After she got off work, purpleglitter met me at the house_of_clocks. From there we went to Walgreens and noticed a smoky smell. Then we noticed the smoky smell was coming from the smoke that was coming from the trashcan by the entrance. Someone had apparently thrown some sort of ignited tobacco product in the trashcan, which is just plain stupid as the Walgreens trashcans are equipped with a disposal unit on top of them specifically for ignited tobacco products. I stuck my hand in the can to try to put it out as purpleglitter squawked at me that I'd set my clothes on fire. Very shortly after I took my hand out the smoldering turned into sizable flames.

A couple Walgreens employees attempted to douse the flame with water, however they simply lessened its magnitude. Within a few minutes, the fire department arrived and put the fire out properly. No damage to anything but the trashcan, which is trashed.

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Upon arriving back at purpleglitter's apartment, I decided to make us pizza in the oven. The heating element of the oven fell down while the pizza was cooking and started burning the cheese. This produced much smoke but no real flame. We had to open the doors and air out the apartment. Luckily the oven suffered no real damage and the heating element can be easily reattached.

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Later in the evening, the toaster decided to completely burn our bagels. I would probably not mention the occurrence otherwise, but it seemed to top off the evening of burning.

I got back from Cambridge Hospital about an hour ago. I was having one of the worst twitchy dizzy seizure spells I've had yet. I was very reluctant to call for help, because I was pretty certain I wouldn't be believed because of my psych history.

I did call, and a firetruck and ambulance came fairly quickly. They strapped me to a seat and carried me out of the house. They transfered me to a stretcher and loaded me onto the ambulance. merryperseis came with. I was quite out of it for the ride to the hospital.

When I arrived several nurses started asking questions about what was going on and taking down information. They seemed genuinely interested.

The first signs of trouble came when the physician assistant came in. She was rude, but still put on a facade of some form of interest. It was shallow, and they had obviously been into my records at that point.

Next the doctor on call came in. The entire examination consisted of one question: "Do you currently have a psychiatrist following you?". That was it. Period. Fucking asshole. After he left, the physician's assistant came back in and offered me ativan. I have ativan at home. Ativan is not what I need.

At this point, I'm no longer making any bones about the way I feel. I tell her that I'm done with dealing with these problems. She asks what I mean by that and I reply that I'm giving up because I can no longer live like this. She sees this as a healthy response from someone she views as a psych patient and decides to give me my discharge papers and tell me to leave. At this point I can still not reliably walk. She tells me the hospital will not give a taxi voucher and I don't want to call purpleglitter in the middle of the night because she's dealt with enough of my crap over the years.

I tell her that if have to walk or take the bus that I'll be back in less than 30 minutes. She replies to this with "don't threaten me.". Yeah, I can barely stand and I'm being threatening. Get a fucking grip. I'm just stating fact. If I had to walk or take the bus home, I'd end up on the ground and I'd end up being brought back by the ambulance that would be called on me by others.

They didn't want me in the bed any longer, so I sat on the chair as I waited for the hospital manager to appeal the taxi voucher decision. I stayed on the chair a good 15 minutes, but eventually fell off. I was probably lying on the floor of the emergency room for 15 or 20 minutes before a nurse that I had not seen before stopped and helped me back into the bed. I told her that they didn't want me in the bed, but she helped me onto it anyway.

The hospital manager stopped in finally and told me that the decision stands. Offered me a wheelchair trip to the door. I refused the chair and merryperseis called purpleglitter, who was actually up. Heading to the front entrance I ended up on the ground once again. I didn't stay down too long as the episode was at last significantly waning. We got in purpleglitter's dying car and finally went home.

I found out Skittles, one of the neighborhood kitties, was hit by a Comcast truck and died. It's a rough life for outdoor cats, but if he wasn't an outdoor cat we would have never met him. I still would have preferred him to be alive and inside than on purpleglitter's porch.

I started reading The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra today. As per not_you's advise, I'm taking it slow, only reading a little each day so I can fully digest it. I read through the first law today, the "Law of Pure Potentiality" a passage from the introduction has really peeked my interest in the book, as it expresses one of my core beliefs about the nature of the universe.

