Yesterday morning, purpleglitter and I got up early to pick up the two cutest English budgies. The rusty cage they were in sucked and there were two cats there were being allowed batting at their tail feathers, but the had each other and to their former owner's credit, they had insisted they not be separated in their craigslist ad. They are so obviously bonded, they are snuggled up against each other more often then they are not. We are calling them Statler and Waldorf.


( +1 )

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Statler and Waldorf home safe and sound, I had to head out to my endocrinology appointment, which went well. It is obvious that my endocrinologist is still not entirely comfortable with me being off psychiatric medication and not in therapy, even though it has been years and I'm doing fine. At least at this point she no longer suggests I go back to either. She did, however, suggest I see my primary care provider. I won't, I don't trust my pcp anymore. However, my endo let slip the name of a primary care doctor popular who is popular with her trannie patients that I'm going to check out switching to.

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After they got done taking my blood, I went over to see Ila. She has been teaching me Telugu script, though the words we've been going over have been Sanskrit. This week I need to practice writing conjunct consonants. I think the script is beautiful and am grateful for the opportunity to attempt to learn it. Ila seems to enjoy showing it to me — which is good, otherwise she probably wouldn't.

From the The Universal Household Assistant or What Every One Should Know (1884):

Health — secrets for. — First, keep warm. Second, eat regularly and slowly. Third, maintain regular bodily habits. Fourth, take early and very light suppers, or, better still, none at all. Fifth, keep a clear skin. Sixth, get plenty of sleep at night. Seventh, keep a cheerful and respectable company. Eight, keep out of debt. Ninth, don't set your mind on things you don't need. Tenth, mind your own business. Eleventh, don't set up to be a sharp of any kind. Twelfth, subdue curiosity.

I love the last one: Trust us, you really don't want to know.

We damn ourselves when we live through demon eyes. No higher power need intervene, we are fully capable of our own downfall. When we act as demons, we create our own hell. No divine judgement or arbitration, it is simply a matter of causality.

This is the nature of sin. This is the nature of good action verses bad action. When we act with anger and hate and greed rather than with love and compassion and understanding, that is sin. When our actions increase the suffering rather than diminish it, that is bad action. And what we reap is a world of pain and hate and mistrust. We are all connected and we share in what we bring forth.

I saw my therapist yesterday. I think I am going to start seeing her regularly again, at least for a little while. My head is clogged up and I need to let a lot of things out.

There was a time I used to let things out more here on LiveJournal than in my therapists office. I tell her things I tell no one else. This is a sign of my trust of my therapist, even while I have a extremely low opinion of the mental health system in general.

I'm very lucky that I have access to a therapist that I don't have to worry about overreacting and having me locked up. She has professional standards that she must adhere to – but if I say something that might potentially get me trouble, I always have a chance to backtrack and "clarify". Without this, I doubt I could be as open with her as I am.

My therapist is the only mental health professional I trust at this point. I will not see a psychiatrist and I will not live on psych meds. My therapist knows this and has accepted it. She may not agree with the decision, but she will not force her opinion on me and she knows better than to badger me about it. That I have found such respect a rarity in the mental health field.

Perhaps in time I will return to writing more here. Unlike in therapy, these days I am more cautious how I put things online. Perhaps I should begin writing poetry again. Perhaps deeper into metaphor is the way to go. Or, perhaps edited stream of consciousness. Or something else, perhaps. We shall see.

when i was homeless i could not stay in a shelter because i am a tranny
i felt not part of the society around me
i most hated the goody goody
the "proper and respectable"
i lurked in the shadows and stole from the shops
i snuck into buildings (trespassing) for warmth and sleep
i was neither proper nor respectable
but i felt my stealing and trespassing reasonable
i still believe they were
but the "proper and respectable" never will

i carried a lot of anger as i walked the darknesses
looking at the happy faces heading home burned my eyes red with fire
it has been long time to let go of these ancient angers
and to look now with clear eyes

i am outside me now
i see how that anger still taints my political views
i identify with the underdog
the downtrodden
i inherently distrust the proper and respectable
in the current conflict in the middle east
the palestinians and the lebanese have gone through much more strife and hardship than i ever have
and israel is the "proper and respectable"
this adds a layer of distrust to whatever it does
bush’s support drives that home
the bush administration has mastered the self-righteousness "proper and respectable"

i must observe that my emotions play in my political beliefs
my views may or may not be wrong
and after exploring them my view may or may not
but it is important for me to explore those biases
and what blindnesses those biases might be producing

if one cannot question oneself
one does not have an open mind

I wrote my therapist back, and now I have an appointment at 4:00 Monday afternoon. Her emails imply (but do not implicitly state) that she does not believe it is a good idea for me to quit therapy, but I already knew that. However, her emails also it clear that she will not employ pressure tactics to get me to stay, which from our relationship in the past I already knew as well. I may be a bit nervous about going, but I believe it will be for the best however it turns out.

