The partial program was very boring. Very boring up until the point I had an intense panic attack. I don't know what triggered it, but I had to walk out of the group I was in. I walked directly into the coat closet in the kitchen. I wonder if all the recent talk of closets contributed to me hiding in there today. I cannot know.

I hid in the coat closet for a little while, then scurried into the bathroom. In the bathroom mirror, Cyndi started her tormenting. But, Shirley bested her at her own game. Put Cyndi in her place. It was fabulous. No one has ever been able to stand up to Cyndi like that before. Hooray for Shirley! I felt much better after seeing that.

-----

I had to leave the partial program an hour early to make it to an appointment with our pdoc. The appointment went very well. Deborah, Shirley, and I took turns talking. We got quite a bit out.

I was half-expecting her to adjust our meds again, but she said that wouldn't be necessary at this point. The sleep problems I was having have gone way since I started the trazodone. And, while I haven't noticed a difference myself, purpleglitter and zarthon have both commented that we seem to be doing better since we started taking the Geodon. Since I haven't noticed any negative effects of Geodon and purpleglitter and zarthon noted only positive ones, not changing it is probably a good idea.

Shirley gave the left arm about 4 or 5 good slashes. I think mostly because she wanted to somehow get back at the asshole therapists that won't see us. I don't think it will really do any good, but I didn't try to stop her either. In fact, I went ahead and poured the rubbing alcohol on the cuts to make them hurt more. If it's going to be done, it might as well be done all the way. I have to admit, I do feel better with the pain. Yay, Shirley!

Just got back from our new therapist. Our new pdoc picked her out. First visits are always nervous.

She had us do a count of how many personalities are in the Central Group. We've never really did a count before (weird, but true). The count came up to 10: Beast, Cyndi, Deborah, Debra, Guardian, Gloria (me!), Mildred, Sally, Shirley, and Starflower. There are also an untold number of personalities outside the Central Group that we don't know about, but that is for the most part the cast.

The new therapist was really nice. She asked a lot of questions, but that's her job. I feel like she's really going to pick us apart, but that's her job too. I'm a bit nervous moving forward, but that's what we're doing: moving forward.

I know you're always sneaking food when I'm asleep, or even when I'm awake. How am I supposed to lose any weight if you keep sneaking food? It's not fair. - Shirley

Shirley doesn't seem too happy about last nights revelation about body image. I really didn't think she would be. I'm starting to rethink it too. Too bad, as it would be nice if our problems were so easily solved.

Shirley wants to type something

--

I don't like not being asked about things. I'm here too. I don't like that. I want to lose weight, and I should be able to. No deciding that our weight is fine just because you want to stop dieting. Give it up. You're not in charge.

--

I guess I deserved that. I can be a bit controlling and sometimes forget there are others to be considered. I'll try to do better about that.

I just got back from Thom's party. I had a great time.

Thom's place is awesome. He has a 12th floor apartment in Brigham Circle. He has a breathtaking view of Boston's skyline from his balcony. Tonight the dusty red moon peeking through some clouds just above the horizon put the crowning touch on the scene.

Everyone at the party was really nice to me. Very queer crowd, which I liked.

I met a new friend (I met several, but one in particular). Very interesting and intelligent person. He reminded me, both intellectually and physically, of an older version of Adric from Doctor Who. He was quite something to look at, but can't really go there (Lake and all) and he's gay anyway. He lives in Arlington and we're going to go have coffee together at the Diesel Café sometime.

I had a realization about my weight while sitting watching the people at the party. I made it while watching this woman who was quite beautiful, although not by mainstream standards of weight. I decided my problem is that, while I can look at myself as beautiful, my mental image of myself is skinny. All I need to do is change that mental image, not change myself. So I did. Unfortunately I haven't run this idea by Shirley yet, or thought it out sober. But, I did take it as a chance to pig out with no repercussions. We'll see how it plays itself out.

All in all a good night. I'm going to go eat my candy and decide whether I want to stay up or go to bed.

Shirley won't talk to me because I told Lake we've been purging. Now Lake will watch us even more, which will make it harder to purge. It was really stupid to tell. Now Lake is concerned and Shirley is mad. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I want the purging and weight shit to all stop, but I don't know how to go about stopping it.

We went to our pdoc's office today, but she had already moved out. I was supposed to see her today. I don't know what to do. I have no idea how to get in touch with her. I feel so ditched. I want to binge and purge. I want to harm myself. Lake won't let me. I'm sad. - Shirley

We've been purging everyday lately. Mostly me and Shirley. We had been doing it just once or twice a week. The increase has me a bit concerned, as I feel we may be starting to lose control of it again. The last time we lost control of it, we ended up with some pretty bad reflux problems. I don't really want this, there just seems no way to keep control.