"The physical universe is nothing other than the Self curving back within Itself to experience Itself as spirit mind and physical matter. In other words, all process of creation are processes through which the Self or divinity expresses Itself. Consciousness in motion expresses itself as the objects of the universe in the eternal dance of life"

The chapter on the first spiritual law stresses the need to become in tune with the universe, the spirit of creation. Finding one's true Self, and learning balance between Self and the Universe (which is actually the same thing) is the key to unleashing pure potentiality and creativity, where anything is possible. I want to try the various methods suggested by this book to achieve balance and pure potentiality: meditation, communication with nature, silence, and non-judgment. In fact, I'm going to start meditating twice a day ("taking time each day to be silent, to just be" as Deepak Chapra puts it), in addition to working out once a day (not suggested in the book). I'm also going to get out to Spy Pond more and start making regular trips to the Great Meadow come Spring. I really have no excuse not to do these things. I have no job, I'm not in school. I could be doing so much with my day to better myself, it's time I started to.

I find that my thunderstorm CD is very good to meditate with, as it drowns out the traffic of Mass Ave. But I'm also considering just being with the sounds of Mass Ave. The comes in gentle waves, it might not be a bad idea. I also want to check out the used CD shops when I get money again for ambient CDs, like brooks, surf, and rain. As odd as it may seem. Silence is ideal to meditate with, but I can only really have that around 3:00am, which I will take advantage of. But as I want to meditate at least twice a day, and cannot always do so in science, I want to pick the least distracting sounds I can for my meditations.

I have a feeling my life is about to take a new, better, calmer direction. I'm looking forward to it. The last few years have been a typhoon that has left me tired and battered. I want to find some peace, and I think I'm finally starting to realize I need to make that journey.

Around 7:00pm, Mitzi came over to watch Stigmata, a movie I recently purchased.

Before the movie, we decided to get pakoras. I hadn't eaten anything, and thought I might eat with someone else. It is sometimes easier to do that when I can convince myself it is an expected social activity. I don't know if I can pull off the same thing tomorrow, I'll see when I get there. I also know one order of pakoras is not a good nutritional intake for the day, but it is better than nothing.

pillowkisser joined us for the movie. She is a fabulous roommate. I love living with someone that not only accepts my psych issues, but can relate to many of them as well. Much can go unsaid, but understood. I think we can help each other a lot.

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Mitzi told me that Bob of Sinister was hit by a car last week. What is it with my friends getting hit by cars this year? First Kat, now Bob. Bob is at home recovering, but he had brain hemorrhaging, and it is unknown if there will be permanent damage. Please let there not be. Bob is such a kind, wonderful, gentle soul. I hope and hope he keeps all the gifts he has.

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Around 11:00pm; pillowkisser, riga_mortia and I went to purpleglitter's apartment and she drove us back. The reasons we had to go over there just to come back were complicated, but I'm glad she made the trip. purpleglitter and I had some very good talks in my room. I miss what we once had. I'm glad we're still close close friends. And, that as close close friends, we can still share so much with each other. But, losing what we had was the biggest mistake of my life.

Victor just told me that my good friend Kat got run over. I don't know the details yet, but I do know she's in the hospital and is in pretty bad shape. I'm meeting Victor tomorrow, and we're both going to go visit her.

The woman I'm supposed to meet at the Transitional Assistance office called, so I didn't have to figure out her name. I have a meeting with her at 2:00. Hopefully I'll get approved for something this time. purpleglitter isn't going to be going to work today because of the car problems, so she's going to go with me for moral support.

Our sites are back up. I don't know what happened to CIHost, but everyone with an account there was down this morning.

AAA will be coming soon to tow lake's car to the garage. zarthon says it may just be the steering fluid. I hope he's right, and it's not a serious problem.

purpleglitter gave me an exciting birthday gift! Something I've been wanting for a while!! The Complete Hothead Paisan!!!

I wanted to get some things down on paper before we start taking our new meds tonight. I'm worried that we'll lose our creative spark if we don't. The following poem chronicles the events of a brief moment in the small hours of autumn when I was homeless living in Western Massachusetts about 8 years ago.

Paths in the Corn dark alone 3am between days walking the wind the stars the corn cool hints of cow dung dark figure distant watchful closer closer I know this I know that look I know those eyes faster I've been here before a hundred times darkness friend and foe I can not stop no home to run to no person to cry to I am the prey I am the hunted instinct takes over must escape no thinking just survival salty sweat see everything contrast exaggerated headlights against dark fields fences blocking paths in the corn foot steps ever quicker decaying leaves truck blows gale of exhaust focus running across the highway traffic swerves burnt rubber hangs in the air I look back angry voices fly from car windows only notice me while I'm in their way predator gone fled too much commotion I survive this time