My dad:

His surgery went fine and should be out in time to vote straight Republican. They are going to put the second stint in next Monday. Things are looking good and he appears very willing to give up cigarettes.

Me:

I do not have Behçet's disease (with about a 95% certainty). However, he was cautious about the" ulcerations" on my tongue and suggests that I get a biopsy after I get a teeth cleaning. He did not have a suggestion as to what they might be looking for with a biopsy. I've had the ulcerations on my tongue for as long as I can remember, the one dentist I asked said I must be biting my tongue in my sleep. I accepted that then, but now am questioning that assessment.

Of course, since the doctor I saw today is an Behçet's expert and outside my normal insurance it would make sense to attempt to find the care in-network. I'm not even sure if this is where I want to put my energy: if the weird tongue issues are not connected, I'd rather concentrate on the vertigo.

My dad has a stint put in tomorrow morning. I understand that there is not much risk to the procedure, but I still worry.

When I was 18 I wanted to have my surgery by the time I was 25. I wanted to get it done while I was young and could then enjoy my youth without having to deal with a body I did not want.

I waited a long time. Now I am 32 and I wait no longer. This is not because it has come to pass, but because I believe it never will.

Ganked from sophiaserpentia:

For Immediate Release: July 8, 2006 From: The National Transgender Advocacy Coalition (NTAC) Contact: NTAC Chair, Vanessa Edwards Foster; Houston, Texas Contact Email: ntacmedia@aol.com media@ntac.org Contact Phone: 832-483-9901 Website: http://www.ntac.org Transgenders Claim FEMA Sex Change Scandal Was Fabricated, Fraudulent Last month, the Government Accountability Office (GAO) testified before a House Homeland Security subcommittee to spotlight $1.4 billion fraudulent waste of Emergency Assistance Funds (EAF) to Hurricane Katrina victims. The unprecedented level of Federal Emergency Management Agency fraud was blared over television newscasts and emblazoned on newspaper headlines: "FEMA funds paid for a sex change." However, the National Transgender Advocacy Coalition (NTAC) is now publicly calling the media and authorities on this claim, demanding proof that this occurred and calling the press on this claim "fabricated" and "fraudulent." In reviewing both House subcommittee testimony and the GAO report that uncovered the fraud there was no reference of a sex change, nor any surgery of any type being paid for by FEMA funds. "It appears [the sex change] story was prime red meat for conservatives looking to turn attention away from the President, and onto Katrina victims and FEMA," said NTAC President Vanessa Edwards Foster. "It also appears there's no veracity to the story that EAF funds were used for gender reassignment surgery. These press claims are what's fraudulent." House Homeland Security Investigations subcommittee chair Rep. Michael McCaul (R-TX) called the discovered waste "criminal" but never mentioned anything about sex changes. However Rep. Charles Dent (R-PA) did note the sex change claim shortly after the House testimony, commenting, "I don't understand how this could happen." How the sex change allegation originated remains unclear. The June 14, 2006 story by Larry Margasak of the Associated Press noted a sex change in a laundry list of items scammed from FEMA. While outlets as diverse as Washington Post, Los Angeles Times, ABC News, MSNBC, Bloomberg Report carried the story, the more conservative news outlets such as Wall Street Journal or Fox News made no mention of the sex change accusation. When questioned about the story, the GAO's Office of Public Affairs stated "there was no reference to that allegation … because we cannot confirm it." "The press reported on fabricated claims of sex changes paid with FEMA funds, but no media ever mentioned $2,000 paid to a Christian Broadcast Network from EAF payments," Foster of NTAC commented. The GAO report listed $2,000 paid to Colorado-based LeSEA Broadcasting Network. After anguishing over the initial FEMA news reports, NTAC Vice President Courtney Sharp said she "was shocked to discover that the [GAO] report didn't mention anything about anyone misusing funds to have gender reassignment surgery." A New Orleans resident who lost nearly everything during Katrina, Sharp said she listened as co-workers and friends disparaged the person who used FEMA funds to obtain a sex change. "[It] was extremely hurtful to realize that someone had embellished the GAO report and was probably using the negative stereotypes about transgender people [for] media attention." Sharp said she now feels the public was "bamboozled" by the news report. "There's an inherent media bias in this story," NTAC's Foster continued. "If you have transsexuals having sex changes it's great press - even if it is uncorroborated! But a confirmed report of emergency victims' funds paid to a faith-based broadcaster is deemed not press-worthy." While acknowledging many Americans have no problem with faith-based groups receiving money, she noted that they would likely not be keen on funds intended for needy victims in an emergency being given instead to a broadcast group to spread the gospel. "I smell a rat behind the fabrication of this news report. It's very Karl Rove," Foster commented. "It uses an unwitting transgender community to bludgeon Hurricane Katrina victims." She called the uncorroborated claim in the press "despicable." "Ten months after Hurricane Katrina, residents of the Gulf Coast continue to struggle to rebuild their lives," NTAC's Sharp observed. "The impact has been truly unimaginable. Like the majority of residents, transgender people are responsible, productive, law abiding members of the community and they are also playing important roles in rebuilding the devastated areas. "The media attack on the transgender community," Sharp finished, "served as my fifth personal "tidal surge" post-Katrina." Whether originating from Congress, the press or an administration press operative, NTAC urges the responsible party to own up to, and publicly apologize for unfairly portraying the transgender community, and for deceiving the American public. ----- Founded in 1999, NTAC - the National Transgender Advocacy Coalition - is a civil rights organization working to establish and maintain the right of all transgendered, intersexed, and gender-variant people to live and work without fear of violence or discrimination.

