I've left reality behind and it feels good. No drugs (at least for now), no gimmicks, just madness. Sure, I'm aware of my surroundings. I'm not hallucinating - too much. I can still manage to whip up a nice curry as will. But everything that was bothering me is gone. Not here right now. I don't even really remember what it was. Sure, if I want to I can go chase it down, but fuck that shit. I'm good at dissociation, and it's high time we used it to to make ourself happy. It's a crazy sort of happy. Manic may be another word for it. Everything is happy right now. Of course my constructs may come crashing down tomorrow or even tonight, but right now I don't care. But I don't care. We will sit on the floor with my cane and cackle. It's all funny. Everything is. We are chattering and being many and one. Switching persons, switching phases, switching reality, switching being. Maybe I'm not really anymore insane. Maybe my feeling more insane is simply an illusion of my already existing insanity. I feel as if I'm flying in a sea of bananas and I don't want to dry off.

i want to do acid
acid has always been great therapy for me
it was my therapy before i was brave enough to seek out psych professionals
sure, i freak out a little bit sometimes
have wicked bad trauma flashbacks or get caught in nasty loops
i get really switchy and lose time
but as a good friend of mine stated, acid is for freaking out sometimes
it's okay to freak out
it's actually helpful
i really want some again
i've learned so much on my trips
but i haven't been able to get it in years
it's been far too long since i visited tripland
i want to go back there
soon

i need to be more forgiving of myself
i get mad at myself for doing badly
and that only makes me do worse
i need to be okay with the fact that i do badly sometimes
let myself breath
if i slip up and purge, it doesn't mean i should look for ways to punish myself
if i end up in the hospital, i haven't been "bad"
i know these things already from an objective point of view
but integrating them into my thought patterns is hard work
but it's work i need to do
maybe i'll talk to my therapist about it
if i can handle a session with her without freaking out
i don't know if i can
i feel so uncomfortable around her
but i shouldn't
she explained what happened the other week
the reason she was trying to talk to others was to get an idea of safety
she wanted to make sure all of us were safe
that's understandable
she didn't mean to pull cyndi out
she didn't even know how dangerous cyndi was
i though she was being reckless
but she was just trying to help
i really need to give her another chance

( si triggery )

About a half hour after Cyndi cut (around 12:30am) I left the house. I was quite delusional and dazed. I walked down Mass Ave in my pajamas and bare feet. I walked in Mass Ave, sort of in a dance with the traffic. When cars would approach in one lane, I would move to the other.

The police did not like my dance. Several squad cars pulled up and I was brought to the psych emergency room at Cambridge Hospital. After 10 hours there I was transferred to Whidden Hospital, where I am now.

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Whidden Hospital is the most repressive place I've been yet. I'm not allowed to have a pen in my room. I'm not allowed to bring my stuffed animals out of my room. If I wake up late and miss "sharps time", I cannot shave. Getting vegan food has been a chore. The only plus is I have my own private shower.

posted by dan4th

zarthon and purpleglitter came over Tuesday. zarthon made very yummy chili that fed me and merryperseis for several days. I see far too little of zarthon. I wish he'd come over more often.

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Yesterday dan4th came over. We discussed my conversation with Cyndi. He was very helpful. Again, I see far too little of dan4th. I wish he'd come over more often too.

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I had a very rough night last night and a rough day today. I'm going over and over all the bad things I've ever done and trying to accept them. What I'm really doing by doing this is driving myself crazy. Well, more crazy. I feel like a horrible nasty person not fit to live. Maybe Cyndi wasn't trying to help. Maybe she is just trying to torment me a new way. I don't know, but if that is her game, it is working.

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merrypersies took me out for Indian food at Punjab today. Spicy food always cheers me up. On the way back, I bought a lottery ticket. A few million dollars will be sure to cheer me up too.

Cyndi just talked to me in the mirror. She talked about a need for acceptance. Acceptance that I've done some truly fucked up things in my time here on Earth. That I've never truly accepted that. But it is very true. I've done a lot of things I'm ashamed of. A lot of things I shouldn't have.

She also said that I need to accept that there were others in the body before us. What was here before a few years ago wasn't what is here now. We are a creation. I am a creation. A myth. But that it's okay to be a myth. What matters is that we exist now.The message almost seems to contradict itself in that I must accept things I have done, and then accept that some of those things were done before I came to exist. It's an odd message. I'm not sure what to make of it. Cyndi, as always, is a mindfuck.

the oil people still haven't come. it's been over a week with no heat. i've been heating the house with the stove. we can't order from someone else, because oil prices have skyrocketed in the past week. pretty much screwed. i don't know how we're going to keep paying rent even. nobody wants to take the downstairs room. i don't think anyone ever will. it's just too scary. i can't deal with all this. i don't think i'll ever record. i'll ever do anything. at the rate i'm going, i'm just going to keep falling into the abyss. everything is pointing to the one exit door. i want to take it. i want out.

can't exit today, got things to do. the house is a mess and people are coming over. none of us seem to be in cleaning mode. the central group is very unstable. i can tell we're extremely unstable, because the floaters can take more time when the central group is in turmoil. we tend to feed off each others doing bad, but the floaters aren't as effected. when we do good, the floaters can't break through to front that much. it's not that the floaters are bad, it's just scary not knowing what the body's up to. some people suggested that we consider going into the hospital. but with the holidays, its going to be crowed there now. they'll probably ship us off to holy family. i'm never going back there. ever. no no no.

didn't do to well at our pdoc appointment. too many triggers came up. was very out of sorts after leaving. a kitty alter that i've seen from time to time, but didn't quite process the meaning of, hissed at some people who were trying to help us off the sidewalk.

need to play more music.

