we are as immortal as the universe
as ancient as eternity
only from are incarnate forms do we see the illusion of the finite
this is the only place, because it is every place
again, as i wrote last night
we are in the middle of forever in the only place we will ever be
i watched the sun rise today
it appears as an awakening
but from what slumber?
has the world ever slept?
has the constant progression of cause and effect every paused?
cause and effect is thought
it is "if this then that"
a simple eternal program out of which all creation is melded
no computer is needed to run this program
it simply is because it must be
it must be simply because it can be
and it can be because it is possible
forget it all and begin again
ad infinitum
forever

This morning I greeted the sun by making snow angels on Spy Pond.

I'm sitting in tears in a sea of tattered tinfoil. The playroom is dying. The bare wall staring hauntingly through the gashes. I feel this room still echoes our mindscape. The House of Clocks is dying. The playroom is dying. Dying. I cry. All this is ending. I feel I must soon, as well. The end of an era. A slow, painful death. Finally, a peace must come.

Tomorrow is another day. Another sunrise. We will sleep soon. We will awaken tomorrow. But, how many more mornings shall we wake? How many more can we? No longer can I bear these things. No longer can we fight the monsters. Those of us who are still meagerly fighting. Most of us have become twisted or meek or forgotten or lost. We are fading out. Like this place. Like the House of Clocks. Like the playroom. Our days are numbered.

Met coolwhitestare by the bike trail at 4:30am. She had mentioned that we'd need light for our trek through the great meadow, so I brought a candle. I dressed in flowy black and wore my black hat with the purple flower on it. I haven't dressed like that in a while, and while I think it worked for this morning's excursion, I don't think I'm going to go back to it as my everyday style.

The walk to the Great Meadow was very refreshing. I am surprised that the candle was able to stay lit in the cold rain, but somehow it did.

Upon entering the wood, I discovered that the candle wasn't quite as useful as it had been on the bike trail. I could actually see better without having to deal with the glare of the candle constantly screwing up my night-adjusted vision.

The trail to the stepping stones is still flooded out. I find that quite strange, because waterlevels around the state are extremely low. There must be some fundamental change to the waterflow of the bog, flooding the trail. I don't know if there is another way to get to the stepping stones, or even if the stepping stones themselves are above water.

We spent some time just talking in a clearing. Very peaceful and quiet...I love the wood in the early morning, in the late evening, or during neitherday. Actually, I love the wood during the day, too. I just love the wood.

We left the way we came. Back on the bike trail, the candle was completely unnecessary, as the sky had begun to brighten. Still completely overcast, but definitely brightening. A perfect tone to end a wonderful excusion.

Back from the water tower. The sunrise was wonderful. It's a 20-25 minute uphill hike to the water tower, but well worth it. From the water tower you can see the entire skyline of Boston cast in marvelous shades of green, purple, and pink. The water tower itself is beautiful as well. Not one of those white-painted metal blimp water towers, but a beautiful round structure of granite and limestone.

Coming back I had a bit of a disturbing experience. My vision started getting blurry. Then my eyes began involuntarily flickering. I heard a voice say "You think that was odd?" and suddenly I went from being near the top of the hill to being near the bottom. I can't imagine what could possibly have been a trigger. At least, I traveled in the direction that I had wanted to.

I'm going to walk up to the water tower at Park Circle. There I shall await the sunrise.

By scraping the bottom of my 2 pipes and the small crumbs in the bags I have left, I managed to get enough pot together to get slightly high tonight. Not enough to get as stoned as I'd like to, but enough to get buzzed. I'd do it now, but something inside me won't let me smoke up at 5am. I know it's crazy. My schedule is shot to hell, so why shouldn't I?

One reason: Soon I'll be taking my meds, which will quite possibly put me to sleep. What a waste that would be.

Another reason: It's much nicer at night and the sun will be up soon.

I just got back from the swings. It's a nice walk there and back as the sun's coming up. I do love swinging to the sunrise with Lake.

My feet hurt a little, as my shoes aren't fully broken in yet. Walking a distance in them does a number on the skin of the back of my heels. My bones protrude further than normal behind my feet and shoes aren't really made for that shape. I simply have to suffer the first 5 or 6 times I wear a pair of shoes.

During the walk Lake asked if we've been feeling safe lately. I told her that we did some of the time. Lake thinks we should take all our meds if we don't feel safe. I don't like all of them. I take my hormones and half of my Zoloft, but that's it. I don't really want to take the other three: Seroquel, Lorazepam, and Lithium. They make us tired and foggy. Yes, we're safer, but that's only because we can't do anything.

--
Earlier today I started dancing, but soon stopped as my mood changed. I hope to dance more later today. I don't dance enough, and in a month someone will be moving into my favorite room for dancing, so I'd better enjoy it while it lasts. I'd like to keep this place for just me and Lake, but we simply can't afford it.

Petra is going to be one of our new roommates. I knew Petra back when I was homeless in Western Massachusetts years ago. She's a wonderfully original and intelligent person, and I hope she'll be an excellent roommate. Friends as roommates can have good and bad aspects. You know that you already like the person, and already know some of their issues before they move in. On the other hand, sometimes friends can be a lot different then you expected to live with, and when thing go badly you risk not only losing a roommate, but also a friendship. I've had friends as roommates turn out both ways.