's a good excuse for a nice trip to beautiful Maine.