The partial program was very boring. Very boring up until the point I had an intense panic attack. I don't know what triggered it, but I had to walk out of the group I was in. I walked directly into the coat closet in the kitchen. I wonder if all the recent talk of closets contributed to me hiding in there today. I cannot know.

I hid in the coat closet for a little while, then scurried into the bathroom. In the bathroom mirror, Cyndi started her tormenting. But, Shirley bested her at her own game. Put Cyndi in her place. It was fabulous. No one has ever been able to stand up to Cyndi like that before. Hooray for Shirley! I felt much better after seeing that.

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I had to leave the partial program an hour early to make it to an appointment with our pdoc. The appointment went very well. Deborah, Shirley, and I took turns talking. We got quite a bit out.

I was half-expecting her to adjust our meds again, but she said that wouldn't be necessary at this point. The sleep problems I was having have gone way since I started the trazodone. And, while I haven't noticed a difference myself, purpleglitter and zarthon have both commented that we seem to be doing better since we started taking the Geodon. Since I haven't noticed any negative effects of Geodon and purpleglitter and zarthon noted only positive ones, not changing it is probably a good idea.

This post in myenergy's journal disturbed me greatly. As a child, I exhibited very similar behaviours. I still do sometimes. Especially when having flashbacks. Continually hiding coiled up under my desk was the reason I was put into a "behavior disorder" program from the 1^st thru 4^th grades. I don't remember hiding under desks as a child, I've just been told about it. I assume that it was another alter. One who knew more than me.

It horrifies me to wonder what must have happened to the student myenergy talks about. That sort of behaviour doesn't just occur without a reason. Something happened to that girl. Something horrible. Whether it was abuse or some sort of nasty accident, I can't know for sure. However, her repeating the words "Don't touch me." leads me to believe it was/is probably abuse.

The post reminds me again that sort of evil has not left. It is not "in the past". It is in the here and now, and must be stopped. Countless broken souls are relegated to the streets and asylums and dimly lit nightmares. And more are being readied. All the time, more are being readied. Hell is hungry. It must be stopped.

The partial program went very well up until the end, today. We had a CBT group, which is something I still want to get into a program for. In the next group we discussed stigma. A normal topic I've been in many group discussions of, but this one took on a much more interesting slant. I like interesting slants.

We also had a discussion in yet another group about the benefits of marijuana. The facilitator was notably unenthusiastic, but me and another patient presenting the same side of the debate ran circles around her. We talked about marijuana being not physically addictive versus alcohol and several physically addictive psych meds. We brought up the fact that many people quit drinking by starting smoking marijuana. Mentioned that something that can help many of us, and has a minimal effect on the body, can't be such a bad thing. That self-medicating is often needed when psych meds fail. The facilitator was hard pressed to come up with anything more than "That's okay, but I don't recommend using marijuana.".

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With how well things were going, I was surprised to find myself at the end of the partial program on the floor scared and shaking and disorientated. The staff people were offering to take me to the psych emergency room, and asked me a lot of questions. I told them I'd be able to make it home, and that Harriette was meeting me there, so they let me go.

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I arrived home at 4:15pm and Harriette arrived shortly thereafter. We had tea and discussed the partial program, how to get me to my intake, nihilism, reincarnation, and ontological wonder sickness. Harriette is a fabulous case worker. I look forward to her visits.

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I got a package from my parents, which contained presents for purpleglitter and me. myenergy told me I could go ahead and open mine. They got me a scarf and an electric toothbrush and a bunch of chocolates. The scarf in particular is wonderful. It's very soft and I've never seen a scarf so wide. I love it. I will be very warm this winter.

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Someone poured Comet all over the dishes in the sink. I asked merryperseis, and she didn't know anything about it. That leaves only the floaters. Mischievous alters can be so disconcerting. I guess I'm going to have to clean that mess up.

Morning at the partial program went well. Not as good as yesterday, but it still went well. No exciting groups, however I was told that they were successful in moving up my therapy intake date up. It's now on the 16^th of December.

Things started going badly after I got lunch at the S&S deli with someone from the program. After lunch, I tried to purge, but for some reason wasn't able to get all of it out. I hate it when that happens. I had to digest a lot of food that I really didn't want to. I felt like cutting myself. I couldn't cut at the program. I wanted just ending it all. Couldn't do that at the program either. Silly, all that over calories. But, I felt like such a failure.

I have a strong urge to embrace my eating disorders full force. I've been gaining weight recently, and I want to reverse that trend. I lose weight until I simply disapear. I want to fade away. I want there to be nothing left of me. I don't want to exist anymore.

