where am i going?
do i need to go somewhere?
i feel as if i do
where i am now is not bad
it is not unpleasant
but it is not where i want to stay
i must move on

i remember when life was constant flux
chaos
everything changed every few days
while perhaps i do not want to go back to that extreme
i do not like stagnation
i need motion
i need change
those days of chaos were not too long ago
although they feel like a different world
i want to seek out the middle path
the road in-between

my curry powder is old
i was not sure if it is still good
the smell test seemed in order
i smelled too hard, though
and now i am in pain
i have learned my lesson:
snorting curry powder is bad

edit:
i figured out why i had trouble smelling the curryness of the curry
i was smelling the wrong jar
i had the extra-hot chili powder jar by mistake
that is what went up my nose
explains the pain too

yesterday
as lake was leaving
i found a pigeon in the back garden
she was just sitting there
i went up to her
she was unable to fly
i picked her up and put her in a box
and gave her some food
and water
i checked her wings
they were not broken
i tried to coax her to fly
but all she could do was flutter
she got used to me quickly
and would step up onto my hand
and she even jumped onto my shoulder

the rain was coming
i couldn't leave her outside
so i got one of the bird cages we don't use anymore
and put her in it
in the basement
i tried to find an animal rescue that would take her
no luck
everyone i called was at capacity
and gave me the same speech about not enough funding
i continued to try throughout the day

i kept watch on her in the basement
around 2, i brought her outside
she had lice
pretty bad lice
the rain had stopped
and i sat with her on the back porch
for about an hour and a half
picking the lice off her
and giving her scritches
she just laid in my hand

i gave her some water
from a bowl
as i held her

i put her back in her cage
i had other things to do during the day
the next time i went down she couldn't use her legs
she was flopping around the cage
she was getting worse
i gave her more water
though i had to hold her head up to the bowl
i picked some more of the lice off
and put her back

i was still trying to find a rehabber
but at this point it was becoming clear
i wouldn't find a place until the morning

the next time i went down
she was having spasms
i had talked to a vet
she told me to make sure to give her some gruel through an oral syringe
i had come down to do that
but i never did
her neck was twisted around so much that i thought it was broken
i moved it back
she was still alive
but she was stiff
she felt half-dead
it wasn't much longer
i buried her in the garden where i found her
the rains had started again
i placed her in the earth
with some wish pods
under the tree
in the garden
where she can fly away

i think i was wrong about my toe being broken
i think it is just badly sprained
not that the swelling has gone down
it is easier to tell
that is good
though it still hurts to walk
and running is out of the question
but it will heal much faster
not that i am planning to do much running in the near future

i feel a bit embarrassed about the confusion
but it's really not a big deal
i always feel as if i've failed when i'm wrong about something
i need to let myself be human
even if being human makes my skin crawl a bit
a bit of internalized anthropophobia

tonight was the last night of the bird meds
i am glad
tomorrow we will find if dubbins is better
i am worried

tomorrow is also paddington's grooming appointment
i moved it to tomorrow so lake could drive
because i had a not-broken toe
a strain would have stopped me to
so either way
tomorrow
which might be today by some people's estimation
but i don't change the day until neitherday has passed
the penny plan goes through neitherday
the day changes at 4am

i am tired
i must be up early
i should go to bed now
but i probably won't

i broke my toe today
i do not like having a broken toe
it hurts
however, at least it's just a toe broken
even though i can't run with a broken toe
i can still walk if i am careful
i taped my toe to it's neighbor
with a popsicle stick in between
cut to size of course
i don't think i'll be able to get paddington to the groomer tomorrow

the birds are sick
well only dubbins is know to be sick
protozoans
but they have to take meds twice a day
just in case
they hate it
and it makes me sad to give it to them
because i worry they hate me for making them take it
i've been giving it to them for 9 days
only one more day
and we see if dubbins is cured

we found out sir dubbins is a girl
but she'll always be our sir dubbins

the penny plan goes well, but i have made it incredibly complicated
the whole things start simply thing
that's just the way it is

i haven't been on livejournal much lately
mostly because the penny plan
because i have to pay to use livejournal
although i often miss the level of interaction i had with people here
it is probably a good thing that i am getting things done

i am hungry
i should eat some food

all is as it should be, even when it isn't.

there are infinite possibilities
but at this time and in this place
this is the only way things could be
if things were different, we'd be somewhere else

the universe is here because it is
as the angles of a triangle in a euclidean space always add up to half a circle
it is object fact that never changes
this universe is a fact outside of its own physical reality
it is a truth and that is enough

i'm just not fit for snow shoveling anymore
but it still needs to be done
so i did it
it's cold out there
i'm pretty dizzy in here, but it is done
for now
there is more snow falling
it won't be done for long
winter in massachusetts

traffic is incredibly backed up
purpleglitter can't leave
she can't even get out of the garage
berv is sad.

when a window shatters
you can pick up the pieces
and glue them back together
but the cracks will still be there
the window will never be the same again

the window is always shattering
there are so many cracks that what is behind the window can no longer be seen
the cracks have become the world
but what lies beyond
is still there and never dies

i hate how angry i can get
i've been wearing the demon eyes too much lately
and i've lost that place of center again
i need to work back to it or i am going to drive myself... i don't know
i was going to say "crazy"
but i've always been crazy
and one cannot drive oneself to where one already is
but i need to find that spot again
i know that it is possible
i know that i can
i just need to
i get here every now and again
and i suppose i always will
the path of life is windy
and getting lost every now and then is a bit inevitable
the point is to not give up when your lost
the point is to keep moving
always keep moving
find the path again

waiting in the dark for sleep to find me
i hear them
i hear them talk
they talk not to me
they just talk
they seem so familiar
and yet i do not know them
they are all around me
and yet i do not see them
perhaps they are manifestations of a new and slow creeping madness
or perhaps they are but fore-echoes of dream
i do not know

i fear spending the rest my years sitting in a corner mumbling nonsense to myself
or drugged out of my mind — a drooling vacant zombie
for now, let them be dreams

I saw my therapist yesterday. I think I am going to start seeing her regularly again, at least for a little while. My head is clogged up and I need to let a lot of things out.