Gloria says all the weight issue is me, but she worries to. I know I see her. - Shirley

Lake really didn't want Clover coming over. She broke almost all of our nice glassware and a plate for good measure. Shirley wanted to cut very badly, but we had to comfort Lake, who was horrified at her outburst of anger.

We ended up renting "The Family Man". Lake liked it, I didn't.

Lake went to bed and we just purged. I didn't really binge. Shirley though we'd eaten too much and I just wanted to get rid of the energy of the day. So we did. Then we brushed our teeth and drank a baking soda solution.

Now I'm going to go clean up the rest of the broken glass in the kitchen.

I'm really sad about the glasses. I can't tell Lake how much they meant to me, or she'd feel even more guilty. They were the glasses I had 9 years ago, when I lived in a small rental house in Columbia, Missouri with my cat, Galena. Just me and Galena and a little garden in the backyard. I used to make spaghetti and me and Galena would sit at an upsidedown milk crate together and eat out of the same plate. I miss that place. A lot happened there. Good and bad. Those glasses were my last piece of that place. Only three remain now. 1 goblet (which were my favorite) and 2 tumblers. When they break, I'll have no connection.

I bought chips. I ate them, and then Lake woke up and caught me, so we weren't able to purge. Shirley is the neurotic one among us (at least the most so). She's very particular about our weight. Many of us, myself included, don't see it as such a big deal. But we need to work together to all be happy, so I think weight is something we all should watch. Bingeing and purging is sort of a nice compromise sometimes. Those of us not worried about our weight get to eat, while those who worry don't gain weight. It throws the whole thing off balance when Lake catches us and we don't get to purge. I know the whole thing is ridiculous and bad for the body, but sometimes it seems to make some sense.

We are planning on trying to fast tomorrow in order to make up for not purging the chips. I know that's ridiculous, but that's the current plan. Willpower is always a large factor in such plans, and we tend to possess too little to actually carry them out.

Just to prove to the other selves that the bingeing and purging was purely self-harm, I ate a meal after purging. Not a big meal, but more than a snack. Most people would say, "Ewwwww! How can you eat after purging?". Vomiting just doesn't gross me out, if it did I'd make a very poor bulimic.

It felt somewhat freeing to purge. I felt I was purging out a lot of my feelings with the food. Scary, because that could become an addictive reason.

I was in a bad place for three reasons:

1) I forgot to wear my 50's glasses when going out to see Petra. Shirley was wicked neurotic. She went into Osco Drugs and bought a new $12 pair of sunglasses. We only had about $40 in the bank! It was night! We couldn't wear them to the Diesel anyway!

2) I saw an old lady sitting alone on a park bench having a conversation with herself. People were just staring at her as they walked by. I though, "That's going to be me in 40 years."

3) We got nasty comments from two different groups of asshole strangers on the way home.

In one of those self harm modes. What to do...

We could cut...

but...

Cyndi won't come out.
Shirley only cuts when she's angry, and she's not.
And the rest of us just aren't brave enough.

We could binge and purge...

but...

If we ate the pizza Lake would be sad and mad.
And there's nothing else worth bingeing on in the house.

We could simply get trashed...

but...

We're already tired, we'd just fall asleep.
What's the point.

We'll probably just go to bed. The bedroom is nice and cool now that the air conditioner is finally in. We will get a good night's rest. I know that's not particularly self destructive, but at least it'll end right now and progress it tomorrow.

I'll start with yesterday. I worked most of yesterday trying to write a perl script for my web site. Didn't really get very far. I've tweaked perl scripts before, but never really wrote one myself from scratch. I'm stuck on something that should be quite simple. I just don't seem to be able to get the damn thing to work. Will try again today.

John, Lake and I went out to see Moulan Rouge last night. Wonderful movie, although not what I expected. Sort of like Caravaggio with a sound track. I wore the hat I found rummaging through my old stuff. Kinda frumpy with flowers in the front. Went perfectly with my new look.

I don't know what it is with movies. I enjoy seeing them, but we're always unstable after watching them. Last night was no exception. After the movie I felt nervous and jittery. Switched to Starflower. Starflower is nice. We all like her. She younger and happy. Very curious about everything. Everything seems new to her. She's a sweetheart.

After her came Shirley. Lake gave us two Seroquels and we went to sleep.

Woke up about an hour and a half ago. Made a breakfast my stomach didn't agree with. Still bothering me a little. Now I'm getting ready to take another crack at that annoying perl script. Here goes...

I lost $20 on the way back home. I hate myself. Fuck! Slices on my arm sting from the point of the little lancet. I'd kept it in my purse for quite sometime. Was doing so good, but I deserve the pain. It wasn't Cyndi this time. It wasn't. I did it. Shirley.