It's spring and my life is waking up. Just a few years ago, my life was extremely turbulent and my mind was an unpleasant place to be in. Everything was always in flux, but far from always in a good way.

This past year has been calmer, quieter, so stable it has bordered on a bit boring. But, it's been something I needed.

Now, things are beginning to pick up again. However, this time it's different. I can feel the motion of before, but things are clearer. This past year gives me a platform from which to launch from. It has been a place of stable mind and thought that has let me ground and center. The loops are still there in the background, but I know how to work them now. I am not afraid. My eyes are opening. I am awake.

From the The Universal Household Assistant or What Every One Should Know (1884):

Cockroaches — ways to destroy. — 1. The disagreeable odor which the cockroach emits, and which soon permeates all places that it inhabits, proceeds from a dark colored fluid which it discharges from the mouth. The cockroach loves warmth and moisture, hence its populousness in kitchens where fire and water are almost ever present. It is a night prowler, and swarms out from its secret lairs on the departure of daylight.    For the destruction of the cockroach we recommend a mixture containing a tablespoonful of red lead, the same amount of indian meal, with molasses enough to make a thick batter. Set this on a plate at night in places frequented by the insects and all that eat of it will be poisoned. Another preparation is composed of one teaspoonful of powdered arsenic, with a tablespoonful of mashed potato. Crumble this every night at bed-time where the insects will find it, and it is said to be an effectual poison. Great care should be exercised in the use of such dangerous agents. An innocent method of destroying cockroaches is to place a bowl or basin containing a little molasses on the floor at night. A bit of wood, resting one end on the floor and the other on the edge of the vessel, serves as a bridge to conduct the insects to the sweet deposit. Once in the trap its slippery sides prevent retreat, and thus cockroaches may be caught by the thousands.    2. The following i said to be effectual: these vermin are easily destroyed, simply by cutting up green cucumbers at night, and placing them about where roaches commit depredations. What is cut from the cucumbers in preparing them for the table answers the purpose as well, and three applications will destroy all the roaches in the house. Remove the peelings in the morning and renew them at night.    3. Common red wafers, to be found at any stationers, will answer the purpose. The cockroaches eat them and die. Also, sprinkle powdered borax plentifully around where "they most do congregate," and renew it occasionally; in a short time not a roach will be seen. This is a safe and most effectual exterminator.    4. Borax is a very good cockroach exterminator. Take some pieces of board, spread them over with molasses, only sufficient to make the borax when sprinkled upon it stick, and place the boards in their haunts. Gum camphor is a speedy remedy to clear the house of cockroaches.

Prince Henry woke purpleglitter and me up this morning with his best imitation of an alarm. The bedroom is the only room we have that is appropriate for quarantine, so I guess we have a new alarm clock. He's definitely louder than any of the other birds we've had, even Sir Dubbins.

He's gotten plenty of scritches so far today and while the cage he came in is far from toy deprived, we plan to give him a couple of the birdy booty toys from shadowrabbit. I'm sure he misses his old humans, but I think he'll come to like it here.

I'm back in Boston. I had a great deal of fun with My sister, niece, brother-in-law, and mom. Maddie is a little ball of energy. Well, not little, she's quite big for a 7 year old. Smart and creative, but I just can't keep up with her.

The day I arrived, Thursday, we pretty much stayed around the house and relaxed. My mom had already been there for several days and was already settled in.

Friday, Christian stayed home while Maddie, Bridgette, my mom, and I went down to Georgetown. We hit Lush and Godiva and went to Dean & Deluca for lunch. While I've seen central meter machines in parking lots, I'd never seen a central machine for street parking before. I guess it is more efficient than having a separate parking meter for each spot, I'm just not used to it. The biggest disadvantage I see with the central machine system is that if it breaks down it disrupts the use of a number of parking spots at once.

Saturday we drove into Virginia through wine country and went to Linden Vineyards (nothing to do with Second Live). That was my favorite part of the trip down. Relaxing doesn't even begin to describe the place. Surrounded by rows of grapes and vine watching the clouds shadow-dance on the Blue Ridge Mountains. The cigar Christian gave me to smoke at the vineyard not only went perfectly with the cheese and wine, but also with the surrounding tranquility.

Sunday, I got up later than I had planned, but not so late that it caused any hassle in catching my flight. Upon leaving, Christian gave me some cigars, along with a 15-pack of Rocky Patel vintage 1992s, one of my favorites. My mom gave me a wonderful dragon cane when I arrived at the house and I was a bit worried about getting on the flight with 2 canes, but I didn't have any hassle and the return trip from Reagan National to Logan went smoothly.

I had hoped to get some good bird pictures, but unfortunately my birding camera is not working. I noticed it my first day there. It seems to be a connection problem with the battery prongs, which should be repairable. But, I was glad to see that Maddie loved birds and birdwatching despite her father's hatred of them.

