via sheerchaos:



How times have changed. The Bush Administration has tainted this country's soul.

purpleglitter and I buried Squeaky and Piglet this morning. We placed them with Isobel so they can fly off together.

I haven't been well today or yesterday. I'm still in shock that they are both dead. Hearing purplelgitter gasp upon finding them. Seeing them there. I don't believe it. I am still waiting to wake up.

Feeling like my life is a dream isn't an state in my life, but what is less constant is the forceful will to wake up. Wake up to what, to where. I don't know. But somewhere my birdies are and everyone else is and everything is the "way it should be". But the way it should be never was, there is only the way it is.

Squeaky and Piglet and Isobel too are all okay. Though their bodies may have been fragile, they are not their bodies and they will never cease to be. I will miss them, they have flown off with a part of my heart with them.

A graphical representation of what you think your soul would look like if it were an existing entity around your house.



My sister (ellynx) got me this oil lamp so long ago that i do not remember precisely when anymore. It's quite fragile and has been a lot of places and seen a lot of things. Most objects I owned back when I got this have been lost to the wind and much sturdier things had crumbled. It's had it's share of close calls, but somehow the winds not yet been able to break it.

when one looks into the heart of madness
the soul of the beast
when one looks
truly looks
and not just spies upon the shadows of the wretched
when one looks into the madness
and sees what is there
when one sees the darkness bright
one cannot help but become mad

in time, you can learn to live in their world
in time, you can adapt.
you can fake it
but you will always know
deep inside
that their world
is not your world

ganked from asrai_d:

You Are 64% Abnormal

You are at high risk for being a psychopath. It is very likely that you have no soul. You are at high risk for having a borderline personality. It is very likely that you are a chaotic mess. You are at medium risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is somewhat likely that you are in love with your own reflection. You are at medium risk for having a social phobia. It is somewhat likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement. You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

How Abnormal Are You?

I'm only 64% abnormal! I was sure it would be much higher. Normal is boring. Although it doesn't really matter seeing as I apparently have no soul. How could a short, quick online quiz possibly be wrong?

Last night I had a bit of a breakdown. But, because of that breakdown I learned about something I've been trying to figure out for some time now: the nature of evil. Again, the answer has always been right in front of me, but I never really looked to see it: Evil is in the demon eyes.

To look through demon eyes is to look at the universe or the world or the that which is within the world with utter despisement, contempt, and hate. I've worn demon eyes, and I would venture to say that every person has seen the world through them at one point or another. Looking through demon eyes feels very very good. The world seems dark and one seem above it all. It aggrandizes the ego, providing an amazing powertrip, frees one from bindings of morality and love, and can even allow one to see themselves as righteous in these things. There is a revelry in evil, and one can become addicted to that revelry.

By looking through demon one becomes a demon. Demon eyes allow people to knowingly do very harmful things for personal gain, and sometimes even to do harmful things to simply be harmful. The demon eyes are very dangerous, and they are the root of the much, if not most, of the human-caused suffering in the world. The Demon sees the world as ugly and works to make it so.

Some people live the majority of their lives looking through demon eyes. It is an addiction. It is heroin of the soul, and eventually turns the barer into a bitter jaded junky, a demons in the machine.

Demons are real. They are all around us. They are human, and they are us.

I broke my staff. I had put it on my bed and I sat on it. I am such an idiot. I need to remember that it is just a thing. That it was mine when it needed to be mine and now maybe i don't need it. Maybe it was meant for me for a small period of time and then it is gone. Maybe something else. I haven't been meditating and praying enough. I feel like I'm slipping back into the fog of the everyday. Maybe I need to capture back that sacred space of the soul that seems to be slipping away. It is something that needs to be fought for. A constant effort. Maybe the breaking staff tells me I'm losing my way. I've made an attempt to fix the staff with gorilla glue held down by a bolt of wire i bought to make færie wings. Oddly symbolic as I've left to the faeries to supervise the mending of my gift from the færies. Maybe I should be less beating myself up over breaking the staff and looking to the symbolism of what is occurring. Find the meaning in this. There is too much here for their not to be meaning.

As I laid Isobel to rest in the hollow tree named Aleister, I noticed that there is significantly more detritus in the hollows than there was in June. I also saw many broken acorn shells in those hollows today, presumably left by a squirrel who thought Aleister a good place to make a cache. In the fall the squirrel hid away in Aleister its harvest and in the winter the squirrel consumed in Aleister that which it hid, leaving behind the fragments of acorn shell which I found there. Both the filling of detritus and the evolvement of the winter hoard are signs of movement. They are signs of change, and change is life.

Aleister may have died in one sense, but it is still very much alive. And when Aleister becomes but a part of the soil, it will still live on and the new life that springs from that soil will carry Aleister's soul.

Isobel is also still part of this place. She has not left this existence, nor will she ever leave it. We never stop being part of the All, and in the All we are immortal. Death is not the end, it is simply a change. Change is life, and in that death is an act of living.

