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I saw my endocrinologist today. As normal, she renewed my prescription and had my blood drawn. As part of the exam, she asked if I had any leg swelling. I mentioned the oddness behind the backs of my right knee and elbow and that my primary care nurse thought they were lipomas, but that I was doubting that assessment. She took a look at my knee and agreed that there was not a lipoma there. She suggested they might be ganglion cysts, but wasn't so sure because they appeared too lateral in form. She suggested that I see a rheumatologist for a more specific diagnosis, but that my primary care nurse would have to give me a referral. I told her that I doubted my primary care nurse would, as she doesn't believe anything I say; to which my endocrinologist replied "She'll believe me.". At least I'm getting someone to believe something health related isn't in my head. | |||||||||||||||||
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drained| Splatter | |||||||||||||||||
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i see my endocrinologist yesterday. since she is in the same hospital system, she looked up my eeg results for me. they came back normal. i'm not very hopeful about my upcoming neurology appointment tomorrow. even though it often takes a series of eegs to find seizure activity, with the problems i already have had with people dismissing me because of my psych record i'm almost convinced that it will inevitably happen again tomorrow. i don't even feel like going at this point. i'm processing so many things right now to deal with another asshole in the medical system. however, if i don't go i might not have another shot for a long time. my endocrinologist stated that she was hesitant to give me my scripts if i wasn't seeing a therapist and told me she was concerned that i didn't want to take the psych meds the doctors on the psych ward wanted to give me. i reminded her that she had given me scripts before when i was without therapy and she did end up writing them. ----- i had canceled my thanksgiving trip to missouri as i did not think with my current problems that i should be flying. not because i think the traveling itself would be unsafe; but because with me twitching, falling to the ground, and becoming unresponsive i might attract a large degree of unwanted attention from airport security. couple that with being a left-wing radical tranny and i'd in for a bad time. i am not going to attempt to go to my grandmother's funeral in chicago. even if i wasn't concerned about security, i neither have the means or a stable enough mental state to make the trip. ----- my therapist called this morning asking if my decision to quit therapy was firm. i wasn't feeling particularly together when she called and couldn't really give a definitive answer to her. she is going to call me monday to check in on me and find out if i've changed my mind. i'm torn, because while therapy might be a good thing right now, being involved with the psych system is negatively impacting my medical care. i'm not quite sure what path to take on anything right now. everything seems to be stirred up, inside and out. i need to get away from everything. | |||||||||||||||||
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| Adventures of Yesterday | |||||||||||||||||
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When I arrived home from the asylum, I found a letter stating that I had yet another overdraft charge. I seem to be utterly incapable of keeping track of my balance and the $25 fees add up. I decided that I should just cash my SSDI check instead of depositing it and handle things in cash. I headed out to Arlington center, and only fell once on my way there and was able to get up quickly. I did end up sitting on a bench for 15 minutes shortly thereafter waiting to regain my coordination. My first stop was Leader Bank. There I was told that since they are not publicly traded they are exempt from being required to cash treasury department checks for non-customers. No luck. I went on to Bank of America. There I was told as a non-customer I had to have two forms of identification for them to cash the check. I only had my licence with me. Strike two. I decided to try my luck at Cambridge Savings Bank. I knew my account was negative there, but I hoped they would cash my with just one form of identification anyway. The teller told me the system wouldn't let her do it because my account was overdrawn. I asked by how much, and it was only $3.76. Aparently I had a little over $20 in the account when the overdraft fee hit. Seeing as the amount was so small, I told her to take the $3.76 out of the check, cash my check as a customer with one form of identification, then close my account. She did, and I'm now done with banks (except what will be my monthly trip to cash my check). ----- ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} purpleglitter drove me to my therapy appointment at 5:15. I signed in at the front desk and waited. 