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After the partial program, I saw my pdoc. I told her about how I was doing. She thinks that the reason I have been getting worse is that I went so long without therapy. I think that might have contributed, but I believe the real reason is that the monsters are getting closer.

At the end of the appointment, my pdoc upped my Geodon to 60mg and gave me a prescription to trazodone. Trazodone is wonderful stuff and was one of the few good things about Holy Family. I'm not sure what, if anything, the 50% increase in Geodon will do. 40mg of Geodon have had absolutely no effect.

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I didn't realize until today just how badly I've been doing lately. I can't make it through the day without having at least one major episode of instability, panic, switchiness, and suicidality. Regardless of how well things may be going on the outside, inside I'm falling apart. Everything has been getting consistently worse over the past few years. And the decent has only increased in velocity over the past few months. The mosters are very close now. I don't know if I'm going to make it. I'm very scared of what's going to happen when the monsters come out completely into the open. Cyndi's right, if I can't handle things now, there's no way I can handle what's coming.

Got to the endo appointment on time. We were very switchy at the appointment. My endo saw the cuts on the arm, and noticed how we were acting, so she sent us downstairs to the psychiatric emergency room.

Before I went downstairs, she also give us a prescription to estradiol. No more hourse pee for me.

Before sending me down, she told me our weight is not unhealthy. That we shouldn't lose any more weight, but if I maintain my weight where it is now in a healthy manner, it is okay. The only reason I'm at a healthy weight now is because I've been smoking pot. I've gained quite a bit of weight since I started. This is a good thing. Now I just need to stop purging and start controlling my binges. Not going to be easy, but will be worth the effort.
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I spent about 4 hours in the psychiatric emergency room, mostly waiting. Waiting is a large part of the psych experience.

The visit ended up being a very good thing. First, they're going to try to move up our therapy intake appointment. Second, they got us into a partial program starting tomorrow. I've never been in a partial program, save the 75 minutes I spent at the Triangle Program. I'm a bit nervous about it, but am overall optimistic about it. And, the program is right in Cambridge Hospital, so the commute shouldn't be an issue.

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I came home and crashed for many hours. Very strange sleeps. My sleeps have in general been strange lately. I tend to drift in and out of sleep consistently confusing the dreaming and waking worlds. Both become intertwined in a way that can be quite scary at times. Bed isn't something I look forward to these days.

I didn't make any progress on my room last night. At all. Did very badly mentally, very panicked and switchy, until I finally got myself to sleep. I wish I had something to just knock myself out with sometimes.

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Harriette showed up at 9:00 this morning, as planned. We talked again about an hour about what services I can expect from her as my community case manager. After that topic was covered, the conversation went in it's own directions. I ended up loaning her my Scientific American with the article "The Neurobiology of Child Abuse", because I thought it would interest her.

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This afternoon, I have a meeting at the Wayside Center with Harriette, my MBHP intensive case manager, a representative from the Lexington Crisis Center, a representative from the Cambridge Health Alliance, and my Lawyer. It should be interesting.

purpleglitter and zarthon are helping me pack today. Actually, they are doing most of the work. I'm not doing well. I'm too shakey and unstable and falling down to do much. I'm doing some, but not nearly enough. All the activity is too much, and freaks me out and I have to take lots of breaks. More breaks than packing. I feel very guilty, even though purpleglitter and zarthon say I shouldn't. This is the absolute worst time for us to be moving. I don't remember things being so bad in the mind. Not since the Age of Floaters. I don't know what's happening. I'm surprised the Central Group has managed to maintain cohesion. I don't know what will happen if we lose cohesion. I'm very very afraid of that.

My plans got canceled at the last minute last night. purpleglitter was more than happy to come over and hang out with me, and I was more than happy to see her. merryperseis joined us in the playroom where we drank dragonberry wings and played fun writing games.

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Around noon today, merryperseis and I went to the Great Meadow. I'm always amazed at how much the great meadow changes over the seasons: barren in the winter, flooded and mazelike in the spring, lush and overgrown in the summer, and a colorful patchwork in the autumn. The Great Meadow is still very much in summer mode, but will be quickly moving into the painted glory of autumn.

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I was planning to go straight to darkroomman's gathering after the journey thought the Great Meadow, but I missaved the directions to his house. Unfortunately, included in the directions was his phone number. I IMed him, but it was over an hour before he was able to respond. By the time were finally able to leave the house, purpleglitter and I were only able to spend an hour at the gathering.

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I wasn't doing well mentally at all by the time we got back to the house_of_clocks, and since we were running late anyway, purpleglitter and I decided to forgo Glitter Switch. We will try to go next month, providing I'm still living in the Boston area.

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I discovered that I've gotten many voice mail messages that I didn't' know about over the past few days. I've been checking the messages regularly, but somehow didn't hear them. I'm very confused and disorientated about the whole thing. There was a message from the Trauma Center recommending a day program that I could get into. A message from Sara, who I'm very glad to hear isn't mad at me. Several messages from Jude, who I'd thought never called me back. Even more worrisome about the messages from Jude, is that I was home at the times he called.

I must be more switchy than I thought.