There was a time I used to let things out more here on LiveJournal than in my therapists office. I tell her things I tell no one else. This is a sign of my trust of my therapist, even while I have a extremely low opinion of the mental health system in general.

I'm very lucky that I have access to a therapist that I don't have to worry about overreacting and having me locked up. She has professional standards that she must adhere to – but if I say something that might potentially get me trouble, I always have a chance to backtrack and "clarify". Without this, I doubt I could be as open with her as I am.

My therapist is the only mental health professional I trust at this point. I will not see a psychiatrist and I will not live on psych meds. My therapist knows this and has accepted it. She may not agree with the decision, but she will not force her opinion on me and she knows better than to badger me about it. That I have found such respect a rarity in the mental health field.

Perhaps in time I will return to writing more here. Unlike in therapy, these days I am more cautious how I put things online. Perhaps I should begin writing poetry again. Perhaps deeper into metaphor is the way to go. Or, perhaps edited stream of consciousness. Or something else, perhaps. We shall see.

i realize i can't make myself disappear.
the events of this morning tell me i am needed
again
as if joining the choir
i do not think i can leave
however much tempting that is
i am bound here
by thread i dare not break

i'm going to disappear slowly from everything
untangling the web
so that i might fly free without disturbing that which i hold dear

Sometimes, fleetingly, I think that I should like to live my life in chronological order. It would be simpler at the very least.

Other times I don't even notice that it's not in order.

Or that bits are missing.

Nothing's amiss until I look at it.

It's like a dream in that way. In fact, I'm not throughly convinced that it isn't one.

the Universe is neither fair nor righteous nor good
fair and righteous and good are human concepts
subjective judgements

it's likewise flawed to say things are the way God has meant them to be
as intent is a human concept itself

if you believe God listens to and answer your prayers
do you know what listening and answering is to God?
do you think God listens or answers in anything close to the human concept of those words?
when you ask in your prayers for what you believe is needed
do you think that you know more than God what is needed or that God shall not act until you ask?

God is the grain of sand
and the beach the grain sits on
and the shore the beach is found on
and the ocean the shore borders
and the world which holds the ocean
and the star the world orbits
and the galaxy the star lives in
and the cluster the galaxy resides in
and the universe the cluster exists in
God is the Universe of universes
everything that is anywhere
in time and space
and outside time and space
there is not anything which is not God
God is the All the Universe the Everything

we are so removed from the level of the All that we cannot hope to understand It
It is beyond our vision
beyond our place
but we can know that things are
and things are because that is how things are
and all things are part of the All that is all things
and the All that is all things is God
and that is enough

when i was homeless i could not stay in a shelter because i am a tranny
i felt not part of the society around me
i most hated the goody goody
the "proper and respectable"
i lurked in the shadows and stole from the shops
i snuck into buildings (trespassing) for warmth and sleep
i was neither proper nor respectable
but i felt my stealing and trespassing reasonable
i still believe they were
but the "proper and respectable" never will

i carried a lot of anger as i walked the darknesses
looking at the happy faces heading home burned my eyes red with fire
it has been long time to let go of these ancient angers
and to look now with clear eyes

i am outside me now
i see how that anger still taints my political views
i identify with the underdog
the downtrodden
i inherently distrust the proper and respectable
in the current conflict in the middle east
the palestinians and the lebanese have gone through much more strife and hardship than i ever have
and israel is the "proper and respectable"
this adds a layer of distrust to whatever it does
bush’s support drives that home
the bush administration has mastered the self-righteousness "proper and respectable"

i must observe that my emotions play in my political beliefs
my views may or may not be wrong
and after exploring them my view may or may not
but it is important for me to explore those biases
and what blindnesses those biases might be producing

if one cannot question oneself
one does not have an open mind

one cannot help but make harm
to live hurts
and hurts those around
consuming
and moving
break the space around you
as the dread pirate roberts said:
life is pain
anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something

we see only that which our narrow focus allows
even looking at the big picture is a narrow focus
one loses some of the small
even with all the shudders open
we can only take in so much
we do with what we have
seeing what we see
they say the road to hell is paved in good intentions
but inaction can lead there just the same
good intentions alone do not always good actions make
and we cannot do good action all the time
because we only see a narrow focus
we cannot see where all our actions lead
we all do harm
we can try to do more good than harm
even so we will sometime still do harm instead
we are half-blind elephants in a shop of glassware
it is inevitable

no prayer will save you
no angel is coming
no level of consciousness will lead from here
none of us can ever leave
we are bound to this place
because we are this place
we are you
and we are me
we are the rocks and the oceans and trees and the mountains
we are the beyond the veil and we are the veil
there is nothing that is not this place
as there is nothing is not us
we are this place
we cannot leave ourselves