5:30, no therapist. The receptionist paged her. 5:45, no therapist. The receptionist paged her again, then noted that my appointment time was actually at 6:00 and not my normal time, and that's probably why my therapist wasn't responding. I had things to do, so I just left.----- purpleglitter dropped me off at the corner and went up to her house to bake merryperseis's birthday cake. I fell heading from the corner to my house, spilling my Monster. Several people asked if I was okay, but no one called anyone on me. I got back in the house and ended up lying in bed for some stupid reason and fell asleep. I drifted in and out of sleep and seizure for a couple hours, having nasty dreams that everything was getting worse and that I was being locked away forever. Finally, merryperseis came into my room and helped me out of bed. I ended up falling on the floor in the hall and sat there until I felt balanced enough to go down the stairs.----- recoiling, purpleglitter, and iamacliche were downstairs and we had quite a wonderful time celebrating the anniversary of merryperseis's birth. Towards 1:00 I started feeling very twitchy again, and couldn't really get up from the couch. All the non-residents of the ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} house_of_clocks had left, and merryperseis had to go to purpleglitter's apartment and pick up my meds, my Metamucil cookies, and mazzycat's tuna for me. I was planning on just crashing on the couch, but did eventually make it up to my room and to sleep.----- Everyday is an adventure nowadays. Some moments I feel so elated I could fly, others I feel suicidal hopelessness, and others I'm simply on the ground. I have some very difficult moral choices to make. The kind where there is no good choice and I must find the one that is least wrong. Another day today. Another day again. Days just seem to come one after another these days. | |||||||||||||||||
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indifferent| Voice Post: | |||||||
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| Undefined Future | |||||||||||||||||
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Just got back from therapy. We discussed both reasons I have been considering therapy. I discussed the events of the last week and told her that I didn't want to be on psych meds and that it has completely solidified my previously existing distrust of the medipsych establishment and want to leave every part of it, including therapy. She said that she did believe that I needed psych meds. I explained that if I start taking psych meds, the best case scenario is that just when they get the regiment straightened out to where it is helping me, I'll have to go off them again because on January 1st I'll be dropped from the MassHealth prescription plan and placed on the new Medicare prescription plan with its much higher co-pays and lack of flexibility. I'll be lucky to be able to keep affording my hormones, much less taking on the additional hassle and cost of psych meds. She thought that was a sound reason not to take them, and said she respects that decision. It's things like this that help me separate her in my mind from the medipsych system in general. Yes, she works in the system, but she is not a fan of it. I figured out that I do want to remain in therapy with her. However, want might not be the biggest part of the equation. If I lose MassHealth, I may have to leave therapy whether I want to or not. Robin wants me to keep in touch with her on what happens in that regard. She was frustrated that DMH didn't work out, but blames them more than me, which makes me feel better even though I blame myself. Losing MassHealth will screw up more things than just therapy, I really hope that it doesn't happen. | |||||||||||||||||
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| Safety and Self Care | ||||||||||||
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My assignment for this week from my therapist was to sign up for the Safety and Self Care group on Monday nights. It's basically a group to help me with eating right, minimizing drug use, taking my meds, showering, paying bills, cleaning house, cutting, and suicidality. All that good functional life stuff. Not all of those things are things I'm having problems with, but I'm having problems with enough of them that she believes I should join this group. | ||||||||||||
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mellow| Found | |||||||||||||||||
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happy| Missing Meds | |||||||||||||||||
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I lost my estradiol and spironolactone. They just seem to have disappeared. I can't figure out what I might have done with them. I can't afford to get the prescriptions replaced, and will have to wait quite a while to get refills. I really don't like doing without my hormones. I get really bitchy when my hormones are out of whack. The last time I saw them was three days ago. While I hate losing things, I seem very adept at it. | |||||||||||||||||
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high| Lake's Birthday | |||||||||||||||||
