i'm really stressed out
i'm got a million things to do before the roommate interview tomorrow
i don't think i'm going to get done
i want to get drunk
but my temp therapist made me promise not to drink this week
probably a good thing
because i've got a million things to get done
i've got to finish packing lake's boxes
i've got to clean the house_of_clocks
but i'm really bad at accomplishing things
i need to take lots of breaks or i get overwhelmed
but i don't have time to take lots of breaks
so i accomplish nothing
i freeze up
i feel like giving up
i feel like i already have
i don't know what to do
i want a drink
but i can't drink
i don't know what to do

tomorrow i have an appointment with my pdoc
it's a "safety check"
essentially in 15 minutes or less she will decide if i need to go to the psych emergency room
from where i may be placed in a hospital
so no pressure or anything
i do so badly in these stressful situations
and i can't do badly
i have to do good
i don't want to get locked up
i want to stay out
but i always say things that get me stuck in
because i know sometimes it is better to go in
but i don't think this is the time
i know i'm probably not getting locked up tomorrow
but it is still scary that i might
sometimes i think going to the hospital is a good idea
vacation from the everyday stresses
but then i remember it really sucks there
but i need to be there sometimes
or at least needed to be there
i wouldn't be here if it weren't for being on psych wards sometimes
i'd be dead
so, sometimes they are good things
but i don't think i'm in a place now where i need to go
so a stay would be sucky right now
because i don't need it
and i may be taking up a bed someone else could use
that's the main reason i don't want to be in the hospital
there are people who could use those resources more than i could
we'll find out tomorrow
i'll probably be fine
i'm doing better than i was just a few days ago
i'll probably be fine
i believe that sometimes
and sometimes i don't
sometimes i think everything around me is about to fall apart
that i'll completely lose my mind
that i'll end up rocking in the back of some state institution for the rest of my life
mumbling incoherently to myself
i'll end up in a padded room
do they still have those?
i don't like it when i think those thoughts
i like to think i'm going to be okay
i like to think i'm getting better
i like to think good things
but i can't help worrying about the scary scenarios
i don't know where my mind is going
but in this storm how can i see?
i ride on the surface above the storm
detach myself from the storm
dissociate myself from it
i make it not real
i make myself not real either
so it's no big deal
if i'm not real
and the storm in my head isn't real
then who really cares?
why does it matter?
what am i so scared of?
why am i asking why if i'm not real?
am i real?
i don't like to come to conclusions like that
so i avoid that line of questioning
i can therefore delude myself
and handily forget that i deluded myself
it works pretty well
i don't feel anything
when i'm not real

i fell down again
after a talk with george
stressing paying the rent on time
i'm afraid he's going to evict us if things don't shape up
and i don't know how things are going to shape up
i just froze in front of walgreens
luckily mutehalo was there to shoo people away
so i didn't get taken to the hospital
i'm afraid if this keeps up i won't be able to leave the house alone
i refuse to live like that
trapped
everything is collapsing
i'm going to get drunk tonight
i spent the rest of the money i have until the 2nd on some alcohol
stupid, i know
but right now i'm in a space that i don't care
i'm accused of being self-destructive
might as well prove them right
fuck it all

I went to clintcatalyst's and Michelle Tea's reading of their new book, Pills, Thrills, Chills, and Heartache. I met up with clintcatalyst and purpleglitter beforehand and we sat around talking at purpleglitter's house. I met clintcatalyst once before, but I was waiting for my ride to the psych ward so we didn't interact much. This time we interacted quite a bit, and he is absolutely fagulous. I had big fun.

After the reading, I went out for food with clintcatalyst, Michelle Tea, and a bunch of people from the reading. I got to tell Michelle the circumstances under which I first read her books. I read Valencia in the back of a prayer group at Holy Family catholic hospital. I was on the psych ward there, and purpleglitter had brought it for me to read. Michelle really enjoyed hearing the story.

Full of pizza and fries, clintcatalyst, purpleglitter and I headed back to purpleglitter's apartment where we watched last Sunday's highly stressful episode of the Sopranos. But what episode of the Sopranos isn't highly stressful? I think that's part of the draw of the series, experiencing the stress, but have it be in no way related to you. It's actually quite cathartic and relieving.

purpleglitter took many pictures from last night, some of me, some of which I will post sometime soon. I was wearing a cute gothic schoolgirl dress that purpleglitter got me for my birthday. Stripy tights, completely gothed out. I gothed out, because I wanted to dress up for the occasion, and my red Little Orphan Annie dress doesn't fit anymore. All my dressy clothes that still fit are goth.

All in all, I must say, it's very exciting to meet people who are on your LiveJournal interest list.

slept for quite a while
purpleglitter and merryperseis are behind me
hanging out in my room
i'm still a bit twitchy
but doing better
i can walk around without falling down
dicotomygrrl is coming over tonight
i haven't seen her in a couple weeks
i have a good feeling about tonight
that it's going to be peaceful and relaxing
maybe that will help take the rest of the twitchies away
i'm about to get ready for the evening
maybe i can get better without staying in the hospital all winter
i can at least try
i want to try
things are looking up in some ways
but there is a lot of stress on the horizon
will i bend or break
i guess i'll have to wait and see

There are so many things stressing me out right now, many of which aren't my prerogative to post about. I was positively shaking heading into my last day at the partial program this morning. I didn't make it in on time because I went to bed at 3:30am and woke up late. And, when I actually did wake up, I was having panic attacks, and hid back under the covers.

The facilitator of the first group asked me if I needed to take a break, because I was noticeable doing not well. I don't know the whole reason she thought we weren't doing well, because I don't remember much of that group. The time-out did me well, and I was no longer panicking by the time lunch started.

The last group before wrap up was a OT group. I made a collage that I'm quite proud of. It's sort of a dream/nightmare sort of thing. I cut a lot of pictures out of National Geographic. An article on heroin and an article on dream research came in particularly handy.

It was sad saying goodbye to everyone at the end of the day. I really liked the other patients at the partial program. I will be keeping in touch with a few of them, but I worry we'll have the same level of comradery on the outside.

zarthon came over last night. Spent some time sitting around the livingroom and kitchen. Mostly idle chit chat. But, sometimes idle chit chat is good.

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Stressed out today. Dealing with Social Security Disability. They resent me some papers that I have to sign and send back (I lost them the first two times they sent them to me). Only the papers that they sent me are BLANK. Now I have to go into the office today to try to get them to print me out some more. If not, I have to wait until they can resend the forms yet again. I'm sure I'm highly annoying them. I hate bureaucracies! I have the sinking feeling I'm going to run through all these loops and wait and wait and then simply be turned down again. It's all very disheartening.

The way to get to Lake's job is stressful and convoluted. I'm going to have to go with Lake tomorrow morning to navigate for her. I'm going to have to take a couple busses and the T to get back home. Oh, fun morning, and I don't even get paid.