Skye is egg bound with a soft shell egg. It is pressing against her nerve, which is causing her limp leg. They are going to try some treatments on her overnight to try to get her to pass the egg on her own. If she doesn't she will have to undergo surgery. I hope she can pass it on her own, as surgery is very tramatic for small birds. Poor Skye. I love her.

I was hooked up to the EEG equipment this morning. I was anticipating looking like a Borg drone, but they wrapped my head and I look more like I just had brain surgery. I'm very nervous, because I'm fraught with self doubt. I'm afraid to push the button that registers events because i worry that maybe all those people were right and I've been imagining everything. I hate this. purpleglitter has convinced me to press the button twice, but I don't know if I should have. I don't know if they were "enough" of events.

I also wasn't expecting a camera to be part of the equipment. I'm being filmed all day. I feel overly monitored and self conscious. I know this is just for a three days and will result in getting the correct treatment. Even though this is unpleasant, I must remember to be thankful that I am at last getting examined.

I have updated my profile. For simplicity's sake, I'm only posting the parts I changed here.

New Profile I have finally found a place I fit in. I have a place in my community. I am the madwoman. I am a multiple system. In older entries I used "we" often, but nowadays I usually (but not always) use "I". Just easier to write that way. I still identify as plural. I'm also a bisexual, vegetarian, polyamorous mtf pre-op transsexual. I have two wonderful girlfriends (purpleglitter and merryperseis) and two wonderful cats (mazzycat and madeleinecat) Old Profile I don't really fit in anywhere, but I'm okay with that. I have dissociative identity "disorder" (or the condition formally known as multiple personality "disorder".) You will notice that in the course of this journal I will use "I" for me and "I" and/or "we" for the system as a whole or the Central Group. Occasionally another alter will make a post, but for the most part this journal is mine. I'm bisexual and a pre-op transsexual (mtf). I've left behind my long gothic phase, and am currently molding my style into something infinitely more fabulous. I still have some gothic friends and gothic tendencies, but have been burnt too many times in the subculture to wish to continue immersion in it. I have decided to start my own. I have very eclectic musical tastes, as one might imagine. Diamanda is Goddess. My religion is my own. While I draw from both Neopaganism and Buddhism, most of it is simply what makes sense to me. I'm vegetarian. Meat is yuckie. I have two wonderful girlfriends (purpleglitter and merryperseis) and one wonderful cat (mazzycat). Buttercup is my favorite Powerpuff Girl.

There is no lower form of life than a transwoman who, after spending tens of thousands of dollars on surgery to pass, yells "fag" at another transwoman to impress her newfound straight "friends".

The widely held idea that a transsexual has only "changed genders" after surgery is incredibly classist. Even in the most "accepting" places, a transsexual's gender identity is not accepted until after surgery. I've been living as a woman for almost 10 years now, the only reason I haven't had surgery is that I'm poor. Does this make me any less of a woman than someone who is able to get surgery after 1 or 2 years of being out? Is a ftm transsexual who can't afford surgery any less of a man because of his lack of wealth? Why the hell is it that you have to have money to be considered who you are?

I don't think I'll ever get reassignment surgery or get to go back to school. I just don't see how I'm ever going to afford either. I probably never be able to complete electrolysis either. It's just not going to happen for me. I wish it could. But, I have to accept, that the way things are going, I'm never going to be able to get together the money for any of it. I've been living, out, as myself, as a woman, for over 9 fucking years, but I still haven't been able to afford surgery, and I doubt I ever will. I've gone through periods of stability where I was able to hold down a job and save some money. But it was never long enough. I always collapse. I'll probably be able to pull myself together again and get a job and start saving, but I know it will all crumble apart before it gets anywhere. I just have to give up my dreams, that's all there is to it.