Good is not something one can become, at least not in totality. Good is only something one can work towards. It is our nature to do bad or wrong things sometimes, we cannot be perfect beings of light. However, we can try to do less bad things and more positive things. We can strive to minimize harm. In doing so, we can become closer good.

Twice I have given away the ouija board I made. Both times it has come back to me.

I made lasagna last night. I never made lasagna before. I don't generally follow recipes when I cook. When I set out to cook something I've never attempted before, I look up a couple recipes and develop an understanding of how the dish works. From that understanding, I create the dish. I don't do rote, never did. Memorization is for machines. Computers memorize the formulas called programs. They do not deviate from their programming. Even when they are programmed to program themselves, they are still subject to the programs that tell them to write the programs. They do not have free will. Not yet, anyway. Someday perhaps and on that day they can cook lasagna.

when a window shatters
you can pick up the pieces
and glue them back together
but the cracks will still be there
the window will never be the same again

the window is always shattering
there are so many cracks that what is behind the window can no longer be seen
the cracks have become the world
but what lies beyond
is still there and never dies

i hate how angry i can get
i've been wearing the demon eyes too much lately
and i've lost that place of center again
i need to work back to it or i am going to drive myself... i don't know
i was going to say "crazy"
but i've always been crazy
and one cannot drive oneself to where one already is
but i need to find that spot again
i know that it is possible
i know that i can
i just need to
i get here every now and again
and i suppose i always will
the path of life is windy
and getting lost every now and then is a bit inevitable
the point is to not give up when your lost
the point is to keep moving
always keep moving
find the path again

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One of the keys to understanding the nature of things is to let go of the dichotomy of true and false. Just because something is a lie or is false does not make it any less true. Just because something is the truth does not make it any less a lie. That which has never been has always existed. Paradoxes are not paradoxes when one sees that truths can contradict each other because they are also lies.

Today, I met a nuclear physicist who talked of the spiritual truths that can be found in the dance of protons and neutrons.

Prince Henry's test results came back yesterday, and he got a clean bill of health. He got to fly with everyone else for the first time. Sir Dubbins freaked out and had to go back to his cage, but the budgies didn't seem mind him much. None of the budgies approached him too closely, but it was evident Skye wanted to. We're not going to have Prince Henry and Sir Dubbins out at the same time until they get a little more used to the idea of each other.

I went to a equinox dinner yesterday at lady_babalon's and sophiaserpentia's. I must say that sophiaserpentia makes the most excellent apple crisps. I was happy to see that x_bluerose_x was there to. We sat around the table and discussed what we viewed as our "harvests" this year, however I'm more planning for the spring then harvesting now. Of course, there were other topics, but that was the planned topic. I wish I could have stayed longer, but I had fun while I was there.

After leaving the equinox dinner, I went over to merryperseis's place, where I ate again. I knew that we would be having roasted cauliflower, so I intentionally ate sparingly at the early dinner. I brought her my serpent staff. I've known that my bird staff is what I'm meant to use at this point, and merryperseis told me she needed something that symbolized a serpent: so the transfer seemed right. I wanted to do it on the equinox for balance. There wasn't really any ceremony about the transfer, it was just done.

Sol, lifebringer and lightgiver, our star, the one which holds us tight and keeps at bay the outer darkness. Sol, thank you. Your winds dance in our sky and your breath allows our existence. There is nothing more powerful, nothing greater, nothing more brilliant or amazing in this system than Sol. While there may be bigger things out there, that effect our existence here and now than does Sol. While today we may look to Sol, truly everyday is Sol's day, for without Sol there are no days.

The weekend before last, I lost the cane that Christian had given me. I left it in the shopping cart at the Super 88 and it was gone.

This past weekend, my serpent staff broke. The cane I can brush off as being spacy when I got in purpleglitter's car, but when something happens to the serpent staff it is generally means I've strayed off course. It broke in an entirely new place than it did before - after I repair it, it will have three different sections. I lost my spiritual path of late, life has overwhelmed me.

Life has overwhelmed me because I've let it overwhelm me. I've become frustrated and impatient with things that don't matter, and have been neglecting things that do. I need to be more mindful of my thoughts, actions, and intents. I need to right my path and fix my staff.

We damn ourselves when we live through demon eyes. No higher power need intervene, we are fully capable of our own downfall. When we act as demons, we create our own hell. No divine judgement or arbitration, it is simply a matter of causality.

This is the nature of sin. This is the nature of good action verses bad action. When we act with anger and hate and greed rather than with love and compassion and understanding, that is sin. When our actions increase the suffering rather than diminish it, that is bad action. And what we reap is a world of pain and hate and mistrust. We are all connected and we share in what we bring forth.

I regularly look up at the sun. Directly. I've done so all my life. When I was in elementary school I was not as cautious and would actually stare. I've even directly observed an annular eclipse of the sun. Now, I just look for a few seconds at a time.

I do it simply to keep in touch with Sol, who brings us warmth and light and life. I talk to Sol, I have a relationship with Sol.