Child psychiatry researchers at Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis have identified a small group of preschoolers who appear to suffer from bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness. The findings, presented this fall at the annual meeting of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, highlight symptoms that distinguish bipolar disorder from other mental health problems in very young children. Diagnosing bipolar disorder in children is difficult because the manic phase of the illness can be confused with the more common attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). The confusion arises because mania and ADHD both involve hyperactivity, irritability and distractibility. These issues may be even more difficult in young children who display some of these behaviors and emotions normally. However, Joan Luby, M.D., an associate professor of child psychiatry, found mania symptoms, as defined by psychiatry's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-IV), did not occur in healthy preschoolers and that three main symptoms distinguished bipolar disorder from ADHD in preschoolers: elation, grandiosity and hypersexuality. ... Researchers are comparing how well different medications and medication combinations work in making bipolar children between the ages of 6 and 15 feel better. Qualified participants are randomly selected to receive either lithium, a drug commonly prescribed for adults with bipolar disorder; valproate, an anticonvulsant drug that has been related to improvement of manic symptoms in a few smaller studies; or risperidone, an antipsychotic medication used in adults with schizophrenia that also is being tested in children with autism. full story

Now that they've gotten a couple drugs through the door, they're going throw the lot them of them down little kids' throats. I don't know how anyone could not see that there is something inherently wrong with giving kindergarteners antipsychotics! I'm sure having tardive dyskinesia in middle school will help their mental and emotional wellbeing immensely. The people doing this are monsters. They have no soul, at least none that I recognise. It doesn't take a doctorate to figure out that the first thing you do with a preschooler that displays "hypersexuality" should not be to drug them into submission. These kids can't say no, someone has to stand up for them! This can't continue. What the fuck is wrong with people!

I don't care anymore who accuses me of being a "black hole" for saying this. The entire fucking universe sucks. Yes, I still believe that the universe has it's own consciousness, created itself, blah blah blah. I just think it is a demented evil nasty fucking consciousness that's bent on creating eternal misery. I wish I knew a way to fucking escape this piece of shit prison of a cosmos and make it so my soul no longer exists. I don't want to simply die, I want my soul to be dead to. I don't want to reincarnate or experience any fucking afterlife. I don't want to be. I've been wanting to say this for a very long time. I want to no longer exist in any form, on any plane. Period.

long ago there was nothing
a void
even nothing is something
and this void being the only nothing was quite lonely
so it wrapped around itself until it could interact with itself
and thus there was an appearance of two things
nothing was no longer the only thing
and continuing to twist and turn this void became everything
it passes through all matter
it is all souls
it is the universe
it is god
it is us
the universe only consists of one thing: nothing
the void
we are all part of the void
that there seems to be many people
many souls
is an illusion
we are all made of the same stuff
ephemeral strings of absolute emptiness searching for meaning
and we find it in each other
in the illusion of each other
as we think we are communicating with others we are simply communicating with ourselves on other parts of the timeline
each of is everything
each of us is god
and none of us exist

merryperseis is a good soul
a wonderful woman
i love her
that is all

i don't like to annoy people
i fear i do it quite often
i try to be good
but i'm often too needy
i need to learn to give people their space

-----

i'm discovering a lot of things tonight
like i'm being to hard on my new therapist
i was angry that she's only temporary
but i should stop being angry and accept it
all i'll be doing for the time being is checking in
i'll probably have a permanent therapist in 2 and a half months
i should make the time in the meantime count
i can't bare my soul to her in the time we are allotted
but i can talk about things
work on self-care issues
that's what i really need to work on right now
quality of life issues
nothing major though
no breakthroughs
that's what e is for

I started reading The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra today. As per not_you's advise, I'm taking it slow, only reading a little each day so I can fully digest it. I read through the first law today, the "Law of Pure Potentiality" a passage from the introduction has really peeked my interest in the book, as it expresses one of my core beliefs about the nature of the universe.

"The physical universe is nothing other than the Self curving back within Itself to experience Itself as spirit mind and physical matter. In other words, all process of creation are processes through which the Self or divinity expresses Itself. Consciousness in motion expresses itself as the objects of the universe in the eternal dance of life"

The chapter on the first spiritual law stresses the need to become in tune with the universe, the spirit of creation. Finding one's true Self, and learning balance between Self and the Universe (which is actually the same thing) is the key to unleashing pure potentiality and creativity, where anything is possible. I want to try the various methods suggested by this book to achieve balance and pure potentiality: meditation, communication with nature, silence, and non-judgment. In fact, I'm going to start meditating twice a day ("taking time each day to be silent, to just be" as Deepak Chapra puts it), in addition to working out once a day (not suggested in the book). I'm also going to get out to Spy Pond more and start making regular trips to the Great Meadow come Spring. I really have no excuse not to do these things. I have no job, I'm not in school. I could be doing so much with my day to better myself, it's time I started to.

I find that my thunderstorm CD is very good to meditate with, as it drowns out the traffic of Mass Ave. But I'm also considering just being with the sounds of Mass Ave. The comes in gentle waves, it might not be a bad idea. I also want to check out the used CD shops when I get money again for ambient CDs, like brooks, surf, and rain. As odd as it may seem. Silence is ideal to meditate with, but I can only really have that around 3:00am, which I will take advantage of. But as I want to meditate at least twice a day, and cannot always do so in science, I want to pick the least distracting sounds I can for my meditations.

I have a feeling my life is about to take a new, better, calmer direction. I'm looking forward to it. The last few years have been a typhoon that has left me tired and battered. I want to find some peace, and I think I'm finally starting to realize I need to make that journey.