I slept longer last night than I have in a long time. I went to bed a little after 7pm and woke a little after 8am. I've had longer sleeps in the past, but recently I've been averaging 8 (though with some deviation). I feel I went into some sort of hibernation.

The dreams were odd, creepy, and downright sinister – but I feel somewhat deloopified. I'm not sure why I would feel that way and I'm still trying to interpret the meanings of what was there. I'm still not sure what to do with this stuff. I dont know if it will lead to a better understanding, more looping, or simply nothing. Perhaps it's just a glitch that feels like something more. The only thing I know is that I do feel different this morning.

I woke up this morning 10 minutes from now.

I have a feeling it's going to be one of those days.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you in the United States.

Happy Thursday to everyone else.

I'm having a good visit. Maddie is a ball of energy, literally bouncing off the walls. She knocked on my door and got me up around 7:30am this morning showing me a clock that had been set to 9:30. Tricky, but I'm glad I'm up. I don't really like to sleep too late these days.

Dinner last night was good and I loved the port later in the evening. Christian is intelligent and charismatic, making conversation with him generally a pleasure. And, of course, it's always great to see Bridgette. She's made quite the life for herself and has not ceased to amaze me. I'm proud to call her sister.

purpleglitter and I buried Squeaky and Piglet this morning. We placed them with Isobel so they can fly off together.

I haven't been well today or yesterday. I'm still in shock that they are both dead. Hearing purplelgitter gasp upon finding them. Seeing them there. I don't believe it. I am still waiting to wake up.

Feeling like my life is a dream isn't an state in my life, but what is less constant is the forceful will to wake up. Wake up to what, to where. I don't know. But somewhere my birdies are and everyone else is and everything is the "way it should be". But the way it should be never was, there is only the way it is.

Squeaky and Piglet and Isobel too are all okay. Though their bodies may have been fragile, they are not their bodies and they will never cease to be. I will miss them, they have flown off with a part of my heart with them.

I hate waking up.

I want to lie down. But, lying brings sleeping and sleeping brings waking and waking is not good at all. My falling down/seizure/dizzy/whatever the hell they are spells are particularly intense and particularly nasty upon waking and I attempt to limit waking to once a day — even a half-minute of slumber can be enough to set things off.

I've been drifting away the last several days. The dizzy spells and twitchiness have enveloped me. I cannot move and flicker out. I fight this place, it is hard, but I am not giving up.

Sometimes I end up caught in a nasty cycle in which I have one of my "episodes", can't get up, and fall asleep. My "episodes" are more common and intense right after waking, and in these cycles I'll wake right into another episode, not be able to get up, and fall asleep again. Yesterday, I spent 3 hours on the couch in such a cycle – drifting in and out of consciousness.

I was planning a trip to Maine to see invalid_userid this weekend, but purpleglitter convinced me I should wait until the current wave subsides. However, in preparing for the trip I did find out that the bus route to Maine was quicker, cheaper, and more frequent than I had previously thought. This will make the prospect of making plans to visit less daunting in the future.

Project Schedule has not happened since Monday. I wonder if perhaps the concept is flawed. I've always had large portions of my work day where I could not be productive. I was able to compensate before, why not now? A refined and rigid schedule leaves no room for compensation. However, I am not sure if I should give up Project Schedule until I come up with a better plan to increase my productivity and ready myself for re-entry into employment.

Again successful day and my domestic activity was more focused: I concentrated on my room. I did some random pickings up for the first 15 minutes, then I focused on finishing my desk set up and redoing the altar in my room (domestic + spiritual). With myself opening and becoming anew, it is time for the altar to come out of it's state of disrepair and move forward with me. To be a reflecting place, a thought place, a tool of mindfulness again. My slumber is over, but waking up has just begun.

Waking up and posting in the middle of the night I am after being sick most of the day. Although I tend to love the rain, I think the cold steady drizzle finally got me.

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Tomorrow I see my therapist for the first time in 5 weeks. There will be a two month gap coming up when I go to Ontario for July and she is on vacation for August. At this point, the gaps do not bother me. I seem to get along just fine without therapy, and am still questioning the point of even continuing it.

My skepticism about therapy at this point has nothing to do with my current therapist, who is the best that I've found to date. My skepticism is simply due to the fact my doubt that the asymmetrical relationship offered by therapy is able to provide me with benefit at this point.

I have many people in my life that I'm on a more even standing with whom I can talk freely with, and I trust their advice and insight more simply because we have two-sided relationships. I know them more. I know their biases, backgrounds, and beliefs. I know them at all, in fact. The vary nature of the relationship with a therapist prevents that level of trust and understanding.

The one-sidedness of the relationship with a therapist can be incredibly useful for some people in some situations, and I've found it helpful at points in the past. However, for me here and now, I don't think it's working. It may be time to move on.

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Now I go back to bed.