Feeling much better this morning, hopefully that will last through the day.
I didn't go to therapy yesterday.
I was too depressed, and I've lost trust with my therapist lately.
I don't want to go if I'm in too low of a state, because I don't want to risk being hospitalized.
If I'm in a "I don't care" mindset, I'm less likely to check my words.
Therefore, I'm more likely to get myself in trouble.

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This summer I may be visiting goldmourn for nearly a month.
I'm very excited about seeing her.
We've never met in real life, but we've known each other online for years.
She's called me and helped me when I've been in the asylum.
She is someone I can really talk to.
I think we will have a good and interesting time.
I would also like to try to make it to the wedding of lovecraftienne and persephoneplace
lovecraftienne talked to me about a month ago about the concept, but I didn't yet know if I'd go.
Another two people I'd like to meet in real life.
If all goes well...
Canada here I come.

While I generally like my therapist, I think we've been losing connectivity as over the past several months. Part of it has been that my life has been moving faster than can be adequately worked through in one 45 minute session a week. I end up spending most of the time simply bringing her up to speed.

A large symptom of the lack of connectivity is the fact that she believes I am getting worse while those around me in my day to day life tend to agree that I am doing much better. She has no idea what my life is actual like, which limits the usefulness of her counsel.

What really drove home the connectivity problem for me on Monday was her telling me, "I think you're broadening your thoughts too much.". She was critical of me spending too much time thinking about larger spiritual and philosophical issues, because doing so could be causing a "break with reality". She is wise enough not to suggest psych meds at this stage, as such a suggestion would have been met bitterly; however, I am sure she has not changed her view that I should be on them. She doesn't seem to understand how I need this spiritual process to go forward. That caging and limiting my thoughts was a major problem. That dissociation from the larger issues was a major problem.

I explained to her that although there has been more definable switching in the system lately, that switching is a lesser form of dissociation than the form I am experiencing significantly less often now: exanimate dissociation. I was dissociating from existence. I was not real. While she acknowledged what I said, I am unsure if she was actually willing or able to grasp the concept I was trying to get at.

She has had a habit in the past of accusing me of "disorganized thinking" whenever I bring up a topic she does not understand and the accusations have been occurring at greater and greater frequency the last several months, which has only served to decrease my feeling of connectivity.

It is worth noting that connectivity and trust are not the same thing, and I still trust her. I trust her in large part because she both proven herself to be against forced psychiatry and been a motivated advocate for me on several occasions. If I did not trust her, I would be very seriously considering leaving therapy, while right now I'm just lightly contemplating it.

dissociation is a strange thing. it works sometimes. sometimes i feel nothing. sometimes i feel everything. it's rarely in between. sometimes i exist. sometimes i do not. absolutes are hard to deal with, and often lead to contradictions. contradictions are too many in general in my world.

i have little trust in humans in general. i have had less and less faith in them as time goes by. i am unfortunately human, and as such do not trust myself. on the same note, i am too trusting. i end up trusting people i meet very easily and often get burned by this. it is a contradiction, but it is also the truth.

truth? there is no objective truth. there is no objective anything. everything is subjective. everything is viewed relative to the viewer's position in the universe, and even the idea of what the viewer's position is is relative. there are no absolute facts, but there are relative ones.

it may be time to dust off this old journal
it's been too long since i've been here
i'm still off my meds
i've been enjoying thinking again
sure, things aren't perfect without meds
i'm having more panic attacks
but i am dealing with them
my mood is far less stable as well
but again, i'm dealing with it
i haven't ended up back in the hospital since i stopped taking my meds many months ago
sure i've been very suicidal at times
even going so far as purchasing the necessary implements and formulating a plan
but i haven't done it
while i've had very deep lows on medication, i've also experienced moods much better than were possible before
i feel a freedom i haven't felt in years
and i have an optimism that things are going to get better
it's not an easy road, but it seems like the best one
i refuse to live life as a medicated zombie
and that was what i had become
it has been suggested to me that maybe i just need a lower dose
and that complete abstinence is not the best idea
but i've had it with the pill pushers and the drug companies
i don't trust them at all
i don't want their poison

