I missed my appointment with my primary care doc this morning. But I made my other two. The first one I made it to was my endocrinologist. We discussed the regular hormone issues and she did an examination. We also talked about diabetes. I have a family history of diabetes and am on Geodon, which increases my risk. She is concerned that my increased weight is a unnecessary additional risk factor. She wants me to see a dietician and lose some weight. I don't know if I want to see a dietician, but I will try to follow her orders about weight loss. One thing she wants me to do is exercise, so every day I'm going to try taking a half hour walk. Furthermore, I'm going to start Project Three Meals again, that's three reasonable meals and a healthy snack. I think I'm going to include the exercise as a part of my third attempt at Project Three Meals. This means no more junk food for me.

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Robin (my therapist) and I went through my record. First she read me Sonali's notes (a therapist I saw 2 years ago). I've improved greatly since then. The difference between then and now made me smile, because if I continue to improve at the same rate, I can imagine where I'll be at in another 2 years.

Next we went over Fatima's notes (my therapist before Robin and after Sonali). There was a shock in there. Fatima thought that I may have "factitious disorder", which means she though I might be faking my symptoms. I'm shocked, because she never said anything about those suspicions to me. Robin said she didn't think I was faking my symptoms and told me that she believe Fatima's assessment was caused by her inexperience. But regardless, it threw me for a loop. I've always worried "what if I'm making this all up?", "what if I'm faking it, even to myself?". I've come to the conclusion that I'm not faking it, but I still worry sometimes. It's a natural fear, because so many people don't believe in dissociation. I don't like that fear, and it hit me right in the face when the notes were read to me. I'm happy I have Robin as my therapist now, who seems to understand these things better.

Accidentally took too much geodon this morning. Meant to take 20mg, but instead took 60mg. I guess I'll be extra-medicated today.

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Had my final visit with my current therapist today. My therapist gave me the option of going into the hospital. She said she would call and recommend that I be taken inpatient if I so choose. A brief hospital stay might do me good right now. A nice quite safe environment to sort out my thoughts, let me fully restabilize on my meds and just take a break from life. Alternatively, I could use such a stay to get rid of my meds in a safe environment. I know, after all I've been through it seems ludicrous to still be considering not taking my meds, but here I am doing it. I can decide tomorrow if I want to go in.

Poll #162659
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Yesterday morning went fine, but we had had our first therapy appointment with our new therapist in the afternoon. Very switchy for that. After the therapy session, I had to fill out a questionnaire that was quite triggery. Didn't like it at all. Too many questions about things I'd rather not be answering questions about.

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After we got home, quite jittery and switchy still, I talked to my dad on the phone. I had thought my previous piano experience was limited muddling through 2 years of piano lessons, never really becoming very skilled. However, he told me that I used to play quite a bit. And that I, we, or whoever, used to have "emotional fits" on the piano that came out as music. Good, intense music. I don't remember that at all. It's very disconcerting to not remember something so obviously important. It was back then though, and everything was much less stable then. Now, I don't know what to think of my music. I don't know how to view it or where it's going or where it's from. Everyday there seems to be more revelations. There is so much that I don't know. So much. So much.

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Spent the night at purpleglitter's apartment last night. I was really grumpy when I got there, because I got lost and my feet hurt a lot. But, I ended up having a very good, mellow time. Just what I needed after the whirlwind. I will be definitely going back in the not-to-distant future.

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Thanks to the efforts of pillowkisser, the heat is working now in the house_of_clocks. However, a new problem has developed: a leak in the upstairs bathroom.

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Tonight, I'm going to get quietly drunk.

I went to the therapy intake this morning. It went very well. I have a therapist I'm going to start seeing on a weekly basis. Finally, it seems I'm going to get the psych care I need.

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After the intake, purpleglitter drove me to pick up the keyboard my parents got me. Music. Music. Music. I'm going to play my soul.