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| zarthon took purpleglitter and me out to Rudy's for purpleglitter's birthday dinner. I got Enchiladas Verdes sans the cheese and sour cream. After dinner, we headed down to the Diesel Café, where we all partook of caffeinated beverages. After the Diesel, we split up. zarthon went over Stop & Shop to get Lake's cheesecake, and purpleglitter and I went back to purpleglitter's place. Back at purpleglitter's we realized that I didn't have my meds with me. So I took purpleglitter's car back to the house_of_clocks, while purpleglitter stayed at home to wait for zarthon. I was excited about getting to drive, as I don't get to do that much.I'm now back at purpleglitter's apartment with purpleglitter and zarthon celebrating purpleglitter's birthday with Ketel One madrasses.----- There will be a small party celebrating purpleglitter's birthday at the house_of_clocks 10:00pm Saturday. | |||||||||||||||||
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| Errands | |||||||||||||||||
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Went to the Goodwill in davis_square. The second time we went there this week, but purpleglitter needed items from the downstairs which is closed on Thursdays. purpleglitter picked up several baskets and a little wood wagon for her apartment. Then across the street to the Family Dollar, where purpleglitter picked up a nice lamp and shade.purpleglitter decided to go to Pep Boys to get her oil changed on Monday or Tuesday rather than today, figuring there would be more of a wait on the weekend.Upon returning to Arlington, purpleglitter treated me to some samosa chole chat at Punjab. Yummie.Next to Walgreens, where I picked up lightbulbs (both in my room were out), hydrocortisone, and a refill on my spironolactone. | |||||||||||||||||
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hot| No Meds | |||||||||||||||||
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I'm spending the night at purpleglitter's appartment. I forgot to bring my meds. I'll have to catch up in the morning. I hope this doesn't throw off my levels too much. | |||||||||||||||||
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I looked up and down Mass Ave. I looked around Spy Pond. I looked under the benches. I didn't find God. Time to take my meds and go to bed. | |||||||||||||||||
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sleepy| Lake Saves the Day | |||||||||||||||||
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read my last entry, came over and took away the "new toy" (an exacto knife). She also took away the Nyquil and sleeping pills I bought yesterday. ----- purpleglitter is going to dye my hair in a few minutes. Red. Since my hair was dyed black about a month ago, the roots are starting to come in. The red won't dye over the black, but it will dye the roots. It's a look I've done before, and one I really like.----- purpleglitter says my breasts are shrinking because I'm not eating enough. I don't like that. Not one little bit. But letting myself gain weight is so hard. I don't know what to do. I waited so long and fought so hard to get the hormones, I don't want to lose to my eating disorder what they've given me. I don't know how to fight the eating disorder. I need professional help with it, but nobody who can help me is willing to. | |||||||||||||||||
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| Today Is Not the Day | |||||||||||||||||
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Not only is Bebe off to the bank and going to bring back the money she owes today, she may be doing me a huge favor. It all depends if her MassHealth has been canceled yet (she knows they're going to cancel it, just not when). If it hasn't been canceled, she has a prescription for FemHRT which she doesn't take. It's an estrogen and progesterone replacement she was taking for hot flashes associated with menopause. Unfortunately the estrogen in FemHRT is at significantly lower dosage than I'm on. But something is better than nothing, and if she's still on MassHealth it'll only cost $0.50 to fill! I hope it works out. Keeping my fingers crossed. Even if this works out, I still have to figure out what to do about my spironolactone, which runs out tomorrow. | |||||||||||||||||
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| Fuck It | |||||||||||||||||
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cambridge hospital called. some supervisor nixed my application for therapy there, because i don't live in cambridge or somerville. it really doesn't matter. according to the next call, asking for money, which i can't pay for my insurance, i'm now officially uninsured as of 3 days ago. the soonest i can get masshealth is a month and a half. so that means no fucking therapy or even hormones. i'm upset about the hormones. who really cares about the therapy. i hate fucking therapists and pdocs. do they really care? no. they just want my fucking money. i don't have any, so they can shove it up their asses. i hate them. therapists are just con artists that will fuck around with your head if you pay them enough dollars. they can all go to hell. | |||||||||||||||||