while my non-medication path seems to be moving along, i need more than that
now that i can think clearly again, i need to figure out what i want to do with this newfound ability
i need a project or a job or something
due to lack of a project, i've been reading the news for hours a day
a decidedly unhealthy activity
i just succeed in working myself up about the latest atrocities committed by the neo-conservative regime
and the new pope isn't helping my mood either
i need to focus on my life right now, but i'm too distracted by the world
i can't work for change until i change myself
i need to work on that first
it's going to be a long process
but i full intend to take on the world in my own small way
right now i'm still waking up from my slumber
this is still the dawn
the daylight is coming

i took 5 hits of acid last night and did a lot of work on figuring myself out. a major crippling problem i have is self-doubt. it is so pervasive that i barely write poetry, play music, make art, or explore the universe anymore. i don't trust myself. i need to do confidence-building exercises. i need to get back in the attitude of "can do it" rather than "can't do it". i've been stuck in this rut for years, and i think i figured out how to get out. it's going to take some work, but i "can do it". i'm not quite ready to take on the world yet, but with some work i think i may just be able to do it. i feel like i've woken up from a long slumber. i'm still groggy, but i can see a new day.

Poll #348894
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All

In general, do you trust psychiatric professionals?

I found out today that my current therapist is going to be permanent instead of temporary. This is a great improvement because it adds stability to my psychiatric treatment. I will still have a temporary therapist next month as my current therapist is going on vacation. As my current therapist is on staff and I will most likely be able to see her for an extended period of time. I've grown tired of switching therapist's every year and am hopeful that I can keep this therapist for a longer time, build up a trust, and be able to really delve into some issues that really need to be delved into.

I'm not quite sure when I am getting out of here. There are alot of factors involved with that. Hopefully this week, but that's not certain at this point.

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My phone got shut off today but thanks to the help of a good friend, it's back on. I was really stressed out about it and wanted to cut but luckily I was here and didn't have anything to cut with. Now I just have to make sure the gas doesn't get cut off. I should remember to call them tonight.

posted by purpleglitter

i need to be more forgiving of myself
i get mad at myself for doing badly
and that only makes me do worse
i need to be okay with the fact that i do badly sometimes
let myself breath
if i slip up and purge, it doesn't mean i should look for ways to punish myself
if i end up in the hospital, i haven't been "bad"
i know these things already from an objective point of view
but integrating them into my thought patterns is hard work
but it's work i need to do
maybe i'll talk to my therapist about it
if i can handle a session with her without freaking out
i don't know if i can
i feel so uncomfortable around her
but i shouldn't
she explained what happened the other week
the reason she was trying to talk to others was to get an idea of safety
she wanted to make sure all of us were safe
that's understandable
she didn't mean to pull cyndi out
she didn't even know how dangerous cyndi was
i though she was being reckless
but she was just trying to help
i really need to give her another chance

click

i am not
i am not
i see not
i saw not
i look not
not
not
not
what is it
what is it
what is it
where is it
not i see it
not i see it
no
no
no
i said not
i see it not
i look not at it
i see it not
close my eyes
i close my eyes
i see it not
blind myself
i look not

click

i'm nervous about going back to see my therapist
she might be upset that i talked about her to my pdoc
i don't need her to be mad
i don't trust her not to be
because i don't really know her
i've had bad psych experiences
and i don't want another one
but i don't want to have to find a new therapist on my own
she's only temporary
so i go back

click

i am
i exist
i note my existence
i note that there are things around me
that these things exist too
if only in my head
i see a keyboard
i see a monitor
i am communication through the internet
possible with myself
or someone else
probably both
as this appears to be livejournal

click

there are mulberry trees in purpleglitter's house's yard
we've been eating mulberries off them the past couple days
there are purple bird shits all over the place out there
i guess they've been eating them too

click

bathofblood came over
we had a good time
it's good seeing her
we went down to spy pond
i take just about everyone to spy pond
it's so beautiful
and so close
i love it

i want to get to the great meadow sometime soon
i miss that place
and i have something i want to do there
a mischievous thing
i'm a mischievous being

the air coming in the window is wonderful
it is another beautiful night
in a series of beautiful nights
this summer has been wonderful
only a couple hot days so far
very lucky
hopefully the luck will keep up

i don't know where i am
but do i need to know where i am?
is that really necessary
i don't know where i'm going either
again, do i really need to know
can't i just have faith that where i am is where i need to be
and i'll end up just where i need to end up
the universe has a way of working things out
everything happens for a reason
that's all utter bullshit
i don't have faith
i've seen enough shit that was pointless
the world is falling apart
but, we'll all go to hell together
isn't that nice?