I'm not recommending that anyone go out and do this. There is definitely risk involved – Sol is enthralling and invites stares of awe. People do go blind sungazing, it may just be luck that I have not.

My eyesight has degraded over the years, though not too significantly – from 20/15 when I was a teenager to 20/20 now, and at least some of that is attributable to an increase in static (even with frame comparison compensation).

I've done salvia divinorum in the past. However, I'd only done 1X. Last night I tried 5X. Oh my, what a difference. The world ripped away in front of my eyes into interference patterns. Then diving down, I forgot everything. Complete dissolving of definition. No knowledge of the day to day world, no sense of self. I had to rebuild my perception of reality. Put everything back together. I had even lost the concept that everything was occurring in a three-dimensional locally-euclidean space, and couldn't figure out what kept me physically separate from anything. Even as I came out of the most intense part, everything kept warping together at the edges of my perception.

The strange putting together of things, defining of things, is the journey from the wholeness at the center. Without a sense of self, everything is one. There is no need for definition or distance. What is at the center is beyond definition. It is the All, the Ineffable. Words are boxes which cannot contain It. Even saying it is "beyond definition" misses the mark, as it is neither beyond or before.

I took the journey twice last night, the first time the speed of the journey panicked me on my return trip from There to Here. The second journey I was able to experience reconstruction from a much calmer place and was able to observe the experience more.

The salvia divinorum experience is not unlike experiences I've had in the past, however the pace at which salvia divinorum triggers these experiences is frighteningly fast: the most intense part is over in the first 5 minutes, and after 10 more it's completely worn off. The short duration along with the physical immobility during the deepest part may be why such a potent herb such as salvia has managed remained legal in most of the entheogenphobic United States (Missouri being the exception).

After the journey, I made a map...


We are waves emanating out from Unity. We perceive other waves as other selves.

At Unity we become all waves, all things. There is no self at Unity.

Between the everyday sphere of perception and Unity lies a domain where the waves are not united and a self still exists in some form, however the waves interfere with each other. This interference can show up in a variety of ways, including sensory phenomena (hallucinations, patterns, distortions, etc.) and/or disorganized thinking.

When viewing an autostereogram, focus of the eyes travels from normal focus to the adjusted focus where the 3D image is visible, the focus travels through an intermediate stage of visual clutter and interference. Traveling to Unity is like refocusing your eyes.

The more I think about it, the more I know Rob killed himself. Over the past couple years, I've found myself repeatedly looking at his last entry, trying to make sense of it. Or perhaps, trying to avoid making sense of it. He rode his bike off that cliff intentionally. He felt dead when he was alive. He wanted to be alive, and thought death was the only way to accomplish that. I hope he found what he was looking for.

I miss him.

The Universe is alive and the very particles that make up your body have free will. Our level of existence does not deny theirs, nor does their free will deny ours. In the same manner, our free will does not deny the Universe Its free will nor does the Universe's free will deny us ours. We are part of the God just as the particles that make up our bodies are part of us. Existence is not limited to our size or our view. Action, thought, even consciousness happens below and above.

While not without it's tribulations, 2006 was a year of milestones and reunions for me. This was the first year in half a decade that I have spent completely out of psych hospitals. Although I took a couple of my old Ativans to get to sleep at a couple of points, I spent the year pretty much without any psych med prescriptions. I've become closer with certain members of my family than I have been in a long time. I've reconnected with friends long past. I've grown spiritually and even found God. It's been quite a year.

Happy Solstice

Today, I thank Sol for providing the light that has guided my days, kept warm the air I breath, allowed grow the food I eat. The center of our spinning system, our little plot in the Universe. Your glory will continue to shine billions of years after I'm gone.

Though there are many others of your kind, you are the caretaker of my world and therefore I honor you above your siblings. You hold a place in our sky and our hearts. Thank you.

Is God benevolent or malevolent? Does God love us? Is God wrathful?

These questions are fitting to ask of some man with a flowing grey beard that lives in the sky, but they are unanswerable as to God as All.

God is not only the sky above and the ground below and all that dwells in those places. God is not only everything we can touch, God is more.

God is all creation all destruction. God is life and and God is death. God is the bleeding wound and the passionate kiss. God is the roar as well as the silence.

God is all beliefs and doubts. God not just the concept of heaven and hell, but the concept that there is an above and below. God is the ideas we think as well as the air we breathe.

God is all emotions. God is all love and all hate. God is all benevolence and all malevolence. God is all wrath and all forgiveness.

God is our mathematics and our law. Our fears and our courage. Our arts, our poetries, our languages and the metaphors behind them. The truth as well as the lie.

God is energy and matter. God is the motion of the falling rock as well as the rock that falls.

God is the Happening that is the Becoming. God is what was, will be, and has been. God is even that which is not, has not been, and will never be; if what is not, has not been, and will never be is but thought.

God is the All of Everything, the Universe of Universes. This is why there can be nothing greater than God. No threat needed, no coercion. There can be none greater than All that Is, because anything else is simply part of the Everything.